DO WS 



PATENT SERMONS. 



BY DOW, JR 



Jirst Strits. 



P I) i I a Ir e I p I) t a : 

T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS, 

806 CHESTNUT STKEKT. 



fSxsn 



r.iireied, according to Act of Congress, in the yearlSST, bj 

T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in .ind fi>r th« Kustern 

District of Pennsylvania. 



48 65 5 5 

AUG 14 1942 






SHORT PATENT SERMONa 



ON LUCK. 

Text. — There is no luck at all for me, 
However much I strive ; 
Upon my soul, I think I am 
Th' unluckiest man alive. 

M/ Hearers: we are all children of chance: some of us are 
kindly favored by fortune ; some seem to be the victims ol fat(; ; 
and others, neither the one thing nor the other — knocked about 
from pillar to post; with here a streak of fat luck, and there a 
streak of the leanest kind. But, brethren, every one of us is lucky 
in one respect : that is, in getting into this living and breathing 
world. Our being born is but the result of accident, after all, 
philosophize as you may upon the subject. What a glorious es- 
cape have we made from remaining for ever in the womb of non- 
entity! Let us congratulate one another, then, that we have the 
lot of living, moving, and having a being upon this terraqueous 
globe. 

My friends : niany of you imagine that you are born to ill-luck, 
and seem to strive your prettiest to foster your ridiculous fancies. 
You will have it that others reap richer harvests from the tields 
of chance than yourselves : that, when "t rains bean porridge, vour 
dishes are always bottom upwards — when it snows Genesee flour, 
the wind blows it to your neighbor's door — and when it haila 
tailed corn, you have no milk to eat it with. You find a pista- 
.•een in the street : ' Just my luck !' you exclaim, as you pock«"t 
the disappointment — 'if anybody else had found it, it would havf 
been a quarter, sure.' If you feel for a knife in the dark, amoiijr 
a peck ot knives and forks, you are certain to get hold of a fork. 
iVhatever you do, and wherever you go, everything works against 
you, accoiding to your thinking; but, in accordance with my 
hunible opinion, you work against things more than ihings labor 
airainst you. You labor under a mistfiken idea if you think to fbrt 
I'.ontrarv. The man u'lo petitioned to have* the laiT/j' pos^t.- ie« 



i SHORT PATENT SERMONS 

moved because they interfered with him in his nocturnal perani- 
bulations, considered himself a victim of ill-luck. He might havf 
been so; but the poor lamp-posts had more reason to complain of 
hard rubs than himself. 

My brethren : I have to preach, for your edification, and per- 
haps amusement. I am lucky when, by chance, I have a good 
sermon, and get half a hatful of genuine coppers in return : bui, 
as I always expect more or less bad ones in the heap, I am never 
disappointed. I bag the lot, without pausing to questionize as to 
whether any other preacher would have been cursed or blest with 
the same luck, had he been in my boots. So should you take 
malters easy ; for, recollect that Fortune never picks out a parti- 
cular individual to smile upon, nor selects a certain portion upon 
whom to cast her spiteful frowns. The first is this, my friends : 
rather than depend upon labor, you are too apt to rely upon luck ; 
and, when the latter betrays your confidence, you owe it a grudge 
that time can never pay. To test your luck, don't throw dice nor 
buy lottery tickets; but put your hand to the plough, and hold 
on ; or drive the cattle, and let somebody else hold — but be sure 
that you do one or the other, and the end thereof shall be fortu- 
nate. Expect a bar of iron to melt with the breath of a southern 
wind — a seaman's whistle to calm the excited ocean — a tov/n on 
fire to be extinguished with a woman's tears — the stars to be blown 
out with a September gale. You may expect these to happen, if 
^ou like ; but don't suppose that good luck will keep company 
with a loafer who is too lazy to work, and so depends upon the 
precarious crumbs of chanre. If you firmly believe in an unalter- 
able decree of luck, you will have more of the bad son plastered 
to your remembrance, than were ever feathers attached to a fresh 
coat of tar. Mondays and Fridays will enter into a conspiracy 
against you ; all your new moons will be seen over the left shoul- 
der ; squirrels will run across the road before you, from the right 
to the left ; you will spill more salt at the table than any other , 
one ; and the clouds will be certain to take the opportunity to rain 
when they catch you without an umbrella. 

My hearers : a murrain on all your superstitious notions about 

luck : one mortal is just as liable to mishaps as another. Keep 

lear ot tne fire, and you will escape being burned; go not near 

the wattr, and the,rG is no danger of getting drowned ; look not 



SHORT PATENT SERMON* 



for the apparitions of ill-luck, and you will see but few of them, 
at the most ; anJ they, like all other ghosts, possess m'.re powei 
lo scare than harm. So mote it be ! 



ON TRUTH-SPEAKING. 

Text. — Behold the manne ! he spake the truthe, 
Hee's greater than a kynge. 

My Hearers : I will tell you a truth : There is not one among 
five thousand of you who has the moral boldness to tell the hon- 
est, wholesome, salutary truth on all occasions. Your j)luck8 are 
too soft, and you haven't grit enough in your gizzards to do it 
Show me the brother biped who harboreth the will, and possess- 
eth the courage, to come boldly forward and defend the Veritable 
— though he butt his head against that same old post. Public Opi- 
nion — and I will show you a man who is greater than a king, al- 
though he might fall a little short in physical magnitude; foj 
greatness, you know, my friends, doesn't depend upon the weight 
and bulk of the corpus, but upon the depth of the mind, the 
strength of the brain, a disposition to do the 'clean thing' at all 
times, and to speak the whole truth, undeterred by fear, and un- 
swayed by favor. All that constitutes greatness, and ' nothing 
else ' — otherwise a rhinoceros or a bug, is greater than a man. 

My friends : I wonder if I couldn't, by gentle persuasion — and 
not by such impulses as are administered to contrary cattle — cause 
you more generally to proclaim the truth, and bring a blush upon 
the cheek of the arch-enemy of mankind, if it is possible that a 
glow ot shame can make itself visible upon the countenance of a 
black rascal like him. The devil and I, my brethren, are sv/orn 
enemies. We have been so ever since he put me up (when I was 
a bDy) to hooking watermelons from a neighboring patch, for the 
fun and glory of the thing. Now, if there is any fun or glory in 
being held fast by a bulldog, and by the seat of one's trousers, till 
Mr. Proprietor comes along and releases the canine — why, then, 
old Fix'em may hold his hat to catch my compliments. But he 
lied, and he knew it : he is a liar from the beginning; and I am 
not afraid to tell him so to his face. I shan't fight him, though : 
fc % when I fight, I fight no one but a gentleman — and I'll see him 



6 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

clol-tolted first. This ancient Nicholas being an enemy of mine- 
i srtj»j-ose 1 am bound to love him, in a degree; but that degree i8 
very small, I can assure you. I wish him well enough — better, 
no doubt, than he wishes me. He can go on lying, however, if 
he chooses, while I shall persevere in preaching the truth, and 
perhaps a leetle more than the truth. 

Now, my hearer.s, what is the truth, and what isn't ? Why, it 
is true that most of you fashionable, church-going fellows make 
greai pretensions to piety, and exhibit outwardly a righteous show, 
while true Religion ' holds no inward seat.' There is a vast dif- 
ference tietween theoretical and practical piety. One has 'hair on 
if — the oiher hasn't. 

It is the truth that politicians who pretend to have such a regard 
for the dear ' people,' don't care a hooter, so long as their own 
selfish ends are obtained. What care they for you or me, after 
all ? They love you — and so doth a cat love a mouse ! 

It is the truth that, if you show to your wife that you love her 
most prodigally, she will ' come, none of your capers.' The fault 
is, that husbands, upon the whole, don't convince their tenderer 
halves that they love them so much as they really do. Now, I 
never had any experience in this matter; but I'll risk my hopes 
of heaven, on a bet, that my ideas on the subject are as correct a.s 
the reckoning of a Dutch grocer, 

it is true that we all want to live without work, if we can ; and 
yet, had we nothing to do, we should be perfectly miserable. It 
is employment that brings contentment. 

It is true that we think more of the Past and the Future than 
or the Present ; reckless of the fact that the despised Present 
cnanges into the admired Past, and the fond Future into the unat- 
tractive Present. 

It is true that if you follow the path of vice, you will get into 
a swamp before you know it ; and that, if you walk in the ways 
of wisdom and virtue, you will enjoy an Eden upon earth. 

And it is also true, my friends, that you can't make a gentle- 
man of a woman by abusing her. 

In short, there are many truths to be told, which will je utterec' 
hereafter; but sufficien. foi to-day is th( l.ttle that 1 have bit 
loose. So mote it be '. 



SHORT PATINT SERMONS. 7 

RICH IN KNOWLEDGE : POOR IN WISDOM. 

Text. — How many are in knowledg^e rich, 
And yet in wisdom poor! 

Mr Hearers : we mortals love to delve in the mines of knowledge. 
but hew few of us look for the priceless pearls of wisdom ! The 
waves of time wash many a valuable gem upon tHe moral shore, 
that remains as unheeded as the commonest pebble by its side. If 
man sought for wisdom more and knowledge less, he would be a 
happier creature than he is, and his prospects through life would 
not 60 often bud roses and blossom thistles — as some other philo- 
sopher than himself has remarked. 

There are many unwise characters in this world, my friends, 
that seem to delight in purposely spoiling their own porridge of 
peace and happiness. There is your envious man. He makes 
himself miserable, and has no appetite for the crumbs of comfort, 
because others partake so heartily of life's rational enjoyments. 
He goes out of his way to walk among nettles, brambles and 
thorns, because others pursue a smooth and flowery path — tor- 
ments himself, like a porcupine, with his own bristles, at the sight 
of a fortunate neighbor — lives as unenvied as he envies; ana, 
when he dies, he is like a mere figure rubbed from the slate of ex- 
istence, to be remembered no more. 

The miser, my friends, sits and watches his money till he starves 
himself to death, and leaves posterity to fatten upon that which 
impoverished him. Having no charity to bestow upon uimself, 
he has none to spare for others; and, consequently, he has a ra- 
ther small soul — so small that a million like it could go through 
the eye of a cambric needle abreast without rubbing upon either 
side. 

The jealous man gets up imaginary monsters to frighten him- 
self with — pours gall into his connubial coffee, and keeps his lit- 
tle pond of love for ever muddy by stirring it up with the grap- 
pling irons of suspicion. But the mean man, perhaps, is about 
the anwisest ; for he gives himself a kicking to despite a neigh- 
bor He feels as mean, too, as a rooster in a thunder shower: 
for he Knows that even a decent-looking sheep-stealer must e\er 
regard him with utter contempt. The proud man lOoks upon 
many jjp'eater people than himself as mere pigmies ; but he '-un't 



• SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Bee that he falls in ihe estimation of sensible observers just in pra 
portion as he rises in his own. When his money forsakes him^ 
he will feel himself falling in realiiy, and none shall condescend 
to set him upon his carnal pillars again. The slanderer amuses 
himself by throwing mud upon reputations that are whiter than 
his own, at the expense of being everywhere looked upon as lit- 
tle better than a locomotive lying machine, that turns out false- 
hood by steam, and at the jate of two bushels j)er minute. The 
highway robber and murderer is either a madman or a fool : for 
the sake of a few paltry dollars and cents, he runs the risk ol 
having his head poked through a halter and sent with a jerk into 
an uncertain and fearful eternity. 

But, my hearers, the most unfortunately indiscreet mortal upon 
earth is the hypochondriac. His little sum of happiness consists 
in keeping himself miserable, and everybody around him. He 
makes up a choice assortment of ideal complaints, and never takes 
greater comfort than when he thinks he has persuaded people he 
has use for them all at once. He often grumbles for the want ol 
something to grumble at — grumbles out a long and tedious exist- 
ence, and ceases only to growl when death closes his mouth. 

My friends : that man possesses true wisdom who bears up be- 
neath a heavy load of disappointment or affliction — who contri- 
butes to the welfare of his fellow-creatures as far as lies in his 
pocket and power — who sees nothing but what is beautiful ic 
nature, anl who never finds fault \\\ih any of the doings of I'ro* 
Tidence. So mote it be ! 



DUST TO DUST. 

TcxT. — Few are thy days, and full of wo, 
man, of woman born ! 
Thy doom is written, ' Dust thou art, 

And shalt to dust return.' 

Behold the emblem of thy state, 

In flowers that bloom and die, 

Or in the shadow's fleeting form, 

That mock the gazers eye. 

My Hearers: the days of man, born of a womar are few in« 

deed — scarcely worth mentioning. There was a time when bu 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

man life stretched itself out to a thousand years; hut, now, one 
thinks he does pretty well if he can crawl up near enough to gel 
a grab at threescore and ten. In consequence of your sins and 
iniquities, brethren, you are not allowed to tarnish the earth with 
your vile tread but for a very short time. Verily, as it haih been 
written, You spring up like peppergrass, jump about like a hop- 
pergrass, and lie down and die like a jackass. There is a number 
put upon your days — and that number is almost 0. 

Your days, brethren, are full of wo — filled to the brim with 
griefs, cares, sorrows, and anxieties. The All-wise Ruler of the 
universe plants thorns in your paths — puts aloes in your cups of 
pleasure — mixes pain with every joy, and bestows the blessings of 
sickness upon you in order that you may appreciate the still greater 
blessings of health. You probably think it hard that you're com- 
pelled to travel over so rough a road as the one that leads from 
the cradle to the grave ; but, brethren, recollect that whatever hea- 
ven has ordained is all foi the best. As my friend Pope says — 
♦Whatever is, is right;' so content yourselves with your miseries, 
and make up your minds that you are a great deal happier than 
you at present imagine. 

My dear hearers : do you know what you are made of? Dust, 
nothing but dust! The tenements in which your souls reside are 
mere mud-built shanties, constructed of the soil that yields you 
your food. Death soon demolishes them — they commingle with 
the dust from which they were made, and the spirit takes wings 
unto the God that gave it. But; brethren, by proper care and self- 
attention, you may hold out to a good old age. If you neglect 
yourselves, Providence will neglect you ; and Satan always stands 
ready to accommodate all against whom the gates of heaven are 
closed. Brethren, in order to prolong life, allow mc to tell you 
how to live during the sickly season. Be temperate in eating — 
don't gorge; undereat, and you enjoy an immunity from all sum- 
mer epidemics'. At the same time, you should be careful what 
you eat, however little it may be. Let all crude fruit and vegetables 
alone — abstain from fresh fish and fresh meat — stick to a salt diet 
—make free with cayenne pepper — take occasionally a LurLK 
good (]) brandy — keep your minJs as easy as a feather-bed, and 
^e regular in attendance at my church. 

My hearers : live as you will, you must die at last ; and that i« 



10 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

.0- morrow. Behold the emblems of you state ! The flowers Jhat 
bud, bloom and die in a few days, speak silently, and yet w.th a 
loud admonition, that you must soon droop, decay, wither, kick 
the bucket, and be tucked under the sod. What is life "? — A sha- 
dow made by tlie sunlight, and in a moment destroyed by a cloud • 
a mushroom, that scarcely lifts its head upon daylight ere it re- 
turns to darkness and death : a butterfly, that enjoys a brief sum- 
mer, and is gone for ever : a bubble upon the wave of time, that 
burf^ts almost as soon as formed : a lump of ice in an August sun : 
a kiss, that does not last long enough for a fellow to ascertain how 
good it is. In short, my dear friends, life is one of the greatest 
uncertainties in the world ; but make the best of it while it is 
yours — live temperately — be good-humored, cheerful, kind and 
charitable, and you will get as much of it as is at present allotted 
to mankind. So mote it be ! 



MIDSUMMER, LIKE LOVE : TOO WARM. 

Text. — Each season possesses some beauty and charm, 

But the charm of midsummer, like love, is too warm. 

My Hearers : in my last discourse I spoke of change as being 
the order of things, and necessary to the comfort, health and hap- 
piness of us sublunary mortals. Now mark how the seasons 
change, and say, if you can, that you are not satisfied therewith ! 
Is it not all for the best 1 All spring, all summer, all autumn, or 
all win'ier, would be scarcely endurable. Each is good in its turnj 
for, as the Bard of Avon once said, Variety is the spice of life thai 
gives it all its flavor — and an all-wise Providence seems to have 
60 catered as to suit the tastes of even the most fastidious. The 
mild, mellow days of golden autumn are glorious to behold — 
there is music in the wild winds of winter ; and, w^hile Nature is 
taking a comfortable nap beneath her snowy counterpane, we are 
having all sorts of fun, and making night merry with the tallest 
Bpecimens of social enjoyment — in spring we feel rejuvenated, 
buoyant and hopeful ; feel as though we were about to take a 
fresh start, with the grass, skunk-cabbages, and vegetation in ge- 
nera^ — and now, in summer, we are enjoying the beauties of Na* 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 11 

tare, lu the meridian of all her glory and splendor. The grass 
will never be greene.'- — the foliage thicker — the flowers lovelier — 
the rivers bluer — the lakes calmer — the sun brighter — the dells 
darker — and I puff", pant and pray that the weather may never be 
hotter ! 

My friends : [Phew ! let me exercise my handkerchief a little] 
— it's hot enough to sweat all the sin out of Sabbath-breaking: 
and, if you had rather lay off at Hoboken, or Coney Island, than 
sit in this oven and hear me agonize, I w-on't blame you for your 
choice. As it is written in the Second Epistle of Chabert to the 
Salamanders, Oh ! for a lodge in some vast wilderness — some 
boundless coiitinent of shade ! How do you aspiring hod-carriers 
stand it, upon the ladder to brick-laying distinction, to be pierced 
with Sol's fiery arrows for hours ? When I think of your situa- 
tions, a scalding, sympathetic tear drops inwardly upon my heart, 
and it sisses like a tailor's goose. Phew ! — whew ! — the caloric 
driven all the gospel out of me. I feel as if I was frying in the 
fat of my own faith. My moral faculties are altogether unsol- 
dered, and all my solid grace has resolved itself into liquid gravy. 
But we must try, brethren, to keep as cool as we possibly can. 
Don't get excited upon politics, religion, or universal freedom : but 
wait till the dog-days are over — and then you may pump your 
passions into as high a state of effervescence as you like, with 
comparative safety : as the weather is now^, there is some danger 
of bursting your physical boilers before you know it. A great deal 
depends upon the channel c f your thoughts. I beseech of you 
not to think a moment of love, hell-fire, or hot whiskey punches; 
but let your thoughts rest upon some shady paradise, iced lemon- 
ades, a driving snow-storm, and the jingling of the sleigh-bells. 
Contrive to meet an old acquaintance in the street, and let him 
give yor. the cold shoulder as he passes — that will be as refresh- 
ing as a shower to the withering plant. Frosted friendship is a 
great thing when the thermometer threatens death and destruction 
to every living excitable object. Now :s a good time to give you 
.jome understandable idea of the lake that burneth with fire and 
biimstone; but I am not such a cruel monster as to do it, at }ire- 
sent. Your sufferings, I perceive, are sufficiently severe, wMthout 
their being augmented by the description of any hotter climate 
til an this. 



12 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

My hearers : your noses look like so many rea pepper-poas by 
a jrarden fence ; how is mine ? I am glad to know, however, that 
your hearts are cohl enough to prevent your melting into candle 
grease; and that, although you persi)ire like roasting pigs, you 
won't sweat out so much sin but there will be enough left to ena- 
ble you to get a decent living in the world. As I would as soon 
preach in a barrel with the bung-hole stopped, as here, I will dis- 
miss you at once, with my blessing. All the advice I have to give 
you is : Keep quiet — try to be cool — take a bath r '^ht and morn- 
ing — wear light clothing — sleep on straw beds— c&,t principally 
vegetable food — do nothing to worry your consci fiv^ft — don't lei 
politics and mosquitoes trouble you nrwre than yoi.«.Aii iieip- ^nii, 
above all, keep clear of debt. So mote it be ! 



THIS BUSTLING WORLD. 

Text — This is a bustling world, and man mr >t bustle to li?*. 

My friends ! all is life in the world we ii 'labit — 

For ever in action is all ; 
Life's everywhere stirring — nay 't skips ike a rabbit, 
Upon this terraqueous ball : 

My stars ! what a bustle ! 
Good Lord ! what a tussle ! 
How they hurry and hussle 

One another about ! 
There's no pause for the vv eked, 
No rest for the sick head — 
Either go or be kick-ed. 
Is the law given out. 

The beasts and the birds, from the mc/ning so •*ariy 

Until uncle Day-god has set. 
Are hither and thither, and all busy-barly — 
Because they've a living to get; 

And so they must snatch it up, 
Or root it, or scratch it up, 
Or plan it, or hatch it up. 
The best way they can ; 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 11 

From Catskill to Tat)oi, 
God's made them to labor 
As weJI as their neighbor — 
That animaJ — man. 

That animal, man, is the laziest creature 

That Heaven, or Nfiture, e'er made ; 
The rogue he exhibits in every feature, 
And lying, 'twould seem, is his trade. 
Now, when the Creator 
Had 'done' th' alligator, 
(Says the second relator,) 

He pronounced the thing good; 
' Did he say thus of man, sir !' 
You ask me — I'll answer, 
As well as I can, sir : 

He would if He could ! 

Than live by the toil of his hands he'd much rathef 

Half live by his wits all alone ; 
He'd swindle his brother, and rob his own father, 
Were he sure it would never be known. 
To this precious sonny 
What's sweete- than honey! 
Why, money — 0, money I 

That ' root of all evil !' 
But rather than work for 't, 
The rascal would lurk for 't, 
Or scrape, bow and smirk for 't — 
Or go to the devil. 

\e.s, gold is the stuff for which mortals all scrabl.l* 

How many, though, don't budge an inch ! 
They look for success on the chance of a rabble 
And hope for good luck — on a pinch. 
Then, so lack-a-daisy — 
I might say half crazy — 
All misty and mazy, 

They lie oti at ease; 
And no trouble borrow, 
Qu'te sure that to-morrow 



1 4 SHORT PATENT SIRM0N8. 

Will bring them no sorrow. 
But something to please. 

Now, friends, I'd advise you to stir and keep doing,— 

Do SOMETHING, ye great and ye small ; 
Though should it amount to but kissing and wooing, 
'Tis better than nothing at all : 

Keep on, and keep trying — 
Some truth and some lying, 
Will keep you from dying, 

As you all may see ; 
But should the old Harry 
Advise you to marry. 
Consider and tarry, 
And so mote it be . 



MODERN YOUTHS. 



Text. — Now, Mr. Shakspere, tell me, if you can, 

The diiference between a youth and a young man ? 

My Hearers : this question was once asked of my friend Shak- 
spere by a drunken, mahogany-faced, carbuncle-nosed blacksmith. 
The reply was, that there existed tho same difference as between a 
scalded and a coddled apple. We see, then, that, in the time of 
the great bard, a youth was nothing more nor less than an inci- 
pient man. Though physically juvenile, he was self-opinionally 
endowed with all the ripened attributes of manhood. He scorned 
to be called a boy, though he proved himself a child by pouting 
when addressed as ' my lad.' Because his mother's apron-strings 
were then, as now, composed of gum-elastic, which stretched so 
as to allow him to roam somewhat at random, he foolishly ima- 
gined that he had clipped them asunder with the scissors of inde- 
pendence, and was at liberty to enjoy all the rights and privileges 
of the adult. Yet boys will be boys, in spite of their strongest 
endeavors to appear as men. 

My friends : in these degenerate days of ours, we have no youth 
among the masculine gender. They are either bab*is or men. No 
sooner has a lad arrived at the age of sixteen than he begins to 
turse, sweai and swagaer, like a ;^rajuate in the school of prol'a* 



<HORT PATENT SERMONS. If 

nity and pompousness — chew tobacco as a horse eats hay — smokf^ 
cigars, as if his reputation were based upon the commitment or 
non-commitment of the act — drink rum, as though his charactei 
might suffer disparagement if he didn't indulge according to the 
habits and customs of his elders — and try to cultivate whiskers, 
fo) the sake of exciting the envy and jealousy of his fellow play- 
mates. How proud is the fledgling when he first discovers a few 
pinfeathers starting from his callow chin ! He is no longer a child 
thpn, but a man, in every sense of the word. Should his mothei 
ever have the temerity to scold him, he calls her ' no gentleman ;' 
and if the father undertake to chastise him, he complacently draws 
his fingers across his upper lip, as much as to say, ' If you lay 
hold 01 me, you take the lion by the beard.' Oh ! these modern 
youth ! — they are bright enough without any extra rubbing : let 
them alone. All they want to become perfect men are, heathen- 
ish whiskers, a standing shirt-collar, high-heeled boots, and a big 
pocket-book. If th«y don't shine then in full meridian splendor, 
they never will. But what looks worse upon the cheeks of a boy 
than a pair of precocious whiskers '? They resemble, to my mind's 
eye, a paucity of half-scared lichens encircling a sickly fungus. 
And then as for chewing tobacco : to see such a temple of primal 
purity, clean and new from the hand of the Great Architect, be- 
daubed with the filthiest of the filthy, is enough to turn the sto- 
mach of an o.strich. As to youth imbibing alcohol — that double- 
distilled damnation to young souls — for the sake of being thought 
men, I would rather that a son of mine should saw his legs off, 
or venture upon a speculation in Wall street, than be guilty of 
such a mind-debasing and body-destroying practice. Then to heai 
a lad, before he is old enough to wrestle with a full-grown grass- 
hopper, boldly take the name of God in vain, and set at defiance 
the hosts of heaven and the minions of hell, is indeed most aw- 
ful ! I don't mind a boy's swearing a little, just a little, according 
to what he is allowed by those who are older, and have a right to 
swear as they choose. For instance, he may make use of such 
expressions as ' By Golly !' 'By Gosh!' or 'By the great never- 
hving jumping Moses !' These will all do pretty well; they come ; 
near to the mark, but don't touch. They trespass not in the leasl j 
upon the profane privileges of grown people. But here in Goth- 
<im — this city of swearing, gambling, swaggering, hypocrisy, tool- 



k6 iHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

ishness, foppery, affectation, and all sorts of sin — I see no d.tTer- 
ence between boys, young men, and men of mature years. Put 
them all together in a bag of colossal dimensions, give them a 
good shaking-up, and empty them out in a heap, and it would puz- 
zle Old Nicholas himself to tell which is the man and which the 
hoy. 

This is a great country, my friends; — it grows with its growth, 
and the undergrowth groweth with marvellous rapidity. Heavea 
only knows what we shall arrive at in the end; but I sincerely 
hope, and venture to trust, that we shall all reach heaven at last 
So mote it be ! 



A SHORT SERMON PREACHED TO A SHORT PEOPLE. 

VViND-wHisTLE Islanders ! you vile undergrowth of the human 
forest ; you dwarfish, stunted, frost-frightened samples of primi- 
tive humanity! why do you not contrive to grow taller, physic- 
ally, mentally and morally "? You hold your heads high, and ima- 
gine that they are as near heaven as mine; but it is no such thing 
— you fall short of me by a foot and a half, standing in my stock- 
ings and wig off; and as for your religious ideas, they were never 
known to do more than to put forth a few sickly sprouts and die. 
This is all owing, my dear heathen, to your abominable, self-willed 
ignorance, which I suppose you will do your best to maintain for 
ever. At present you seem determined to know nothing, and I'm 
afraid I haven't sufficient power and plug tobacco about me to sway 
you from such a sinful determination. If 1 speak to you of bet- 
ter lands than your own dreary, desolate, rocky, storm-tattered 
island, you hoo-hoo at me, as much as to say ' No you don't, we 
are not made of grass !' But let me tell you of a wonderful truth. 
Away down in the south, where the sun goes to warm himself in 
winter, (who said hoo?) is a great country called California; a 
land abounding in gold, rum and plug tobacco. The rocks, as big 
as yours, are all solid gold — so solid that, as yet, they never hav* 
been broken to afford sordid ambition a piece as big as your little 
toe-nail ; but they will be soon, and perhaps more immediately 
The trees, whose waving tops tickle the cheeks of the moon, and 
keep the stars for evei wluking. aie j.er|.«:tually foiiageJ *itb 



SHORT PATKNT SERMONS. 11 

leaves of silver, and ever hang with golden apples, averaging in 
size from a small fist up to a big baby's head. But, m nd, you 
VVind-'.vhistlers, ali these temptations exist only at the tops of the 
trees, and in the healed imaginations of enihusiasts — wholly be 
vend the reach of mortal man. Down in the valleys, though^ 
there is more gold, mixed with tobacco, than would bury youi 
whole island to the depth of half a mile, and smk your souls even 
keper in the mire of depravity than they are now. There they 
liave machines, propelled by everlasting perpetual power, to sepa- 
rate the pure from tha impure — the clean from the unclean — the 
chalf fiom the wheat — the righteous from the unrighteous. Bush- 
els of unseemly rubbish are poured into the top of the machine, 
wlii'e from the bottom eternally gush two vast, magnificent, hea- 
venly streams : the one of pure, unmarried, virgin gold — the other 
of beautiful, blue-black, sweet-scented plug tobacco. Then, 0, 
Wind-whistlers! just imagine that this auriferous and narcotic Ca- 
lifornia is also a spiritual land of promise! Yes, there all the ri- 
vers run fourth-proof ISanta Cruz rum over beds of brown sugar, 
and every mudhole is a monstrous basin of molasses. Now will 
you speed on the wings of the wind, or on your fast trotters eith- 
er, to this blessed land 1 I feel assured that you will; for if gold, 
fum and tobacco won't entice a heathen, as well as a christian, 
(hen the world is not nov/ as it was in the days of 'Moses and 
the profits.' Hoo-hoo ! you grunt most unanimously. Weil, stiy 
where you are, then ; delight in your own destitution, and make 
merry with your own m.icery. While I send round my hat to re- 
ceive your shells and trinkets, let us all sing, after a fashion: 

When thirst for gold enslaves the mind, 
And selfish viev/s alone bear sv/ay, 

Man leaves his wife and babe behind. 
And hies to Ca-li-for-ni-a. 
Brethre.:i Wind-whistle Islanders! since your affections have 
laken such de?p root here in the cracks of the rocks that I can't 
pull them up without danger of bursting something, peimit me to 
throw a small handful of advisatory salt among you. There are 
spots upon your cold, hard-looking island tenderly susceptible of 
cultivation. These you must cultivate. Plant potatoes, corn and 
oeans — beans especially ; and as these spring up and flourish, they 
will give premonitory evidence of your being upon the right track 
2 



18 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

to civilization. Only know beans, and you increase in wisdoia 
bodily strength and gumption : they add much to the coiporeal 
weight, and cubits to the stature of the mind. Beans work won- 
aers. Raise them, and you will raise yourselves in time to a level 
with the enlightened nations of the earth ; but I can't promise yoi' 
any more real happiness than you now possess. So mote it be ! 



ROLLING ONWARD. 

Text. — Rolling, rolling, keep the ball a-rolling 
My Hearers: when I speak of rolling, you needn't take partica 
lar pains to understand that I have reference to ten-pins — though 
I have no objection to your indulging in that species of healthfu; 
amusement as often as time and money will permit. What I mean 
by rolling is, that you should keep matters rolling onward — push 
ahead, and not allow them to rest and stagnate. Persevere in all 
things — put your hand to the plough and never look back ; and 
the time will come when you can roil in your carriages past the 
huts and dens of Poverty, as unconcerned for a dollar as a duck 
for an India-rubber overshoe. 

My friends: see how^ the whole universe is made to roll ! The 
cun, moon and stars are all of a globular form, and they are bound 
to keep rolling so Icnj as the years roll round. There is nothing 
square in Nature — all approaches, more or less, to rotundity. Do 
you know a beast, bird, fish, or creeping thing, that is square in its 
make 1 No, I know you don't. Man's body is round, his head 
IS round, his limbs and his bones are round, and so on, all round. 
He is so manufactured that he may roll along, tumble along, or 
get along some way or other; but a square thing can't budge an 
inch. Now, this ball of mortal aesh should be kept rolling — in 
constant exercise, as much as the ' rolling spheres.' But one half 
of you don't move" enough to keep from moulding. The *:onse- 
quence is, yo'i present shabby exte .iors, and the spiders oi melan- 
choly weave their webs in every corner of the brain. 'Keep the 
ball a-rolling!' is the motto for all — politicians especially. If you 
ge* ip an excitement in favor of any particular candidate for the 
presidendy, you must ' keep the ball a-rolling-,' or probab y he 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 19 

won't jret a chance to sleep vA'ithin the walls of the White House. 
VVoulil-be presidents are like balls of snow: the more you roll 
them the greater they grow — (in imagination.) But there is one 
thing certain — we must all turn to Clay, at last — not politically, 
but literally speaking. Yes, dear brethren, Tijne rolls on. c.nd it 
wor/* be but a little while before we shall all be rolled into our 
graves. The grass will grow green above us — the flowers will 
bloom at our lowly bedsides — the birds will sing their matins and 
their vespers in the thick summer foliage ; but we shall not behold 
die beautiful flowers, nor hear the sweet songs of the little merry 
birds. No. we shall be there 'as snug as a bug in a rug,' as blind 
as a bat, as deaf as a post, and as stiff' as a poker; only we shan't 
— not WE. The soul's old clo's lie buried in the ground, but the 
dispossessed possessor still lives, clothed in the unfading and un- 
wearoatable garments of immortality. Meanwhile Earth and her 
sister Seasons roll on as usual. One generation passes away, and 
another succeeds. The living wonder where the dead are gone, 
and wait with fear for the solving of the great mystery You \vi\\ 
all And it out eventually; but, while you ' live and move and have 
a being,' do your best to ' keep the ball a-moving.' So mote it be !' 



ON ANGER. 

Text. — Anger is like 

A full hot horse, who being allowed his way, 
Self mettle tires him. 

Mv Hearers : Anger is one of the worst, meanest and most con 
temptible of passions that ever occupied an apartment of the hu- 
man soul. Why it hasn't been kicked out, long before now, by 
Love, Philanthropy, Kindness, Religion, Piety and Virtue, is a 
mysteiy to me. They have always had the moral force to do il 
—numerical as well — and why have they not done it'? 1 suspect, 
brethren, it is because their natures are so full of milk, molas.ses, 
sweet oil and balm tea, that they never could forgive themselves 
were they to hurt a hair upon the head of Anger. They are too 
ki-xd-hearted, too generous to do any such thing; even as youi 



20 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

municipal authorities are slow to remove a pig-['en for fear of 
touching too severely the tender susceptibilities of its proprietor, 
eml losing his vote at the next coming election. 

yiy friends : Anger is generally of short duration, lasting about 
fts long as a tempest in a teapot, or fat in the fire; but while 
it rn^'e^;, lillle breezes and mighty whirlwinds! what a tornado it 
Kicks uj in a mortal's bosom ! All our nobler feelings and gene 
rous sentiments are blown hither and thither, pitched one against 
another, and smashed to pieces — every lofty idea is demolished ir 
the twinkling of a snake's tail — the temple of honor is razed to 
the ground, and its fragments scattered to the four winds of hea- 
ven — the tree of love is torn up by the roots, while its leaves of 
friendship and its blossoms of affection till the moral air like chafl" 
in a September gale — and the mantle of religion is torn into more 
rags and tatters than the most disunanirnous blanket you ever saw 
upon the buck of a chimney-sweep. Yes, brethren. Anger, gene- 
rally speaking, lasts but a little while; but only in bosoms of 
fools, according to old Solomon, or Solomon of old, it finds a place 
to lodge long. There it lies, day after day, gritting its teeth and 
pining for revenge. If it doesn't get it, it dies of a slow consump- 
tion, and nobody cares. 

My hearers : let us see what Anger is like. It is like, says our 
text, a red (full, I think, is the word though) hot horse, who, hav- 
ing the liberty to go ahead at whatever stride he pleases, soon gets 
short of wind, and tired with the weight of his own mettle. 

It is like a little narrow brook that rises with a sudden shower, 
makes a great bluster and bubbling, and then falls back again, with 
almost as much haste as it jumped it. Then the softer, more sen- 
sible, and more respectable thoughts flow in — sorrow and shame 
are seen floating upon the surface — and placid love at last returns 
to her happy home. 

It is like — if you could suppose such a thing — a blank diction- 
ary. It wants words at first ; but, when it gets them, it seems as 
thouffh the whole of Webster, and a good slice of Walker, had 
been chewed up to be spit out for the occasion. 

It is like a bunch of burning brushwood; the more you stir il 
op with a long pole, the fiercer rage the flames. Let it alone, and 
it will all soon end in smoke. 

It is like a glass of seiilitz — all foam and fury lur a iiioment, 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 21 

and then settles down to a dead, flat calm — a calm as defunct anc 
insipid as a plass of beer that has stood overnight. 

In short, friends, it is like a quick-tempered woman when hei 
dander is up. She knocks things about at first cost — breaks 
broomsticks — upsets the cradle — creates a panic among the pots 
and kettles — and threatens to annihilate annihilation itself. Don"l 
touch her — keep away from her — let her alone, and in five minutes 
the storm wUl be over, and she as good as pie again. If you are 
Hot fond of pie, suppose I say pudd'n. 

^ly dear friends : always let Angci have its way. When yoii 
arouse it, never attempt to kill it, but leave it to die a natural deatn. 
Its very life depends upon constant molestation. When I speak 
of allowing the monster the largest liberties, I have no reference 
to the anger born in your own bosoms. On such put a strong hal- 
ter, and fasten tight to the post of ren'tn. Whip the animal til) 
he yields to the will of his master, anu becomes as gentle as a 
lamb ; and then look out, for the future, that he doesn't wax fat 
and kick, like Jerusha of olden times. As for me, I never allow 
myself to be pumped into a passion in a moment, nor to be angry 
while any one else is exercising the prerogative ; and I sincerely 
trust, my friends, that you are each as good-natured a fool as youi 
humble preacher. So mote it be ! 



MAN BORN TO TROUBLE. 

Text — Man is born to trouble. 

My friends! there's been trouble The smiles of fond Fancy 

Ail over the world, Prove horrible grins. 

Since out of the garden And our cushions of comfort 

Our parents were hurled : Are stuck full of pins; 

Then Sin hatched a nestful In the cup of gay pleasure 

Of troubles, and they Are aloes and gall. 

Have hatched out a million Wormwood, and cockroaches- - 

To bite us to-day. I can't tell what all. 

Wherever we wander. The weather's, 'most alw.ays, 

We are sure, as we go. Too hot or too cold; 

To be scratched by the thistles Our children are either 

And briars of wo : Too shy or too bold ; 

In the meadows are posies Plums, peaches and cherries 

That sweet pleasure bring you. Are pestered with stones ;— • 

Rut keep out the grass, or No fun eating shad, on 

t\. seipen*. ma}- sting you , Account oi the bones. 



22 SHORT PATENT SERMOKS. 

The favored of Fortune 

P'rom want are secure: 
Though rich as old Dives, 

In peace are as poor ; 
They've troubles to lease them, 

They tin J no repose — 
They've cares on their shoulders 

And corns on their toes. 



Here, Hope! take that bundl* 

< >f nettles away ! 
You promised to bring me 

Bright roses to-day ! 



At the loss of a penny 

They grumble and groan, 
As though the rheumatics 

Were piercing each bone. 
The ghosts of bad shillings 

For ever them haunt, 
A.nd they shake, lest to-morrow 

Should bring them to want ! 

If we rise to distinction, 
Or by wealth acquire fam.e, 



Oh! this ir, the wprld that 

Revolves (»n its ajtis 
; So sleekly, so smoothly, 
I But has troubles an>l taxes i 
I Where man, the proud mortal, 
'; With Folly carouse.*, 
Unheeding the tear of 

His heart and his trousers ! 

Yes, this is the world where 
The high and the low 

Have to sip from the gourd-shel: 
Of sorrow and wo ; 

Where the fleas are not partial 
As to whom they shall bite— ■ 



There are thousands would rob us Whether master or servant, 



Of our rhino — our name} 
The puppies of envy 

Pursue us and bark, 
And gladly would give us 

A nip — in the daik. 

In yon hive there is honey. 

But bees are there, too ; 
* You're d — d but you'll have it 

You're damned if you do: 
5o, never act rashly — 

Be cool, calm and kind; 
For sin, bees and horjiets 

Leave stings, each, behind. 

Biest Anticipation ! 

How fair is thy lace! 
Curst Participation ! 

Get out of the place ! 



King, 'nigger,' or knight. 



Yes, this is the planet 

Where rich man nor poor 
Can keep peace in his dwelling, 
And trouble out door; 
i Where 'sore toes and sickhBss' 

Is the sad lot of all, 
Thiit trot, canter, or gallop, 
i Walk, scrabble, or crawl. 

j Thank heaven ! that some da) 

'Twill be burnt into ashes; 
: Or by some crazy comet 

Knocked all into smyi«hes ! 
TiiJ. THHN let's PLAY happy, 
]\]ake b'lieve it- you ^e« '? 
We can do nothing else, fnendr, 
And, so mote it be! 



EGOTISTICAL IMPORTANCE. 



Text. — 'Twas I slew Samson, when the pillared hall 

Fell down, and cruslied the many with the fall. 

My Hearers: there is no letter in the English alphabet that Ia}8 
tla'7i to so much importance as the I — the almighty I. It ii a 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 23 

wonder to me how it could ever content itself with the middle po- 
sition which it occupies in the list — jammed in between a rough, 
rovvdyish H, and a mean, insignificant J. That it has not gone 
up to the head, long ere this, and planted itself perpendicularly 
over straddling A, is a mystery not to be penetrated. Neverthe- 
less, we must give it credit for its spirit of independence. It say? 
of itself, as my friend Mr. Allen says of himself; 'I am myself 
alone !' — a character of consequence, and, consequently, regard- 
less of consequences. 

My friends : this big 1 is all-puissant, and glories in its might. 
Who killed cock robin 1 'Twas I ! said the sparrow; and with a 
triumphant wag of the tail, off he flew. What a dust we (1) 
kick up ! exclaimed the fly in the coach; and home-made flattery 
persuaded it that it, and it alone, afforded the motive power by 
which the world and stage-coaches are kept in motion. Brothei 
Monk Lewis makes one of his creatures of fancy assert : 

'I guide the pale moon's silver wagon, 
The w4nds in magic bonds I hold : 

I charm to sleep the crimson dragon, 
Who loves to watch o'er buried gold.' 

^o you see, brethren, the f does any and every thing, independent 
of auxiliaries: but, betv»ixt you and me and the bone-mill, it is 
• all in my eye* — nothing inore than a chemical property extract- 
ed from old shoes, called gas, with which not a few individuals 
are mo«t mysteriously inflated. As I have asked before, 

Who killed cock robin ? 

"Twas I,' suid the s})arrow, 
'With my little bow and arrow; 

'Twas I who killed cock robin.' 

This matter adm.its of a doabt ; but, so long as the little sparrow 
RfiTotisticaily asserted, 'Twas 1 that did the deed, we must give it 
ilie benefit of said doubt, and take it for granted that it committed 
the fatal but praiseworthy act — for the want of sufficient evidence 
►o the contrary. 

Who killed Tecumseh '? 

'Twas 1,' said Col. Johnson, 

* With my short gun — not a long gun ; 

'Twas ] who killed Tecumseh.' 

Ii ai^ probability, my friends, the Colonel is justly entitled to the 



24 ilRORr PATENT SERMONS. 

credit 01 flaring let the 'dread Indian's' t^ou] leak ont through a 
bullet-hole ; but many won't believe it, because his own lon^'ue 
has so often tohl of the circumstance. 0, ye unbelievers ! you 
shall have your reward, some time or other, without asking ft)r it. 
You shall be appointed to places, not very desirable, under his Sa- 
tani'- Majesty's government, and compelled to hold them £or ever. 

You should not doubt, my brethren, even Glendower, when, in 
tne stage-actor's bible, he says 

• I can call spirits from the vasty deep;' 
ior you can do the same : ' but will they come when you call V 
If you have sufficient faith, and halloo loud enough, they are sure 
to start out like a lot of fiying-lish — but mind, brethren, that you 
have enough faitii, and a strong pair of lungs ; otherwise you 
2an't fetch 'em. 

My friends : who was the mighty I mentioned in our text, that 
slew Samson when the pillared temple came down with a crash, 
and made pumice of a multitude! Why, it was no other than the 
cold, distant, sullei\, morose, melancholy, spleeny, hypochondriac- 
al, but egotistical j)lanet Saturn — Saturn, with my seven moons! 
— Saturn, the groat I of the solar system ! What does I, Saturn, 
do 1 He (she, or it) says : My course round the Sun is wondrou? 
in circumference: but I travel slowly — I take it easy, for I am in- 
dependent, and can alibrd it. With my magic rings, I perform as- 
ionishinj^ ieats. Man feels me as I pass along the ethereal plains. 
I crush his spirits — J overload him v.iih melancholy care — 1 drive 
him to wilful (^eath with the slings and bitters of outrageous for- 
tune — I shake him almost into shoe-strings with the fever and 
ague — I rack his joints for Liin with the first quality of rheuma- 
tism — I supply him with quinsies a:;d common sore throats to any 
extent; and I always keep on hand all the minor ills that human 
flesh ever desired. I sprinkle poison in the air, and produce pes- 
tilence — I give a sour look upon the land, and famine follows, as 
sure as gaping is calching. I pull nations by the ears, and set 
'hem to quarrelling. I am the originator of all riots, including 
Uiat of the Astor-place Theatre. I am the instigator of all mur- 
•iers. 1 am the author of all wars. I kick kings from their 
thrones, and push their palaces to the ground. 'Tis I that won't 
enlarge the Battery. 'Tvvas I that discovered a lump of gold io 
^"alilorniay and induced thousands of poor sufferers to dig for a 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 25 

while in vain, and then persuaded them to lie down and die l-ke 
brave men and gentlemen. 'Twas I that slew Samson — yes, ana 
'twas I, and I alone, that struck William Patterson, Esquire ! 

J\Iy hearers : all that I (this little I that stands up here in the 
puipit) ever did of any consequence was, once, a good many year<» 
ago, to assist in keeping a large quantity of chov/der from spoil- 
ing :n the pot ; and, afterwards, to discover the short patent prin- 
ciple of preaching, whereby some millions have, I trust, been con- 
verted from vice, sorrow and gloominess to morality, mirth and 
prood humor. So mote it be ! 



TIME PAST — LOVE GOODNESS. 



Text. — Time thaf s gone, none may restore it, 
Love, all hearts must bow before it; 
Goodness, we must still adore it, 
Whencesoe'er it come. 

M" Hearers : well may we con.sider that time is the stuff that life 
i^ made of — and precious stuff it is, too. Therefore, how import- 
ant it is that we should look after it, and make the most of it as ii 
comes. I have said that time is stuti"; so money is stulf, and ' time' 
is money.' This all beseemeth true ; nevertheless it oftentimes 
happeneth ihat he who hath the more time on hand, hath the less 
cash on hand. However, it is generally understood that if we 
take any note of time, it is as good as ready money, inasmuch as 
there be great interest upon it. Time is a good paymaster — he 
settles everything, from the debt of nature down to the lowest 
rum-mill — from a disturbed stomach up to a dangerous dispute. 
Some persons have a murderous disposition for killing time : they 
go out a-gunning for the barbarous purpose, and call it fnerely 
' taking Time by the firelock !' Wretches! — as my friend Michael 
would say — 'What has the jintleman done to disarve such threai- 
TnintT' Why, he has soothed many a sorrow — healed many a 
wound — unheeled many a boot — applied the unction of grease- 
goose to many a chapped conscience — blighted many a rose nj)or: 
the blooming cheek of youth and beauty — caused buds to t)loss">jn 
— blossoms to decay — relieved many a mortal from malignant mi- 
sery — brought millions of unembodied souls from a (juiet noju-r.- 
2 



26 . SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

tity into a material world of wo — and set the door to eterrity ajai 
for all to make a happy escape, at last. Now sum up all, and tell 
me whether Time ought to be killed. My verdict is, Not guilty ! 
Time IS hound to be gone soon enough without troubling ourselves 
as to putting it out of the way. You should make the most of il 
while it lasts; for, when it is once gone, you can no more restore 
it than you can bring a polish upon a rusty reputation by rubbing 
it again.-t a Presbyterian pulpit. 

My fi lends: our text implicitly says we must all bow to, and 
acknowledge, the demi-almighty power of Love. Yes Love is 
really omnipotent. In peace — as my friend Scott said, or might 
could, would, or should, have said— Love tunes the shepherd'^ 
pipe, anl makes him blow it out with a warmth and energ} f'.iffi 
cient to move a mud-turtle : in war, he mounts the warrior's steed, 
and goei his death for pretty Polly, and a people's praise : in the 
halls of fashion, he is seen in gay attire, and is stiff ?s a poker, 
for the hake of Sal and ceremony : in hamlets, he dances nn the 
green, to the tune of 'Bowery gals, will ye come out to-night .' 
and IS a^ antic as a cricket upon a hot hearth, inspired to j.ersA. 
ration by the presence of his beautiful Betsy. In shor' 

Love rules the court, the (s)camp, the grove, 
And men below, and saints above, 
For love is heaven, and heaven is love. 

My dear friends : as regards Goodness, we ail must admire it. 
wherever it be found, or whence it come. No being is so totally 
deprave) but he has some good qualities ; and the darker the cha- 
r.icter the brighter must shine every virtuous spark. Bat, if there 
be anyining that Heaven and I despise, it is a pompous .norta* 
with superfine coat and pants, and principles that most wretchedly 
want patching: yet even in a thing like this, or any other hypo- 
crite who stands between the Devil and Divinity, there is a germ 
of goodness, which only requires the genial sun of circumstance 
lo cause it to shoot, and put forth an honest, benevolent and pro- 
misiny; Made. I say it, my friends, and stick to it, like shoema- 
ker's wax, that we are bound to admire goodness wherever it is to 
be found — whether in the dunghill of humanity, or in the heart** 
of the angels of heaven; and if it comes to us from a quaile' 
whence we least expect it, it is so much iho more worthy a gtiu& 
reus consideration. So mo^.e it be ' 



■HORT PATENT SERMONS. 2 < 

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE. 

Text. — To be, or not to be — that is the question. 

Mr Hearers : I don't see that there need be any question at all 
about ' To be, or not to be.' I say be, as long as as there is a pos- 
sibility of a BE in the world : and so mote it be ! You sour-souled. 
codfish-mouthed misanthropists, who despise yourselves, and hate 
everybody and everything! — your eternal absence would be no loss 
to the world, I am sure : but do you ever expect to be in any hap- 
pier condition, let you go where you will 1 You are determined 
to be miserable, and misery will be your lot to the farthest end of 
for ever. Heaven — to which place you can never go, by the way 
— would be hell to you, and hell itself prove as unsatisfactory as 
heaven. Every one of you dissatisfied, discontented, grumbling 
mortals, will probably go nowhere w^hen you make your escape 
from this terrestrial prison, and have all the room to yourselves. 
At least 1 hope so. 

My friends, what fools you are for ever thinking of making 
your quietus with a bodkin, pistol, rope, or razor! If you get lost 
in the woods, there is always a chance of your finding the way 
out, and you can do no more than die at the worst. — Because you 
find no flowers in winter, can't you possibly wait for the buds and 
blossoms of spring ? — If there come a long northeast storm, will 
you damn all creation and cut your throat'? Has not sunshine al- 
ways succeeded a shower, and fair weather followed the gloomiest 
of skies'? Oh, you forlorn, wretched and suicidal mortals ! cheex 
up, and have the spunk to live and outlast the severest of circum- 
stances. Never say die, so long as you can see a gimlet-hole for 
the light of hope to stream through. There can be a coward of 
no greater magnitude than he who, scared at the shadows and ap- 
paritions of ill, dives headlong into eternity, like a frantic woman 
who throws herself from a third story window, because there is a 
fire somewhere in the neighborhood. It is really horrible to reflect 
upon the number of suicides committed by desperate fools, in the 
course of a year. Horrible ! It is enough to make a dinner-poi 
turn pale, as accustomed to hot water as it is. 

My hearers : your Maker made you a present of a living soul, 
to be returned when called for, and not before. If you disdain- 
fully throw it back upon His hands, or return it with every apo- 



28 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

logy, Task you in all fairness if it isn't one of (he most audariou* 
of insults to Divinity that a mortal is capable of committing. Bui 
I know how it is with you self-killers: when you }>ucker up your 
mouths to blow out life's greasy candle, you dont stop to ihink 
whether you are to be left for ever in total darkness, mild moon- 
light, or broad sunshine — whether there be a God, a iieaven. a de 
vil, or a hell. It is all the .»ame to you so long as you cau escape 
from that big hornet of earth, called Care. Shame ! — everlasting 
shame be on you, ye 'consumptionate' cowards! If the stars of 
heaven are so modest as to hide their heads while the wind i8 
shirt — shifting, what must the still more sensitive angels think of 
your so unceremoniously undressing your souls, and thrusting 
them into their presence, without even a hg-leaf of faith to con- 
ceal their nakedness! 

My dear friends : it is truly sickening to humanity : why, it is 
enough to sour the milk in the cocoanut, to see how many of our 
ought-to-be-happy fellow creatures allow the black spiders of me- 
lancholy to weave their webs in every corner of their bosoms — 
how the miserable mortals take pains to go round and ga/e upon 
the gloomy gable-end of every earthly enjoyment — how they per- 
mit rank weeds to grow up and overshadow every beaulifui plant 
and flower in the garden of existence. Pshaw ! such poor home- 
made devils are not worth the consideration of a catterpiiiar. Let 
them go, if they will, to the place assigned for ail such rubbish. 
As to ' To be, o) not to be,' as I have said before, there is no quej>- 
tion about it. It is BE, most decidedly — ' and nothing else.' So 
mote it be ! 



ON NAMES. 

Text. — A wandering Troubadour was ne, 
And bore a name of high degree. 

My Hearers : a man who has long been dead and gone, and with 
whom, had I been breathing in his day, I could not have helped 
courting a personal acquaintance, once asked the question ' What 
is there in a name V — a question that requires deep thought, much 
study, and a great amount of mental digging to solve. What is 
mean* by a kame 1 Does it mean your inherited cognomen — say 



SnORT PATENT SERM0K8. 2S 

/•m'th, Johnson, Hopkins, Duggins? or the name that yon acquire 
by good conduct (for you are all totally depraved by nature) ? — 
cr the name that you gain by cleverness, smartness, talent and in- 
genuity 1 All these are to be considered, as the fisherman said 
when he found a motley mess in his scoop-net. 

My friends : there is more in your ancestral names than you 
mav at first imagine. A long name always commands more re- 
spect than a short one. For instance, if your patronymic be 
Montgomery, Montague, Montcalm, Washington, or Chateaubri- 
and, you are lifted so high in the estimation of the world, that 
such short, bobtailed concerns as Jones, Haynes, Fay, Dow (Ji.), 
are lost sight of entirely. So, if you happen to be cursed with a 
short name, I advise you to apply at once to the state legislature 
for something longer — more high-sounding — and, consequently, 
more respectable. Higginbottom sounds altogether more respect- 
able than Mix, and Kaufmammsmuzecolf is preferable to eithe'" 
Oh, you contemptible Browns, Smiths, Jones, Meads, and all sucn 
unconsidered trash ! — why do you allow yourselves to be thus cut 
so short 1 Either add s} llables to, or alter, your appellations, and 
jou will raise yourselves a couple of pegs higher in the sight of 
those who never saw you. [E.vcuse the bull, brethren.] 

My dear friends : the name that the world gives you, for your 
good or bad behavior, is to be vastly considered. If you pursue 
the path of virtue, walk in wisdom's ways, act honestly, and be- 
have yourselves before company, you will be presented with a 
jewel worth more than all the wealth of the Indies, and of which 
there is no fear of your being robbed — a good name. A man who 
pretends to feel for another under difficulties may, by his plausi- 
ble good feeling, extract from him all that he hath- -except his 
good character. That is his own, and is his for ever. You may 
spit the tob«cco-juice of calumny upon it, or bespatter it accord- 
ing to the worst of your endeavors, nevertheless, all these stains 
will fade and disappear by being bleached in the sunshine of pub- 
lic opinion. You cannot rob a man of his good name. It may be 
tarnished for a time, or a few Haws may be picked in it ; but, 
•ventually, it will recover its original brightness, and assume its 
wonted wholeness. No, brethren — as for taking a mortal man's 
^ood name from him, you might as well undenaiie to pull goose- 
quiUs from the wings of an angel. 



so SHORT PATENT SERMOM*. 

My hearers: theve is certainly something about a name above 
what I can explain, or any of us can comprehend. There always 
■.s 'nore respect paid to l^oLLV-syllables than to MoLLY-syllaldes. 
Why it is so, I do not feel myself at liberty to express an oi/.nion 
-nevertheless, it is so. Then, on another hand, when you liave 
once acquired 'a name of high degree,' as says our text, you stand 
unshaken and unshakeable. You can cheat, swindle, rob, or even 
commit murder, and you are exonerated in the eye of the world. 
Bat, brethren, I exhort you always to act according to the dictates 
of your own consciences ; and, by so doing, you will be at peaci* 
ff-ith your God and yourselves. So mote it be ! 



WANT OF MONEY, THE WORST OF WANTS. 

Text. — Want sense, and the world will o'erlook it; 
Want feeling — "twill find some excuse; 
But if the world knows you want money, 

You're certain to get its abu?e: 
The wisest advice in existence 

Is ne'er on its kindness to call ; 
The next way to get its assistance 
Is — show you don't need it all ! 

My Hearers: this is not only a great, but a curious and myste- 
rious w^orld we live in, ami pay rent for. All discord is haimony; 
all evil is good; all des])otism is liberty; and all wrong is right — 
for, as Alexander Polk says, 'Whatever is, is right;' except a left 
boot, and wanting to borrow money. You may want sense, and 
the world won't blame you for it. It would gladly furnish you 
with tlie article, had it any to spare; but, unluckily, it has hardly 
enough for home consumption. It generously overlooks the mat- 
ter, inasmuch as you had not the inaking of yourself; for, if you 
had, there is no doubt but you would have put in a few more 
brains, and put on a little less bottom. However, if you lack 
sense, you are well enough off, after all ; for then, if you commit 
a FOX PAW, as the French say, you are let go with the comi)liment 
'Poor fool I he doesn't know any belter!' The truth is, a great 
deal of brains is a vast deal of botheration. An empty skull is 
bound to shine in company ; because the prop'ietor of it has not 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 31 

^ense enough 1o know that there is a poss^ibility of his making a 
nincompoop of himself; and, therefore, he dashes ahead, hil o: 
miss, and generally succeeds beyond the bounds of all expectation 
Let a man be minus brains and plus brass, and he is sure to slide 
through the world as though he were greased from ear to ancle; 
but rig up for him a complete machinery of thought, and it is as 
much as he can do to tend it. He goes to his grave, rulfled and 
tumbled — curses life for its cares, and moseys into eternity pack- 
saddled with mental misery. Oh, for the happiness of the fool ! 

My friends : if you want feeling, it will always find excuse. 
The apparently-miserable mendicant, that begs a penny at your 
door, may be better off than yourself.— You hesitate to help a 
mortal out of the pit of poverty, lest he turn about and tumule 
you in the same pit for your kindness. As for pretending to feel 
for a brother's woes, his misfortunes and his miseries, is all in rny 
eye and JVIrs. Elizabeth Martin. The only true state of feeling is 
to feel for another man's money. Get that, and then you can feel 
— feel — feel comfortable. 

My dear friends : don't let the world know that you really stand 
in need of money ; if you do, it will see you a considerable way 
further down before you get a copper from its treasury. The world 
rides those that are ridden — treads upon those that are down — ■ 
kicks those that are used to being kicked, and cuffs the ears of the 
poverty-bitten, as though they had been guilty of some enormous 
offence. You must hold up your heads — look smart (as you ac- 
tually DO smart) and pretend that your pockets are suffering with 
a plethora of the ' pewter' if you wish to obtain a pecuniary fa- 
vor from your fellow rascals. All is deceit and hypocrisy here 
below. Man takes every available advantage of his brother man, 
in the way of business; and, if I were to swap horses to-day with 
a minister of the gospel, I should keep one eye open just as wide 
as though I were dealing with a notorious jockey. Excuse my 
want of confidence in professional piety; but faith is not to be 
summoned by each wish and desire. Flesh is flesh, and fish is 
fish, after all. 

My hearers : if you have nothing, nobody can rob you. [Dont 
be alarmed at that passage of the scripture which says, ' He that 
hath nothing, from him shall be taken even what he haih.'] It 
you have nothing, you are safe, provided you can manage to ex* 



82 iHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

tort an existence. If you can get something, anyhow, well and 
good, so long as the world considers it honestly your own; but, 
if you go to borrow money, make the lender believe that you are 
about to enrich him by paying great interest, when you have not 
tlie remotest idea of disturbing the principal I talk this way be- 
cause It is the way of the world. It is 'pull Dick, pull Devil,' 
with mankind through life.^The one that, unfortunately, falls be- 
hind is a victim to kicks and curses, while he that is ahead basks 
in the sunshine; of fortune and popular favor, albeit he be one the 
devil would disdain to touch with a pitchfork. For my part, I do 
not want to s«'e such things. I wish to see you all united, with- 
out regard to condition, sex, or sentiment. I want to see you men 
ail shake hands with one another, and do whatever is fair, each 
unto each. I desire you to kiss the women, and love them in all 
sincerity; for there is no doubt but they were put upon earth for 
a good purpose. And, lastly, I warn you against thinking too 
much of money; for it has carried a'good many to hell and none 
to heaven. So mote it be ! 



LOOK AHEAD. 

Text. — If that the Past doth seem unkind, 
J wiJl a belter Present find: 
If Present things should bring annoy, 
111 make the Future brim with joy. 

My Hearers: another inch of Time's tail has just been chopped 
Dtf'; another chapter of life's romantic story has been read ; mo- 
ther revolution of the great wheel has been effected — another year 
has been swallowed by the insatiate Past — slipped down its guilet, 
like a rabbit into the maw of an anaconda. Last Monday eve we 
saw his heels just barely stickiiig out : when the ironical tongue 
ol St. Paul's proclaimed the ' noon of nigiit,' the old year was not 
quite a goner — his shoe-taps were still Visible from witnout the 
monster's mouth ; but when St. George's tolled the midnight hour, 
Ve were solemnly and earnestly told that Eighteen Hundred and 
Forty-Nine, Esq., had gone the way of his predecessors; or, in 
9\h.tr words, that he was defunct — a corpse. 
Now, ray friends, since the old year has departed, I hope you 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 33 

will let it rest in peace ; but I am afraid not. 1 fear you will de- 
sperate its grave — Jig up its bones — rake over its ashes, out of 
evenge for some fancied ill-usage. It 's now the property of the 
i'ast; and to it let it belong. Leave it to manure the fields where 
the historian reaps his harvest, and the antiquarian loves to delve, 
for it is yours no more. 

The year just slid away may have seemed unkind to many of 
you, my brethren. Perhaps it has upset some of your strongest- 
built culcu.atioas — soured your sweetest hopes — beclouded youi 
brightest prospects — and played Tom-fool with you in a numbei 
of ways. Well, suppose it has — what then] ' What yer goin' 
to do about it V as says the young rascal that ' kills for Keyser.' 
Ay, what can you do with the matter I Why, let it rest. Thi? 
stirring up the carrion of former ills, old disappointments and by- 
gone vexations, is severe upon the nostrils of Memory, and of no 
more use than digging for diamonds in a dunghill. 

My dear frieuas : if the Past presents but a melancholy picture 
to behold, turn your backs upon it — right-about face, and look to 
the Present ; and make sure that it shall never wantonly betray 
your confidence. Be half careful, half careless: too much care 
may kill a cat; and extreme carelessness has broken many a man's 
neck, besides the hearts of thousands. 1 will tell ycu how to make 
ihe Present comfortable — and hold out good : 

Keep cool; be busy; clarify your conscience, and exhibit a 
clean shirt. 

God has given you reason to coptrol your passions; therefore, 
hold in 3'our passions, and let thein trot, or they may run away 
with your reason ; and then you sink yourselves to a water level 
with the brute. 

The wisest and best of men sometimes commit errors ; but rec- 
tify them as soon as they are recognized, and the devil will let 
you off. 

Always enact a noble part ; for man, being the noblest concoc- 
tion of creation, he is expected to do it — otherwise he may expect 
a few kicks for his obstreperousness. 

Be (^haritable — to yourselves first, and your poor neighbor after 
w?rds : but, when you do a deed of charity, stick vour left hano 
»n }cjui- coat pocket, in order that il may nut ^e^' wLai tiie ri[,hl 
aund IS u]) to 



34 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

1 needn't warn you against committing bad actions; toi your 
inherent fear of shame, and the love of approbation, are sufficient 
to curb you. 0, no ! you wouldn't do anything wrong for half 
of heaven, and the whole of California ! 

Implant such seeds and golden principles as will be likely to 
take the quickest ana ueepest root; but, if you haul out a hand- 
tul of the ' yellow boys,' and say, ' Them's my principles, I ad 
rise you not to plant them at all — salt them down for the future. 

In your undertakings, be wise. Recollect it is easier to build 
*i«ro cnimneys than to maintain one. 

Be viituous, by all means. Virtue confers the greatest dignity 
iL man, and trives him a push along the path of prosperity. 

Never esteem yourselves wise — fools only do that. 

To g»'n wisdom, choose the middle station of life. Poverty 
worri*^ your thoughts concerning your wants ; and riches bother 
»ou concerning the enjoyment of their superfluities. 

Don't seek constant repose ; for you will soon get tired of hav- 
mg nothing to do. Doing nothing, by the month, is the hardest 
kind of work, and the poorest of pay. 

Stick to your friends — forsake them, and you are entitled to no 
confidence. If you devour them, cherish, at least, their memory 
But I know how it is : the bread that has been eaten is soon for- 
gotten. 

Improve all present opportunities ; yet I am fully persuaded that 
two-thirds of you are too lazy to take advantage of them. Find, 
then, no fault with the Present ; but rather tie yourselves up, and 
put on the cowhide, without fear, favor, or friendship. 

While you feed the body, give a little fodder to the mind ; and 
BO nourish the activity of your thoughts, as well as cater to the 
capricious wants of the stomach. 

Now, my friends, by paying a proper observance to these whole- 
some precepts, your present prospects will, in all probability, keep 
as bright as the untarnishable sun itself; but if adventitious cir- 
cumstances should operate against you, in spite of all — should 
sorrowful accidents happen, as they sometimes will ' in thp best- 
regulaled families' — and you can't get forward much faster than 
you slip back — spunk up. Determine that the Future shall more 
than make up tor all disappointments and delinquencies; put youi 
«hoiLlder to the wheel — "push along, keep m< v,ng" — cease grum* 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 35 

Ming — take the world easy — and I will bet that chew oi tobacco 

against the contents of my luckiest contribution-box that you will 
come off ' all hunk ' in the end. So mote it be! 



WHAT IS TRUE. 

Text. — Man of wisdom ! man of years ! 
Tell, oh, tell us what is true! 

My Hearers : I don't pretend to be a man possessed of more than 
a moderate share of wisdom — about as much as an owl that .'ikhtly 
asks ' Who's who V and pauses in vain, during the day, tor a re- 
ply ; nor one who can boast of as many years as an Adam, a 
Noah, or a Methuselah : yet I can tell you what is true about 
some things as well as others. 

It is true that Eighteen Forty-Seven died a day agone. and we 
shall never behold his face again. Since he died of old age and 
exposure to the rude inclemencies of winter, perhaps he might be 
more properly called Eighteen Hundred and Froze-to-death. How 
ever, since he is gone, to return no more, let us sing ' Lord bless 
him, let him go !' and rejoice that the child born unto us, and 
christened Eighteen Forty-Eight, is full of hope and promise to 
millions; albeit to some it brings dark doubts, evil bod.ngs, and 
awful fears. But cheer up, ye disconsolate on-es ! When you 
".ome to see the infant year lifting up its little hands from ihe green 
velvet-lined cradle of Spring, holding violets, cowslips and dallb- 
dils, and smiling like a cherub amid the budding bowers of Eden 
— then you will find fresh flowerets of hope and joy starting from 
ycur half-sterile hearts, and feel like a jaybird indulging unmolest- 
ed at a corn-rack. Yes, brethren, with these new and joyous im- 
pulses awakened in your bosoms, you will find it difficult to pre- 
vent exclaiming, as I did when T took my first favorite kiss: 'Cut 
my straps, and let me go to glory !' 

It is true, my friends, that, to prosper in this world, you musl 
work — be indusVrious — keep moving, like a deputy christian dis- 
tributing tracts. 

it is true that cheerfulness is a promoter of health. Hart davs 
*re biiund o ini«;rven« between us and the tomb ; thereiure, evtry 



66 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

man should carry a small boule of sunsbiii'^ under his shni- 
bosom. 

It is true that women make more false motions in amatoiy mat- 
ters, or pretend to love when they do not, than men ; and yet, when 
a woman's affections are once fairly fastened upon a fellow, they 
stick and hang, like a tick to a sheep. Nevertheless, foreign ex- 
perience says, it is comfortable, if not delightful, to repose upon 
the soft down of woman's love. 

It is true that flatterers bespatter one another with praise, to their 
own detriment — and to my astonishment. They let words out at 
interest, and receive words and ridicule in return. 

It is true that idleness is the parent of many vices; but who 
shall say that ill-directed industry is not the mother of equally as 
many ? However, I suppose we must obey the injunction 'What 
ever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might' — even thougn 
it maketh ready to ' knock a nigger down.' 

It is true that time, tide, steamboats and soda water will wait for 
ao man. Therefore, it behooves us mortals to be always on the 
lockout, and to take timely advantage of every favoiable oppor- 
tunity. 

It is true that, let us do our best, we are always wedged in be- 
tween yesterday and to-morrow. Ho-hum I — it is always dull to- 
day with mortal man. 

It is true that there are two kinds of patriotism — one is urging, 
the other restraining. There may be good patriotism in declining 
to GO to war in another country; but refusing to tight when v.ai 
COMES into one's country, is poor patriotism indeed. ' There ai^it 
no hair on't.' 

It is true that posthumous fame is like a toad : it might be a 
pretty bird if it only had feathera. 'Who hath honor? He that 
died a Wednesday. Doth he feel it V Not a feel ! 

It IS true that big feet are more for use than ornament, like a 
leather shirt. 

It is true that ministers of the gospel don't practise half what 
they preach — on an average. Some of them, though, preacii no- 
thing but hell, and they practise 'nothing else.' 

It is true that I give good advice, and ask no questions. I thro-;? 
Jough to my chickens — if the chickens like it, let them eat it wi^M 
\v."« tirst a.'iking me why I uun"t eat it myself. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 37 

It is true that every dog has his day ; but it isn't true tha» every 
Day has his dog 

It is true that every girl, no sooner than she is fourteen, wants 
to get married. It is in accordance with a 'mysterious law of 
natur'.' 

It is true that nothing is gained by cheating ; because a success- 
ful cheat is sure to lead on to disastrous consequences — at last. 

It is true that a 'swell' is neither a lady nor a gentleman; but 
a hermaphrodite, between high and low breeding. 

It is true that there is no truth in two-thirds of the lies that are 
sent abroad, through envy, jealousy, spite, and malice. 

My friends: 1 could tell two thousand five hundred things more 
that are true, but they wouldn't add an iota to your already well- 
tilled stock of information. Suihce it to say, that you have ali 
got to die, one of these odd days. Make u;^ your minds to meet 
Death with a smile — give him a hearty shake of the hand — say 
* How are ye, old fellow V — and tnke a pleasant ramble with him 
upon the outskirts of a mundane existence. So mote it be ' 



FEMININE BEAUTY. 



Text. — A beauty ripe as harvest, 

AVhose skin is whiter than a swan all over, 
Than silver, snow, or lilies! A soft lip 
Would tempt you to eternity of kissing, 
And flesh that melteth in the touch to idood: 
Bright as your gold, and lovely as your gold. 

My Hearers: I have a warm subject for hot weather; howevci 
I shall endeavor to treat it with coolness, calmness, and delibera- 
tion. — Everything should be taken cool, except hot tea and a 
warm bath. Put to my text : ' A beauty ripe as harvest.' — That's 
your sort. We care not a counterfeit copper for your green beau- 
ties- mere buds, that may, and may not, open to a beautiful iir.w- 
er. Nor for fading, decaying, decayed and blasted beauties. They 
can get no hold upon our sensibilities — can no more arouse our 
dormant passions than rum poured into a rat-hole. We war.t 
something ripe, rich and rare — luscious and in full bloom. 1 mean 
-hat you do — not I. For my part, I am contented with the jiain 
oeef and cabbag» ol the world. 



88 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

My friends : our ext speaks of one 'whose skin is whiter than 
n swat-, ail over.' We all ac'mire whiteness, because it is an ein- 
o!em of purity ; but it should make no difference as to what color 
the skin is, so long as the soul is of a iz'w complexion. A black 
ch.aracter contained in a snowy carcase, reminds .ne as forcibly as 
a k.ck of a ' whited sepul hre ;' but a white reputation encased in 
a daik skin shows to excellent advantage. It is like a bright, 
bean.ing star glistening through the crevice of a thunder-cloud— 
borrowing brightness and beauty from the surrounding gloom. 
This is moralizing, mind ye. But, to please the grosser appetite 
— to humor our carnal fancies — we go in for an alabaster cuticle : 
the whiter the better, provided chalk can enter no claims for cre- 
dit in the score. Oh ! a feminine skin, whiter than silver, than 
snow, than lilies, is moving to masculine flesh and feelings! It 
makes man forget his divine portion, and all his ideas are engross- 
ed in the human. Then, when we see a soft and lovely blending 
of the rose with the lily, upon the cheek of angelic woman, how 
inconceivable are the rapturous sensations experienced by whis- 
kers and moustaches ! and how unbounded the praises that weak 
and erring human nature would fain bestow! 

My hearers: the next part of my text mentions a soft lip, that 
might 'tempt you to an eternity of kissing.' Now, generally 
speaking, you should take heed lest you fall into temptation, oi 
into a mud gutter; but I never could see any harm in indulging iii 
labial exercise to the utmost extent of mutual desire — esperjally 
when there is a soft ruby lip moistened by the pure juice of love, 
and a breath untainted by onions. As to the 'eternity of kissing,' 
I should say it were rather too much of a good thing. The sweet- 
est of pleasures soon cloy. In my humble opinion, the better way 
is, after getting about half-satislied, to hold off for a time; and 
then go at it again, w^ith renewed vigor, industry and appetite 
' And flesh that melteth in the touch to blood.' — It bath bofn said 
ot old that all /lesh is grass — but it is not always quite so green ! 
There is a great deal of the yellow sore extant at present. As re- 
gards softness, give me that which is plump, and enough of it ; 
and il matters not to me whether it is hard as a brickbat or soft as 
a pu Iding-bag. As for il-s ' me.lting in the touch to blood,' I don't 
?are a tinkei's bl&ssing, so long as there is a little left to fondly 
tnerish ; ja\ even should it wholly dissolve, it were heaven enougb 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. - X& 

rnr me to lap up tLe precious syrup, like a kitten would spih mi Ik 
(roin the kitchen hearthstone. If a sweet colored wench, tiiousrh. 
»^-ere to melt into molasses, you should all have a chance i'oi a 
hck as well as myself. ' Bright as your gold, and lovely as youi 
^old.' That sounds well — it has exactly the right chink. A vir- 
tuous woman is a jewel to society, and a crown to man. Moic 
than a crown — a ten-dollar gold piece at least. Ay, more than 
that : the world would not lose her for the wealth of all the worlds. 
And what were woman without man '? A useless, though beauti- 
ful ornament in a dreary wilderness. Since the sexes were made 
for each other, let them love one another ; and the more steam they 
put on dunng the operation, the more pleasing it is in the eyes of 
Heaven, and the more interesting is the spectacle exhibited to the 
sight of mortals upon earth. So mote it be ! 



TREASURES FROM BOOKS. 



Text. — Wealth may flee, and friends deceive us, 
Love may change his sunny looks: 
But those treasures never leave us, 
Which we garner in from books. 

My Hearers : do you all know how to read 1 If you don't, I 
pour you out sympathy by pailsful, and, at the same time, leel dis- 
posed to cast a brickbat of censure at your heads — if I could get 
hold of one. You should have a large portion of my pity for 
your unfortunate ignorant condition, and a big junk of my blame 
for being so arrogant as to despise an acquaintance with the little 
A-B ab-zes, the i-b zes, the o-b zes, and all the ampersands-zes — 
to say nothing of those still smaller characters called commas, se- 
micolons, colons, periods, and so forth. It hath been written. 
'Despise not the day of small things;' neither should you despise 
those apparently-little insignificances, which are capable of form- 
ing such a beautiful, grand and imposing architecture of thouglit 
?s i happen to know is potential with their natures. A nation is 
co!uposed of multitudes of individuals — the Tower of Babel con- 
fiisuvd of an 'immense number' of bricks — the vast pyramids con- 
tain pieces of stone beyond mortal reckoning — and the whole uni- 
verse itself is maae up of an infinity ol paltry particles : but more 



40 SHORT PATENT SERMONS 

wonderful than all these is the sublime monument that some twen- 
ty-six silly-looking alphabetical characters have rendered assist- 
ance in rearing. Make yourselves well acquainted wiih liie use 
of these little materials, and verily you shall not look for employ- 
ment so long as life lasteth. 

j\Iy friends : our text says ' Wealth may flee, and friends forsake 
us.' Yes, riches seem to be furnished with pinions prematurely 
plumed. As soon as they are hatched, they are ready to fly ; and 
if you don't cage them closely, they are gone for ever. ' Frien':* 
may forsake us.' Ay, that's true, too ; but it is not owing to ary 
wilful neglect, or desire to forsake ; for true friends can never par'. 
60 long as there is a telegraphic communication between soul and 
soul, however remote the distance. It is owing, brethren, to the 
mutability of human afliiirs — to the unavoidable change of circum- 
stances. The world revolves; and so long as it shall continue to 
revolve, we shall be shaken up, displaced and scattered, like the 
children of Israel, when they undertook to ride the elephant out 
of the woods into Egypt. 'Love also may change his sunny 
looks.' So he may : his countenance is as susceptible of change 
OS an April sky : and he is but short-lived at the longest. Oh! 

' Love is pretty, 
Love is witty. 
Love is charming whilst it's newj 
But it soon grows old. 
And waxes cold, 
And fades away like the morning dew.' 

And fto it is, and so it does — I mean that ephemeral, phosphores- 
cent love, which takes fire from the putridness of the grosser })as- 
sions, even as jack-o'-lanterns arise from the decayed and .stinkins 
carcases of frogs and meadow turtles. But there is another soit 
of love, my friends, which Eternity itself cant tire out. It is that 
kind of love which for ever exists among the saints aiid angels of 
heaven, and of which I may speak more particularly hereafter. 

Dear brethren : when 1 was a little boy, and wore a little chpv.v 
Bpron, and could first read the little primer with a blueish covci. 
grandmother assured me that 

When land is gone and money spent, 
Then larning is most ex-cel-LENT; 
and I have since ascertained, to my unbounded joy and satisidc 
Uoa, that a ' little larning ' is not half so dangerous a thing as £r.y 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 41 

friend Pope took the trouble to imagine. Would that T j^os^esscd 
more of the article. As bees gather honey from flowers, so mav 
you extract the sweets of knowledge from books — sweets tl.al 
shall afTorJ both solace and sustenance to the soul in the winter oi 
age, when the friends of former days are few — when the fires of 
youthful love are extii guished, and life's greasy candle is aboiii fo 
sputter in the socket From books you can gather trpasun s of 
which none can rob } ou ; and then you may well say, with ilip 
poet, 'Precious treasure, thou art mine!' I know all about nooks 
hke a book : and now let me tell you, if you read for instruction, 
read that good old book (now almost obsolete with the mass) call- 
ed the Bible : it tells you how to keep clear of the snags of th s 
world better than I can. That is the Book of all books. Read i» 
— an'' when you can so read as to thoroughly understand it, you 
may stop sawing wood, carrying the hod, and peddling clams. an4 
take to preaching — the same as 1 have done. So mote il be 1 



FOREWARNINGS GHOSTS. 



Text. — The lady of Ellerslee wept for her Lord; 

A death-watch had beat in her lonely room 
Her curtain had shook of its own accord, 
And the Raven had flapped at her window-board, 
■ To tell of her warrior's doom 

look for ghosts ; but none will force 
The way to me ; — 'tis falsely said 
That there was ever intercourse 
Between the living and the dead. 

My Hearers: Death comes but once; but that once is a clinv-Jic:-' 
as some lady has said of yore. True — when he does come, tliere 
is no release from his jjrapple. He comes like a thief in the n glii : 
he springs upon his victim like a cat upon a mouse; but * ol thai 
day and that hour, kncwelh no one.' He never sends a warning 
of his approach through ;i howling dog, a crowing hen, m crock- 
ing raven, or a ticking insect : for dogs would howl, hens sometime.^ 
crow, rivens croak, and boding insects tick, were there no svch 
thing as death in the world. All sights, sounds, signs, and oiWi 



12 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

imaginary fouTunners, are as liable to fall as the majority of a 
multitude of hopes. When they fall, they are consigned to the 
tomb of forgetfulness ; but, when one happens to act as a co-in- 
cident, it gets the credit of being a forewarner, and is remember- 
ed by all the 'believing' old foo-foos in town. Said a lad to his 
maternal guardian, ' Mother, I am going to die ! I know I shall 
die— because my trousers is burst !' Now, my hearers, had that 
boy slipped his wind by any other means, within a week or month 
afterwards, the exploded pantaloons would have been looked upon 
as a wonderful pair of premonitors. But the lad lived, and the 
trousers lost posthumous fame. 

My friends : many of you are so nervously-minded, and such 
firm believers in fore warnings, that you are haunted with a regi- 
ment of them, till life at last leaks out of your fear-shattered bo- 
dies. Bear in mind, it is not these that announce the approach of 
the grim monster, (or they are years about it,) but they frighten 
you at last into his icy embrace, by your imagining that 'they 
continually do cry ' ' He's coming !' And so they do cry — if you 
imao-ine it — even up to the moment that the soul vacates its shackly 
tenement of cky. Why, my friends, somebody or other is always 
bidding good-bye to the world about the time that hens crow, 
because there is no rooster to crow for them — when dogs sit upon 
the door-step, and howl at the moon in a melancholy mood — when 
death-watches tick in the wainscot for merriment, as the crickets 
ging — when the lone mourning dove coos for her mate in the elm 
tree at the window — when the whippoorwill sings in his sleep in 
the day-time — when apple-trees and window-curtains shake of 
their own accord ; yes, brethren, I repeat, that when these uncom- 
mon sounds and sights are heard and seen, somebody is about to 
receive a death-rap upon the knuckles to make him let go his grasp 
upon the world ; and, of course, fools will have it that they were 
the solemn presages of his departure. Pshaw ! I hardly know 
whether to pity or contemn those silly scrags who 

See Death in clouds, and hear him in the wind. 
So I will give them a little of both — a particle of pity and a por- 
tion of contempt. W^ell do I remember — young as 1 was — that, 
when the Northern Lights were first seen, how the bristles rose 
upon the back of Terror — how consternation sei/fl the whole 
we rid by ihe hair — and how even Piety, Faith aiiU Virtue shook 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 43 

in tlieir shoes for fear. Everyr-ody said something unusual was 
going to happen ; and what they «aid was true just two weeks, to 
a day, afterwards, one Ebenezer Essencepedler, who had not the 
satisfaction of witnessing the phenomenon, choked himself to 
death in endeavoring to swallow the smallest account of it ! 

My dear friends : do you believe in ghosts ? If so, you will be 
honored with the presence of just as many as you would wish o 
accompany you in your perambulations about this mystical sphere. 
' Seek, and ye shall find,' reads a passage of scripture ; and I know 
01 nothing to which it can better apply than to ghosts. But it de- 
pends altogether upon the spirit of mind in which you seek them. 
a you hunt them for the fun and the sport of the thing, you wall 
find them scarcer than woodcock in winter; but look for them 
with tremulous agitation, (after dark, mind ye — ghosts never stalk 
in daylight,) each bush, icck, stump, and corner of a fence, will 
produce enough to freeze the w^arm blood in your bodies in the 
shaking of a table-cloth. Yet these are but the ghosts of your 
own fancies, my brethren. Whenever you discover one of them, 
walk boldly up to it — otfer to shake hands with it — say How d'yo 
do ? what's the news from your place ? — and if you don't go back 
satisfied that there was more reality in the ' critter ' than you 
ever imagined, and that you had made superfine fools of your- 
selves, you may stop my little supply of happiness here, and cut 
oti' my only hope of a heaven hereafter. I tell you — and you'd 
belter believe it — that there is no intercourse, in any way, manner 
or shape, between the living and the dead. There is a wide gulf 
that separates them, across which there is no communicating— not 
even by the lightning telegriph. 

Tliose mysterious knockings at Rochester, my hearers, are not 
produced by visitors from the land of spirits. They are, in my 
opinion, nothing more nor less than Canada knocking at the door 
of the Union for admission. But this is a world of knocks and 
knockings. We knock about, knock down, and knock up, in it. 
There is one knock, however, to which we must all knock under, 
at la.-i — that is Death's knock at the door of the heart. That rap 
of his cannot be mistaken ; therefore, when he tanks, be prepare J 
to budge without a murmur. So mote i< be! 



44 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

NIGHT : ITS INFLUENCE ON THE PASSIONS. 

Text. — Oh, Hy with me! 'tis passion's hour; 
The woill is gone to sleep ; 
And nothin;^ wakes in brake or bower 

Bui those vvlio love and weep: 
This is the golden time and weather, 
When songs and sighs go out together, 
And minstrels pledge the rosy wine 
To lutes like this, and lips like thine! 

Mr Hearers : although night furnishes food for melanchoiV, it 
also brings with it fodder for fancy. Have you not, many a time 
and oft, sat and chawed the end of imagination, upon a warm 
summers evening, when the moonbeams danced on the waters, 
slept on the bank, quicksilvered the trees, and cut various other 
romantic carlicues, not absolutely necessary to be mentioned ] 1 
Know you have: and have you not felt, at passion's witching 
hour, sensations, remarkable — unaccountable — such as ne/er lay 
in the power of daylight to produce T Whence they come, or wh^l 
the cause, is more than I, or any other philosopher, can determine 
to a certainty; but we all should know that moonshine possesses 
a vast power over mankind at large, and young lovers specially. 

My friendg : the author of our text, it seems, would wish some- 
body to fly with him, ' on such a night,' when ' the moon made 
everything as light as a co:k.' There can be no reasonable doubt 
in the world that he felt inclined to fly; but the question is, could 
he carry out (up) his wishes I My humble opinion is, that if he 
undertook it, he would succeed just about as well as the nigger 
did who unperched himself from an apple tree with a coujde of 
goose's wings in his paws. It being j)assion's hour, the pinions 
of one's spirit plume themselves for an extensive flight, which is 
accomplished, generally, in a liiiie less than three-quarters of a 
thought ; but when the pro;riet.>r of our text asks another to fly 
with him, the only conclusion tiial I can draw, or pull out, is, that 
ne IS endeavoring to come a gam^ — and yet one in which theie is 
a poor Look for success on his i-^rt. 

Mvdear friends: the next portion of our text speaks of the 
world having gone to sleep. Yes, the world has gone to sleep — 
with one eye; the other is wide open. The eye that looks out 
from China i^^ always wide awake, while the American optic is 
ioundly wialea with the soporiiic preparation of Soinnus. Oiu 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS, 45 

tw- hemispheres can never be a'loweJ to slejp both at oner— -one 
musi be on ihe watch while the other enjoys its let-f, but I will 
leavo Nature to look after these things: she is one of those st.aight- 
up-ani-down old women that sees everything is correct, withoul 
making the slight st fuss. 

Our text inlorms us, too, my friends, that nothing is awake in 
'brake or bower, but those who love and weep.' I know v^ry 
we J that bats and owls are about, at these tinres, and have their 
eyes wide open ; but whether they love and weep, or love wiih- 
out weeping, is a question that remains to be decided Ly somebody 
who pretends to know more than he can well maniige. The in- 
ventor of the text to my presejit discouise also aumiis us into tha 
idea that a moonlight n.ght is a 'golden t;me.' It las somewhai 
of a silvery look, we all know ; but, as for a golden ajipc^aiance, 
it is neither cast here, nor sl.-ed there; yet, 'the poets eye, in 
line frenzy rolling,' sometimes discovers that which we, plain prose 
mortals, possess not the faculty to see — and we are just as well 
ott" as though we were favored with the privilege 

My hearers : night is- indeed the time ' when songs and sighs go 
out together.' No sooner has the sun put on his red cap and gone 
to bed, than a mysterious influence is felt in the human bosom 
which no one understands, and for which none pretends to account. 
The brain gives itself up to reflection — the sweet waters of the 
soul spoul forth from the fountain of love and sympathy — a rich 
cream rises upon the milk of human kindness; and, in spite of 
ourselves, we iael inclinetl towards charity, mercy, benevolence 
and love. We hardly know whether it were better to sing or sigh 
— so we do a little of both. We sing to 'drive dull care away,' 
and sigh to think that our singing is but of little avail. But this 
nocturnal sighing is, most generally, in consequence of wounds 
^mrticted by the arrows of that little curly-headed rascal, Cupid. 
Brethren, beware of him I — also of moonshine ^nd an evenins; at- 
mosphere. So mote it be ! 



CN MAKING AN EFFORT. 



Text. —If bad be your prospects, don't sit still and cr^, 
Bui jump up and say to yourself — ' i will try.' 

My Hearers : the above text-^as the man said of his hddle — wa» 



46 SHORT PAT£NT SERMONS. 

made out of my own head. Perhaps he and I are wooden-headed 
cotemporaries ; but whether he be dead or alive — whether the sap 
still circulates in his wooden caput or not, is nothing to me; no 
jealousy shall exist, on my part, as to who has produced the bet- 
ter article — I acknowledge mine bad, and know that his could not 
have been much better. Nevertheless, I intend the text (and the 
sermon as well) shall go down, w^ithout the aid of an onion or in- 
genious eloquence. It is as homely as the toad that has a jewel 
in his head, and everyway forbidding in make as the chesnut bun 
which contains as sweet and wholesome a nut as Nature ever 
knew how to manufacture. Yes, friends, in this rough text of 
mine is to be found any quantity of the seeds of wisdom and in- 
struction ; hut, if you don't shell them out for yourselves, some- 
body else will take them, or they will remain upon the parent tree 
till dropped by the frosts to be rotted upon the ground. 

My friends : you don't know what you can do till you try. 
Make a decided etfort; and, like a young robin, when first sent 
from its nest, you will accomplish a great deal more than you ever 
exi)ected. Don't sit crying and chirping, like said juvenile fledg- 
ling, but make a styrt for some high tree of pop(u)larity, and you 
will fly over more hedges, bushes, ditches and swamps than you 
would possibly have dreamed of at the outset. Now, in my case : 
some years ago my ambitious spirit took wing for the highest pin- 
nacle upon the temple of Fame. Though I didn't reach the de- 
sired elevation, you find me here, perched in a pulpit — and that is 
better than accomplishing nothing! which I certainly siiould have 
effected had I not made a squat, given a hop, spread my wings, 
and flapped away, like a sea-^uli in the face of a northeaster. 
Aspire, my young brethren, to be the president of a college, and 1 
will warrant that you shall, at least, be qualified for the guidance 
and command of a country school, where you will be 

The monarch of all, great and small — 
Your right none shall dare to dispute ; 

From the centre all round to the wall. 
You'll be lord of the fool and the brute. 

My dear friends : when your prospects are beclouded, and Ihe 
Future looks as gloomy as a goose pasture in August, don't sit 
'lo^vn and allow dread despondency to take entire possession oj 
vour sp i•il^. NVvtr come to the conclusion tha you possess no? 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 47 

tbe power to do this or that, but rouse up and say 'I'll try. 
WiTh the steam of perseverance and a decided determination, you 
will work wonders — perhaps to your own utter astonishment, 
riace confidence in yourselves — have faith like a grain of mu'^tard 
seed; and, if you don't actually remove mountains, you will de 
molish molehills, which seemed like mcuntains in your way. Off 
with your coats, ye lazy, mouldy, mildewed, moth-eaten sons of 
sioth, and try to do something. Spit upon your hands — lay hol<? 
of the rope of Faith — let Hope give you a boost — and you wiL 
climb farther up towards honorable distinction, prosperity, happi- 
ness and heaven, by many hundreds of feet, than you could ever 
get by crying for help from your selfish brother mortals. Remem- 
ber that Hercules will never assist those who do not try to help 
themselves. Not a bit of it. He is not quite so green. 

My hearers : he that seeketh shall find, as has been written of 
old ; and he that trieth shall accomplish more than was ever 
dreamed of in his philosophy, as ought to have been written years 
ago, when Moses and Aaron were schoolmates. If there is any- 
body in this non-understandable world that deserves whipping up 
and made to do, it is he who throws himself flat upon his back at 
every slight unfavorable turn of the wind and tide of fortune, and 
whines ' I can't.' Oh, for a lash, to make such fellows jump 
higher than sturgeons on the North River. Let this be your mot- 
to : ' Whatever man has done, man may do.' Place your goal as 
far ahead as you can see with a forty-double-and-twisted-powei 
telescope — keep pulling for it, like a camel for water over the 
sandy deserts of Arabia ; and, my word for it, you shall have Xha 
(satisfaction of knowing, in the end, that if you haven't got all 
that you wanted, you have attained more than you could hav«» 
rea.«5onably expected. So mote it be! 



THE value of learning. 



Text. — When land is gone, and money spent, 
Then learning is most excellent. 

My Hkarers: you might infrj -^erhaps, from ihe tenor oi our 
text, that land moves off— cuis its ^ti k— absquatulates; but it is 



48 shokT patent sermons. 

no such thing, There may happen occasionally a liltle slide of a 
sanJ-bank ; oi the linking: of an island : or land may be inundaied 
by a ilooJ: yet it never goes far. It is you who, by indiscretion, 
txtiiivagance, or mi.si'orlune are compelled to leave your lands— 
not your lands you. They ara exactly, generally speaking, where 
llu-y were, and there will they ever remain; and still you have the 
effrontery to say they are gone, have left you, ' without just cause 
or provocation !' As well might Adam and Eve have said, when 
kicked out of Eden, that Paradise had left them for no fault of 
theirs. O, 3 e silly boobies! know ye that you may inherit land; 
but, to keep it, you niu&t be as industrious as ants, and vigilaiit as 
loosters. 

My hearers : money is moving stufT, hard to hold. It slips from 
belween the thumb and finger like a walermelon-seed — travels 
without legs, and Hies without wings. Strive your best to hold 
fast to the fi.thy lucre. Though it be called 'the root of all evil,' 
clin^ to it, and it will prove a faithful friend in the time of need. 
No matter how honest, how righteous, or how pious a man may 
be, if he lack the 'one thing needful,' he will be shunned as though 
he were infected with the sm.-<ll-pox. Do, brethren, endeavor to 
have a few pennies in your pockets, at all times, over and above 
your honest debts, for the sake of your own dear selves : and, for 
the sake of mine, put as much as you can possibly aflbrd in the 
hat every Sunday. I won't mind if you contribute a liltle more 
than your circumstances will permit; but I advise you not to do it. 
I le!l you of a truthful proverb : 'Money makes the mare go,' and 
the preacher, too; but look out for yourselve's first, and the preach- 
er afterwanls. Your administer of moral truths is of very liltle 
cci\sequence, unless you look out for A No. 1. Take care of your- 
«»elves. 

My hearers : after you have bidden good-bye to your land — 
when your bank bills are all wafted away, and your dollars hav« 
11 rolled for ever from your sight — what could you do then vvitn- 
oul a little learning — a. small amount of education, just enough to 
6\vear by? I suppose you would .say, now, I will spirali/e my 
way lo Catifornia, that heavenly land of Ophir, where Solomon 
obtained the nnirvellous amount of gold reijuired to build his won- 
ijions temple —where the virgin article clings to rocks in huge 
n;aofli-'..-, ,r be knocked onl by a sioJge-hammer — wiiere ii roUf 



fHORT PATENT SERMONS, 49 

down the hills in lumj)s as much larger than pieces of chalk, as 
tragrnents of chalk are larger than crumbs of cheese — where the 
rivulets, insteaJ of running over vulgar pebbles, are paved with 
pearls, rubies, sapphires and emeralds. Yes, I know you would 
say, I will forthwith proceed to 'the land of Ophir,' and there 
make a fortune at a jump. But, brethren, I am inclined to believe 
that this land is the Paradise mentioned in the second chapter of 
Genesis, where it reads : 

10. And a river went out of Eden to water the garden : and 
irom thence it was parted, and became into four heads. 

11 The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compass- 
eth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. 

12. And the gold of that land is good : there is bdellium and 
onyx-slone. 

But bear in mind, brethren, that although the gold of that land 
was good, it proved to be of no earthly use to our first parents. 
They were compelled, after all, to work for a living ; and so nil 
of you are so crazy-set for this new El Dorado will find, eveutu 
ally, that you must dig for potatoes as well as for gold. 

My hearers : dig in the mines of wisdom and knowledge. There 
treasures lie buried beyond the comprehension of all common mor- 
tals. Dig diligently, constantly and perseveringly, and you will 
discover more gold, pearls and diamonds than of which there is 
promised in scripture. A little karning is better than gold, at 
limes. Get that, and you acquire much — without it, you are 
doomed and damned. But, friends, take hold of the plough — ap- 
ply the spade — do anything rather than dig gold in California. 
Get wiedom, as I have said before — get that, and you are safe. 
So mote it be ! 



TIME, TIDE AND THE PRINTING PRESS. 

Text — That Time and Tide, and eke the Printing Press, 
For no man wait, most truly has been said. 

Mr Hearers: the world keeps moving, and we are compelled to 
move with it, despite our most desperate inclinations to wait a bit. 
Time takes us along with the rap dity of a locomotive upon afl 
4 



50 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

eastern railroad. There is no such thing as pa'?s.-ig by the way 
side — no allowing us a few minutes to admire scenery, pick cher- 
ries, or to gather gooseberries as we journey. No — the wheels of 
Time are ever in motion. Rapidly, 0, rapidly, do we onward glide 
through the ever- varying scenes of life ! The Past soon becomes 
enveloped in the blue mists of partial oblivion — the Present quick- 
ly dissolves and melts i-sto the Past — and the Future is every mo- 
ment being tjansformed into the Present. That Time waits for nc 
man. or woman either, you all should know. This s^vift- winged 
messenger of Death speeds upon his hasty errand, without regard 
to the wants, needs, or necessities of mankind. Upon its rapid 
car, v.'ith what astonishing velocity is Infancy borne, over Dream- 
hood, to the blooming paradise of Youth ! — from Youth to the 
green territory of Manhood ! — from Manhood to the barren, but 
not altogether blossomless, region of Age ! — and, from Age to thai 
country about which you nor I, my brethren, can know nothing 
for a certainty until we are transported thither to see and judge 
for ourselves ! You will all soon reach the goal, or rather the 
place of embarkation for another and, I trust, a happier world : 
but don't be too sure of its being a happier one — it may, perhap.s, 
turn out like Patrick's slaughtered pig — not so good as he expect- 
ed, and he always thought so. Therefore, prepare yourselves to 
make it good unto you. Cease swearing; stop cheating; renounce 
hypocrisy ; restrain evil passions ; discard the devil ; say your 
prayers ; do as much good as you can ; love everybody — youi 
enemies included — and the fair sex in particular. By so doing, 
Time will take you smoothly and gently over the rough, cordutoy 
road that leads to the grave, and you will entertain no fears of an 
awful Future — no more than I apprehend a ten sixpence being 
found in the contribution-box, which will shortly be passed about 
My friends : who can stay the Tide that ebbs and flows as regu 
iai'ly as the pendulum that swings 1 or say unto it, with any ef- 
fect, ' Thus far shalt thou come, and no farther — and be darned to 
ye V No one. Tides are moved by the moon, and the help of 
the Almighty; and, allow me to ask you, can you swerve the 
rwurse of Nature 1 Not a jot. When the tid? is ready to ebb, it 
WILL recede, without reference to the launching of a ship, or the 
setting sailing of a schooner. Consequently, you must take the 
opportunity of a favorable tide, and never expect that the t de is 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 51 

to wait a momeiit for you ; because, if you do, you are sure to be 
ieft behind, like l late passenger of a steamboat. As my friend 
Siiakspere says, 'There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken 
at the lIooJ, JeaJs on to fortune.' We know this very welJ ; but 
how many are there of you, my brethren, who get a little too late 
for the flood, and are, therefore, obliged to fish upon the ebb ! The 
consequence is, that you catch nothing but toad-fish, gudgeons, 
and all such worthless trash; whereas, had you thrown your hook 
Dut while the young flood of fortune was setting in, you might 
have caught more gold and silver fishes than you would well know 
how to keep, or how of which to dispose. But if thou think, my 
dear friends, that the tide is going to wait for you, on any occa- 
sion, you are just about as much deceived as was the expiring 
drunkard, who declared that Death would not dirty his fingers with 
him in his present state, but wait till he was sober, and could meet 
him V.ke a gentleman. 

JMy dear friends : the Printing Press, as well as time and tiJe 
wait for no man. It is the distributor of intelligence to all, at 
home and ab;oad. Therefore, if you have any cjommunications to 
make, hurry them up, hot and hasty, like buckwheat cakes at any 
of our cheap eating-houses ; otherwise the small modicum of your 
vast knowledge which you are desirous of contributing to the 
world, may be left behind to moulder in oblivion. The Printing 
Press MUST move at its appointed time ; and I would have you all 
to know that the Sunday Mercury Press, which does me the 
honor of printing my sermons, is ever upon the move, and none 
can stop it. The Sunday Mercury is a paper conducted with ge- 
nius, talent, journeymen, and a clever apprentice. Subscribe to 
it, and I will subscribe to every rational requirement of yours, be- 
sides giving you a push towards temporal and everlasting happi- 
ness. So mote it be ! 



GREENNESS OF MORTAL FLESH. 



Text. — The rose is red — the violet's blue — 
The grass is green — and so are you. 

My Hearers: in Flora's beautiful empire, we find roses of every 
hue --from snowy white to the brightest damask — even as wp mo** 



52 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

tals vary in complexion from chalk to charcoal ; yet, when a rose 
piclured upon our mind, it is always painted red ; and, when we 
speak of man or woman, imagination presents us with a portrait 
comely and fair to behold. But the violet — whether cradled, and 
smiling, in some warm valley of the south, or crying upon a coli 
mountain top at the north — is for ever blue — blue as the uncloud- 
ed sky above it. Yes, it is always blue — 'blue as a razor' — 
though never intoxicated, except seemingly with delight. That 
grass is green, I need not tell you, no.twithstai)ding there are por- 
tions of the furze and fur of the animal called Eaiih thai wear a 
yellow, faded and dingy appearance. But why Nature puts green 
blood into grass, and red into beets, I leave you to find out the 
best way you can. 

My dear friends : with all your fancied whiteness and ripeness, 
you are as green as grass that grows in the shade — as veruant as 
leeks. You are but flesh ; and the Good Book says thai ah flesh 
's grass, to be lopped down, sooner or later, by that old man-mow- 
er. Time, who cuts a mighty big swath as he goes Methinks 1 
hear him now whetting his fatal scythe for some one in this con- 
gregation : — CLINK-CLANK, CLINK-CLANK ! Oh, how ominous the 
sound to an apprehensive ear ! Perhaps it is meant for you, old 
white Clover-head — for you, Air. Meadow-grass — or even for you, 
young Timothy! It makes no odds to Time; you are all grass, 
and green, no matter how old — and you will each alike make ac- 
ceptable fodder for Death. 

My friends : how green is youth ! What verdure crowns the 
head of a boy of eighteen ! The basement of his heart is carpet- 
ed with the lichens of innocence, while from its u])per story win- 
dows look out and laugh the opening flowers of self-imporlance 
and woildly ambition. Mark the country blade. He comes to 
this great city of sin, semi-godliness, seduction and roguery, to 
• see the sights.' He is as fresh as a toadstool, and full of sap as 
the maples of his own native Vermont. Like a silly fish, he bites 
at almost any alluring bait, unsuspectful of the barbed hook con- 
cealed within — listens to the song of the syren to his sorrow — al- 
'ows himself to be taken in and done for by pocketbook droi)pers, 
watch sluflers, mock auctioneers, and thimble riggers — and then 
gets home the best way he can ; there to relate the sad history of 
hiS 'wrongs' to the green grasshoppers around him, that nevei 



SHORT Latent sermons. 53 

hopped out of sight of the ancestral sheep-pen. Oh, adolescence ' 
thy greenness is refreshing to sore eyes; but hasten not to mature 
too rapii ly, lest thou becomest rotten ere thou ripenest. 

My brethren: you who call yourselves men, in the full prif.ie 
and vigor of life : you, who make it your boasts that you are too 
well acquainted with the traps and snares of the world to be caught 
'vith chaff— let me tell you that you often exhibit a verdancy that 
would do honor to the barefooted boy that throws 'horse-feet' to 
a couple of old hens on Barren Island; and it is all owing to a 
wicked cupidity — a mercenary ambition — the love of money. You 
stock-gamble — you barter — you risk your all upon the chances of 
a throw; and how often does it turn out that you, poor, simple — 
can I say unfortunate — devils are obliged to turn your faces home- 
ward without even two coppers in your pockets to jingle for pre- 
tension's sake. Full-grown greenhorns ! remember the fable of 
the dog and the shadow : how the greedy animal dropped his bone 
in the water to secure a mate to it, and then had to go home mi>:l's 
BONUS, as they say in Latin — mortified in feeling, and sheepish in 
looks. However, greenness is antediluvian: it is coeval wiih the 
world : it is in man's nature, and no chemical nor moral process 
has ever been discovered by which it can be wholly extracted. 
Was not mother Eve green when she allowed herself to be tempted 
by the old serpent to eat of a sour, bitter, wormy, good-for-nothing 
crab-apple, under the belief that it was as sweet and delicious a 
pippin as ever graced an orchard 1 And was not father Adam ra- 
ther verdant to place implicit confidence in a woman who had been 
deceived by the arch-enemy of mankind ? Most assuredly — as 
brother Temple would remark. 

My hearers : men not unfrequently arrive at a ' green old age.* 
Yes, they often reach the years of threescore and ten with all their 
greenness as fresh upon them as when they first started upon life's 
boisterous career. But it is not for me to blame. You are ju?t as 
Heaven has made you ; and far be it from me to undertake an im- 
provement upon what the hand Divine has moulded according to 
his will. I would not point that finger of scorn at you — which, 
by the way, has got a rag on it — for an interest in Backhempslead 
Lighthouse. All 1 hope of you is, that you will try so to conduct 
yourselves during your allotted time upon earth, that Old Nick 
shan't have it to say, at last, that he has more gieen monsters id 



54 SHORT FATCNT SERMONS 

his net than he knows how to dispose of, under any circumstauce- 
So Hiote il be ! 



FUTURE EVENTS. 



X^yr. — There's a fount about to streanr) 
There's a light about to beam, 
There's a warm about to glow, 
There's a flower about to blow. 

My Hearers : what the poet meant when he informs us that tliere 
is a fount about to stream, is more than I can tell for a certainty. 
It cannot be that he has reference to our Bowling Green fountain ; 
for v\hen that streams again, you may expect never-failing wateis 
to fiow from a pile of bricks by the sidewalk, or perpetual springs 
of charity to burst forth from the petrified heart of a miser. I 
suppose, however, he was about to have a set-to with some one. 
and that a crimson stream would soon be sure to flow, either from 
Lis antagonist's, or from his own beautiful proboscis. 

My friends : the author of our text further assures us tnat there 
IS a light about to beam. We all know that a right-hander plumply 
planted in one's peepers will cause the recipient to see stars : his 
brain will be brilliantly illuminated for a moment, and all his na- 
turally-quiet and well-behaved ideas will keep up a jolly row in 
the attic sanctum of the soul, till the stars that he saw are extin- 
guished in the effulgence of returning reason. Did your heads 
never come in sudden and violent contact, my friends, witb a hard- 
er substance, (say a soft-plastered wall,) and you saw all the pla- 
nets, the asteroids, the satellites, the constellations, the great bear, 
the little bear, the monkey and the elephant, in the twinkling of a 
Dootjack ] If so, then you may possibly understand the meaning 
of the second line of our text. 

My dear friends: when 3 ou commence a pugilistic encounter 
you feel that there is a warmth about to glow. Yes, though the 
weather be cold enough to freeze the father of salamanders, as soon 
as your ebenezer begins to rise, you feel as warm as the lowe/ 
joint of a stove-pipe. Then you are ready to do mischief— to 
either llax out your opponent, or give natu-re special fits in the un- 
lertaking. This fighting is warm work, while it lasts. By som* 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. SA 

.1 is considered good exercise, because it tends to solidify rhe tat, 
harden the constitution and all the amendments, to strengthen the 
muscles, and the claws, too, if any have been eaten at breakfast 
or dinner; but, for my part, sooner than report to anything of the 
kind for exercise, honor or glory, I would get on all-fours and 
buck with a six-year old bellwether. 

By the flower that is about to blow, is meant the blue blossom 
that generally appears somewhere in the neighborhood of the eye 
soon after the commencement of hostilities, and remains in bloom 
long after the spurious laurels that may have been gathered for 
the brow are faded and gone. It is a modest flower, but wanting 
in sweet fragrance — not planted by the hand of Providence, but by 
a mortal fist, without charge for services. 

Now, my hearers, let us look at the text in a literal light. 
* There's a fount about to stream,' This means that, since Winter 
has abdicated his throne and vamosed, every river and stream now 
held in bondage will burst its chains, kick off its icy shackles, and 
speed on its way laughing, singing, lejoicing in the genial light ol 
liberty, and reflecting the joyous rays of heaven from its peaceful 
bosom, like a Dutch-oven at the door of a tin-shop. Such is what 
is understood by the fount about to stream-; or, it is possible, it 
might have reference to a new fire engine building at the time. 

' There's a light about to beam ;' and this light, my friends, is 
soon to be seen in the bewitching smile of the lovely virgin, Spring. 
Anon, and she will be here to kiss and nurse the infant flowerets. 
now awaking from a decently-Iong nap, and lifting up their littU 
hands in praise to the Omnipotent — -.or else hollering for help — 1 
don't know which. Yes, here is a better light about to beam 
upon us, and plenty of it. Those cloud-shutters, that now so 
darken the windows of the sky, must be thrown open, and a cloud 
of sunshine come down upon us like ten thousand bricks, but with 
a gentler force and a warmer welcome. Then how delightful it 
w.Jl be to see everything starting from the ground, as if by the 
power of some magic wand! Yes, everything will then come up 
iniJ bask, dance and flourish in the life-renewing vernal light : 
Violets, cowslips, artichokes, dandelions, skunk's-cabbage, clovef, 
timothy, toadstools, woodchucks, tumble- bugs, ants, dead cats and 
dogs, and all that now lie bi>-ied not deeper than two feet below 
♦he em face. 



M fHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

•Tliere's a warmth about to glowj' so prepare ye, with straw 
hats and summer toggery, to meet it. There is a perspiring time 
a-coming to give you a foretaste of what you may have to sip at 
hereafter, in a climate as much hotter than this as this is hotter 
than the north of Greenland. Well, let it con»e — I hope it will 
sweat some of your old musty sins out of you, and make room 
for fresh ones, more refined, and more in accordance with the 
fashions of the day and the customs of the age. 

As regards the ' fiower about to bloom,' I don't know which 
among ten thousand to designate; we'll call it the jextiphalan- 
THROPOSAGos, or ' the full-budded Betsy,' and let it pass. It is of 
no great consequence, any way. 

In a metaphorical sense, my friends, the 'fount about to stream' 
is the fountain of Virtue, that, hereafter, is to be kept playing all 
the while, to beautify the park of society and purify the moral 
atmosphere of the world It will be opened as soon as Chuich 
fitreet and the Five Points are prepared to appreciate its beaujes 
and benefits. 

' The light about to beam ' is the blaze of Truth,' that has teen 
smothered for ages by the smoke and ashes of Error : but it is soon 
to burst forth and illuminate the whole earth, from pole to pole — 
from the benighted Indies of the East to the equally dark Oref/jn 
of the West — thanks to the lightning telegraph and the patent 
system of preaching. And then a w^armth will begin to glow — 
the warmth of universal friendship and love; and a flower will b« 
auout to blow that shall hold its brightness and freshness for ever 
It is the flower of practical Religion, which whispers to r.r, of ho- 
nesty in all our business transactions, and of gratitude for every 
hsav en-bestowed blessing and favor; which tells wi to pull oui 
neighbor's hair no longer than we would like to waTc our own 
pulled ; and, above all, to pay what you owe to the tailor, the hat 
ter, the shoemaker, the butcher, the printer, and tne freachek. 
So mote it be ! 



A BRIEF DISCOURSE, 



Delivered before the half-civilized inhabitants of Barren Island, oo 
the iwenty-lirst day of January, in the year of the World, ac- 
cording to Moses, five thousand eight hundred and fifty-three. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 5T 

Barren IsJanders : to what slate you belong is a mere matter of 
biiim se to yourselves, to the world, and to me; but 1 can tell you 
^•ijai blaie you are in, just at present. You are in a state of igno- 
rance, destdution, wretchedness and wo. You don't live, but some* 
how manage to keep, upon such scripture-forbidden creatures as 
hari clams, horse-feet, sea-gulls, shitepokes, cranes, bitterns, and 
owls, without knowing anything about the comforts of religion, 
roast beef, Christianity, and nice chicken fncasees. 1 know thai 
you dig money here in abundance, buned by such notorious piraies 
Epon the high seas as Gibbs and Wansley, and others, who have 
long ago gone, penniless, to settle with their Creditor and Creator 
in a world unknown to mortals : but what use is money to you, 
unless it can procure you the common necessaries of life ] Robin- 
son Crusoe, (you may not have heard of him,) when cast upon a 
desolate island like yours, found himself in possession of a bag of 
gold. 'Worthless trash!' said he, ' how gladly would I exchange 
thee all for a bite of bread and cheese, a drink of cider, and a p;pe 
of tobacco!' Here you are, solitary and alone, shut out from the 
world, and millions of miles from Goo.. The ice prevents your 
getting to Cennarsia, to Rockaway, or to Coney Island, to obtain 
the wherewithal necessary to the body's welfare; and 1 don't see 
how you can possibly contrive to get to heaven at all. Yours is 
truly a barren, God-forsaken island. The tree of Christianity can 
get no root here in the sand; whatever moral seeds may hero be 
sown stand no more chance of germinating than gravel stones in 
the gizzard of a guinea-hen. Your moral perceptions are as bluni 
as the end of a crowbar, and your ideas of things in general are 
as stunted as those dwarfish cedars that surround you. Churches, 
chapels and school-houses, can have here but a sandy foundation, 
at the best — the Bible, with you, is an exotic, and >ou know no 
more about the ten commandments than I do concerning the where- 
abouts of the ten lost tribes of Israel. The same sun shines upon 
you as upon us — at night you are overcanopied by the same siar- 
ry firmament, and the impartial moon sheds the same beams upon 
your sheep-pen-looking shanties as upon our magnificent mansions. 
Still you grope in moral and intellectual darkness. You want the 
lamp of learning to see how you are situated, and a good deal oi 
gospelling to get you upon the right track. 1 am aware that you 
are comparatively free from vice ; but 3 ou may thank your wretch- 



68 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Ciiness for that, as vice is best maintained among the weaitbicfit 

and most fashionable of communities. You are honest, because 
dishonesty is sanctioned. If one of you has a carrion crow all 
nicely cooked for dinner, and it is stolen just as the appetite and 
the spirit say ' Come,' you forgive the thief, and watch for an op- 
portunity to reciprocate, knowing that you will be forgiven in re- 
turn, and no questions asked. 

Natives of Barren Island! Though you are a rough-looking sel, 
and your numbers be few, still you are no less valuable on such 
account. The hand Divine that moulded you, also manufactured 
me, consequently I am your brother, and as a brother I advise you 
to quit drinking potato whiskey and eating tish-hawks — to put 
bonnets upon the heads of your wives and shoes upon the feet of 
your children : in short, to make up your minds to emigrate into a 
more enlightened land as soon as the sweet damsel Spring is seen 
to peep from the window of the warm, sunny south. You must 
transplant yourselves into our great Gotham, and take with you 
every dollar that you have had the good fortune to dig up. We 
don't want your money — oh, no ! but we wish you to exchange it 
for what will enrich the mind, do justice to the stomach, and re- 
spectably clothe the body. You must know that money, like ma- 
nure, is of no earthly use until it is spread. So speed to New 
York — disseminate there your lucre — learn the ways, manners and 
customs of its inhabitants, and you will become so improved, in 
the course of a few years, that you won't know yourselves from 
a regiment of schoolmasters. 

Outside barbarians ! Perhaps, upon the whole, you har^ Detter 
stay where you are ; for, in old Manhattan, we have refinement so 
completely refined that it is perfectly rotten — religion reduced to 
pol tics — virtue crowned with thorns and spit upon, and vice gar- 
landed with the flowers of wealth and fashion, but which uiu 
wholly without fragrance, and destined soon to decay. There- 
fore, Barren Islanders, I advise you to remain in your present po- 
sition, especially as I have just learned that an elegant hotel is to 
be erected close by yonder clump of frightened cedars in the course 
of the ensuing spring. Then you will have a new spirit pouiea 
out upon you — your ideas of matters and things in general will be 
•xalted : you will learn to eat what is eatable, and drink wnat is 
drinkable. You will put clean shirts upon your moral chaiaaers. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 59 

new frocks upon your women, and the rod of correction upon youj 
children. Furthermore, .' have no doubt that, in the course of a 
few years, your nov barren, desolate and mosquito-breeding island 
will be made lo bloon. like a Paradise. So mote it be ! 



ON SHADOWS. 

Text. — Sliadow oft the wedded life ; 
Every boy must have a wife; 
Every maiden will be wed, 
Eager heart and simple head. 
Sure of happiness complete; — 
What a shadow ! w^hat deceit! 
When the nuptial link is tied, 
Shadow husband ! shadow bride ! 

My Hearers : what shadows we are, and what shadoAvs we pur- 
sue ! This exclamation is old and wrinkly ; and is, therefore, the 
more worthy of our considerate regard. We are nothing but sha- 
dows in pursuit of shadows : the Deity is the substance, and life 
the sun that causes them. When that is set, the individual sha- 
dows are seen no more upon the dial of the earth; but all is one 
universal shade. But life itself is a mere shadow ; — a walking 
shadow, according to Shakspere — a fleeting shadow, according to 
Bomebod}' else ; and, according to some other one, it is but the 
shade of a shadow. Yes, friends, truly did the fishmonger remark 
when he said ' Life is a shad ! 0, how it flies !' — down the stream 
of time, in the fall of the year, to the eternal ocean. 

My friends : what is called wedded life often proves to be a de- 
lusive shadow to those who enter upon it expecting to experience 
the joys of everlasting happiness — to know all about heaven at 
once, and how angels feel on an average : who think they are 
about to enjoy the bliss of a perpetual Paradise, where not a cure- 
gnat stings, not a flea-trouble bites, and not a sorrow-worm spiral- 
izes its way into the core of delight — where they can lay off" in 
lavender, and have nothing to do but to sport with the golden- 
backed insert moments as they dance jovially by — where the rose 
blossoms thornless; where the wheat is gathered chaflless; \\here 
pleasure is stiiigless, and where snakes are harmless — where the>* 



60 SHORT PATENT SERMON*. 

foolishly imagine they can lhriv<y and prow fat upon lo^e, kissci 
aiul moonshine ! and where Fancy converts hovels into mansions 
and pig-pens intD palaces. ]'»ut how shadowy are all their dreams! 
When they get where they want to be, the lovely ideal departs 
like the beauties of a distant landscape, and nought but the cold 
real remains. Ay, wlien they have reached the what-looked-to- 
be Paradise, they find it but a common pasture, after all, where 
they must pick and pull for a living, as well as other mortals. To 
their astonishment, tiiey discover that they are in the same old 
world as before — cursed by the same cares — annoyed by the same 
anxieties — and delud(rd by the same hopes. They soon ascertain 
that poetry, love and nonsense may answer very well for a lunch, 
but beef, pork and potatoes, or something equally substajitial, are 
necessary for dinner. The most they can say is, that they are 
mildly happy — that the stream of life flows more placidlv than 
before- that my old man is satisfied, and my old woman is con- 
tented. 

Every boy must have a wife, says our text. True — every boy 
must have a wife, nowadays, before he is old enough to know what 
he is to do with her. He must have a wife because pa has one ; 
and because the furze upon his chin and a couple of pockets in his 
coat behind proclaim a man — and he knows that 'it is not good 
fur MAN to be alone.' He marries him a wife, my friends ; and, in 
three weeks atter. he looks and feels him to be but the shadow Oi 
his former self. Vain shadow ! 

' Every maiden will be wed ' — if she can. No sooner has tim? 
trotted her into her teens, and she has shed her short frock, than 
she begins to think about matrimony ; and the more she thinkr 
about it, the more she feels — she don't know how — as if tshe 
would kind o' like, but can't tell why. Still she dreams of beaux, 
Cupids, doves, darts, sentimental moonlights, and all such fancy 
goods. Her pretty little heart flutters in its prison like a butterfly 
in a bushel basket. Sh(\ sighs for something — 'tis nothing of any 
consequence; for somebody — 'tis nobody in particular. At last 
her fond affections are rlinched, doube-rivetted to an object in 
t-Qusers and stiff shirt col ar — she is fast ; and, as for making her 
^et go, you might as well undertake to whistle a grape-vine f)om 
-^hite oak. HaT '^ him ^he mu.st, and have him she will, be he 
as po-cr as thr gra.i fathei if poierty, s« ignorant as a Holten lol, 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Oi 

and as odd-]ool»Ing as a blue pig with a safTron-coloretl tail. Poor 
creature! with eager heart and simple head,' she rushes forward 
to the goal, not only hoping, but actually believing, that she vmi 
there meet with happiness unadulterated with the vile ingredients 
that make up the compound of every maidenly joy. What a sha- 
dow ! what deceit ! 

My hearers : our text intimates that when a he and she of us 
mortals are put to work together in Hymen's double harness, it ia 
' shadow husband ! shadow bride !' This may be all very correct 
in a metaphorical sense ; but, if the Quaker giant and giantess at 
[iarnum's Museum are to be considered shadows, heaven forfend 
that they should ever fall upon me, or upon my pulpit ! If there ia 
any such thing as solid connubial happiness, they must enjoy it in 
ics most solidified state. They are the tallest shadows in breeches 
and petticoats that ever crossed my astonished vision. Yet sha- 
dows they ARE, as is everything else in this shadowy world. Love, 
honor, ambition, glory, wealth and fame are but so many mere 
shadov.-s — intangible, fleeting, vanishing. And the multitude oi 
multitudes upon earth — behold! 'they come like shadows, so de- 
part !' So mote it be ! 

As I have now finished my shadowy discourse, I give you ah 
leave to go quietly home. Hence ! dispel, disperse, vain shadows! 



RESTLESS MORTALS. 



Text. — In vain T search cieauon o er, 
My spirit finds no rest; 
The T/hole creation is tco poor. 
Too mean to make me blest. 

My Hearers : Heaven has put restless spirits into our bodies, 
that we may na be satisfied with remaining in the same old spot 
for ever : that we may go forward, seek out new inventions, em- 
bark in new enterprizes, establish new theories, and become more 
enlightened, greater, wiser, and, consequently, wickeder; but, if 
we allow our uneasy spirits to wing their way over the world in 
search of the pure gold of happiness in big chunks, they will re- 
turn to the ark tired and disappointed ; for it can only be found ia 
■mail particles, and mixc 1 with sorrowful sand. Now, my little 



32 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Boul is naturally as uneasy in its cage as a partri.lge in a hencoop, 
or a dog in the kitchen of his new master 5 but, by dint of scold- 
ing and cuffing of ears, I compel it to go and lie quielJ} down in 
some corner of my heart, and make it appear is though it takes 
the world and women-folks easy, whether it do-:S or I'ot. I have 
sailed in the balloon-ship Fancy, over two-thirds, at least, of cre- 
ation, and I can't find that happiness is to be discovered in greater 
abundance in one place than another. Theiefore, I bid my fidget} 
soul be easy; and if it finds it impossible to Le wholly ea;y, 1 or- 
der it to be as easy as it can, for I am determined not to be annoy- 
ed by it. 

My friends : you, no doubt, find it a pretty hard task to keep 
the spirit contented at home — about as hard, I suspect, as n^.aking 
a hen set when she doesn't feel in the humor for it. Verily, the 
spirit is too willing to gad abroad, and the flesh imagines itseii too 
weak to prevent it ; but I don't believe that the fl<;sh is always so 
weak as it pretends to be. It might do unsupposable things, if it 
only tried. But no, you had raiher go with it, through swamps, 
marshes, thickets and grave-yards, in vain pursuit of the jack-o'- 
lanter.i, perfect blessedness! O, you silly fools! do you know 
what )ou chase "? It is a phosphorescent nothing, that never has 
been, and never can be, grasped by mortals; and the sv/ifter you 
run for it, ihe sooner yon get tired, or find yourselves crotch-deep 
in the mud and mire of disappoint.nent. Travel where you will 
— from Gog to Magog -from one end of the earth to the other — 
from Spitzbergen to Patagonia — from Oregon to the East Indies — 
from Connecticut to California, and you will find, after all, that 
the world is too poor, too contemptibly mean, to make you blest. 
Vou will come to the caim conclusion that as much happiness can 
be enjoyed at home as elsewhere, only you didn t find it out ex- 
actly in season, 

My hearers: I know very well what you imagine will procure 
you bhss by the hogshead : it is that wretched, filthy stulF called 
money. This it is that keeps your souls in a flutter, and sets you 
lumping like a lot of chained monkeys at the sight of a string of 
fresh fish. You think if you only possessed a certain heap of the 
lucre, you would lie off" in lavender — niake mouths at care — say 
How are yel to sorrow — laugh at time, and feel as hrippy as ai, 
oy.^tei ie June. 0, yes '. il you only had enough cf tie irash, . 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 63 

admit you might feel satisfied, and, of course, contented ; but, in 
•uch cai>es, more requires more, (according to Daboll and the devil,) 
the last more requires most, most wants more yet ; and so on, to 
ttie end of everlasting. There is no such thing as enough in 
worldly riches. As vvel might the sow be supposed to get enough 
of wallowing in the mire, as for a mortal to be satisfied with roll 
ing in the carrion of wealth. So false are your ideas of the means 
to obtain happiness, that you would, if you could, coax angt & 
from the skies to rob them of the jewels in their diadems. I have 
Qoi the least doubt of it. 

My dear friends : I will tell you how to enjoy as much bliss as 
heaven can afford to humans. Be contented with what you have, 
no matter how poor it is, till you have an opportunity to get some- 
thing better. Be thankful for every crumb that falls from the ta- 
ble of Providence, and live in the constant expectation of having 
the luck to pitch upon a whole loaf. Have patience to put up with 
present troubles, and console yourselves with the idea that your 
situations are paradises compared with some others. When you 
have enough to eat to satisfy hunger — enough to drink to quench 
thirst — enough to wear to keep you decent and comfortable — ^just 
enough of what is vulgarly called ' tin ' to procure you a few lux- 
uries : when you owe no one, and no one owes you, not even a 
grudge — then, if you are not happy, all the gold in the universe 
can never make you so. A man, much wiser than I, once said. 
Give me neither poverty nor riches; and I look upon him as the 
greatest philosopher that the world ever produced. All he want- 
ed was CONTENT, Sufficient bread and cheese, and a clean shirt. 
Take a pattern after him, ye discontented mortals who vainly 
imagine that bliss alone is to be found in the palaces of wealth 
and opulence. 

My hearers : if you consider all creation too poor to aiford you 
a pennyworth of pure blessedness, you must pray to become re- 
conciled with its poverty. Grease your prayers with faith, and 
send them up in earnestness, hot from the soul's oven. This ma- 
nufacturing cold petitions with the lips, while the heart continual- 
y cries Gammon, is no more use than talking Choctaw to a China 
man. Heaven understands no such gibberish; it only knows tlif: 
pure, simple language of the spirit — the soul's vernacular. So, 
wucn you pray, do it in as simple a manner as possible, but with 



C4 SHORT PATENT SERM0K8. 

red-aot narnestness, and your souls will find rest wherever yon are 
—whether nibbling at a crust in poverty-hollow, or half-starving 
in California while endeavoring to transmografy a bag of gold-dust 
into an Indian-pudding. So mote it be ! 



HOW TO PASS THE HOLIDAYS. 



Text. — Welcom, welcom again to thy wits, 
This is a hoaJay j 
We'll have no plots nor melancholy fits, 
But merrily passe the time away. 
They are mad that are sad ; 

Be ruled by me, 
And never were two so merry as we. 
The kitchen shall catch cold no more, 
We'll have no key on the buttery door, 
The fiddlers shall sing. 
The house shall ring, 

And the world shall see 
What a merry couple we will be 

With these good things before our sights, 
Grant us, good Lord, good appetites ! 

My Hearers: here we are, with heel just off of Christmas and 
toe upon New Years — up to our middles in the merriments of the 
holidays. Now let us enjoy them, for both the stomach's and the 
heart's sake — for the good of both body and soul. Away with 
melancholy; shut pan upon all unpleasant recollections; let the 
past be undisturbed, and the future rest in peace. Let us have no 
glromy thoughts — no moody fits — nor allow care to kick up a row 
an ong the social and festive joys of the present. The wearied 
and toil-worn mind calls for relaxation once in a twelvemonth, at 
least ; and, in order that it may obtain it, you must first get its lord 
anil master, the belly, into a good humor. Therefore, .«pare not 
the turkey, neither the wine, nor the ale, nor the cake; for these 
be they that please the inner man, and induce him to grant a holi- 
day to his hard-working servant, the mind; at which the heart is 
.naJe to dance, and the face of the outer gentleman to glow with 
gladness. 

ily dear friends : wear no sad nor sour looks about these days; 



•HORT PATENT SERMONS. 65 

Cliristmas anJ New Year's come but once while mother Earth pe'-- 
formji her aniiial journey rcuiiid old father Sol: and if, durine 
their visits, you won' take the pains to festoon the heart with 
evergreen wreaths, dotted with the Eternal Golden Flowers of Joy 
and ciook the corners of your mouths a little upward for the oc- 
casion, you haJ beUer creep into a hollow tree, or burrow up and 
lie dormant, like wooJchucks, for the winter. There is a time foi 
al'i things, says the Book of Truth; and now is the time to drink, 
eat, sing, fiddle, dance, and be merr}' — old folks, young folks, mid- 
dle-aged, and all. If your pecuniary pouch is in too collapsed a 
state to admit of your participating in the pleasures of the ball- 
room, the theatre, the banquet, and the other usual festivities of 
the season abroad, sit by your own fireside — warm your toes and 
your stomachs — be of good cheer yourselves, and make cheerful 
the little circle around you. See that the kitchen catches cold no 
more for the present ; throw away the key to the pantry door; 
rejoice, with the chilJren, at the kind, generous visit of good old 
Santa Claus; bring out the apples, the nuts, the cakes and the ci- 
der; call in the fiddler, and let the world hear, if it can't see, how 
happy and gay you can be if you only set yourselves about it — 
that you are determined to rub up and polish year's ru.sty chain, if 
you have to take a piece of your shirt for the want of a rag to do 
it with. 

My friends : if we live long enough, old wrinkles must deforn: 
the pretty features of us all; but, when they do come, let mem 
come with mirth and laughter, and not with grief and anxiety 
thtj will wear the better for it. In fact, there is nothing like ha- 
Ditual merriment to lengthen out a man's days to the period at 
vhich these honorable corrugations are commonly developed. So 
be cheerful at all times, if possible ; te-hee and haw-haw as much 
as you can, ' in spite of wind and weather,' and be right merry, 
during the holiday season, at any rate. Laughter clears the cob- 
webs away that the spiders of care are so apt to spin in the cor- 
ners of one's heart; and there is nothing in this world that sick- 
ness and death are so shy of as a jovial soul. But, brethren, to 
keep the heart, soul and mind in good trim, I tell you, the capri 
cions wants of the stomach must be attended to. If these be ne 
glected, the heart grows cold and clammy — the mind morose and 
peevish — the brain muddv — and your features are either blank aa 
6 



66 SHORT PATENT SERMOW8. 

a piece of pasteboard, or melancholy as a portrait upon a tomb* 
stone. When the s'omach cries for food, feed it ; when it is dry, 
give it drink; and when it is cold, see that you warm it; it can 
scarcely be too warm to suit the other members of the corporeal 
family. Yes, keep it comfortably warm, and well fed, and those 
laborers — the legs, arms and hands — will not be slow in doing their 
duty, while the heart is as blithesome as a singing bird, and the 
ideas are busy as bees gathering honey from the flowers of June. 
I won't say, with some philosophers, that a man's brains are most- 
ly deposited in his belly, or that his intellectual faculties are situ- 
ated among tae ruobish of the stomach; but I do most strenuous* 
ly contend that one's thoughts, ideas, mental endeavors, peace and 
contentment of mind are controlled by these two important organs 
■ — the latter especially. When that is not in proper tune, all the 
rest of the machinery — both mental and physical — is out of kilter. 
When that animal — the stomach — is properly provided for, the 
bristles upon the human disposition lie down as sleek as feathers 
upon the breast of a duck; the heart looks through the windows 
of the eyes, laughing for joy ; rosy smiles bunst into bloom all the 
way from brow to chin; and the whole individual can't help ex- 
hibiting outward signs of delight, because of the comfort within. 
Theieforc, brethren, attend well to the animal, in order that the 
INTELLECTUAL, the MORAL, and the IDEAL, may be pleased and sti- 
mulated to praiseworthy deeds. Some of you have stomachs na- 
turally as cold as a potato-Jiole left open in winter. Your very 
'ooks, manners and address betray the fact ; for they^, too, are icy 
as the mountains of Greenland. Now, I advise all such to tuck 
under their jackets as much of the good stuff of the season as there 
is room for, conveniently; but be careful, at the same time, not to 
overload the aforesaid animal: for, be it recollected, it is not a 
beast of very heaven burden. Furthermore, I advise you — whose 
presence is enough to freeze a v;^arm social knot in the most com- 
fortable of apartments — as Paul advised Timothy, i. e., during the 
remaitider of the holidays, to ' take a little wine for the stomach's 
sake,' and make yourselves agreeable. I agree with friend Shak- 
Bpere, that it is better to let the liver heat with wine, than the heari 
cool with mortifying groans. This creeping into the jaundice by 
denying the stomach, and withholding all encouragement to actioi) 
froii\ tH liver, and iheicby becoming as fretful and peevish as per. 



SHORT lATCNT SERMONS. 67 

tnp'nes, shovis a woful want of wisdom, to make the best of it. 
It won't do — it won't do, brethren ! In ihis sunlit, social an i so- 
ciable world, you must keep up the cheer, some way or another, 
or poke out of it — and that not long after shortly. • Assist na- 
ture,' as brother Brandreth says. Fire up — raise sulhcient steam 
10 keep the mortal machinery in operation; and, meanwhile, see 
that tie gudgeons are well greased with the fat of the land — 
otherwise it must rust, and come to a dead stand-still ; and so re- 
main, beyond the possibility of ever receiving another start upon 
«arth. 

My hearers : now you are surrounded by a host of accessories, 
comforts and luxuries : and, with all these good things before you, 
may heaven grant you good appetites ! If you can't enjoy the 
pleasures of the table, you can no more enjoy the other (and per- 
haps more rational) pleasures of the world than a snake can walk 
a slack wire on the tip of its tail. I pray that you all may have 

The power and will 
To eat your fill — 

that you may be lively, social and gay for the rest ot this festive 
season. After which, you may stuff or stare — be glad or sad — 
for aught I care ; but, for your own sakes, try to keep the heart 
in a merry mood till Christmas comes again. So mote it hri 



ON sNurriNo. 

Text. — Knows he that never took a pinch, 

Nosey, the pleasure thence that Hows ? 
Knows he the titillating joy 

Which MY nose knows ! 
0, Nose ! I am as proud of thee 
As any mountain of its snows : 
I gaze on thee, and feel the joy 

A Roman knows ! 

My Hearers: I have, as you all well know, denourice(^ thai ' «ile 
weed,' tobacco, because its indulgence is so apt to lead ^o disjust- 
\ng excesses. Yet there is nothing in its nature baneful to health, 
if used, and not abnsed ; but, on the contrary, it rather conduces 
ic iojige.vitj ; fo' «i some one will only take the paii** i.> ascer- 



68 SHORT PATEHT SERMOK8. 

lain the fact, it will be found that the majority of those who h\e 
10 remarkable ages have been notorious, if not Aiveteiate, partak- 
ers of the weed, in some shape or other — pipe-smoking in thciv 
gooJ oU days, especially. True, tobacco contains poison : so does 
a po;ato, in a very great degree ; but who is fcolish enough to say 
that potatoes shall be dispossessed of the pr.vilega of bting loved 
and eaten, on that account 1 No one, of course. Remember ye, 
my friends, that a certain portion of poison is a necessa'-y ingre- 
d.ent of the food that you eat, of the air that you breathe — and, 
peihaps, I may say, of every pleasure in which you are pione to 
indulge. In this funny world, there is a mysterious blending of 
good and evil — of right and wrong — and of the purifying and the 
poisonous — which, taken in proper combined state, is -all for the 
best.' At any rate, no more harm can be feared therefrom thm 
from the commingling of the deadly, the innocuous, and the exhi- 
lirating gases, of which our purest atmospheie is composed. 

My friends : what I have particularly to say about tobacco is 
this: The use of it is agreeable to yourselves, but rayther ofTen- 
sive to others. If you chew, or chaw, (^or in any language you 
CHOOSE,) you must salivate, in a greater or less degree; and who 
can endure an excess of ptyalism, even in a kitchen 1 Spitting is 
one of the most contemptible habits that ever hooked iU^i. upon 
humanity. I say contlmptible; for what can postib.y be a 
stronger exhibition of contempt than a squirt of saliva towards 
your most respected person 1 Now, for my part, I would about as 
iief a body should spit upon me as at rne; and he might as soon 
eject his juice in my face as upon my boots ; for, know ye, that my 
boots have a certain amount of respect for themselves, as well as 
my lizzeog. And now, to give you my sincere belief; no man taa 
be admitted into the principal parlor of heaven, who, pei- force of 
habit, spits as he goes, and might accidentally spit upon the vestal 
drapery of an angel. 

My hearers : I have no doubt that much pleasure is derived 
from ' snuffing;' but my nose knows it not. The titillation occa- 
«oned by a pinch cannot be otherwise than agreeable; and then 
the sneeze — if you are so fortunate as to be favored with one — is 
not that delightful 1 What pleasure can be enjoyed this side of 
heaven to exceed a powerful sneeze "? But the worst of it is, if 
you ■^'veome addicted to tiekling the nostrils with powdered lobac 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 69 

CO, the nose gets obstinate, and refuses to sneeze. What is the 
consequence 1 — you persevere in goading this poor, innocent mem- 
ber, all to no purpose. Sneeze he won't, and sneeze you can'i 
nnake him. And then how horribly it affecls your sjie^ch ! In- 
stead of distinctly saying shilling, you merely utter siiil'n, anJ, 
for plain English pudding, you can only get out someth.ng ihat 
sounds like pl'd'n. 

Now, my friends, if you are determined to use tobacco in any 
way. manner, or shape, do it, as everything else should be done, 
in moderation, or don't you do it at all. So mote it be ! 



THE BLISS OF CHILDHOOD 



Text. — So glad a life was never, love. 

As that which childhood leads. 
Before it learns to sever, love, 

rhe roses from the weeds ; 
Then, to be very duteous, love. 

Is all it has to do, 
And every flower is beauteous, love, 

And every folly true. 

Mv Hearers : It is interesting, if not profitable, to sit and think 
for a while upon the vicissitudes ol life : to look back, with Me- 
mory's eye, upon the Pasi : to dwell for a fev/ moments, upon 
the Present, and lo speculate upon the Future. 

The Past delights us with its amaranthine blossoms, and tease.s 
us with an occasional thorn. Many, 0, many, are the poises that 
paint the heath of remembiance, and garnish to loveliness the 
arena of bygone days. They bloom on, untouched by the hoar 
frosts of time, and preserve their pristine beauty even when sur- 
rounded by the snows of Life's cold and cheerless December. 
But some flowers have faded and died, and thorns, sharp aa 
needles, have sprung up in their places. If they do not wound, 
the heart, they prick the fingers and tear the calico of Retrospec- 
tion, as she draggles her skirt among them ; nevertheless, whea 
she comes home and ttiinks upon the matter. «he is rather pleased 
than otherwise with the amount of her ramblings. I will tell 
you where the prickers grow. When Memory visits the tomhf 



70 IHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

of the friends and play-companions of our youth, she there findt 
piercing thorns. At the place where wc let slip gohlen opi)ortu 
nilies, anJ silvery chances, are planted briars that scratch reflec- 
tion and annoy llie minJ ; and the monuments of Sin, Error and 
Folly are sunounded with nettles that sting the feet of Recollec- 
Tion nil they dance the oddest of jigs, hornpipes and fanJangoes. 

'I he Present is altogether an unsatisfactory affair. It furnishes 
*vveet music ; but its melody falls unheeded upon the ear, and its 
harmony is but jarring discord to our uneasy souls. It is gar- 
landed with roses ; but we perceive not their beauty, nor enjoy a 
sense of their fragrance — we care no more for them than for so 
many toadstools. It offers us joy by the jugfull, but we won't 
take pains to pull the stopper out. It sets before us a big plattei 
of jtleasure; but we choose to gnaw a knuckle-bone of care, or 
sop our hard crusts in the drippings of hope. If there be any 
reality, my friends, to the jjresent, it is seldom or never realized by 
us mysterious mortals, who are everlastingly looking over the 
fence for the same flowers that are being crushed beneath our 
boots. 

The Future, brethren, is always either illumined with the bright 
rays of hope, or overcast with the dark clouds of despair — more 
generally it presents the former aspect. And here al'ow me to 
g.ve yon a lb in paring of advice, all ye who see bugaboos in the 
dim distance, and would cut 'cross lots to eternity : 'Hope on, hope 
ever !' — That's the motto for any two-legged creature that pretends 
to the ownership of a thinking-niachinc. God guides the beastfs, 
but upon YOUR necks he tbrows the reins, and leaves you to go to 
glory, or to grass — ^just as you see fit. You bave the power, to a 
certain extent, to make yourselves comfortable or miserable at 
every stage, scaffold or omnibus of life; and why don't you make 
yourselves easy — as easy as you can } Because you like to coax 
misery to yourselves for the comfort of fretting, worrying and 
making others around you as miserable as yourselves. As Silver- 
brass says — and says with more poetry than truth, and not much 
of either — You catch the itch to enjoy the delightful fun and cx- 
ijuisite pleasure of scratching. 

Aly friends: perhaps yon may think my text to be in'ected wuh 
tfome contagious di>ease, that 1 keep so far out of it& neighbor- 
hood. 1 will approximate a httle — who's afraid] There are nn,re 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 

if leas ouds to be picked, and flowers to be plucked, in every sea 
<--n of man's existence, and at every moment of his life— excep' 
•vlien he is asleep and has the nightmare; but it is Childhood only 
'.hat gathers them in big bunches. Manhood gathers grapes from 
thislJes; but two-thirds oi them are sour enough to make a pg 
sing a song of Jeremiah, and pitch upon the highest octave in ih^ 
unwritten music of hog-dom. Old Age — unlike, and yet likj, 
Childhood — finds beautiful blossoms at the portal of the tomb, as 
once they were found blooming by the cradle when life was fresu 
and new. But oh, my friends ! if you ever sucked pure joy, plea 
sure and happiness through a straw, as it were, it was when you 
were young colts, calves, lambs, puppies, chickens, ducks, or gos- 
lings— whichever you might have been ! Then the momenrjs 
seemed to sport and dilly-dally by the wayside, hke the goiden* 
mailed insects and versicolored butterflies — the hours slipped as 
smoothly along as though they were greased for the occasion. — 
Time trod softly, noiselessly, in his stocking-feet, as if fearful iesi 
he should awake the infant. Care, so quietly sleeping in the hap- 
py bosom of childhood — the year, that appears to man but a brief 
hour, seemed an eighth of eternity, and as full of delight as it ap- 
peared long. Oh, those blissful, dreamy days of our youth ! they 
never will again throw their silken mantle upon us poor, wayworn 
md path-weary pilgrims ! 

My hearers : the ignorance of Childhood constitutes its chiefesl 
bliss. It knows nought of the troubles, trials and disappointments 
that are to beset Jt in after years : it has not learned to sever the 
roses from the weeds ; but every blossom is pretty, beautiful, love- 
ly — be it the noxious stinkweed, expanding its corolla by the barn- 
yard, or the innocent violet modestly peeping from out its grass- 
hidden home. All it has to do is to be duteous and have its face 
washed ; and it doesn't trouble itselt much about these so long an 
it is happy, gay and mdependent. With it every fo' • is true, 
every fancy a fact, and every shadow a subsiauc.. .^^ke ' tne 
poor Indian,' it sees God's likeness in the thunder-heau^, and hears 
the whisperings of angels in the warm summer breeze. Its spirit 
opens to itself a paradise, and revels therein, never thinking, alaa : 
that it must one day be driven out into a wilderness of anxieties, 
to delve and to toil — to ea^n its bread by the sweat of its brow — eal 
.t ill s( now, and call life a humbug, at last ! So mote it be! 



2 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

ON STARVING LOVE TO FEED PRID£. 

Tkxt. — To such a place remove our camp 
As will no siege abiJe : 
I hate a fool who starves her love 
Only to feed her pride. 

My Hearers: every one of us, in this unsatisfactory si^he.'-e. 
rfeenis to entertain a fault-finding wonder as lo • why heaven ha« 
made us as we are V The only answer to this is, Heaven, Nature, 
iaod, Creator — or whatever name you choose to apply — has made 
us as we arc, for the good reason that we couldn't have been pui 
into a better shape to afford scope for our mental and physical fa- 
culties. Yet thousands and thousands there are who find fault 
with themselves, or rather with the One who devised, planned and 
put them together. They are not satisfied with being them- 
selves, bat they must be somebody ej.se; still — strange as the 
anomaly may appear — no one seems really willing lo swap him- 
self for the best live mortal upon earth. Ask one of the juvenile 
feminine gender whether she had rather be a boy than a girl, she 
will answer: ' To rather be a gal.' And vice versa with the 
other sex. Still, all we frail mortals are more or less inclined lo 
a>!<ume airs — to affect to be what we are not. Our vanity must be 
clothed in gorgeous and costly array, and our pride must be ])am- 
percd to the expense of sober judgment. 

My dear friends : Td just as lief say it as not, and I will say it, 
if I get my ears boxed and my hair pulletl, that women are more 
artificial and affected than men. Well, it is all right, I suppose, 
that they should be. They don't do the courting, and are not al- 
lowed the liberty of making the first advances; consequently, they 
must contrive to attract. I never could sec, though, how any great 
capital could ever be made out of the ridiculous enormities of 
Fashion. Some young ladies not only starve their love to fpt?* 
their pride, but they must also starve and torture their poor bodies 
out of all rhyme and reason. Some won't taste of coffee, lest it 
should be the means of accumulating too much adipose about the 
ribs, and making them measure an inch more than is desirable 
round the waists. They use no butter, for fear of a pim])le*upon 
their pretty noses; nor partake of a particle of meat, under a hor- 
rid apprehension of incurring a muddy complexion. But, mark 
the cojisequrnce : they soon become weakly, nervous, fidgetty aud 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 73 

old-maidisli — their skins get as vellow as a cucumber gone to seed 
— their eyes have no more lustre than blue beans in a withered 
pod--anJ their whole systems get so shattered, at last, that they 
(vill hardly stand the shock of a severe compliment. What then 
must they do ? Why, endeavor to make up, by artificial means, 
for what Nature could have done (and a great deal better) had .she 
been allowed her own way. They take physic, to prop up their 
broken constitutions, and apply paints, washes, chalks and cosme- 
tics, to recover theii pristine bloom and youthful beauty. Young 
bachelors! don't have anything to do with one of these. They 
are counterfeit goods — spurious articles; and, after you have had 
them upon your hands for a while, you will come to the conclu- 
siyn that you have ' seen the elephant,' to your sorrow. 

My hearers : once in a while you come across one ' who starves 
her love to feed her pride ;' but what that pride is, it is difficult to 
tell. It varies under different circumstances. She won't mentjon 
her love, nor open the doors of her heart to allow it the liberty to 
come out and soar upon butterfly wings through the bland atmo- 
sphere of frankness and freedom. No ! she lets concealment, like 
a worm in an apple-core, feed upon her damaged cheek. And all 
this through pride, vanity, foolishness, or something of the sort! 
Pshaw ! all you girls who want husbands, and can't get on with- 
out 'em, speak out, and don't be afraid. You will thus get tnem 
quicker, and better ones too, than by pursuing any vanity-feeding, 
pride- pampering, or make-believe-bashful course. Go ahead — 
make known your wants — publish your preferences — and you 
ahall each be rewarded with a husband who says his prayers daily, 
chews tobacco, looks after his household, and takes delight in oe- 
ing considered a domestic animal. So mote it be ! 



INFORMATION AND FAVORS GAINED FROM THE LOWEST. 

Tbxt. — And, if thou pitiest Tamburlane the Great, 
Old woman, tell us what o'clock it be ! 

My HtARErvS : how true it is, thai the greatest of mortals are some 
times compelled to ask small bu" important favois of the very luw- 
esll I know that, while travelling lately to preach to the inhabit* 



T4 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

anls of Wind-whistle Island, I was obliged to beg a lite of bread 
and cheese and a squash-sheli of water of an old woman, whose 
brown hut sat like a toad in the woods by the roadside. Was not 
that a picture of Greatness leaning u})on the staff of humility, and 
receiving crumbs from the hands of Poverty? It was nothing 
Jess. And, when I am compelled to solicit you to put an occa- 
Ronal sixpence, instead of all pennies, in the plate for the good 
cause, do I not let myself down from my exalted position, a few 
pegs at least ? I do all that. And, when any of us ministers ask 
for a dismissal, to go somewhere else and feed upon fatter salaries, 
is it not a great condescension on our parts 1 Most certainly it is. 
Did not Elisha the Prophet, while abiding among the rocks in the 
gloomy wilderness, call upon the crows to bring him a mouthful 
of meat ? Look at the great Diogenes, while basking in his tub, 
asking the little Alexander to do him the favor to stand out of his 
sunshine. You must be aware, my friends, that any hungry saint 
would much rather dine with a sinner upon a good haunch of ve- 
nison, than with an angel, and get nothing but bean soup and bean 
bread. So, you see, the rich require favors of the poor — the great 
of the small — and the righteous of the wicked. 

My friends : there is no ninny so wholly dry and sapless, but a 
drop or two of the honey of information may sometimes be ex 
tracted from him. Don't let your pride and vanity make you 
ashamed to ask concerning small matters of which you happen to 
be ignorant ; for, just as likely as not, yonder urchin with a check 
apron, white head, dirty face, and bread and molasses, is capable 
of giving you just the information you require. If you think you 
can make the world believe that you know everything already, and 
that your storehouse is crammed full to the ridge-pole, let me tell 
you, you labor (or idle) under a mighty big mistake. The world 
is not such a credulous fool as that. Why, you vain, conceited 
ig-no-ra-mus-ES ! — you can go to school to a spider, to a bumble- 
bee, or to a pismire, and be taught more in one hour than you ever 
learned in all your lives ! You won't inquire, then, for fear folks 
will suppose you are ignorant johnnyhorses ! Yon wouldn't ask 
an old 'woman what time o' day it was by the shadow of her mop 
handle, lest she should suspect you hadn't a watch in your pocket I 
Well if you won't ask, you shall not receive; if you v^on't seek, 
you shall no*, find; and, if you wo vt knock at the door of infor- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 7& 

roation, yoa may wander outside in the darkness of ignorance — 
guided by the bug-lamps of instinct, and the false lights of self- 
conceit — and making more stumbles and blunders than a blind 
horse among ditches and sand-pits. So mote it be ! 



SEVEN YEARS. 



Text. — Seven years in childhood's sport and play, 
Seven years in school from day to day, 
Seven years at trade or college life, 
Seven years to find a place and wife, 
Se-en years to pleasure's follies given, 
Se\ en years by business hardly driven. 
Seven years for fame, a wild goose chase, 
Seven years for wealth, a bootless race, 
Seven years for hoarding for your heir. 
Seven years in weakness spent jn care. 
Then die and go — you know not where. 

My Hearers : Seven, as you all know, is a magic number; at any 
rate, it has more to do with remarkable events, wars, epochs, inci- 
dents, historical facts and modern occurrences, than any other num- 
ber in DaboH's arithmetic. Strange, isn't it, how ' matters and 
things' go by sevens 1 In reading of the olden times, we notice 
the ' seven wonders of the world ' — ' seven sleepers ' — ' seven de- 
vils '- 'seven days of famine, and seven days of plenty' — 'seven 
candlesticks' — 'seven seals' — 'seven heavens' — the seven of the 
clean beasts that Noah look in out of the rain — the seven — but, 
Without travelling into the mud and mire of the past, let us take 
a squint at the sevens observable at the present day. We have 
the seven days of the week — the seven stars (minus the one thai 
strayed away and got lost when it was a stripling) — the seven 
bristles that constitute the whiskers of a cat— and the seven but- 
tons that I alwa3's wear upon my waistcoat. But I must keep in 
sight of my text. 

' Seven years in childhood's sport and play.' Short as they really 
are, these seven years seem the longest of any in life. The dis- 
tance from the fust of January to the latter extremity of Decem- 
ber appears to the child that has never had its head scorched by 
ovel half a dozen summers, immeasurably great — almost like a 



76 SHORT PATENT SERM0K9. 

livtle for ever; Ht talk to it of seven years, and its conc<!;])tion cf 
rime grows dusky, and experience a sunset at once. I recollect 
that when I was a little spindle-shanked brat, not old enough to 
understand and manage the machinery of a pair of breeches, a 
week seemed to be a dog's age — a monlh a snuiU everlasting, and 
a yea' an immense detached portion of eternity. I thought that 
forty years would be as Icng as 1 ought, or should, want to live; 
for if ever I were to get tired travelling on the old turnpike to the 
C.ty of the Dead, it would be then. Forty long, long years! 
Patience, you are made of good limber, thought I. Yet I was aa 
happy as the years were long. Yes, brethren, I never cared how 
tirne passed, so long as he didn't knock me down and ride over me 
I was troubled some with worms ; but the worm of care had not 
eaten its way into my bosom. Flowers bloomed for me all win- 
ter — if not in the meadows and by the roadside, they flourished in 
the region of my heart like pussley about a pig-pen. Though the 
day were ever so cloudy, a streak of sunshine constantly illumined 
my interior. Though the weather were heavy as lead, my spirits 
were as light as feathers. In short, there was a little fountain of 
joy within me that never ceased flowing, except when I stubbed 
my toes, got my ears pulled, or was denied a lump of sugar; and 
then It stopped only for a moment: if immediately began spouting 
again, as beautiful, joyous and merry as ever. Such was my child- 
hood, my frienJs, and similar was yours. 

* Seven years in school from day to day.' That's about the time 
required to use up the spelling book, get the mastery of the mono- 
pyllahles and the polysyllables — take liberties with the grammar 
— correct the geography, and subdue the arithmetic. This period, 
though uninfcsted with gnaltish anxieties, is rather dull and mo- 
notonous : there is too much of a sameness about it, as the dog said 
of churning. It is get up in the morning, take your dinner basket 
and trudge to where the ointment of knowledge is rubbed upon all 
alike (and sometimes well birched in) with an impartial hand — go 
through the same old tune of yesterday, of spelling, reading and 
wiiting; disturbing nouns, verbs and adverbs, and (ausing figures 
to lie that have never lied before ; then bolt your bread and butter 
and red apple at noon, and hasten to wear out your shoes and the 
larg'-^t portion of your pantaloons by sliding on the ice — go in 
foi the afternoon- -same cold, intellectual soup as in the mormn^ 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 77 

—trot 1 Dme towards evening with a noddle half filled vviih the 
chips at d fraj^nrents of learning, and a stomach emptier than the 
hIaJder of conceit. Then day after day you perform the idemicai 
Cider-mill circuit, with liitle to g.ve variety, save an occasional 
truantmg. [ nrchased at the expense of an uncharitable flagellation. 
If our schoolboy days, my brethren, are milk-and-waterish from 
their sameness, they lay the foundation for an appetite to relish 
more solid mental food in after years. They open our eyes, tnat 
we may see to go safely through a world of sin, temptation, deceit, 
dishonesty, and corruption, barely whitewashed with j)ret'^nded 
piety ; and, furthermore, they enable us to get money without 
back-breaking, and to cheat as sleekly, smoothly and successfully 
j.s the smartest of our neighbors. 

' Seven years at trade or college life.' This epoch takes the boy 
.o twenty-one — the empire of manhood. He has whittled his bench 
to a skeleton in the school-house, served his aj)prenticeship, and is 
now his own lord and master — he is to begin the world for him- 
self. He disdains to be called a boy, and lacks the boldness to 
look v.\ on himself as a man. He is in a ' transition state,' liKe the 
pin-lea hered gosling just stejiping upon the threshold of goose- 
hood. He exerts every effort to persuade a little hair to garnish 
his chijk and chin — applies oil, raw egg, potato poultices, and 
good Peter only knows what else, for the promotion of a respect- 
able growth. VV^hen he gets it, then he is a man to a live certain- 
ty, and must begin to look about 'to find a place and a wife.* 
It is easier for him to get possession of a wife than a j)lace; yet 
he might hunt and smeil about for more than seven years and 
catch a Tartarean after all. A good wife is a great comfoit— 
a heavenly blessing — a first-rate afiair; but a poor one is a source 
«jf greater une.asiness than were a shirt made of hemp and briar 
^jushes. A wife should have mildness in her eyes, smiles upon 
her lips, and a heart full of love and tenderness. She should have 
a temper as smooth as the skin upon her face — a natural inclina- 
tion for neatness, order and arrangement in her household aifairs 
— an instinct for brushing cobwebs out of the corners of the kitch- 
p.p and chasing spiders to perdition. She should delight in darn- 
intr stockings, sewing on buttons where they are wanted, and pos- 
sess a passion for patching dilapidated pantaloons. In short, she 
«i;oiiid ever luake u her study how sh@ can best please her ' ul^i 



»h IHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

man ' — not forg'etting herseJf, of course. I will take it for grant 
ed that she is good-looking ; for who ever saw a wife with pret« 
tiness in her nature that didn't show a portion of it in her features '? 
Such a one is worth serving seven years for — as they did in the 
days of Isaa: and Abraham — if she is worth setting up with for a 
single night. 

Then, my friends, there are 'seven years to pleasure's follies 
given ' — from twenty-eight to thirty-live; that is just about enough 
of time's small change to spend for fun, frolic and careless enjoy- 
ment. Then, or never, man makes up his mind to drive his busi- 
ness, or let his business drive him. If he is not in a fair way at 
forty-two to get his share of the world's spoils, he might as well 
hang up his fiddle, and be content to dig his way through life as 
best he may. 

The * seven years for fame' are encouraging, discouraging, per- 
plexing, pleasing, tormenting, teasing and disappointing — a regular 
wild goose chase. The pursuer thinks every moment he is aoout 
to catch the bird, and so keeps on thinking till he tires himself out, 
and lies down to rest beneath the blanket of obscurity. 

My hearers : after the following seven years for increasing what- 
ever wealth may be yours — after the next seven for hoarding it 
carefully up for the encouragement of vice and laziness in your 
progeny — after the next seven years spent in weakness, whimsi- 
calness, childishness and care, you toddle out of the world, and go 
— nobody knows where, only those who have gone before you. 
It must be an extensive place to hold the billions that have alrea- 
dy proceeded thither; the millions that are daily taking their de- 
parture, and the billions that are yet to go. But we shall all know 
somefhing about it when Time shall have given a few flaps more 
with his already wearied wings; so, let us prepare our lamps of 
hope and faith to guide us through the darkness that envelopes the 
deep valley of death. So mote it be! 



life's narrow bojxds. 
Text. — Short bo unds of life are set to mortal man. 
Mr Hr.ARERs: the term short, as applied to human life, is limited 
to no precise latitude. Life is short at the longest : n we were lo 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 7^ 

average a thousand years each in this perishing sphere, instead ol 
thirty or forty, as is now the case, v.e should then consider life as 
Bhort as a morning snooze — and, probably, not half so sweet. So 
life is most miserably short, when placed in juxtaposition with 
eternity — shorter than a rabbit's tail compared with the alvine ex- 
tremity of a sea serpent. When I think of the briefness of ex- 
istence, it puts me in mind of the shortest day in winter : man 
hardly gets up in the morning, puts on his breeches, washes hiS 
face, combs his hair, takes a look in the glass, and turns around, 
before it is time to go to bed again. So Infancy scarcely casts its 
clouts ere it linds itself arrayed in the proud attire of manhood, 
soon to assume the sober vestments of age, and quickly to don the 
pale habiliments of the grave. Thus man springs up like spar- 
row-grass, hops about like a jumper-grass, and lies down and 
dies like a johj«ny-horse — as is written in the first chapter of Je- 
yethusaleh. 

My friends : most folks are overtaken and seized by Death, 
others rashly and foolishly fling themselves into the jaws of Death, 
while others run away, abscond, absquatulate from Life, as though 
it were a hard task-master. Those who are overtaken and seized 
by Death are entitled to the honor of doing their best to avoid so 
fatal a calamity : those who bravely, but inconsiderately, rush 
within the reach of the Grim Monster, I look upon as being half- 
r.eroic and half-foolish : and those who run away from Life — com- 
mit suicide — I consider as consummate cowards. So awfully afraid 
are they of existence, that — like a man in the fifth story of a build- 
ing encompassed by fire — they throw themselves out of the world's 
window, and down they go ' all smash ' upon the pavement of per- 
dition This taking a sudden jump into eternity, like a frog into 
a mud-puddle, is doing business with too much of a jerk to suit 
my superannuated ideas of life, death and immortality. Livi 

WHILE YOU LIVE ; BUT LIVE TO LENGTHEN LIFE, is my mottO. 

Adopt it as your own — plaster it upon your hearts — solder it fast 
to your sentiments — putty it to your principles — and, like the old 
oaks ol the mountain, your trunks may become sapless with age. 
but your leaves of life will still be green. 

My hearers : the bounds set to the lif« of mortal man are truly 
short—about the same as those set for elrphants, turtles and geese : 
OP.vertheless, we may vveil tickie ourst^.ive« with the idea that Wi> 



80 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

outlive the maior part of animation. There is an insect th/it it 
born and fulfils its destiny in tlie brief space of a single hour. 
[What an existence for anything possessed of vitality, and suscep- 
tible of pain and pleasure !] Crows live ten years — rabbits, ten — 
dogs, in the country, reach fifteen or twenty; but, in cities, they 
are made into sausages ere they arrive at seven : and cats, with 
their nine lives — reckoning seven years to an existence — can't 
brag much over man concerning tlieir re.narkable longevity. But 
our days have latterly been reduced to a verry narrow space, for 
Bome ])rovidential reason or other, which it wouldn't appear mo 
dest in me to inquire into at present. I suppose, however, that if 
we were allowed to live longer than we do, there wouldn't be room 
for other folks to live. 'Come up to the bar, take a drink, fall 
back and make room for the rest,' seems to me to be the grand re- 
gulations, relative to life, as well as to taking toddy. 

JNly dear friends : what is life ? It is the twin brother of Noth- 
ing — a shade of a shadow — an empty dream — a mere name. We 
persuade ourselves that we live, and are satisfied ; but to whom 
shall it be left to say that we are not laboring under a mighty de- 
lusion ? No matter — ' Vot's the hodds so long as we are 'appy !* 
as the Cockney would say. Thafs it — so long as we can enjoy 
ourselves, it is all right. We must eat, drink, make love, and be 
merry : and if, in the end, we find that life has been short, we can 
console ourselves with the idea that its sweetness has more than 
e<i«iailed its brevity. So mote it be ! 



FALSE COURAGE. 

Text. — 0, how courageous, valian* men! 
How chicken-hearted too ! 
Youd fight a giant — yet you dare 
Not truth and right pursue. 

My Hearers : T don't know wliy it is, but you don't often find the 
flowers of both physical and moral courage flourishing upon the 
same bush of humanity. Now, you are ready and an.\ious to go 
into a bloody war, v ith all the grit and greediness of a bulldog. 
because j* »b a popular ©nej but did the dear people proclajM 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. Bl 

ag:ainst it, you would set Right, Wrong, Justice and Equity aside, 
aiiJ keep on digging your potatoes in peace, willi an imaginary 
propped of gioiy to come. You talk about having the plui'k to 
pitch into a panther! Why, you haven't courage enough to cast 
an insinuation at a mosquito. You are wanting in the very rudi- 
ments of courage. In nine times out of ten, you lack the courag«» 
to tell a simple truth ; so you sneak round the corners, and hide 
yourselves under the fence of falseliood. What is your courage '* 
You haven't the courage to take a tiger by the teeth, when you 
know that precaution, in such a case, is ' the better part of 
valor.' 

>'ou are wanting in courage when you flee from the goddess of 
Truth, ai.J seek for protection beneath the folds of Self-interest. 

You dare not pursue the right path when the wrong is consider- 
ed the most popular one. 

'\'ou dare not bid defiance to the Devil, and cut your way single* 
handed to God and everlasting glory. 

You don't possess the courage to treat with considerate contempt 
a challenge to Hght a duel. No, you are frightened into a fight . 
if you fall, the earlh hides you, and the fragrance of your virtues 
is walled away forever upon the winds of forgetful ness: if you 
live, you l.ve to rue the hour that you engaged in the deed. 

^'ou haven't the courage ^o oppose Fashion in her freaks and 
follies. You may whine at them for a while ; but, eventually, you 
yield by inches, and, finally, are found kissing her heel. 

You haven't the courage, half of you, who call yourselves boys 
MATUKKi), to pop the question at once, and bring to terms a fond, 
allectionate, loving foe, who is an enemy to your single enjoy- 
ments and arrays herself in hostile attitude against your bachelor- 
ic blisses. 

You haver t the courage to stay away from a fashionable churc'j, 
au.l pray in your own closets. 

You haven't I he courage to face a man in the street to whom 
you owe a few dollars, and say to him blandly, 'My dear friend. 
I Leliive you have a lock of my hair: and I trust you will keep 
il, lor t»IJ acquaintance sake, till fortune favors me with sufficient 
PEWTER to pay you off according to your deserts.' 

IMy dear friends : 1 give a very short sermon this morning, but 
n il aie contained seeds which, if properly planted, will produce 
6 



92 SHORT PAT£NT SERMOXS. 

an hundred fold — relaung to your happiness here, and your hopes 

of an hereafter. So mote it be ! 



ON MADNESS. 



Teat. — Some grow mad by studying much to know; 

But who grows mad by studying good to grow 1 

My Hearers : one Festus of old told the sober St. Paul that he 
was beside himself — that much learning had made him mad; but 
the good Saint, in reply to Mr. Festus, assured him that he was 
not mad, but spake the words of truth and soberness. I can't 
crowd it into my narrow belief that Paul's mental machinery was 
any ways out of kilter ; yet the fact of his asserting its soundness 
does not prove it to have been undamaged ; for who ever knew a 
crazy man that did not proclaim, and actually believe, himself to 
be as sane as you or 1 1 Paul, however, knew what he was about : 
no much learning ever drove him to distraction. He was always 
too calm, sober and philosophical to permit such a thing. An old 
friend of mine, Alexander Pope, Esq., seems to disagree with Capt. 
Festus in regard to much learning making a body mad. He shel- 
ters the opinion that a little learning kicks up more of a fuss among 
the intellectual faculties than a great deal of the article. ' It is 
your shallow draughts from the goblet of lore,' he used to say, 
' that intoxicate the brain ; take a big pull at it — one of the old- 
fashioned swigs — or let it alone.' I perfectly agree with friend 
Fope in respect to imbibing the liquor of learning. 

My friends : much study (not learning) sometimes gets the brain 
orffan out of tune ; but there is little danger of your noddles ever 
becoming deranged by excessive commendable studiousness : you 
are more likely to go mad by vainly endeavoring to study out ways 
and means to mane money and get a living without work — such 
are your sordid desires and poudrettical inclinations. I wonder 
what Nature was thinking about when she cast them, with all the 
purer ingredients, into the mould of humanity ! But my brother 
fools — those who call themselves philosophers — are too apt to un- 
dertake the investigation of matters as much beyond the reach of 
human cot prehension as the moon is above the reach of a squirt* 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. US 

^m, and about the how and the wherefore of which the Creator 
of tlie universe intended them to know no more than the blind 
mole knows about astronomy. There are simple mysteries wh.ch 
no mortal can solve; ard yet, brethren, you vviii confuse the order 
and ar'-angement of your upper stories in attempiing to unravel 
then. You never can understand how a tree grows — how the in 
visible wind can have strength sufficient to wrestle with the giant 
forest trees, and la} them fiat on their backs in less than half of a 
wag of a woman's tongue — what keeps the earth, s=un, moon and 
stars for ever rolling; and why, like us, poor, perishiiig lumps of 
locomotion, ihey don't grow the worse for wear — what makes the 
magnetic needle point to the north, and the finger of .Hope upward 
— how lightning can travel thousands of miles upo:> the tidegiaphic 
wire, in just no time at ail — why a })ig carries a siraw in his mou.h 
before a lain — and how it happens that you are so 'fearfully and 
wonderfully made.' These things you never can unriddle; ntver- 
theless, you will keep digging at them, studying at (not into) them, 
till finally your thinkers become wearied by being overtasked, and 
refuse to peilorm their functions wiih anything like ttieir wonto-i 
regularity. You have studied hard, and learned nothing afte- h'ii. 
One man goes crazy because he can't comprehend who teacht;' r.hii 
spider how to spin and to weave, while his daughters can be taugh? 
neither the one nor the other ; another, because it is impossible foi 
him to know how the hornet and the v.asp can make good brown 
paper without ever having learned the tiade; a third, because the 
mason-bee understands the making uf ni:;itar without the least in- 
stru-rtion ; and a fourth, because the hr.ney-bee is familiar with 
the principles of geometry and architecture wit.hout the knowledge 
of books or having gone abroad f .»r in.^..i,n;tl;on. 1 once k^ew a 
lunatic, my brethren, who in his parli-iLiy-lvcId moinents declared 
that what 'knocked his brains into i^i ' w?.s the endeavor to find 
out the beginning of God — how the wor.'d cculd have been made 
out of nothing— and why the devil couldn't liave been created a 
gentleman instead of a scoundrel, since the ccal of the raw mate- 
rial was precisely the same, und the man'.;facture attended with no 
greater trouble nor expense These mysteiious matters, my dear 
friends, should never bother you: what you can't unriddle, learn 
to let alone; that's the way I do when I look at a crab gojog it 
eidewise upon an overland journej *o the sea-shore. 



84 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Mv clear friends : it is impossible for you to acquire any ^reat 
amount of maJness by endeavoring to grow good; notvrithstanu- 
iug j;t;oj)le gentridly will look upon you as nOxN compos if you try 
lo be good by doing good in this fashionably- vvicked world. Vny 
no attention to what Mrs. Grimes or Mrs. Grundy nn.ay say, but 
administer the soothing syrup of sympathy to the sick — pour out 
at least half a glass of pity for the unfortunate — give as much aid 
and comfort to the poor and needy as you can righteously afford — 
be charitable, benevolent and kind to all your fellow beings — leave 
politics to the hungry fishers for office : the management of the 
wind and weather to Nature, and preaching to me ; and, if you are 
erer sent to a mad-house, it will be because you are too sober, la- 
tional and sensible to keep company with the common multitude 
of lunatics at large. So mote it be ! 



rLA!u PREACHING. 



Tjext. — On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk, 

Nor lard with Scripture my familiar talk : 

For man may pious te.\ts repeat, 
And yet religion have no inward seat. 

Mv Hearers : f suppose you have found out, by this'time, that I 
never meddle much uilli the Bible in my homespun discourses— 
never poach uj-oi. t!.e joescvfeion of gospel preachers; but, upon 
my own hoos, oera-clly free and independent, giving the truth, the 
whole ttu'.h, anil .^/rmelirj.es (to be liberah more than the truth— 
uninfluencf'i by favor, unswayed by motive, and undeterred by fear. 
This is the way \ do- -I. I:^Jyself, Dow, Jr., P. P., Paten'. Preacher, 
and F. R. S., First R^;e C'^i.Tonizer. I never lard with scripture 
my plain, fa:;'aliar lalk . oecause I don't think myself qualified to 
the task of expbji)ii)o: the hidden meanings contained in the book 
of mysteries. While others 'holler' upon religion, I hammer up- 
on molality — and I do believe that, take it in and out, altogether, 
and every way, morality operates more beneficially upon society 
thai! religion. Because why — about half the religion, nowadays, 
IS as impure as the water of a goose-pond — a counterfeit mess of 
iituii, unfit for the redemptit d of a BedouiD Arab : whereas, mo 



SHORT PATENT Si!;XMO>S. 35 

raJity is more palpable, and adm;ts of no disguise. It is plain, un- 
dssuming and unchanging — ihe saltpetre that saves a man's repu- 
tation, and the brine in which his earthly happiness is pickled. 

]\Iy friends : in my sermons, I, most generally, mean wiiat I say 
/ tell you to live virtuously, because 1 believe you will be the hap 
pier for it ) to live honestly, and you will get through the world 
smoothly; live prudently, and you will be prepared for all the lit- 
tle unexpectancies of life, that seem to rise from the ground, like 
moths and millers in the dusk of evening ; live temperately, anJ 
probably neither Death nor the Devil will catch you napping at 
the half-way house upon the high road of e.xislence. 

My hearers: endeavor to be contented with your situations till 
the time arrives for bettering them. Uneasiness wastes the body 
and undermines the health ; and the soul may easily fret itself out 
of house and home. 

If you were all to govern yourselves, the world would need but 
little governing. But man is a hog, anyhov^ — he will neither bi» 
coavsd nor driven, and yet he wants somebody to look after hiwi. 
¥".5. and woman is a hogess. 

Learn to bear disappointments cheerfully. What has nappei.ed 
can't be altered ; a bad-fitting coat may be, however — ay, the coat 
may be altered, but the fact of the tailor having m<.ae a mistake 
ran never be helped. 

Try hard to promote the happiness of others. 

If you succeed, your own happiness will be ,[,('t up sovera< 
notches. It always gives me pleasure to see evc-i a dog tjckled. 

Have a sacred regard for truth and honesty; a fond regard for 
each other; a generous regard for the diilerent )»rinciples and opi- 
nions of mankind; and a particular regard for the fair sex. Livt* 
a? you ought to live, aiid take good care not to die 'as the foul 
dieth.' So mote it be I 

The lady who sent me the biilet-ilouv c.')rr\menrii:ff v.'ith ' AV'h.i; 
is that thing we ' \\\ a kiss '■ iic is soi-.cMed to send mc aaoii-iet 
>mially as r.-ch. 



86 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

THE THREAD OF NATURE. 

Text.- INly thread is small, my thread is line, 
But he must be 
A -slronger than thee 
Who ran bitaK tnis iliiean d? mine. 

Mv Heaj<f".s : <iie thread of mystery is a fine one indeed , and yet 
:t IS so stroiig that neither a Hercu'es in sinew, nor a giant in wis- 
dom, ran snap it. There are thousands and thousands of myste- 
lious cobwebs, clustering about the dark corners of this world, 
which seem as if they might be as easily brushed away as the 
spid'ir-nets of a night; but, when you give them a brush with the 
broom of philosophy, they are still there. 

My heaiers : the thread of Nature is very delicately drawn, but 
none can rend it in twain, nor rub orf" a particle of the mysterious 
f'irze that encompasses it. Why a young duck, as soon as it 
shakes its shell from its hindermost, should take to the water, is a 
mystery. How new-born babes should know enough to draw at 
the lactescent fountain, and how the milk should happen there ex- 
actly in tjme to meet the demand, is a mystery. How tadpoles 
(incipient frogs) contrive to get rid of their tails, what become of 
iheir discarded extremities, and how their little pin-punctu'ed 
mouths jongitudinate to such awful capaciousness as they erhibif 
»n after years, is a nfiystery. Why women naturally preier the 
company of men, and men that of women, is a mystery. Why 
the tendrils of the hop-vine curl to the left, p.nd why ladies, in 
walking, look over the left shoulder to examine a dress behind 
them, is a mystery. How the invisible tilainenis of the moon fas- 
ten thunder-boits upon, and drag about the waters of the wondrous 
ueep ; what power causes the magnetic iieeJ.e to point, Lke v fin 
ger, to the pole; and why humans, with all their wis.iom and in- 
telligence, should have bestial propensities, is all a mystery 

My dear fr.ends : me ihreau oi Nature is sonitwhai tangled, as 
fccAi as siront:, and me more you pick at it, the tighter the knots 
ar-fear to become drawn. V'ou can neither unravel nor snap it- 
nnr make it different from what it is, any more than you ':aii alte.' 
ihe rays of the everlasting sun, or tarnish the eternal lustre or 
truth. Scciety may assume an outward artificial aspect; and yet 
Nature must and will take it? course. VoMr teeth were made tc 
masticate both vegetable and animal food; and Nature never will 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 87 

nllow more "han a few notionalists to live upon ' greens' entirely. 
The God ol Nature has created you male and female for a purposf 
too apparent to need explanation ; and let Shakers, monks, hermits, 
old maids and bachelors say what they may, it is your duty to get 
rr.arried. and thereby accomplish one of the most important ends 
for which you were sent into the world. Eat when you are hun- 
gry — dnnk when you are dry — sleep when you are sleepy— rest 
when you are weary — sing when you are merry — out with the 
truth before it can have time to turn to a lie— and kiss whenever 
you can. In short, follow the simple dictates of Nature in every- 
thing, and you will find far more happiness, and meet with fewer 
ills and difficulties, than by arraying yourselves in opposition U> 
her ways — which are not to be barked at. So mote it be ' 



NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE. 

Text. — E'en guides may sometimes miss their A^ay, 

Deceived by sore mischances; 
And righteous men be led astray 

By change of circumstances. 
The truest balance sometimes falls, 

E'en when 'tis best adjusted. 
And strong temptation may prevail 

'Gainst those whom most we've trusted. 

My Hi:\Ki:us : the best miss it, sometimes — I know I do myself. 
Practising at pistol-shooting the other day, at my friend's, Mr. Ot- 
tignon, I had tiie heart to endeavor to hit the heart of one ^vhom 
they call a 'man;' but I missed it. Trying again, however, I haa 
the fortune to eileci my cruel purpose ; and yel, moreover, where- 
as, nevertheless, as he hadn't the courtesy to fall, I looked upon 
him as ' no gentleman,' but a ' hard character,' and one wim 
whom neither words aoi dealings were of any avail. With all my 
self-K'liance and natui.tj confidence, I not only missed my way lor 
once, but got hold of the v/iong customer entirely. I can ' teach 
ihe young idea iicw to shoot,' a good deal better than I can do 
the shooting for it. If it only dot.*; as I fAY, it v/ill do well enough ; 
but if it always dies as I Do, the mark will sometimes be missed. 
Even guides may sometimes miss their way, rigl .y says mv text 



6S SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

\i you expect me, or any other poor but honest preacher, to gui(i# 
you along a dark and dubious world like this without getting into 
an occasional moral muJhole, you put your e.xpeclatio'is where 
they will be likely to get damaged. We can't always go right if 
we would; and, if we could, I doubt whether a hundreth of ua 
would — for it is human to err and go astray. So then man's na- 
ture must be changed before he can follow strictly the pati.' of pro- 
priety, without deviating to the right or to the left. When his God 
shall give him instinct instead of reasonfor his guide, he will walk 
siraight — but not until then. 

My friends : that virtuous men may be led astray by change of 
circumstances, is a melancholy fact. When a man becomes poor, 
and gets hard up, with big owl-eyed starvation staring at him from 
a short distance, he will turn off and go devil-ward in sj):te of all 
pious pushings to the contrary. Righteousness and roast beef are 
luxuries that he can't afford ; and so he serves Satan for something 
to season and make palateable the cold porridge of poverty. There 
is no knowing, my friends, what we might do if our circumstances 
were unfortunately to change. Destitution will sin for a sixjience, 
and Hunger and Thirst will keep themselves where they can get a 
chance, without regard to right or wrong. 

My friends: attempt to go as straight as you will, you are all 
certain, at times, to step off the moral crack. Even pastors and 
bishops do things that heaven don't like to look at; and there is 
no one living in this little round world but whose sc;:l i^ '.noro ot 
less bespotted with petty sins and insigniJicant iiiiiU'ties. The 
trues": balance may fail, no matter how well it be a.ijusted; and a 
tew intoxicating drops may sometimes lind their w.iy accidentally 
into the soda of temperance. Some temptations arc strong — very 
?trong. If they can't draw an omnibus half a mile, they are 
strong enough to snap the stoutest halter of resolution ever ivvist- 
ed by the human will. Oh, it is most amazing hanl to resist some 
of the temptations that beset us as we jotimey through life I If 
»he spirit wrestle with them, there is d.i'.^^er of ifs getiing the v/orst 
:a it. But I would have you, my friends', gi /e ihem a try in all 

'<»s ; for there i.* no tilling what might be done, since Samson 
.t»w the Philistines. Sc mote it be' 



SHORT PATENT SERafO*--? 
GOOD DEEDS SHINE. 



Text. — How far that little candle throws his beams! 
So shines a good deed in a naughty world. 

My Heare.is: you must make all due allowance for my homely 
discourses, when I tell you that I never bestow a pre-thought upon 
them. When the period arrives for putting them out, I jump up 
and HOLLER, as near to the mark as I can bring my poor faculties 
to bear. If I hit it I feel proud, ar-^ if I miss it I content myself 
with the idea that it is the lot of humanity to err at times, as the 
drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his bed-room. 
But. to my te*:t. No man, my fnends, lights a candle and puts it 
in his pocket, nor under a bushel ; but he lets it shine, that ail may 
see and be seen by it. A little candle throws its beams a good 
ways, and devours darkness equal to a million times its magnitude. 
It is seen from a long distance, and Is an object of attraction, if not 
admiration, to mankind generally, as well as to moths and millers, 
So, verily, even so, shines a good deed amid the darkness of a 
wicked world — glowing, like the will-o'-the-wisp, by the putrid 
pools of iniquity, and over the dead marshes of immorality. 

My friends: a good deed will stick out, with an inclination to 
spread, like the tail of a peacock. It is bound to shine, for a cer- 
tainty; and the more it is surrounded by vices, follies, crimes and 
ungodl} deeds, the greater is its lustre, and the more strongly is it 
admired. Good deeds are noticed and praised, even by the most 
depraved : their brightness is attractive, and their savor is sweet ; 
but evil anions, like crushed rotten eggs, siink in the nostr.l.s ol 
all — from ihe highest angel in heaven down to the lowest robbe.i 
of a hen-ro?.st. Good deeds commaxND the respect of the '.voru— 
no matter to vbom belongs the paternity, whether he wear a wlut*' 
skin, or exhibit the sooty habiliments of the Ethiopian. 80 V.r. 
tue shines, in th-i murky .atmosphere of vice, hke a little cand »•-- 
like the star 01 evcLing p'^.eping through a crevice in the cJou > 
— like the fair round moon at mi-lnight — ay, like the eterna' tu«i 
in the heavens, dispensir.g light, cheerfulness and juy to ail 

My dear friends: what are good deeds ? They are :hese : Vih.i- 
i.ig ih-i fatherless in their afflictions — those founulir.^'s, who K.-st 
t»eer» dropped by the wayside, like a duck's egg Vy a mujhole— 
Ijiving them comlort aid a few coppers, to cheer and .assist ihi'-ii 



30 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Upon their lonely and helpless career : visiting, too, the widows in 
their nielancholy moments — gently stroking them with the hand 
of sympathy, and doing your prettiest, not only to reconcile them 
'o their solitary situations, but to give them hopes of a husband to 
come : locking after the orphans, whose clambering minds need 
assistance and care, to prevent their young tendrils from clinging 
to poisonous and dangerous objects. These are all good deeds ; 
but better .still for you is to keep yourselves clear of the grease- 
spots of the world : pay all you honestly owe to your God and to 
your fellow creatures : take no unjust advantage of any man : as 
eist any one, friend or foe, in his hour of trouble : be, at all times, 
charitable, benevolent, open, frank and honest — and the lustre that 
will surround you will as much outshine the light of a little can- 
i-^Ie. as the noonday sun surpasses the feeble, phosphorescent glow 
emanating from the tail-end of a lightning-bug. So mote it be! 



LIES : INNOCENT, AND WICKED. 



Tekt. — Ye have no cause to fear — be bolde, 
For ye may here lie uncontrouled, 
And ye in this have good advauntage, 
For lyeing is your common usage. 

My Hearers : telling a lie, with a bold, brazen face, and sticking 
to it — or propping it up with a multitude of minor lies — sometimes 
helps a man along wonderfully in this world ; but, in his passage 
to the next, there is no question but they will be a dead wt^'ght 
upon him. They will so. And as for any of you, my listeners, 
ever thinking to get to heaven with a load of lies upon your con- 
sciences, you might as soon contemplate swimming through Hell- 
Gate with a grindstone in each hand. Nevertheless, it is geneial- 
Iv supposed that you can carry them to the edge of your graves, 
ui-.C there shake them off with a good repentant shake — scatter 
tJ.em to the four winds of heaven — even as a doe: scattereth the 
mud when he shaketh by the duck puddle. Verily, it is so; else 
:one can be saved — for none liveth and lieth not. Lies are neces- 
sary evils. God never would have allowed the Devil to plant so 
nany lies in the soil of T.an's moral nature, and permitted thcnj to 



SHORT PATINT SCRMOKif. f 1 

fiourish 80 extensively, were they not for some uscfu/ purpoi^e. 
When jutiiciously manage 1, they are a great help to a body, and 
will adnnil of a leetle teenty mite of justification at any rate. Yes, 
fr'ends, we all lie — everybody, from the worst to the best, lie.-s. 
Even Truth herself lies : and it is no shallow lying of hers, eithei 
— for, is it not written that ' Truth lies at the bottom of a well ]' 
Ay — and the man lied that wrote it. 

My friends : if you happen unguardedly, foolishly — I may say 
innocently — to get a small spot upon your virtue, it were better 
by all means to plaster a white lie over it, and be more careful for 
the future, than to own up and be for ever contaminated in the 
unforgi\lng eyes of a relentless world. If you accidentally upset 
another man's porridge when his back is turned, say ' 'Tvvarn't I,' 
and stick to it, because confessing the truth wouldn'J replace the 
porridge, and might produce a shedding of claret. Cain lied when 
he said he didn't know what had become of his murdered brother; 
but, as it was uttered in self-defence, no particular notice was taken 
of it. Peter lied to screen himself from the imputation of being 
in what he supposed to be bad company : yet Peter was not damn- 
ed. But Annanias and Sapphira desecrated the truth through a 
wicked design ; and they were struck dead in consequence. 
Served 'em right. And nov/, since the world is given to lying, and 
lying (as says my text) is a common usage, every one must lie 
more or less, occasionally, to keep up his end. But, before you 
lie, brethren, make up your minds to go into it strong; for a little 
call 'W fib stands but a small chance among the big, bouncing whop- 
pers that are let loose nowadays. As my friend Pope might have 
jHi I, but didn't : 

A little lying is a dangerous thing — 
Go yoiif whole length, or never make a spring. 

My dear friends: Heaven and I give you iioerty to lie just as 
niucti as you please, if you don't injure any one by it. Tf you 
eend Ur:*h a falsehood purposely for the sake of getting from an- 
other wiiiit is rightfully his own — or to breea disturbance in the 
httle faisiily oi Peace — or to soil the fair fame ot a fellow creature 
— or to cr.'Ji even a fly-speck upon the snowy vesture of Virtue — 
or to ruiile a single feather in the plume of Friendship — why I'len, 
I say. you deserve to be kicked to death by grasshopper^* and hsi] 
tfiade seven times hotter for your reception. A wicked, wiifji« 



W 8H0RT PATENT SERMONS. 

venoifjous. malicious, mal'gnant lie is the most abhornble and pol 
sdnous serpent that ever crawled among the grass, weeds and flow- 
ers of the moral world. Tt is capable of doing more injury than 
a mai' bull in Broadway; because the latter may only upset a few 
old men and women who lack the legs to get out of the way — but 
the former can ruin the best of reputations, demolish the strongest 
of characters, get an innocent man hung, and play the very trois 
in general ! The inventor of such an infamous artificialhood is 
worthy of a severer castigation than I can give ; but verily 1 say 
unto you, lliat all such shall have their part in the lake thai burn- 
eta with fire and brimstone. So mote it be ! 



LIFE S SUNNY SPOTS. 



Text. — Though, call you life a gloomy waste, 
It still hath sunny spots. 

My HEi\RERS : after looking intently awhile at heaven, through, the 
.clescope manufactured by Hope, Faith & Co., and then suddenly 
casting the eye cvpr the country that Mortality must traverse, it 
certainly looks like a dull, gloomy and dreary waste. It is like 
turning directly from the dazzling sunshi.io into a dusky cellar- 
•all is darkness for the moment — dark as an African congregation 
•n a thunder-storm; but it scon grows lighter, and we gradually 
discover that we are not in such infernal and everlasting darkness 
afle? all. It is an undeniable fact that the brightness of lie.iven 
''a<ts a silvery sheen and a golden glow upon this leaden, terres- 
*na^ mass ; yet, if we gaze long upon celestial gplenuors, our op 
\\t.f become too dimmed to behold with distinctness the bright and 
:i\v beautiful belonging to earth. Life hath many sunny spots, 
■inc) you can easily see them, if you be not purblinded witli ilie 
^i.HXzlings of a more magnificent world to come. It isn't as barren 
a* H sheep-pasture in a drought, alt. the way from Dan to Bershe- 
oa anyhow you can make it: from man's ingress to bis nr:ortal 
i'X. \ he doesn't have to continually face and buck up l'» northeast 
PIS. like the ]\larch ram in the almanac: life isn't one Ivng, cloudy 
c^V. look upoK it in the most unfavorable aspect yoa .';lioose. In 
our (Jejk'iist hours of trouble and despondency, sunshine will some 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 92 

timo^ burst upon us as suddenly as a bottle of ginger-pop. There 
are many golden threads that might be woven in tiie woof of nu- 
nian existence, if man would only take the pains to pick them up 
A!ack ! it is too true, that many of the beautifiil flowers that o:rac<' 
the margin of life's stream are lelt to bloom unnoticed — to wither 
and die, after having ' wasted their sweetness ujxni the desert air!* 
But, by the great mogul of gulls! if my brother man has a mind 
to be so foolish as to refuse the warm sunlight and court the cold 
r.orm, I shall consign him to the pity of that Piovidence, whose 

nder mercies seem sometimes to be bestowed, with a leckless ex- 
iravagance, upon objects as unworthy of a blessing as a cockroach 
in a pium-pudding. 

My hearers: 1 tell you there are many sunny spots in life — a«' 
sunny as the south side of a Methodist meeting-house. To re 
ceive a kind favor from any one in this frosty, uncharitable woil'f 
is finding a sunny spot — a gladdening oasis in a dreary desert. 
When, in a foreign land, and surrounded by sti angers, you come 
across a true friend, whose sym^nthies naturally melt and mmgle 
with your own, like beeswax and tallow, you fnid a sunnvspot — 
a cheering glade in a gloomy forest. Doing up courting — getting 
married — having a g(»od wife or husband — making up after a love 
quarrel — recovering from sickness — recovering damages — sudden- 
ly receiving in full from a dubious debtor — a little unexpected good 
iuck — or a lucky escape from a threatened attack of poverty — are 
all «unny spots. But some spots are more sunny than others: 
some are as bright as a tinned roof beneath an unclouded noonday 
Bun, while others are more like a patch of pale moonshine upon 
the sable garb of night. The sunniest spot that ever shone in my 
dull existence was the sparking of that lovely, angelic creaiure, 
Sarah Hawthorn ; but, alas! she kicked the bucket one day about 
sunset, and left 'the world to darkness and to me!' 

]\ly hearers: there are striking lights and shades in the grand 
picture of life. They are thrown in to relieve it from a monoio- 
nous tameness, which we, change-seeking mortals, could hardly 
endure. Variety we want, and variety we must have — although 
we sometimes get more cayenne and mustard than is pleasing to 
the palate. We are .satisfied wiih each different season as it roils 
round, and vihy not welcome the vicissitudes of this varying 
•jiu*»i;e 'f Nature looks pleasant an<' unlling in s]iing, while lakr 



W SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

in^ the first stitches towards her summer dress — in snin»nei she 
appears lovely, while elegantly attired from top to loe — and, lor 
my part, I avlmire her even when the rude embraces of autuinn 
have mussed her hair and rumpled her drapery. 

Now, my dear brethren, seek for sunny spots and you will find 
them ; but if, like melancholy owls, you are determined to keep 
in the old woods cf wo and misery during the day, and only covne. 
out at ni^ht to complain of the darkness — why, then, the sooner 
you are o-p-h for another world, the better it will be for you, and 
the community at large. We don't want grumblers here to cre.itt 
discord in the complete orchestra of the universe, or to mar the 
social harmony that exists ?.mong mankind. If you think there 
a;e no sunny spots for you between here and the latter end of a 
natural life, I advise you to take a shoit cut lo eternity — ana h^. 
■■jueath your old boots to me. So mote it be! 



BEAUTY OF GENTLE WORDS AND LOVING HEARTS. 

Text. — A young rose in tiie summer time 

Is beautiful to me. 
And g'or'ous the many stars 

That glimmer on the sea : 
But gentle words and loving hearts, 

And hands to clasp my own. 
Are better far than the brightest flowers, 

Or stars that ever shone ! 

Mt Hkarkrs: a young rose, growing upon the edge ot summer, 
and expanding each day more and more into the circle of one's ad- 
miraiion, is indeed a true emblem of beauty and loveliness. There 
is* somethmg about it more calculated to ar:est the attention, and 
command the love, of a wanderer in a wilderness, than ai'y other 
riower that ever bloomed in garden gay, or strove to ornament a 
desert drear. What this something is, I can't say: but certain it 
IS, let a perfect stranger to the children of Flora come across a 
voung rose in his travels, among the weeds and wild /lowers of tlie 
world, and he goes up to it. and kisses it, with all confidence in its 
modest attractions — and he finds no poison there. So the boy ap- 
proached the skunk — patted him, and called him his p'fciiy ft' 



SHORT PA.TENT SEKM0N3. 95 

oosey, because he ' stunk so sweet ;* hut, by and by, he began to 
Btink SWEETER still — and finally his ' breath smelt so strong of 
onions,' he was obliged to leave him without ceremony, consoling 
himself with the idea that he was nothing more nor less than a 
victim of misplaced confidence. But not so with the rose, my dear 
friends. It never does — like the blossoms of the doo^vvood, hem- 
lock and buttercup — allure to injure. You go up to it, instinctive- 
ly as it were, and you take a smell- -and, the more you smell, the 
more you are delighted. There is no treachery about it. It is 
true, it is guarded by ihorns to prevent its being too roughly han- 
dled — and Nature always plants a safeguard somewhere or other 
upon t'he outskirts of Beauty, Virtue and JModesty. How strong 
the resemblance between it and lovely young woman ! Like her, 
it blooms to adorn and make pleasant the apparently-dull pla'^es 
of earth. Like her, it sheds a sweetness upon the atmosphere 
around, and upon, the souls of all who come near enough to re- 
ceive it — no matter whether I have reference to the moral or intel- 
lectual fragrance emitted by the young lady, or to that which shf: 
procures at the shop of the perfumer. Like her, it gently incline? 
its head, and blushes at the earnest and admiring gaze of behold- 
ers; and as to the stem being set with thorns, I have only lo re- 
mark, that I never yet rashly and imprudently grabbed at a femi- 
nine without being pricked by more pins about the back cf hex 
frock than ought to be allowed by either civil or ecclesiastical law. 
My hearers : the stars are glorious, that glisten in the aerial 
ocean above, and glimmer upon the dark blue ocean below. They 
are the perennial blossoms of the skies ; and when the flowers of 
earth are all faded and gone — when the autumnal frosts or wintry 
snows make the landscape look sad and drear, we look up and 
find that the heavens still bloom to theer us. The stars are love- 
ly always — glorious; but, more glorious still are gentle words and 
loving hearts, and hands to kindly grasp our own with a firmness 
that speaks of friendship, ready made and unfailing, and not thac 
gort of article which so many manufacture for an occasion. Vcu 
inow, my hearers, that, without friends, the world were but a. wil- 
derness, wild and dreary, and it is for you to promote your own 
happiness, by warming each others' hearts by Gentle Words and 
L)eeds of Kindness — thereby causing the young buds of friendship: 
lo blossom with as much beauty and brightness as the new-biowz 



9t «HOR? PATENT SERMONS. 

posies of youthful love. Do away with all envy, jealousy, rnv 
uce and party strife. Have no ungentle words about poiifics. te- 
iigion, 01 law — love one another (the sex especially) — jjet married, 
and live as thougii you considered yourselves all members oi on^ 
arreat family — and the devil will soon have to shut up shop aia' 
^ive up business for the want of customers. So mote it be ! 



EATING, DRINKING AND THINKING. 

Text, — Tf a man would be dry, let him drink, drink, drink, 
If a man would be wise, let him think, think, think, 
If a man would be rich, he must work, work, work, 
If he would be fat, eat pork, pork, pork. 

But, IF 

A man with ease would study, he must eat, eat, cat, 
But little at dinner, of his meat, meat, meat; 
And a youth, to be distinguished in his art, art, art, 
jMust keep the girls away from his heart, heart, heart. 

My Hearers: to keep continually dry, always wear an oilclc.th 
dress, carry a good umbrella, and practise rum-drinking. The first 
two articles, however, are only essential in protecting the outside 
from superabundant moisture ; but the latter keeps the inside as 
dry as a stove-pipe. I never knew a drinker but was eternally 
dry — dry in all kinds of weather. He goes to bed dry, gets up 
dry, and keeps himself dry through the day. It's not to be won- 
dered at ; for how can he be otherwise than dry, v/hen he keeps 
ihfii blue blazes of hell constantly burning in his bosom, by pour- 
ing double-distilled damnation down his throat? In fact, my bre- 
thren, the drunkard is for ever dry. The more he drinKs, the dri<; 
he grows ; on his death-bed he calls for ' one more drink for the 
last.' and then goes out of the world as thirsty as though he had 
lived upon .salt codfish all the days of his life. I shouldn't m.uch 
wonder if he called for a brandy cocktail at the Bar of Judgment ; 
«ind there is no doubt but he would prefer going to Tophet to abi- 
ding in Heaven, if they only sold rum there! 

My friends : if you would be wise, you must think, think, think. 
It's a matter of doubt to me whether flighty fools or intelligent dogs 
do the most thinking. You, perhaps, think you think as much as 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 97 

th(^ ereatest of philosophers ; but the deuce of it is, what do yoj ihnk 
about, and what does it amount to 'I The gems of wisdom lie 
deeply buried, and they can be obtained oiily by great mental toil. 
Vou must dig lor tLen, Ike a dog for a woodchuck, or you don j 
get them. The beginn ng of wisdom, said my old friend Solomon, 
(and he knew a thing or two,) is the fear of the Lord — to which 
I will add : a defiance of the devil, the doctor and the sheriff'. 

My hearers: if you would be rich, you must work — work like 
/lew cider. Idleness eats big holes through one's coat, jacket and 
tiousers, and never provides means to mend them. You must 
WORK your way to wealth, or you'll never get it. By bodily and 
brainly exertion, remove every obstacle that Doubt and P'ear have 
implanted in your paths — blast, if necessary, the rock of salva- 
t'on — and you will acquire riches ; but look out that you do not 
bring a plague upon your peace, and lose your own soul at last. 

My dear friends : if you would be fat, eat pork and every other 
kiiid of adipose matter; and you will get as fat as a hog, and twice 
as stupid. 1 have nothing further to say upon this point. 

But if, my hearers, you would study with case, and have the 
mind as active as a .squirrel in a cage^ you must be careful not to 
w^'.ary the stomach with an overload of meat and vegetables. The 
brains and the belly are Dear neighbors — chum companions. 
They are so identified, that whatever afTects the one is sure to move 
the other. Fancy won't stay about the premises while a cart-load 
of roast beef and plum pudding is undergoing the process of di- 
gestion : and Imagination takes wing to get out of smelling dis- 
tance of the disgustful mass. To think clearly, you must eat lit- 
tle and stir your stumps. 

My young he friends : if you would make much headway in the 
r/orld, and arrive at any degree of proficiency m your jndertaK- 
ings, you must keep the girls away from your heart. They are 
troublesome insects, we all know ; but y( u mustn't let them bother 
you when business demands your undivided attention. Beitei 
marry them at once — commit matrimonial suicide — than allov* 
them to plague you for a moment. So niotf it le ! 



9% SHORT PATENT SERMONt. 

ON ATTRACTJON. 

Text. — Attraction is a curious power, 

That none can understand; 
Its influence is everywhere, 

In water, air and land. 
It Operates on everything — 

The sea, the tide, the weather ; 
It brings the sexes close, smack up, 

And binds them fast together. 

My Hearers : attraction is a mysterious principle in nature, where- 
by one particle or substance is drawn to, or directed towards ano- 
ther. It bears upon the immaterial as well as the material- upon 
mind as well as matter — and where or how it obtains its- power is 
yet an unsolved problem in the science of prossleology. The mag- 
netic needle naturally points to the north star, when not swayea 
by some more immediate influence ; and so our thoughts — when 
unhitched from the heavy cars of care and business, or detached 
from the lighter vehicles of earthly pleasure — are naturally at» 
tracted to a higher world than this. 

At night, especially, the imagination is called away, to gambo. 
in the golden sunlight, and gather the unfading flowers of the sw- 
rit-land. When the shades of evening darken about us, our aor- 
mant fancies begin to rise, like white-winged moths from the mea- 
dows, and revel in the starry realms of ideality. They betake 
themselves upward as naturally as chickens fly up to roost. Re- 
pulsed by the gloom and melancholy that settle upon all things btj- 
low, and attracted by the cheerfulness of the prospect above, the) 
quit the dull earth, and speed to those silvery 'sles of the blest, 
that gem the dark blue ocean of heaven — there to transplant a 
few of the mundane roses of hope, that shall bloom with immor- 
tal freshness and beauty, when the young flowers of the heart 
have all faded, and the blossoms of joy are fast dropping from the 
fair garland of life. This is all the consequence of attraction, my 
friends. When Aurora hoists the flood-gates of the morn, and in- 
undates naif the world with a deluge of glor}, attraction confines 
our thoughts to the earth ; for then terrestrial objects wear such a 
serene and lovely look, and our spirits are so lively and buoyant, 
that we feel as if we should like to stay here for ever, and dance 
Hn annual jig with old fathe Time, in commemoration of his hap- 
gy marriage wiih Eternity- 



SHOitT PATENT SERMONS. 9S 

IMy friends : you can see the effects of attraction everywhere. 
Children, like vegetables, are attracted upward in growth by the 
Bun, rain and atmosphere, till they arrive at maturity ; then the 
earth exerts a counter attraction, and they gradually bow down to 
the dust, till finally they sink into it, and disappear for ever. The 
drunkard, while reeling homeward from the doggery, is attracted 
by both sides of the street, which accounts for his diagonal move- 
ments J and the hope of a comfortable snooze in his own domicil 
ahead attracts him onward. One particular side of that fashiona- 
ble thoroughfare to ruin, called Broadway, possesses positive at- 
traction, as any one may see ; and that house, in which dwells an 
adorable and adored young damsel, contains attraction enough to 
draw a beau of two hundred pounds weight, half a mile out of the 
direct way from his boarding-house to the counting-room. There 
is a mysterious, mutual attraction between the sexes that my phi- 
losophy can't unravel. They seem bound to approximate by a law 
of nature; and human law is no more of a barrier in their way, 
than a brush fence is to a mad bull in fly-time, or a mud-puddle to 
the progress of gospel truth. You might place, my friends, a lot 
of girls in one part of the labyrinths of Egypt, and a parcel of 
fellows in another, with the most mazy and difficult windings be- 
tween — blindfold and mouth-gag them all and leave them to them- 
selves — and, my word for it, you would find them all in a heap in 
less than twenty minutes ! Such is the marvellous power of at- 
traction. It operates, as my text says, upon ever} thing — the sea, 
the tides, the weather ; but more palpable are its workings upon 
the he's and she's of humanity. They will get together, as natu- 
rally as seeds of allspice floating in a barrel of hot rum. His in- 
fluence upon a couple of lovers is at first gradual and almost im 
perceptible ; but watch them, and you will find that they keep 
Hearing each other by hitches, with increased warmth and veloci- 
ty, till, at length, they are brought ' smack up ' at the altar of Hy- 
men, and fastened together for life — close-rivetted, double-pegged 
and back-stitched — so firmly adhered to one another, that no mor- 
tal hath power to rip them asunder. Then, as they twain are one 
flesh, the husband has a perfect right to flog his wife as an atone- 
ment for his own sins, and she the privilege of pulling his hair for 
whatever errors she may commit. Surely, the married are favored 
With Jibeities and comforts whi'h the un wedded never can enjoy! 



100 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Now, my dear friends, I want you to let those tl.ings influence 
you the most that are the most attractive n themselves; those are 
virtue, love, benevolence, morality, justice and truth. Let these be 
your objects of admiration through life, and you will lap up large 
quantities of consolation from the broad platters of peace, amid the 
'.rials and tribulations of a vexing world. So mote it be 



ILLS IN man's estate. 



TiXT.— Though trouble springs not from the dust, 

Nor sorrow from the ground, 
Vet ills on ills, by heaven's decree, 

In man's estate are found. 
As sparks in close succession rise, 

So man, the child of wo. 
Is doomed to endless care and toils, 

Through all his life below. 

My Heaa^. s : trouble, generally speaking, doeo noi spun^ from 
the dust , d.i» J yet I have known that element to produce it in large 
quantities. I drive on the third avenue of a dry afternoon, with a 
eIow horse and a fast woman, which will attest the fact — for, to 
be covered with dust and indignity produces feelings that cause 
the ants of trouble to crawl about the heart in a most industrious 
manner. Carry superfluous dust upon your shoes into a parlor 
causes trouble to the lady of the house — i^nd kicking up a dust at 
a politi«^al caucus creates troubles enough to dim the fair prospect 
of an election. Mosquitoes, fleas and bedbugs are troubles thai 
try both the flesh and the spirit, which, if they don't spring from 
the dust, are generated by mud and filth, its first cousins. So you 
perceive, my friends, that troubles, despite the text, do sometimes 
originate from dust j and, since it is our lot to be disturbed by them, 
we must endeavor to bear them with as jrood a face as possible — 
ay, as philosophers while submitting to a tooth-pulling operation. 
My hearers : Sorrow also arises from the ground : the tares in 
cur wheat fields cause sorrow to many — the miasmas bred by 
swamps are sources of sickness and sorrow to more — and the sor- 
rows that came from the ground upon Egypt of old were a sore 
trial for thousands. But, my dear hearers- thsse are nothing to tbi 



fHORT PATENT SERMONS. lOl 

ills sprinkled upon us from the hand of heaven. These fall so 
r>^ickly around us, that to attempt to escape them w^re like dodg- 
ino: between the rain-drops of a summer shower. When 1 think 
of the multiplied, multifarious and muhiiudinous ills that lie in wail 
for u& all, I can't help wondering how so many as there do con 
trive to reach the summit of life's hill, comparatively unscratched. 
Head-aches, corn-aches, tooth-aches, bel — stomach-aches, sores, 
wounds, bruises, gout, rheumatism, cramps, spasms, convulsions, 
wens, corns, cancers, consumption, a choice variety of fevers, and 
hosts of other bodily complaints, render the road of existence a 
rough one at the best. Then inwardly we have care, that pricks 
the bosom with its porcupine quills — grief, that soaks and dis- 
solves India rubber — sorrow, that flings deep and gloomy shadows 
along the once bright vista of memory — disappointment, that em- 
bitters the sweet cup of anticipation — doubt, that keeps the mind 
in a fog, and plucks many a feather from the wings of Hope — aivJ 
rtespair, that wraps the soul in midniehl darkness, thick enough to 
work at with a pickaxe and spade. 

Such, my friends, are a few of the ills that abound in man's es- 
tate. They spring up around him as sparks in close succession 
rist', and no sooner is one extinguished than another makes itself 
distinguished. [I was attacked and almost assassinated, last night, 
iy a ferocious bedbug ; but, as he was without accessories, I even- 
tually managed to dispatch him.] But, as 1 have said before, and 
to speak superlatively, the best way fcr us to do is to face liicm 
courageously — put up with their petty annoyances, and defend 
ourselves as well as we can from their fatal stabs. However, 
since we are born of womiin, we must expect that our days will 
be few and full of trouble : for, by woman's sin came death into 
the world, with all its preliminary arrangements, and by her truus- 
gvession, the primitive poison still circulates in the veins of jioste- 
rity. Since then, the fountain of humanity was rendered corrupt 
by the power of the devil and the weakness of woman, we must 
expect that the whole waters of our lives will be n^ore or less 
muddy. Physical ills, as well as mental diseases, will attack us 
in dreadful array, down to the generation that shall bare its bosom 
to the general Judgment. Moral infirmities will continue to in- 
create with the growth of wealth, fashion and refinement: these 
will beget bodily ailments; and careful ills will produce an un 



102 SHORT PATKNT SERMONS. 

lualthy action of the mental and intellectual organs. Such a diro- 
fully downward progress must certainly, if continued eventuate In 
the destruction of all that inh.il)it the earth. As for me, myself, 
I give uj) all fur lost; but the saving power of Providence, and 
what little is left of moral saltpetre, niay yet wonderfully elleci a 
salvation — which is ardently to be hoped for, but very little ex- 
pected. Ho mote it be ! 



TAKE MY ADVICE. 



TjiiXT. — I would not have you follow me 
'J'hrough mud, or on the ice; 
But you, with perfect safety, friends, 
Can follow my advice. 

Mr Hearers: if you were always to tread directly in my foot 
Bte|)«, or in those of the most pious pilgrims upon earth, you would 
put you I feel in more muddy 6])ots, and get more dirt upon your 
soles, than you may at present imagine; and occasionally, too, find 
yourselves upon places slippery enough to upset a cat, or turn a 
tortoise upon his back. You have no business, brethren, to trou- 
ble yourselves, after I have dismissed you for the Sunday, as to 
where I go- -what I have for dinner, and whether I "^ay grace or 
something cInc over it — liow I spend the evening, and at what hour 
1 conmience courting the goddess Sleep. This is all my concern 
— not yours; anil you have no more right to meddle with the mat- 
ter than 1 have lo inquire why certain angels had not more res])ect 
for themselves than to be seen in such a wicked city as Sodom. I 
lay down to you the nioral law, with all the noise and earnestness 
of an au'jtioneer (as you may see by my figure-head), and give 
you friendly counsel, si)ijed with good humor, if not sugared with 
sincerity. lve(Jeive or reject — either way, I care no more about it 
than a rose or a skunk of the perfume it sheds for all. 

But listen, my friends, to what I am about to say. Keep out of 
debt, by ])rudence and economy ; keep out of law, by acting hon- 
e^tlv towar.ls one another; keep out of pt>verty, by sobriety and 
indiisliy; get out of love as soon as possible, oy marrying; and 
gei ou' ol" the deviTs reach, by getting behind any back. — lie's 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 10 

afraid of me since I last gave him Zachy over upon WinJ-whistlt 
Island. It was a pretty tough scratch, though ; for you wcmld 
hardly have known, at one time, which to bet upon — the devil or 
Dow, Jr. 

When you go a-fishing, brethren, in the waters of love, in the 
hopes of catching something to ' help make a meal,' prepare your- 
selves before you start in as take-in a manner as possible. ThroM 
out a pleasing bait of deception, and you are bound to get a bite; 
and perhaps get bitten — in the end. Beware of ale-wives ; they 
aie not so good as they look to be — neither is a ' stir-gin ' — but get 
something that you think you could enjoy for ever. Then, when 
you have entered upon the matrimonial slate, your success in the 
piscatory way will be certain ; for, whenever you go out for a 
shiner, just inform the fond partner of your bosom of the fact, and 
you are sure to — catch it. That's all about fishing. 

When you pray, don't ' holler' as if heaven were hard of hear- 
ing — it sounds too much like hollow pretension ; and besides, it is 
enough to make Providence turn a deaf ear to every earthly orison. 
Don't pray with too much spirit, for too much spirit is worse than 
too little; but if the spirit that is within you (excuse me) moveth 
you to pray, pray humbly (for the Excise Law) and you will be 
heard much sooner than by making a great bluster about it. Gen- 
tly, brethren, gently in all things ! 

Take good care of that jewel of the soul, Reputation. When 
once dropped into the sea of disgrace, it is lost for ever; and you 
might as well whistle as to whine about it. I don't know but you 
who have no reputations to lose are the best off; for then 8lai\der 
has nothing to feed upon, and you can do pretty much as you like, 
unscandalized, un-church-mauled, and even unnoticed — excepting, 
of course, violating the laws of the land and common decency. 

Husbands, love your wives: wives, be afTectionate to your hus- 
bands: boys, love the girls; girls, don't be afraid of the boys: old 
bachelors, try to get married: old maids, be ye comforted : widows, 
let me comfort ye. 

There are two ways to skin a cat, and two ways to win a heart; 
two ways to put on a shirt, and two ways to make a shift; two 
^avs to tell a story, and two ways to bestow charity ; half a do- 
zen ways to destruction, but only one way to heaven — and that 
^ay is as much nai rower than Theatre Alley as a sheep-path is 



104 SHORT PATENT SERMOW8. 

narrower than the Third Avenue. I fear some of you. hrcthrcT- 
^la^J as slim a chance of hnding it a.s a pooJ!e-dog woiilJ a iox» 
track. 

it is said that there is ' a good tinne coming,' but it has sat down 
to rest on the road. I am afraid it will get ^ompletc-ly fagged out 
before it reaches us. There has always been 'a good time coming' 
einoe Kden was an apple-orchard ; and il will cont.nue to be coming 
till it gets here. When that will be, Gracious Goodness and Ho 
race Greeley only know. 

Brethren : you must not always refuse to believe things that you 
can't understand; for there are many facts shrouded in mystery. 
You know there is magnetism between matter and matter, but you 
don't know the principle of it ! so there may be magnetism be- 
tween mind and mind — between heaven and earth — between God 
and man. You can't tell why a he and a she mutually attract 
each other, like a couple of magnets — why the birds mate — wiiy 
the flowers are created male and female — and why a mother thinka 
more of her own ugly brat than of the most beautiful bantling 
tiver borne by another. These are mysterious facts; but what is 
a greater mystery still is, that Eternity doesn't overflow with the 
everlasting influx of human souls. I am inclined to thi/ik that it 
leaks somewhere. 

My hearers: manage to get on smoothly through time, and yoj 
will do well enough in eternity. So mote it be ! 

Notice. — I am requested to state that, besides the grand sacred 
concert at Castle Garden, this evening, there will be one also at 
Pinteux's, in Broadway. Best of liquors at sixpence a glass — but 
little smoking allowed. 

Due notice will be given a/ the next dog fight in the Bowery. 



THE EFFECTS OF PROSPERITY. 



Text. — The fishermen that walk upon the beach 

Appear like mice ; and yon tall arching bark 
Diminished to her cock ; her cock, a buoy 
Almost too small for sight. 

My Hearers: as you get up in the world, how everything beif»w 
appears to diminish in size and significance ! Men, that weie be- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 105 

fore rPirn taller in talent and stature, and hig^her in station than 
yourselves, sm'denly dwindle to pigmies, to whom Tom Thumb 
were a monstrous giant, and upon whom you look down as so 
many contemptible mice, capering about without any specific aim 
or end Mighty Colossuses you are, bestriding a narrow woihl, 
while we petty ir.en walk under and between your large legs ! Hut 
your greatness is more than half imaginary — your exalted position 
an ideal one. Because we look small to you, you take it for 
graiited that you look large to us; nay, that you actually are 
whales among minnows — eagles among ground-sparrows — that 
your elevated situations must command respect, if not reverence, 
from such common trash as we, whose praise and favor you reck- 
on as heaps of gold, but whose society you shun as so much 
poudrette. 

My friends : it is remarkable what a boost the sudden possession 
of a few dollars can give to a chap. He immed ately fancies him- 
self raised to about six thousand feet above mankind in general; 
and not only do fishermen, that walk upon the beach, appear like 
mice to him, but also statesmen, lawyers and politicians, that are 
scrambling up the hill-side of notoriety. There he sits, wrapped 
in a warm robe of pride, lined with the silk velvet of vanity, and 
casting frosty fiowns upon hard-fisted Honesty. Yet, notwith 
standing, he feels that, at every step he takes, his high hand 
knocks out a star in heaven, he finally comes to the conclusion 
that he has been treading but air, after all; and that he must fiud 
his level at last with the paltriest specimens of humanity. Dollurs 
can't save him from Death. But he may suddenly lose his dollars 
when in the very zenith of his golden glory. Then down he 
drops, litxe the stick of a rocket, in darkness and unnoticed. Oh! 
he piteously exclaims then, as did one of old, Why was I raised 
the master of the world, hung in the skies, and blazing as I travel- 
led, till all my fires were spent; and then cast downward, to be 
trod out by jackasses ! Yes, my friends, why was he so raiseJ by 
the almighty dollar half-way to heaven, to pitch headlong to earth, 
ana lie there all splattered, like a pan of spilt pumpkin-sauce ? — 
thai is the question. Why, it was in order that he might, in his 
pride, ejaculate: The world knows only two — thafs Rome and 1 
— and to convi'ice him that it was possible for 'Rome and 1' lo 
fall together. 



106 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

My hearers: because a little unexpected prosperity has enabieri 
you to perform a grasshopper jump, do you imag ne that you have 
soared half a mile above others, who have attained a higher emi« 
nence, without any such galvanic upstartings '? No doubt of it . 
but you are sadly deceived. So a hen, that could reach the top oi 
a church-spire from a ground-squat, might fancy herself a conspi- 
cuous somebody in the eyes of the world ; but the noble eagle, 
whose heavenly soarings are not the result of any adventitious cir* 
cumstanre, majestically sails aloft, without condescending to con- 
eider whether said hen were really an exalted somebody, or merely 
a miserable, self-inflated nobody. Oh ! it breeds vermin in my 
heart, and my bosom seems to swarm with pismires, to think what 
ninnies you sometimes make of yourselves ! You get a little mo- 
ney, and then go striding and stamping about with your high- 
heeled boots, as though kinga and emperors were but clod-worms 
beneath your feet ! You mount the political rostrum, blow off a 
quantity of pretended patriotic gas, and you are almost as big a 
man as Mr. Presidont of the Union 1 You scribble a few newspa- 
per paragraphs, and ycu are Sir Oracle of the world ! — or you may 
write a play ' most tolerable, and not to be endured ' for more than 
two nights, and you look back upon Shakspere as an individual 
of some little talent, and a small speck of genius ? 0, you blad- 
ders of pride and vanity ! — why don't you wear your honors — 
when you get them — v/ith as much grace and humility as I do 1 
I have, as you all know, the reputation of being the most extra- 
ordinary preacher in the world ] but the world can't make me be- 
lieve it. I eat my crust and drink my beer with the same careless 
unconcern as when I dug potatoes between Barre and Belcher- 
town. Were I to be raised to the highest pinnacle of popularity, 
f should see no pigmies below me — nothing but men and women ; 
and the majority of them more deserving of honor and the public's 
sunny favor than my humble self. In short, as I ascend towards 
the heaven of notoriety, I can't help thinking — as thought VVolsey 
of yore — and so you all should think as you go up — that ' I shall 
iall, lixe a bright exhalation in the evening, and no mah see m-" 
more.' So m'^te it be! 



•HORT PATENT SERMONS 10* 

THE ttILD DAYS OF AUTUMN. 

TxxT. — And now when comes the calm mild day, 

As still such days will come, 
To call the squirrel and the bee 

From out their wintry home, — 
When the sound of dropping nuts is heard, 

Though all the trees are still, 
And twinkle in the smoky light 

The waters of the rill — 
The south wind searches for the flowers 

'Whose fragrance late he bore, 
And sighs to find them in the wood 

i^nd by the stream no more. 

My Hearers : once more the mild, mellow, golden, crimsony; 
bluey, purpley, brassy light of Autumn is shedding upon us. It 
seems as though all the bright glories of summer had been simmer- 
ed to a syrup, and set before us upon one broad, expansive platter. 
The roses, -daffodils, pinks, cowslips, violets, blue-bells, and butter- 
cups have departed as the butterfly beauties of a dream ; but the 
essence of all their loveliness is seen glowing upon the sunset 
cloud, and in the dolphin-like dying foliage of the forest. So. 
after death, will your virtues shine in heaven, and your good deed,? 
hold a place in the memory of future generations, provided they 
are not too much amalgamated with the vicious accumulations of 
a filthy and avaricious world. 

My friends: these calm October and November days are beauti- 
ful — solemnly beautiful. They are as mild as the terminus of a 
christian's earthly career, and as eloquent with silent language as 
the eyes of young Love in a deaf and dumb asylum. There is a 
sacred stillness in the blue-domed temple of Nature that reaches 
the heart, and serves as an oil of peace to its turbulent waters. 
The summer birds have ceased their merry songs — the zephyrs 
sieal gently through the fading groves, and softly whisper of that 
decay to which all things fair are doomed — the angel of tianquil- 
iity watches at the death- bed of the frail children of Flora — a 
wilhere ■ leaf lightly flickers down as a pall upon the bier of each 
lallen blossom, and a lone cricket chirps a dirge for the lovely, the 
loved and the lost. Thcigh pensively, yet all is delightfully 
peaceful and q^iiet, in this sweet sabbath of the year. The waters 
of each distan'' river and rill twinkle, with a silvery sheen, in lh« 



108 SHORT PATENT SFRMONS. 

Bmoky light that gauzes the vale, and yonder hills wear a placid 
smile, as if mightily pleased with their new-donned bonnets of 
blue. There is very little music heard now in the forests, nelds, 
meals and orchards. The blue-bird, bobolink, thrush, robin and 
martin have ceased to tune their merry pipes, and now pause tn 
consider upon the thought-breeding change that has so stealthi.'y 
slid upon them. They don't know what to make of it; so they 
are mum — but meanwhile they are making up their minds to ruo- 
sey. The squirrel cocks up his bushy tail and scolds as he scam- 
pers over the green lichens that yet weave a carpet for his tjny 
feet — the grasshopper kicks over a dried leaf, in his last c-jua ul- 
sive jump, and imagines that he has upset an empire — the poor 
belated butterfly flits about, like a restless spirit, in search oJ those 
summer enjoyments that yesterday were, but to-day are no more 
— a disconsolate-looking caterpillar lets himself down to the sod. 
■vrith a gossamer cord, and, with a twist and a wriggle, bids good- 
bye for ever to the pleasures of the pear-tree — the last harsh mur- 
murs of the Katydid grate horribly upon ' the dull ear of night' — 
the nocturnal concerts of Mons. Froggie are over for the season — 
an old bachelor of a woodpecker runs up a bill for his grub, and 
says nothing to nobody- emblematical bats dart about in the dusky 
twilight — solemn owls give their monotonous hooh-hoes at the 
niidnight hour, as if in ridiculing mockery of the fleeting meteors 
that preach volumes of the evanescence and transitory nature of 
all that is bright and beautiful. And the South-wind comes, as my 
text intimates, upon a fruitless search for the flowers, whose fai4- 
cheeks he was wont to kiss: he wanders over every field, roams 
through every garden, looks by the margin of each stream, and 
sighs to find them consigned to one common tomb. The only 
flowers he can discover are those that flourish among the hair and 
on the hats of our fashionable belles; but the living freshness and 
delightful fragrance are wanting — and, consequently, he cares no 
more about them than a honey-bee for the artincial roses that 
bloom upon the pallid cheek of vice. 

My hearers : amid all this autumnal stillness, you can «carcely 
help reflecting upon what you are, and to what you must shortly 
come. You must feel that the dark, cold w inter of life will soon 
he here — that hoar frosts are about to fall upon the full-blown 
flowers of the heart —and that the tree of manhood will quickly 



# 



iHORT PATENT SERMONS. 109 

cast its gretfi foliae^e to the ground ; but, ere that foliage shall fall, 
I trust It will assume a go'-len hue, that shaM grow brighter at 
last, in the warm, mellow light of heavenly hope and fajth. kSo 
ir.ote It be ! 



PiriLOSOrHICAL QUESTIONS. 



Text.— Why doth the violet spring 
Unseen by human eye 1 
Why do the radiant seasons bring 

Sweet thoughts that quickly fly? 
Why do our fond hearts chng 
To things that die ] 

Mr Hearers : as to the fipst question, Why doth the violet spring 
unseen by human eye?, I can only answer, in vulgar phraseology, 
*lt's a way it's got' — or, more properly speaking, it is owing to 
the mysterious ways of Nature, which neither you nor 1 can any 
easier unriddle than an arithmetician can untangle a spider's web 
according to the rules of algebra. There is many a flower, as my 
friend Grey says, that is born to blush unseen, and waste its sweet- 
ness on the desert air, like sweet Ellen Thompson who lives in the 
vale. If you travel all over this curiously-contrived globe of ours, 
yoi; will find that, upon the most barren heath, in the gloomiest oi 
solitudes, and in the uiitracked wilderness, every here and there a 
little flower is lifting its lonely head, and pouring out, as it were, 
its perfumed soul in praises to the God that made it. And jo it is 
with those lovely flowers that adorn the great circle of humanity 
•—the damsels. You will find some of the most beautiful of this 
special floral family budding, blooming, fading, and going to seed, 
by the country road-side, untouched, unplucked, and unsmelt of: 
whereas, were they planted and reared in the hotbeds and green- 
houses of a city like Gotham, they would not only be admired by 
thousands, but soon gathered by the hand of Hymen, and their 
stems in&erted in the vase of matrimony. It matters not whethei 
a young damsel have wealth or internal attractions: so long as she 
has beauty, and flourishes among men, hundreds will do her hom- 
age, and bend the knee in worship of her charms. Man, my Lre- 
luren, is a perfect Dag lerrButype apparatus. His optics art ih« 



no SHOUT PATENT SERMONS. 

lenses, and his heart is the plate upon which the portiait is lepre 
seated ; and when, in the light of love, the picture of a pretty giil 
is received thereon, he can no more obliterate the enchantin*^ image 
than a shadow can be scoured from a wall with soap-suds, sand 
and a corn-cob. 

INIy dear friends: ' The dark unfathomed caves of ocean' con- 
tain many a brilliant gem that is for ever lost to the world. So it 
J8 with the gems of genius. Many and many of them lie buried 
in the vale of obscurity, which no one digs for, and not having 
the power to assist themselves, they remain valueless in the bow- 
sis of the earth. Most of you have a genius for something; but, 
jn consequence of obstreperous fortune, you are kept under, and 
stand no more chance of exhibiting your brilliancy than the sun 
that happens to rise upon a rainy day. By proper encouragement, 
even a boot-black is bound to shine in his profession ; and I do 
Bay that a painter of wheelbarrows may become, with a little pub- 
lic fostering, a painter of portraits, and rank himself among the 
first artists of the day, as thought the monkey when he dipped hid 
tail in a paint-pot. 

My dear friends: the second division of my discourse inquires, 
Why do the radiant seasons bring sweet thoughts that quickly 
lly V We are at a loss to conjecture exactly how all this is; and 
yet we do know that we welcome every approaching season with 
joy and gladness. In spring, we are delighted with the returning 
tokens of life and animation. The early notes of the sweet war- 
blers of the groves inspire our souls, and seem to awaken us to a 
new -nd youthtul existence. The summer comes to us covered 
with bloom and beauty — autumn infuses a calmness into our bo- 
soms, that quickly gathers upon the surface, like cream upon a 
placid pan of milk — and winter, with all its icy coldness, is as 
warmly received as a whiskey toddy with the thermometer down 
to zero. 

My hearers : the text which I have chosen ends with this inter- 
rogation, ' Why do our fond hearts cling to things that die ]' Is 
It because there is nothing beautiful and lovely upon earth but is 
subject to decay; and the affections of the heart, like tendnli. 
must lean to some particular object, inasmuch as they were nevei 
-ntended to flourish alone. The ivy often is found to cling to old 
aud sapless uunks—pea-vines seem to hug with a peculiar for.j. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. lU 

nei- v»bRtever objects are within their reach — lovers are just as 
liable to lean upon broken staves as they are to rest against the 
pillars cf patience, faith and fortitude — and you all, my friends, 
are more ivaturally inclined to place )'our affections upon the per 
ishing things of earth, than to even form a liking for that which 
nas power to secure the soul's eternal salvation. Heaven being 
a foreign country, some of its products are well worth paying the 
duty upon them ; and if you think you can get along without 
them, yc'i will find in the end that you have gained nothing more 
nci Jess than a remarkably heavy loss. As far, however, as 1 am 
persoiipil/ concerned, my dearly-beloved brethren, you may all go 
to the -'eyil : but^ for your own sakes, act honestly, wisely, righ- 
teoucly ?nd considerately, that you may be well prepared for that 
9L\si'ul •^">d uncertain hereafter that awaits us all. So mote it be ! 



MAN NOT MADE TO MOURN. 



Ykxt. — There is a voice which haunts mo still, 

Where'er on earth I be — 
[n lonely vale, on lofty hill. 

And on the distant sea : 
I hear it in the silent night. 

And at the break of morn ; 
And aye it crietli — dark or light — 

Man was not made to mourn ! 

yi^ I-'earers : what do you suppose this still, small voice ib, 
that haunts me wherever I go— excepting it be through some of 
the mudhdes of misery of Gotham ■? Why it is Nature whisper- 
ing with a calm smile upon her phiz, that man was not nr.ade to 
mourn, notwithstanding the Bard of Ploughshare's sentiments on 
the all-important subject. No, brethren, man was made to laugh, 
love, enjoy himself, and dig potatoes, to the glory of the Creator. 
Yet how many lazy, mildewed mortals there are, who sit-down in 
the shade of melancholy to mourn over misfortunes of their owm 
breedir^g ! There they sit, and sit, and sit ; looking at all that la 
bright and lovely with a yellow, jaundiced vision — nursing des- 
pair, and determined on being for ever miserable; and as for en- 
ticing them into habiU of industry, with a promise of a happ) 



112 SHORT rATT>T ^CH.HOKS. 

compensation, you might as soop iWk of getvir.5 a hairel of old 
cider to work by placing a dollar at IIh I'lng-hob. Mourn they 
tMist — mourn lliey will ; and this, too "i a country like ours I — 
v.'Iifre there is so much elbow-room for amSi*ion — where all a man 
h'-r, tc do is to take courage and a shovel, a'ul di^ his way to ho- 
ii?r ftiid wealth — and where, by tne aid of ishh and a few Irish- 
men., such almighty big mountains can be moved ! Oh ! it is a sia 
and a shame that man should mourn, where there is nothing unde^ 
the curtain of heaven to prevent his laughing, sirg'Pg, dancing 
and being as merry as a cricket in the chimney corner ! 

My dear friends: all nature proclaims that nothing was made t* 
nioijin. The bright-faced sun — the calm, silvery moon, and X\w 
glili ring stars — all sing together of this grand truth in onj uiicea 
r.ing 3ong, and echoing earth answers to their sweet strains. If 
the vorld were intended for a house ?f mourning, every f?o\ve 
w.-uld be painted black — every bird would be a crow or a bLr^ic 
'>ird — everybody would be born a negro — the ocean would b? * 
■'ast ink-pol — a black veil be diawn ever the face of heaven — arv^ 
-m everlasting string of crape hung abound the borders of creation. 
A''hen I look aiiroad and see how brl-ht and cheerful is the gene- 
ral aspect of tnings — how Earth exults in her joyous spring-time 
—how glorious in the pride of her summerhood — and how calm- 
ly, smilingly beautiful n her autumna'. decay — I am bound to the 
conclusion that nothing upon God's green-cushioned footstool was 
e< .r intended to mourn. It is natr.ril for us sometimes to indulge 
in dull, mush-and-milky meditation, :\:id to encourage cold and 
blood-curdling fancies, or listen fearfully to the tread of some har- 
bi..;~»jr of evil, whose footste^ :? '"all with a rustling sound among 
tur pered flowers of hope, like those of the angel of Death 
among the frost-faded leaves of I^ovember ; but I do a^-serl, from 
ihe nether extremity of my heart, that man was no more made tc 
j,o prowling and mourning through the world, than a canary bird 
was created to sing at a Methodist meeting 

My dear friends : it is ' man's inhumanity to man,' and man'a 
inhumanity to himself, that cause so much mourning. The dread- 
/ui carnage of war causes thousands to mourn the loss of sires, 
Gons, -elatives and friends, who immolate themselves upon iheii 
country's altar, but whose valiant lives are worth more than all 
\he wealth n\ .th« mineb of Mexico. Millions groau uudet th«; iron 



SHORT PATEN? SERMONS. 113 

hand of oppression; and as many more under the mcu'.us of lazi- 
ness, who moan and sigh to think that dollars don't roll at their 
'eet. and that the sun of prosperity won't shine in their dark den 
CI siuj^gishness. Let war be avoided as far as possible — palsied be 
•.he oppressoi's arm — and flea-besieged be he, I say, who is too 
azy to move when lie linds a nest of young mice in his hair, and 
CTiiders weaving their webs over his shirt-bosom. I tell you again, 
niy brethren, you were never made to stand still and moan, like a 
ir.c ji'taiii pine in the hollow m.idni^'.t winJ. You were intended 
to push ahead and keep stirring, like a busy barkeeper: to be jolly, 
gay, lively — always in as good spirits as a fly in a bottle of old 
Jamaica : to laugh at care, snap your fingers at sorrow : and tc 
v/histle when beset by the myriads of petty ills that so constantly 
are seeking to annoy mankind. So mote it be ! 



A ROUGH world: A SAD LIFE. 

Text. — The world js rough and dreary, 
And life is sad and weary. 

'isi\ Hearf.rs: there is no use in talking about getting along 
smoothly all the way through this world : foi such a thing is im- 
possible for man, monkey or mouse. The places that seem the 
emocthest are the slipperiest ; and, when you think yon are sliding 
al.ing so very pretty ar.d safe, you may be brought to a horizontal 
'n t!ie twinkling of a bed-post. Whoso standeth, let him take 
heed lost he fall, and whoso rideth, let him look out (in these r^- 
Tolutionary limes) lest he be thrown. That the natural world is 
ro-.i!^h, we a!l know. It hath its mountains, hills, swamps and 
iniu>hes, and man can't smooth them, let him do his best, or bis 
nastiest: and as for the social worhl, it is as rough as the back cf 
a hedjfi.-hog, unless you can make it smooth by hypocritical polish- 
ing, giiiing, or silver-washing. But all this won't v.car — the base 
n t'.ai wjI! show itself almost too prematurely for self-satisfaction. 
'i lie world we live in is a rough one, anyhow. Ry its revolutions 
v»e are jolted and jostled about, like passengers over a corduroy 
road in Ohio. Every turn upon its axis knocks men, matters and 
'Jiuigs out of their proper places ; and I have known even jciNGt 
8 



114 SHORT PATENT SKRMOMS. 

10 be tumbled from their thrones, as if by soma sudden jerk of 
Nature. 

My friends : this world ie not only a rough, but a dreary, one. 
ft is a vast wilderness, in which we mortals are doo^ned to wander 
m doubt, trouble, care and uncertainty. It is true that busy Fancy 
brings us many a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and that Imagina- 
tion sometimes converts a goose-pasture into a perfect paradist; 
but, alas ! how untimely seem to fall the frosts of stern Ptcaiity 1 
In a moment, every ideal blossom, is v/ithered — the most promising 
buds of hope are blighted, and the world is a wild and dreary 
waste agam. Thank God, however, that, although we are sur- 
rounded by gloomy woods and forbidding forests, we can always 
lock up and catch glimpses of heaven. Yes, brethren, there is a 
light kept burning above, to cheer our pathway to the tomb — to 
assist us ^ver the rough and slippery places of earth, an^l to ena- 
ble us to see our way clear to the ferry between Time and Eterni- 
ty When a mortal first sets out upon the journey of existence, 
he says to himself that the world must aflord him a glorious treat; 
but, when tired, care-worn and weary, he lays himself down for a 
comfortable nap in the grave, he gapes, stretches, sighs and feebly 
exclaims: ' It is a glorious humbug, after all!' Verily, friends, 
this orb of ours is a dark, rough and dreary one ; and. if you won't 
harbor the hope of a better, you may go to Beelzebub in despair — 
and I will give you a posterior shove to facilitate your progress. 

My dear friends : that life is sad and weary, may be accounted 
for by reasons too numerous to enumerate. If you don't have any 
work to do, you get dull, lazy, peevish, cross and miserable : if 
you have merely enough to occupy your time, you think it a ter- 
:ible drudge — that you are burdened with more than any other 
jackp.ss can bear; and, if you happen to find yourselves in easy 
circumstances, you imagine it hard work to look after them, 
'Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn,' 
truly remarked my friend the Bard of Ploughshare ; and yet man's 
inhumanity to himself is the cause of a vast deal more mischief. 
As brother Beadle says, he won't do nothing, if he can't help it, 
but bellow for assistance ; and, let fortune favor him with millions, 
still he is as mercenary and miserable as ever. He may live poor, 
but die rich ; and this reminds me of a passage in scripture, which 
saj-^is, that it is easier for an elephant to crawl into a woodchuck'i 



SHvORT PATENT SERMONS 115 

holt} than for a rich man to smuggle any of h's earthly tffects into 
heaven. Life, ihou^l!., !o all is more or e-s wearsome. Time 
/laps its leaden wiiig^ 1:1-6 a sea-<^ull over discontent d waters — 
(lays Ciawl away with a snail-like [)ace, notwithstanJing }c-ars \oV 
round in rapid succession. Yet there are otlier matters that make 
life weary. The thread of love contains many an ugly knot — • 
and, as for professed friendship, the less said about it the bcjtter. 
Vcu must all try to make the world as smooth as possible, ynj 
render life as easy as circumstances will permit. So mote it be ! 



*SICH IS LIFE.' 

Tkxt. — Up hill, down hill, 

Trouble and strife; 
Slide along, dig along, 
' SfrH is life !' 

My Hearers : savages go through life easily enough, without my 
hard grunting, sweating, or swearing. They are ju^t about so, at 
all times — contented, sure to have a living, and, consequently, 
happy : hut we, civilized sons of sin, care and sorrow, have to 
fight against our fellow kind for a fo'pence to get us food. We 
have to twist and turn — make our way among the crowd — stick 
our elbows into the ribs of others — and, perhaps, knock down a 
dozen or two to get decenxly through the world. Sich is life! 
Brutes have a living prepared for them — the table of Nature ii 
bountifully spread before them, and all they have to do is to eat, 
drink, sleep, and be satisfied; but man, having brains to contrive, 
and hands to execute, has to make a living, and not be satisfied at 
that. He is never satisfied, nor woman either. G.ve me so much, 
Rays he, and I will ask no more ; but, when he gets it, his avari- 
cious appetite is as insatiate as ever. You can no more supply to 
Gatisfacti'.'ii the mammoth capaciousness of human desire than you 
can fi!i the bottomless pit by the dropping in of pebble stones. 
The future doesn't ahvays deceive us; but the deuce of it is, we 
are too apt to find fault w.'th the fulfilment of what our most ar- 
dent hopes hid promised. 'Taint good enough, aftei all ! say we, 
with a snufl' and a snivel give us something better. And so, at 



11(5 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

lasl we ^0 whinlnj^ to our graves, exclaiming Van:ty! vanity! — 
ail h deception ! double-distilled deception! Man's exi^te ice is a 
beautiiul humbug ! ' Sich is life !' 

My friends: it is up hill and dovrn hill with us in this RE-pro- 
bationary sphere. Every one of us seem to b*^ kicked about as if 
we were each a foot-ball for the fates. Tlnongh a hypocritical 
courtesy, we don't exactly put the blame upon Providence, but lay 
it to our own ill-luck, and be d — d to it. ' Sich is li/e ! And yci 
>\hen, upon the ebb tide of prosperity, man finds his frail br.ik 
cant back into dangerously-troublesome vvateis, he fool.shly ima- 
gines that all the winds of heaven have conspired against l.im; 
ai.d, rather ;han resort to the paddle of perseverance, he gives up 
lor lost, and says, There's no use in trying, for 'sich is life !' On 
the other hand, an unfortunate philosopher, in tattered vest and 
forlorn financial condition, doesn't ahoge.her give way lo despair, 
but patiently contents himself with the idea that ' sich is life :' and 
that, in the proces* of mundane mutations, there is -a good time 
coming,' wl i:h. some day or other, it will be his good fortune to 
experience. 

My woith\ friends: how many there are who, having to di.f; 
through the world, and finding it hard digging at the best, will net 
philosophically consider that ' sich is Lie:' but they must rail ?.t 
everybody and everything. They distractedly imagine that all of 
mankind are set against them ; and their only prayer is, that ihny 
may have an opportunity of sending word to the devil, and all the 
royal family of hell, to receive the scoundrels with the res])ect due 
to their rascally deserts ! These fellows had better go there tbem- 
eelves and in sufficient season to introduce the rest of the com- 
pany. 

My hearers : there are certain truisms, which need no ghost from 
the grave to tell us about, and establish. He that hath no money 
hath few friends, and the fur upon the friendship of these few i? 
hardly worth gathering. The moneyless must expect to be pushed 
about, rode over and trodden upon— for ' sich is life !' The dan- 
dilied pn}.py, with features of brass, brains of frog-jelly, and a 
heart made of putty and beeswax— submits to the scolis and jeers 
Di boys; is barked at by dogs; ' be dem'd' if he knows how it is; 
but—' sich is life!' lie tbat teUs th^ truth, the whole truth, and 
nothing but the truths n^vad^j-a, is pelted wit^. the brickbats of 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 117 

persecution by moralists, religionists, politicians, anJ the people al 
large, for ' sich is life !' Ecce signum, lignum vitje ! 

My hearers : imagine, as did my friend Shakspere, a locomotive 
shadow ; a poor player, that frets his brief hour upon a stage, aiW 
then is heard no more — and consider that ' sich is life :' a tale told 
by an idiot, [Shakspere] full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. 
But learn to live well ; keep the stomach well supplied with roast 
oeef, the heart v.-ith true religion, and the head free from all fool- 
ish fancies — and verily you shall be rewarded in a life to come, 
which, at the worst, can't help but be better than the miserable 
sublunary existence allotted to us here below. So mote it be ! 



* ON FEAR. 

TisXT. — Of all the wonders that I yet have hear1, 

It seems to me most strange that men should fear. 

My Hearers : I suppose it is all very well that a few kernels of 
fear are implanted in our natures, to warn us of danger, and guide 
from harm ; but to manure and nourish them till they grow up and 
become monstrous trees of terror, is the quintessence of foolish- 
ness. The dumb creation are supplied with just enough timidity 
necessary for self-preservation. At the least sight or sound of 
danger, they prick up their ears, alter the position of their tails, 
and are off. Then they think no more about it : they continue to 
gather their grub in peace and quietness — as cool and unconcern- 
ed about the past or future as a cucumber that nourishes upon its 
green vine to-day, and is cut up into thin slices to-morrow. Bui 
we, more intellectual beings — men of mind — men of sense and 
cents — men of dollars and dolorous men — men of capital and ca- 
pital men — yes, we, with all our vaunted courage, are poor, mise- 
rable victims of continual fear. We are not so much afraid of 
any immediate damage — not so easily scared at any suspiciocs- 
looking object within the pale of the present. No, what frightens 
ns the most are those big bugaboos that stare upon us with theii 
wild goggle-eyes irom out the dark holes of the futuro. Those 
make us pause, tremble, wriggle and squirm, as though all our to- 
morrows were overrun with devouring ogres. Oh, how monstrous- 



ri9 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

ly weak are we male mortals, with all our beard and mnscle!— 
how cowardly with all our courage! — how foolisli with all om 
WIS loin ! Woman, as says my friend Shakspere, is naturally born 
to fear : so is poultry generally. But woman — though she llutter, 
fuss and faint at a sudden surprise — has, after all, more true forti- 
tude, real grit, genuine spunk and bona tide courage in her compo- 
sition than Nature ever thought of mixing in the material of man 
Did any one of my congregation ever pick up a furzy chicken lag- 
ging at the heels of its maternal ancestor 1 If so, he has sudden- 
ly found himself favored with a considerable quantity of old hen 
about his face and ♦•yes. So it is with woman at certain times, 
and under certain ^rcumstances. If you maliciously meddle with 
whatever she loves, you must have a tug and tussle with her ; and 
wo be unto you ! For the accomplishment of any desirable pur- 
j>ose, she will scale a pig-pen, and wade through a goose-pond 
without even lifting her petticoat; and, when h«r iiidignant is once 
fairly up, she won't turn her back upon the devil himself. I know 
what woman is — my lamented aunt Ihucy was a pure specimen 
of the wood, with a bit of the bark off — ^just enough to show the 
grain. 

My hearers : why do you fear 1 and what do you fear ? You 
fear, because you are mortal, and must die some day or other. If 
you had been so manufactured as to endure to all eternity, or even 
half of it, evil apprehensions would never have found lodgings in 
the chambers of your hearts. Some of you are so fearful that you 
shan't live out half of your days, that you sit up nearly all night, 
to make up for what you may be cast short of in the end ; while 
others blow their brains out, lest Death should come and order 
them to march, in double quick time. Just so obstinate are some 
asses. Fools ! know you not that death will come when it will 
some, and not before 1 These should be no such thing in man as 
fear of leaving this world, when he knows he was put here to 
have the pleasure of being bothered with it but for a short tinie. 
When you move out of it, you will only go to where millions ot 
greater, wiser and better mortals than you have gone, and whither 
thousands are going daily. Fear not — if you don't have a merry 
time of it, it won't be for the want of company, and 'choice spi- 
rits.' But what else, besides the grim and grinn'ng monster, dc 
you fear ? I will tell you. 



SHORT PATINT SERMONS. 119 

UTien you have little money, and hardly enough to eat, you are 
afraid the time may come when you wil' have nothing at all — not 
«ven a crust of hope to gnaw at. 

When you are worth two millions of dollars, your soul shakes 
with fear lest, ere you kick the bucket, you become reduced to a 
million and a half. 

When it rains pottage, you dare not hold your dish out for fear 
you may catch a hop-toad. 

You are afraid to speak the truth lest you be thought eccentric 

You are afraid of omens, apparitio is, ghosts and shadows. 

When you have climbed high up the ladder of fame, you i*re 
afraid a round may give way, and let you drop to the place whence 
you started. 

When you are single, you are afraid to pass that bourne from 
whence no bachelor returns, lest a few thorns be found in the ever- 
blooming hymenial paradise. 

You dare not practise all you preach (as I do), for fear you may 
lose an occasional sixpence by it. 

You dare not confess your sins outside of a church, for feai 
people may think you are joking. 

You dare not put two shillings in the hat, when it goes round, 
for fear I shall be able to have lamb and peas for dinner to-mor- 
row, aLS well as you. 

Verily, man is as weak as a child, and timid as a kangaroo, of 
which he is but a longer-legged species. He has to ' work out his 
salvation with fear and trembling ;' and frequently fails to accom- 
plish it at last. He has a hard job of it, indeed ; and I hope that 
after he shall have worried and shaken himself off of this proba- 
tionary sphere, he will go to a world where there aro no hobgob- 
lins, spooks and scarecrows to frighten him out of his shirt and 
•enses. So mote it be ! 



* DRIVE ON !' 

Text. — Drive on your horses ! 

My Hearers: the spirit of the age is drive ahead, if you upset 
your wagon and spill your miik—keep up with the popular crowd. 



120 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

and leave the old slow, careful coaches in the lurch. ' Get out o' 
the way, olJ Dan Tucker!' is all the go nowadays, musically, ino 
rally and mechanically speaking. A flood is upon us that is fas* 
washing all the works of the old music-masters into the dead sea 
of oblivion. The old, heavy drama is too slow a coach altogether 
for the present day. A lighter and faster one we must have — a 
regular trotting concern. Poor ShaKspere ! his house is sold, and 
has stepped out. His taper shines with a sickly glare in the mist}' 
moonlight of the past — a mere glowworm upon a dark and distant 
moor. Alas ! I am afraid ' he was not for a time, but for al'l day ;' 
and it is now about to be all day with him. But, good-bye, L>j11 : 
I must drive on my horses, or take the dust of unpopularity. 

My friends : we are a fast people, and live in a fast age. Per- 
haps you may say we are only riding down hill on a hand-pled : 
the more we increase in velocity, the sooner we shall reach the 
bottom, and then have to get back again the best way we can. 
Shouldn't wonder! shouldn't wonder! No, by thunder! no, by 
thunder! — the way is comparatively level, and the road is clear. 
All wtt have to do is to keep up the steam, and push ahea.l — pro- 
pel. When I speak of keeping up the steam, brethren, I i\o not 
mean that you shall fire up with that liquid damnation which feed^ 
the flames of hell, for thereby you may burst your boilers ; hiu I 
have reference tu maintaining that ambitious spirit of rapid pro- 
ajression to which neither the everlasting mountains nor the eter- 
nal hills can set any bounds. Ours is already a great country, but 
we want to make it a big country. No pent-up Blackwell's Island 
shall contract our powers ; but the whole boundless continent 
must belong to us. Republicanism, with his new big boots, ia 
bound to travel — and no power on earth shall say. Thus far shalt 
thou come, and no farther. Emperors, kings, princes, and poten- 
tates! get out of the vay, for we are coming with our fast horses! 
Clear the track for young America ! We intend honestly to vote 
(;urselves farms; but, if voting don't get them, by General ""piter 
Jackson, we'll take them, whether or no! Shall we lumbn along 
the road, and allovr other nations to pass us with a whiz '? No — 
never. Our horses ake fast, and we must give the world an aw- 
ing specimen of their speed. Take care, then, by Basil ! we are 
running a race v;iih 3ri*ain for Cuba; and, if you don't look o'i% 
you may get iiijureu. We must progress — advance — e.vnatiate- 



8H0R T PATENT SERM. .<S. [ 2£ 

till two-thirds of the globe is ours; and then if w„ are ompclled 
to stop by some unforeseen circumstance, what will be the conse- 
quence T Why, we shall fall to fighting among ourselves and be 
brought back to the borders of primitive insignificance. 1 speak 
the words of truth and soberness; and I care not which endorse 
my sentiments — the hosts of heaven, or the legions of hell. 

My friends : the world plays a grab game, and every man must 
look out for his handful. For my part, I take my time, and cher:r- 
fully accept of what Providence assigns me. But don't be guided 
by me, a poor pensioner of heaven — a pauper dependent up-tn 
chance. Ehive on your horses ; keep ahead, if possible, and lei 
' the devil take the hindermosi.' So mote it be! 



MAN A SHADOW — LITE A DREAM. 

Text. — For man a shadow only is, 
And life is but a dream. 

My Hearers : did it ever occur to your stagnant min'^s that you 
are nothing more than mere shadows 1 — intangible, without sub- 
fitance, and ([ might say) without subsistence T Well, you are 
^nothing else,' at any rate. One thing is certain: you 

' Come like shadows, so depart ;' 
and whence you come, or whither you go, is known only to that 
great Shadow of which you are but a feeble shade. Pretiy-look- 
ing shadows, though, some of you are, I must say! — weigh two 
hundred and fifty, ai d annihilate a pound of pork at each repast". 
If such are mere lisions — 'airy nothings' — I should like to know 
what you would think of cousin Abraham, who is so tall, glim 
feeble that he dare not stoop to pick up a pin without first puttins 
a CDuple of brickbats in his coat pockets to preserve an equili- 
brium. He is thin as blottins: paper, and never trusts himself to 
stand long out-doors without putting one foot upon the other tn 
prevent the wind from blowing him away. But, my dear friends, 
in a metaphorical sense, we are nothing but shadows, after all * 
visible for a moment, and then invisible for ever! 'What .shadows 
we are !' (exclaimed the wise Siiadow,) ' and what shadows we j)ur 
sue !' — meaning that 'Ji** women are also shadows, and that wh 



122 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

men are in the hahit of running after them : and verily thwe b« 
much truth in the observation. 

My friends: what is life but a dream? — an empty dream; as 
empty as a contribution box of a Saturday. We imagine we live, 
and move, and have a being; but how is this fact to be deter- 
mined 1 There is no way of ascertaining it to a certainty. You 
go to bed at night — you sleep — you dream. That dream appears 
to you to be a reality; but you awake in the morning and find it 
all a delusion ; and so, on the morn of the Resurrection, you will 
probably find out that you have been but dreaming all through 
this sublunary existence. Well, friends, if you ever thought of 
it, all our greatest delights and principal pleasures lie wrapped in 
silken dreams. It is the anticipation, and not the possession, that 
yields us bliss. It is the ideality — not th« reality. Some folks say, 
however, that there is greater pleasure in eating a nice beef steak 
when you are hungry, than in anticipating it ; but I am inclined 
to doubt that fact. Eating takes away a body's appetite, and 
makes him feel dull — as dull as a hatchet used for splitting kin- 
dling wood upon a hearth stone : but to dream about indulging in 
gastronomic pleasures is quite another thing. ' It makes me feel 
good to think of it,' says John ; ' it is better than partaking.' .John 
is right : hope, that is not hopeless, is sweeter than honey. All 
is in the imagination. You acquire riches, and become possessed 
of whatever the heart, head, or fancy may order; and yet such 
won't set a broken limb, nor 'administer to a mind diseased ;' nor 
do anything further than affording jdeasant, and at the same time 
uneasy, dreams. There is no reality in riches : a comfortable cot 
conduces to as much contentment as a stately mansion — and a 
LEETLE more too. As for purchasing happiness, in this world, 
with the RHINO — the chink — or the actual — you might as soon 
:hink of winning a woman's aflections at a raffle. All our joys, 
pleasures and blisses claim residence only in the dreamy mind. U 
that be ill at rest, no gold, silver, nor tickling under the ribs can 
make a man cheerful and happy. It is the Unreal — not the Real 
that gives zest to existence. 

My hearers : life is nothing more nor less than an empiy dream. 
We imagine — we speculate — we fancy — we hope, and are evei 
dwelling in the ethereal atmosphere of ideality. ' Man never if 
but always to be blest,' says my friend Pope; and I have a pew 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 123 

ler sixpence saved for :.im who first acknowledges, mih his hand 
upon ihe Book, that he is contented with the real. Now, all yon 
married folks know that your happiest hours were those spent in 
couitship — when you were allowed to take only a bmell at a glo- 
rious fodder, without even nibbling at a spear. So it i^ with every 
earthly enjoyment: we prize at a distance; but when once in our 
possession, it isn't half so fat as we thought it was. And so it is 
with this basswood world. We dream through it that there is a 
better still to come — one made of pure mahogany, and so manu- 
factured as to endure for ever: which I hope will be the case : for 
heaven knows that the one we live in isn't fit for the abode of a 
lialf-cuUivated orang-outang. So mote it be ! 



CLACKING WOMEN. 

Text. — ! steep my feet in boiling oil, 
Or put me on the rack ; 
But save me, while I tarry here, 
From yonder woman's clack ! 

My Hearers : perhaps we male mortals ought not, generally 
speaking, to brag much about our faculties for restraining that 
'unruly member' called the tongue; but I do think that women 
have no good reason to say anything — for, if we are incompetent, 
in a certain degree, women most certainly are, in a very uncertain 
degree. Their tongues are reeds shaken by the wnnd — splinters 
upon a chesnut rail, that keep up a buzzing and a jarring so long 
as there is a breath to move them. The least breeze of passion 
that springs up in their bosoms, sets their mill-clacks in operation; 
and, as for stopping them, you might as well fire a pop-gun against 
thunder, or biow a hand-bellows against a hurricane. They will 
talk, like a poll-parrot, merely for the mke of the noise, and, (giv- 
ing them credit for no evil intention,) they persevere in jabbering, 
without once reflecting that, what is music to them may be murder 
to others. Oh ! woman, woman ! wherefore art thou gifted with 
such gigantic powers of gab ! Ihou wouldst have been an angel, 
hadst ^hou an angel's whisper. 

My hearers : I nave been speaking of women as a whole. As 



124 SHORT PATEXT 8ERMUM8. 

regards their noisy loquaciousness, ihere are many beautiful excep* 
lions. I know some whose words have fine fur, instead of dog- 
hair, upon them — whose tones are as soft and musical as the mild 
bjoaih>ngs of the iEolian harp — to whom it is soothing to listen, 
and whose society is as sunshine to a storm-beaten flower. Bui, 
oh ! make my bed under a tinned roof during a night of incessant 
hail; place forty tomcats at my window, all in ' full feather' (fur, 
I should have said) for a row ; bid me deliver an impressive dis- 
course in a -grist-mill ; soak my corns in a boiling solution of pot- 
ash ; bore my ears with a two-inch auger, or a congressional 
speech upon the tariff; compel me to endure the infliction of a 
fashionable opera; grate loaf sugar by my side while 1 am pre- 
paring a sermon on Sunday ; put me on the rack, if you choose 
— do anything you like, if you will only save me from the ever- 
lasting clack of that woman, whose mildest tones are enough to 
harrow up a man's soul, [Shakspere !] freeze his warm blood, and 
make each particular hair — whiskers, moustaches, and imperial in- 
cluded — to stand on ' eend ' like bristles upon the back of a pup- 
worried boar-pig ! 

My hearers : I am afraid that if I say much more about the gen- 
tler sex, my soul, next week, will be as full of regrets as an old 
cot is of bedbugs in August : nevertheless, I am bound to preach 
the truth to-day, although the devil may tell me to-morrow that I 
ought to be ashamed of myself lor so doing. But, when you see 
my nose projecting from this old pulpit, know ye that I care not 
for the fear of man, the favor of women, nor the scoffs of Satan. 
I Jet out the truth, link by link, and, if I am thought to libel my 
brother man or my sister woman, let heaven be my judge — the 
twelve apostles, now above, constitute a jury — and I'll accept of 
anything for counsel other than a New York lawyer — I can't go 
THAT. In sooth, there is no use in trying to lessen the noise of a 
talkalive woman's tongue by applying the oil of praise; for, the 
mu*«j you grease it by flattery, the faster and louder it runs. Say 
not a word; put putty in your ears, and it may tire itself out. 

But, my dear friends, we ought not to be too severe upon the 
sisterhood. Heaven has made them as they are. Their jnperfec 
tioii is no fault of theirs, but an unwardable misfoitune. 

Nature made man the strongest, 
But woman's ongue the longest. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 125 

And now, in conclusion, my dear brethren, if you will Imt count 
ap your errors, and add to the sum total all your actual faults, you 
will ttnj that the account 's to be given to the credit of the fenu- 
nine gerder. Bear and lorbear- overlook triiles — forgive all er- 
rors on the part of the last and the loveliest of God's works — and 
say as I do : ' Woman, with all thy faults, I love ihee still !' 
So mote it be ! 



NOBILITY OF BLOOD. 



Text. — Nobility of blood 

Is but a glitte'ing and fallacious good : 
The nobleman is he whose noble mind 
Is filled with inbred worth, unborrowed from his kind. 

My Hearers : is there any such thing as nobility of blood ? No. 
The vital fluid that filled the veins of our first father, Adam, ana 
our first mother. Eve, is analytically the same as that which keeps 
emperors, kings and lords alive, or what now moistens yonder lit 
tie carno-carbonic lump of mortality — I mean that negro baby in 
the gallery. The blood of a man and that of a monkey are mate 
rially the same; but in the intellectual organization we find a vast 
difference. No one upon this mysterious earthly soil — which 
sometimes produces very small potatoes from mammoth seed — can 
lay claim to primordial nobility ; and to say that this oi that is not 
worthy of a hodman's recognition because of obscure origin, is to 
lerogate the diamond on account of its being dug from among the 
.icurf and dandruff that cover the cuticle of mother Earth, or to 
detrac: the blooming rose because it sprang from muck and manure. 
The King of Heaven himself (our Lord and Savior) was born in a 
stable, cradled in a manger, and wrapped in the commonest of swad- 
dles. Begat by a carpenter — [hold up a second, let nic wipe my 
spectacles ; I am not sure about that] — but, at any rate, he was 
born of an humble maid, and played among the chips and shavings 
that fell from the adze and plane of one who was said to have been 
his sire, but whom he never called ' father."' Yes. with all his 
humility, he was the greatest of the great, and the mightiest among 
ihe aiigh'.y. His Father, as he said, was in heaven ; and so you 



126 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

can say to any one who boasts of his nobility: Beyond the skie« 
is your Father a*nd my Father, who thinks more of us than we c'o 
of each other, and provides for us both v/ith an impartial band. 
Now, now much better are you than I I Did we not spring from 
the same source 1 Are we not made of the same material T Dd 
we not tread the same soil — breathe the same atmosphere ? And 
phall we not both be put to bed with a shovel at last 1 Ve-ri-ly ! 
If you imagine that from your noble dust nothing lest than ama- 
ranthine flowers wall start, and nothing more than ephemiral toad- 
stools from my plebeian ashes — why, then you are laboring under 
(as my respected female friend, Mrs. Partington, would say) a 
false and artificial delusion. No, Lord Noble — I, or any other nig- 
ger,, am just as good as you — so long as good behavior holds out. 
When that caves in, you gel the advantage of me. 

My dear friends : your own acts must immortalize your names: 
as for relying upon ancestral fame, as well might a pigmy lay 
claim to strength and stature because his grand-dad was a giant. 
An honest, upright man — (the poet's sentiments and mine assimi- 
late) — is the purest specimen of nobility that ever graced the clod ; 
and 1 care not whence he sprang — whether from the loins of an 
autocrat, or from the womb of the commonest wench in Christen- 
dom. In short, my dear brethren, this is a subject that will admit 
of no further expatiation. All you have to do is, to prove your- 
selves noble by noble deeds, and you will pull yourselves up to a 
degree of eminence that never monarch yet attained by inherenl 
worth. So mote it be ! 



RIDING riFFERENT STEEDS. 



Text. — Across the fields and o'er the tide 
On Fancy's airy horse I ride. 

My Hearers : I have ridden many a hard horse in my day, and 
night too, but the hardest one that ever I strode, was a trip-ham- 
mer in a blacksmith's shop, propelled by water power and the 
deviltry of a son of Vulcan. The animal was not set suddenly 
a-going V bile I was astride, moralizing, philosophizing, scrutiniz- 
ing and p ^-aching against all vices — forgery in particular, and all 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 127 

forgers generally. That was a hard horse to ride. I could nei. 
Iher stop the beast, nor get off; so I held on, like hope to a chiis- 
tian, till the gate was shut, a-id my poor body released from its 
uncomfortable position. I declare, such a jerking up and down 
l)rought all my 'milk of human kindness' to a curdle in less than 
Iwo-thirds of a moment. My practical piety was broken into 
fragments not bigger than cherry-pits; and, had I known how to 
swear, I certainly should have indulged according to the most mo- 
dern and improved style. But, after gradually cooling off, I sat 
myself down and calmly reflected upon the various hobbies, horses 
and donkeys that men ride through the world — and this sermon is 
the result. 

My friends : the horse most generally ridden by us mortals is 
the otud of fancy. Across the fields and o'er the tide,' away we 
go, upon our winged Pegasus, as though heaven were but a few 
miles ahead, and hell close behind. While searching for pleasure 
and treasures in the realms of imagination, we suddenly bethink 
ourselves of something for dinner. So we are compelled to put 
foot out of stirrup, and seek sustenance from the common soil, 
like any other grub-worm. Some airy steeds are very fiery and 
fractious; and none but a mad poet would trust himself upon theii 
backs. There are some poets, though, who apparently would take 
delight in riding a streak of lightning all about creation. They 
would like to rush from world to world, and perform the whole 
circuit of eternity, in about two minutes and forty-four seconds. 
It is said that witches will ride through the air upon broomsticks, 
amid thunder-storms and tempests most terrible j but I don't be- 
lieve the devil himself would venture to straddle one of the wild 
fancies of our modern poets. If he did, he were a fool. 

My friends: in religious matters, people ride donkeys. They 
don't care about travelling too fast. ' Slow and sure' is their mot- 
to. They don't care about reaching everlasting salvation too soon * 
and as for their favorite endless torment, the later they get ther'; 
the better it suits them. They are all 'bound for the kingdoir,' 
however — the kingdom of heaven, and a gold currency. Eacn 
mounts his mule, or jackass, and off they start on so many .'Iif?er- 
ent tracks. Every one is going the wrong way, according to a?.- 
other's notion, and every one is right, according to his own notion 
Well, they all reach heaven afte'- a while. Perhaps Methodise 



128 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Jenkins get? in first — he having little the fastest nag — he has onlj 
tune to take off his hat, wipe his forehead and blow hh nose, be 
lore along comes Baptist Brown. ' How are you, Jenkins ?' 'How 
d'ye do. Brown ? — a little behind time — better late than never — but 
who'd a-tliought o' seeing you here, though !' Then rides in Pro- 
testant Episcopal Montgomery, Esq., as dignified as a wooden Co* 
lumbus, and most mightily astonished is he to find Catholic Mur- 
phy alighting at fiis heels. After which, in close succession, ar* 
live Presbyterian Smith, Unitarian Hawkins, Universal ist Dobsorj, 
and all the rest, except infidels; they ride to — God knows where! 
When they have all got in and are snugly and comfortably seated, 
each one tells the story of his journey. One had a rough road, 
but a short one — another was favored with mild and cheering sun- 
shine — another encountered continual storms. But each one's aon- 
key was the best — the road was the Jest — everything was the best 
— only the little sly sixpence contrived some way to creep out ot 
of the vest pocket; and no one has money enough- to stand treat. 
■• It is easier for a camel,' &c., ' than for a rich man,' &c. 

My dear friends: in politics there are so many different horses 
ridden, just now, that I must take another occasion to particular- 
ize. If somebody, though, (1 won't say who he is,) don't come 
ofl' with a sorer seat than I did when I used to ride horse to plougn, 
you may cut my salary down to chips and shavings. So mote it 
be! 



ON BREVITY. 

TcxT. — Brevity is the soul of wit. 
Be brief, good sir — thy sentences are long and dull. 

My Hearers : this discourse will puzzle you, after you have heard 
it, to tell what it all amounts to, like a good many others. The 
story of life is a short one ; and it need not take a lifetime to teJJ 
It. We come into the world, grow up, get married, propagate, and 
pur-h olT. Where we come from, what v.-e are put here for, and 
wiiert we go to at last, is as much of a mystery as what becomes 
of a froglel's tail when it drops off; or whither swallows take 
ihe-i lliffht when the summer is over. These little feathered spi- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 129 

riu of the air return again in spring ; but for man's departed spi- 
rit, alas! it knows no return ! The beautiful flowers — how soon 
they fade, wither and die ! They visit us no more; but, in a litUe 
while, we behold their orphan children blooming upon their sepul- 
chres — even as we mortals flourish, for a time, upon the sod that 
bides the dust of our ancestors, and then sink, to make new soil 
and new potatoes for our offspring. 

My friends ; I will tell you of some truths. By a natural ncr- 
ccssity, there must be slaves, of various degrees, all the world over. 
Now, you know, as well as I, that when you meddle with slavery, 
it is always at a distance, geographically speaking. You have no 
slaves at home. Not a slave, nor slaves — at least, you know of 
none! I will 'holler' to you my opinion upon slavery. I hold 
It to be most decidedly a moral wrong. No acknowledged human 
SHOULD be kept in bondage, to be used, abused, bought and sold 
like a brute. But, my friends, what has morality to do with lega- 
lity ? ' Circumstances alter cases :' this is an axiom as musty as 
my old bible. Might is not always right — any Hottentot is aware 
of that: but that might makes right, according to conventional 
usage, we all know. Your servants are not allowed equal privi- 
leges with yourselves. Suppose I tell you this is morally wrong ; 
your only answer under heaven is — they are domestic.*? The 
slaveholder's answer is the same, with the exception that his slaves 
are negroes, and by nature inferior to domestics wearing a white 
skin. 'Cursed is Ham,' says the Book of books — 'he shall be a 
servant of servants' So Ham is — Southern Ham especially; and 
Northern Mutton is but a trifle better conditioned. Now, it is 
wrong in the eyes of heaven for you to treat servants as though 
they were but connecting links between your august selves and 
your hogs. Most decidedly it is ; but, 1 ask you, will it not be 
equally as wrong for a parcel of law-makers to compel you to 
place your 'help' (that's your term; at your first table, to givo 
them to drink what you drink, to eat what you eat, and to clothe 
them even as you be clothed 1 The only difference between white, 
limited, and absolute black slavery is, that the subjects of the lat- 
tei are bound to 'hoe de corn, plant de cotton,' whether or no, and 
make themselves contented : whereas those of the former have the 
LIBERTY to go and better themselves, if they can. Bui, friends, 
you know very well that four-tifths of them are coMPtLLtD, by 
9 



ISO SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

circumstances, to stay where they are, witt wretched pay and 
••^orse treatment, till they are kicked out of doors. Then, who 
ares, should they be driven to beggary "? Not a living Josey. 

I preach thus plainly, my hearers, upon a delicate topic, because 
'verybody, at present, aopears to be interested — including my old 
.ircuit horse. Those friends of mine, the Barnburners, are wide 
awake upon the subject — my inveterate enemies, the Hunkers, are 
getting excited — my brothers, the abolitionists, are chock full of 
southern hatred, ginger and soda water — my unfortunate accom 
plices in political rascality, the Clay-men, are hopping about like 
peas upon a hot shovel — and my respected fellow Taylor folks are 
up in arms. I want to see slavery done away with everywhere : 
to have people love and respect one another more than they do, 
and entertain a higher regard for individual rights generally. If 
I can bring about a more desirable state of things than at present 
exists, by gentle coaxing or persuasive eloquence, I'll do it ; but I 
confess that I lack both the moral and physical courage to go into 
a neighbor's house and meddle with his domestic arrangements. 
So mote it be ! 



BE JOVIAL. 

Text. — With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come, 
And let my liver rather heat with wine 
Than my heart cool with mortifying groans. 
Why should a man whose blood is warm within 
Sit like his grandsire cut in alabaster 1 
Sleep when he wakes? — and creep into the jaundice 
By being peevish 1 

My Hearers: wake up! Don't sit sleeping with your eyes open. 
[ know the weather is warm, and the spirit within you is weary 
but you must shake off all lassitude, and keep the inward man in 
good humor, if you prize health above the value of a smooth shil 
ling, and would live to see old wrinkles drawing their latitudinal 
lines across your venerable brows. This is an artificial as well as 
a natural world ; and you must sometimes resort to aitificial means 
for the well-being of your corporeal systems. The greatest medi- 
cine in the world — next to calomel and jalap — is mirth and lauifb 



SHORl PATENT SERMONS. 131 

ter. If, by nature, or from circumstances, you lack in mirthful- 
ness, the best advice I can give you is to take or do something \n 
MAKE you merry — find food for laughter, somehow or somewnert 
But recollect, my friends, that moderation is the word. You must 
keep in sight of certain reasonable bounds. There is no proprie- 
ty, happiness, nor religion, in going the length of a frog-leap fur- 
ther. 

My friends: I say, with my old, esteemed brother, Shakspere ; 
* Let my liver (and lights, too, if necessary) rather heat with wine 
than my heart grow cold and clammy with mortifying groans.' 
Heavy hearts and gloomy imaginings have put more people to bed 
beneath the sod than did ever an enlarged liver — whether caused 
by red pepper, black pepper, mustard, wine, brandy, or immode- 
rate laughter. I mean this, brethren, as a philosophical truth, 
which even the doctor, the devil, or any other wise-thinking indi- 
vidual can gainsay. Why should a man, whose blood is warm 
within — whose heart is made to beat to the tune of 'Old Dai- 
Tucker' — whose whole existence depends upon motion and acti- 
vity, inside and out — the complicated machinery of whose mind is 
kept in steady operation only by stimulating food, stimulating 
drink, and a proper exercise of the body — I say, why should such 
a being sit, like his grandsire in the window of a phrenologist, 
made of plaster-of-paris ? Give me an automaton clown to a street 
organ in preference : he does something to make children laugh, 
to say the least. 

My dear friends : when I see a stupid, lazy, melancholy dolt; 
monopolizing even two feet of room upon this valuable terrestrial 
ball, I feel as if I wanted to take him by the coat-collar and shake 
up his sympathies — arouse his dormant energies, and make him do 
something, either to the benefit or the detriment of those around 
him — 1 wouldn't care which ; for out of evil cometh good. An 
occasional roaring and tearing tempest is better than a continual 
calm ; and the bounding billowy ocean is sublimer and more inte- 
resting to behold than a sluggish, scum-covered horse-pond. This 
sleeping while awake, ana creeping into the yellow jaundiie with 
peevishness, is enough to make a spectator feel mouldy about the 
uiaphragm, and fear lest he become a stale fish in the market him- 
i,eif. 

My worthy iriends : man's life i« a play — a uaTr.a: the eailh i» 



132 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

theatre ; the s^age the city, or that part of the country in which he 
"Mves. He is bound to play his part ; and, to play it well, he must 
first see that his mind and spirits are in perfect trim ; if they are 
not, he might as well undertake to climb a greased liberty-pole 
with cowhide boots and buckskin mittens on as to think of making 
a creditable performance. No ! he must get himself right, some- 
how; but as to the how of that how, how am I supposed to know 
better than the actor himself I He must be governed by his own 
feelings and habits. The state of the mind is everything — and a 
little spilled over. Keep that right, and you are right -right as 
the odd-numbered pages of a book To do this, you must exer- 
c se — exercise the body, exercise the stomach, and exercise the 
brain. Then you must take change — change your money, (and 
always have enough of it,) change your food, change your clothes, 
change your location for a day or so, (especially in the summer,) 
and, consequently, you will get a change of air. Attend to all these 
changes, and, though they may be a little disagreeable for the time, 
you will find that you have experienced no bad change in the end. 
They will reinvigorate and renew you. They will keep you as 
bright as new tin-ware to the last; and I shouldn't be surprised if, 
in your old age, with death staring you in the face, you laugher; 
more heartily than I did, one night last week, when 1 looked upon 
SI ~i an who raised a club to defend himself from an empty pair of 
breeches, upon Barren Island. So mote it be ! 



moonlight, love and music. 



Text. — How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank ! 
Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music 
Creep in our ears. 

In such a night 
Did pretty Jessica, like a little shrew, 
Slander her love, and he forgave it her. 

Mr Hearers : what is there more beautiful in the arrangement oi 
Nature than a mild, unclouded moonlight evening "n midsumme? 
— (^specially in the country ? That liquid radiance, shed upon ai 
'hings below is the rich, yellow creain of beauty itself — the quint- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 133 

essence of all that can be called iovely after sunset — almost too 
rich and glorious to be supposed to emanate from such an oyster- 
balioon-looking concern as is that globe lamp which old father 
Nox hangs in the high chamber of heaven to light the holy stars 
to bed. Yet some of our moons are bunkum — first-rate, as is every- 
thing American. I doubt whether Italy, Greece or Ireland can 
boast of bigger, brighter and lovelier lunar orbs than we, the peo- 
ple of these thirty-one independent United States, are blest witl:. 
Talk about Saturn with his seven moons ! — he can't begin to shine, 
^fter dark, with mother Earth, whose pathway is lit by a solitary 
celestial lantern. Seven moons ! — what wasteful extravagance ! — 
what wretched economy, when one good one, like ours, might an- 
swer every purpose ! If I had been Nature herself, I should have 
given a certain number of planets to every sun, and a single satel- 
lite to every planet. Why, brethren, I would as soon do my soul 
up in a dirty rag and throw it to damnation, as to show partiality 
in the distribution of 'light to all.' 

My hearers : we ought, nevertheless, to be satisfied with the fair 
round mo )n, that lends such a pleasing, witching (although rather 
melancholy) smile upon this dull, terrestrial sphere. See how it 
silveis the waves of yonder nervous, trembling, quivering bay ! — 
how brilliantly it mercurializes each brooklet, river and lake ! - - 
how beautifully it bronzes the wide-spreadinc landscape — everj 
bush, tree and brown old barn ! How sweetly its mild lustre re- 
poses upon this bank ! Here will we sit, and let the sounds of 
midnight music creep into our ears. What do we hear 1 — hark ! 
a persevering whippoorwill re-reiterates his castigating sentiments 
in song most tiresome to mortal ear : the grass cricket keeps up a 
monotonous lir-reh-h : the little feminine froglet, from a neighbor- 
ing marsh, attempts an octave above the compass of her voice, 
while a big, overgrown masculine at her side, with his chin rest- 
ing upon a lily-pad, puts in the tum-tums, boo-ker-chings, with a 
baseness, precision, patience and perseverance worthy of the high- 
est admiration. Then, too, as w^e sit upon this moon-silvered bank, 
let us listen, with the ears of imagination, to the silent music of 
the spheres. Don't their sweet sacred psalmodies raise the feathers 
upon the back of Fancy ! Don't they cause her pinions to expan'I 
— spread themselves — and take flight into the eternal regions of 
•Jpuce, tlie fitl- ^real domains of Nothing, and the happy, everlast- 



1S4 SHORT PATRNT feZRMONS. 

ino' 'io» e of Nobody ! Yes, my friends, moonsliine, at mianipht, 
raises our thoughts to the skies, as in a balloon. It lets the soul 
]()0?e from its carnal prison — separates it from all earthly dross, 
and lets it ascend, like a feather up a stove-pipe, to commune with 
its sister spirits in an atmosphere of purity, love and peace. Oh ! 
moonlight evenings are ihe ones to put yeast into a youthlul ima- 
gination, and to lighten the leaden fancies of the time-worn. They 
will cause dull weeds upon the half-sterile soil of age to resem 
ble the fairest of flowers. They add a fresh furbish and new 
gloss to soiled and threadbare memories. They encircle the heart 
with a halo of romance, and line one's bosom, for the time, with 
the soft, fine fur of friendly feeling. You may call it all moon- 
shine, if you please, but there is something in it more potent than 
common folks imagine. 

My hearers : in such a night, says my text, did pretty Jessica 
— like a little naughty shrew, as she was — slander her love, and he 
forgave it her. Of course he did. How could he have done other- 
wise in such a night ? — in sigh a night, when quiet, serene, hea- 
venly Nature whispered only of love, fnendship and forgiveness? 
And now, my friends, if you would have your souls softened — 
your ideal faculties expanded — your fancies strengthened in their 
heavenward flights — go 'out by the light of the moon' with one 
who fondly nolds a place in your bosom, rent free, and meditate, 
confabulate, hesitate, ejaculate, ponderate, and make love, at any 
rate. Go ! as I bid you ; and if you don't find that this world has 
lunar influences, and at the same time you don't experience the 
funny but mysteiious sensations of animal magnetism, why, then 
ril give up preaching and go to congress — or some other place 
equally as bad. So mote it be ! 



DISCOURSE TO THE WIND-WHISTLE ISLANDERS. 

The following is a translation of a sermon that I preached, last 
Sunday, to the aborigines of Wind-whistle Island. I took no 
text, but ' hollered' to them from a hollow tree, spontaneously, 
extemporaneously, and most outrageously. 
My native brethren : [perhaps I ought not to have called them 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 136 

MT native brethren, because mine have all white faces] — I come 
among you, not to bring special glad tidings, for you are not pre 
pared to appreciate them ; but to tell you how unhappy 3'ou are ii- 
this your primitive anJ penniless condition. You are a most mi- 
serable set of semi-somethings, called human beings, but hardly 
worthy of the appellation. The moral drapery of your souls is 
as scant, coarse and uncouth as your physical toggery, and that ia 
ugly enough to make a dead dog bark. It is true, 0, Wind-whis- 
tlers, that you eat, drink, m.ake love dance and sing, and imagine 
that you are happy; but your happiness is all a filagree of fancy. 
How is it possible that you can be happy when you have no bible 
— no missionaries — no money — no politicians among you ? What 
[ mean by politicians is, men who have got nothing, and are will- 
ing to sacrifice all for the civil welfare of your bushy but glorious 
little island — to have it governed according to the great principles 
long ago ' laid down ' by General Jackson, and lately ' taken up ' 
and ' carried out' to Mexico by the illustrious Polk. Would you 
know a bible from a brickbat or a card of gingerbread, if I were to 
throw you one 1 I thought I had one in my coat pocket, but that's 
my powder flask. No, I know you wouldn't; but it's of no con- 
sequence whether you would or not, for you can't read any more 
than the wind that fumbles over the leaves in the book of nature. 
Did you ever hear of heaven 1 It's a great country, but you have 
not got there yet, and I'm afraid you never will : you won't, cer- 
tainly, unless you first know there is such a place, and make some 
sort of preparations to get there. We'l, heaven, ye poor, be- 
nighted and belated Wind-whistlers, is up there ! What you see 
overhead that looks like my blue cotton umbrella, here, when 
spread out, is heaven. You live under the centre of it, and are the 
farihest oft, while we, civilized and enlightened beings, dwell round 
ihe edges — where the golden skies commingle with earth, and 
wiiere perpetual peace and happiness prevail. 

Ye moneyless and miserable inhabitants of Wind-whistle Island! 
Far oil to the west, where the setting sun throws a flood of nur* 
pie and crimson glory upon the clouds, stands the great city of 
Gotham. I come from there. I come to show ycu the vast differ- 
ence between that place and this. There, we have heaps of mo- 
ney ; and, consequently, are contented and happy — you have none; 
and. therefore, are wretched and miserable. There, we aJl are ho- 



136 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

nest: we never lie. cheat, nor take a(]vantage of one another — 
an.l ^o we are prosperous. Virtue, with us, is so comnmn lliat i\ 
attracts no attention from the angels, who visit us daily v»-ith siiii- 
shine on their wings: while, on the other han i, vice is so extreino- 
jy rare, that when a particle of it is found, Satan looks out of hia 
hole and gapes with wonder! We have no cares nor anxieties Ic 
trouble us. We take no thought as to what we shall eat, what 
we shall wear, or how withal we shall be clothed — only fashion 
and respect require that we shall eat the best we can get, and wear 
the finest we can afford. Your women remain rou.;h and unfinish- 
ed, as rude Nature formed them — ours aie scieweJ up here, and 
stuffed out there, to make them look like something worth loving. 
You let your wives ramble about out of doors in all kinds of wea- 
ther; plant corn and dig potatoes, while you are ofT a-fishing — 
whereas, ours are kept as pets and ornaments for the parlor. It's 
a wonder your children don't die off like November chickens, you 
take so little care of them. Our young ones arc cooped up, and 
nourished with careful tenderness: we give them medicine to pre- 
vent their getting sick, and, as a matter of course, they live to a 
good old age. 

Wind-whistlers : you are an unhappy and degraded people. To 
be blest, you must become civilized. You want, in the first place, 
money; for that is the root of all happiness. Then you need 
among you a few lawyers — several ministers of the gospel, of dif- 
ferent persuasions — a score of tailors, and a schoolmaster. These 
once among you, and there is no fear but the devil will ocnd you 
a plenty of doctors. Then you will be on the broad ruad to civi- 
lization, refinement and happiness. You may say that you are 
contented and joyous as you are; but I tell you, you are misera- 
ble — and, if you only knew it, you would feel so. I hope to let 
you hear the voice of wisdom emanating from this old tree again 
in due season. Meantime, go to your homes — talk the mattei 
over among yourselves — and come to the conclusion that you ar# 
wi etched, and mean to be made happy. So u»ote it be: 



EARLTt REHIRING *Nr Ri«TNv«». 

Text. — Early to beu, and early to rl^'». 

Make a man healthy, wealthy and -''is:?. 

^^Y Hearers : the text I have chosen for n.y },.°Svni discourse ii 
most beautifully homely ; but it contains the clean K'^ru'^ls oi rru.ti 
without husk or chaff. I believe that the God of Nj^'u-e iniendea 
u.s to go to roost with the birds and chickens — not wltM tl^er". in 
one sense of the word, but to retir** to rest for the night at tue 
same time they do. All the brute creation close their ])eepers at 
the setting of the sun, save such as see the best in the dark : and 
whose deeds are evil : why should man be an exception, since he 
is not an owl nor a bat that sleeps through the day for the want 
of properly-adapted optics ? I see no reason under the planet of 
Jupiter why you should not go to bed as soon as Evening tMnpties 
her soot bag upon the earth, and get out of it at the first blush of 
morn. Even ten hours' sleep would do you no harm, after you 
got used to it; and I know that most of you are able to bear al- 
most twice the quantity without a grunt. 

My friends : by turning in early, you secure health. The brain, 
the stomach, the whole mental and physical system all cry aloud 
for rest, after a weary day of toil, care and anxiety. You may 
think to appease fretful ?sature by attending places of amusement, 
Dalls and bar-rooms ; but she is not to be cheated in any such man- 
ner. She is not to be pleased with toys nor tickled with straws; 
nor is she to be deceived by the silent, smooth-sliding hours. She 
knows the time o' night like a journeyman oyster-opener, or a 
waiter at Windua"s, and whispers into the deaf ear of the heart 
* Let's go.' But you heed her not. Very well ; on the morrow, 
after the sun has accomplished nearly one quarter of his diurnal 
journey, you crawl out of bed, languid, feeble and feverish, no ap- 
petite for breakfast, and hardly knowing your head from a hornet's* 
nest. You may follow^ ttiis up for a time, but eventually the maia 
pillar to the temple of health gives way, and down falls the beau* 
tilul edifice, never to be rebuilt for the want of a proper founda- 
tion. If you sacrifice your health, you lose wealth — you ^ose 
that which is more to be prized than all the gold of Ophir, Cali- 
fornia, Virginia and North California lumped together. Your iook.i 
betray you late birds w^ierever you go. 1 could tell you half a 



138 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

mile oft* by moonlight, and look through a pair of patent le» 
tber spectacles. 

jMy dear friends: now look at the man who has been in the 
lutbit for years of putting on his nightcap at an early hour. If 
he isn't actually loaded down with the ' rocks,' or, in other words 
tne glittering dust that buyeth everything but a ticket to heaven 
and happiness upon earth, he is at least what is called well-to-da 
in the w^rld. With a joyous heart, and spirits as light as the 
down of a thistle, he goes forth to greet the young day, while the 
dew globulets bespangle the pastures, fields and meadows — while 
the air is balmy, fresh and invigorating — while the flowers are ex- 
haling sweet fragrance in almost visible abundance — while bees, 
bugs and other insects are as busy as the Fourth of July — and 
while the feathered choristers are singing spontaneous hallelujahs, 
as though they must either do it or burst their gizzards. Look at 
that man, the early riser! The rose of health blooms upon his 
cheek; his eye sparkles with the fire and glow of youth ; his step 
is as elastic as though his legs were set with wire spiral springs, 
and his body composed of India rubber. He is strong, too : ay, 
stronger than last winter's butter — stronger than an argument — 
stronger than a horse, and tougher than bull-beef. He can out- 
jump, outwalk, outrun and outlive any human that never leaves 
his bedchamber till nine o'clock, I don't care where you bring him 
f:om — whether from hardy Greenland or from the soft, sunny clime 
of the equator. He is infusible. He is not to be fried in his own 
fat by the melting heat of a midsummer's sun ; and he can bare 
his bosom to the bitter northern blast, with no more sign of a shake 
or a shiver than the Bunker Hill Monument in a snow^ squall. 

Oh, you puny, sickly, satTron-skinned sluggards, that never see 
the sun rise ! You lose a glorious sight — an exhibition that affords 
more pure delight to both eye and soul than all the shows ever 
presented to mortal view, the Northern Lights and American Mu- 
seum not excepted. I can't paint the picture. When I think of 
ji. discouraged Fancy drops her pencil at once, and says its no use. 
Try and get up and take a peep for yourselves, for once in your 
lives : then, if you think it a humbug, go to bed atrain and snooze 
till the day of judgment, for aught I care. But bow do you feel 
while shaking your feathers with the sun hard upon the meridian ? 
Ra<her streaked. I imagine — almost afraid to venture into the 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 119 

streetf, fi)r fear your shadows shouLi lau^h at yon. Yon ninster 
up courage to sally out. ' Shocking steamboat accid(;iil that, ac- 
cording to accounts in the morning papers,' says an acquaintanct 
whom you happen to meet. 'What ac — oh — ah — yes — shock- 
ing, very shocking, indeed — good day;' and on you speed with a 
most nervous rapidity for fear of being further interrogated about 
what you ought to have known hours before. You morning 
sleepers! know you not that you lose by driblets the very honey 
of life, the quintessence of all that is bright, lovely and joyful in 
existence'? You do. While others are alive, stirring about, se- 
curing health, accumulating wealth, happy and merry as larks, jou 
lie as dead as so many logs, intellectually decaying, moraiiy rot 
ting, and corporeally consuming. Arise ye ! arise ye '—shake ofi 
sloth, even as the lion shaketh the dew from hi? mane ; go out 
and behold the beauties of the morn in all their glory and magni- 
ficence, and become healthier, wealthier, wiser and handsomer hu 
man beings than you are. So mote it be ! 



THE LASSES. 

Text. — Auld Nature swears, the lovely dear, 
Her noblest works she classes, : 
Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, 
And then she made the lasses, 0. 

jMv Hearers : Dame Nature has reason to be proud of the degiee 
of perfection to which she brought the world when she manufac- 
tured the ' lovely dears.' They are the last and the most success- 
ful of a long-continued series of experiments in the moulding of 
humanity — the result of the first being nothing more nor less than 
the production of a stump-tailed baboon — and if not the noblest, 
are certainly the most polished and finished of all her works. 
The materials in the she sex are about the same as in the lords of 
creation ; only finer, and freer from dross, specks, cracks and 
fiaws. I may liken woman to a loaf of bread composed of the 
finest, bolted flour — flight, delicate and spongy: man, to an unlea- 
vened batch of rye and Indian — heavy, coarse and clammy. But 
oehold the fresh and blooming maiden as a being of beauty and 
grace! Where is there created flesh or animal form to compara 
6* 



140 SHORT PATENT » 5:RM0NS. 

with her 1 There are snares, as well as snarls, in her dark, flo»v- 
ing tresses. There is a whole alphabet of love in her bright, 
sparkling eyes: her marble brow, swan-like neck, and rouni, ta- 
peiing limbs, coir. bine to make her an exqu.s te subject for tie 
poet, painter and sculptor : and then that mouth of hers ' — when 
the winds of passion are at rest, how much it resembles a half 
blown rose in a mild morning of May ! — and when trans-shaped 
to a smile, how very like to the bow of the little naughty god 
Cupid ! Ah, who could ever suspect it of being a hole for pork 
ana beans and apple dumplings ! But has not Nature evidently 
bestowed a vast amount of pains upon her! Could she have 
done more for her by studying an extra thousand years'? No: 
our admiration for the workmanship displayed in the manufacture 
of the lasses could never be enhanced in the least, even if they 
were to be brought into the world with bustles on as big as bushel 
baskets. 

My friends — Nature tried her 'prentice hand upon us men, be- 
cause it being rough, coarse kind of work, she could execute with 
less pains and more facility; and furthermore, she didn't care if 
she spoiled half a dozen or so in making — and she did succeed in 
spoiling a few. Without regard to what Moses says on this sub- 
ject, the> first man that Nature made looked tolerably well out- 
wardly ; but she made the forehead too low, the eyebrows too 
level, and left the blood as cold as a sturgeon's : yes, and she tiled 
to make soap-stone answer for a heart. She made a murderer. 
Endeavoring to remedy these defects at the next attempt, she over- 
t-hot the mark. To warm the blood, she mixed in red pepper, 
ginger and aquafortis; and padded the bosom with a variety oi 
combustible materials — the consequence of which was, she pro- 
duced a quarreller, wrangler, fornicator and an aspirant to power. 
Here was another piece of work spoiled. Being then afraid ol 
the jireponderancy of the animal paRsions, she put up a slight 
fiame-work, barely covered it with dried rubbish, substituted vine- 
gar tor blood, made a heart of bass-w^ood, and left no room for » 
soul. Thus she turned loose a human being, wholly unsuscepti- 
ble of rational enjoyment, dead tc the pleasures of the world, aijo 
a stranger at the feast of reason. He was a miser and a thief. 
The result cf the next experiment was a creature seemingly cor 
-"ct in every part ; but through a multitude of unaccountable nrJa- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 141 

takes — nicely covered with putty and paii.t — he proved |o be a 
hypocrite. Here dame Nature hunjj: her head and paused, as if in 
a fit of discourag^ement; but rallying all her energies, collecting 
all her wisdom, exercising all her skill, anJ using the proper ma- 
\erials, she fell to work, and at length produced an honest man \ 
This was glory enough for one day. 

My hearers — Nature, rejoiced at her success, now thought she 
would venture upon liner work — the 'lovely dears.' So, with the 
fairest of sifted earth, soft soap, sentiment, and a bucket-full ol 
tears — sweetened with the sugar of love — she went carefully, bu* 
right merrily to the task. One or two were thrown upon hei 
hands, in consequeuce of being over highly tempered and furnished 
with a little too much tongue. Profiting by these defects, how 
ever, she soon completed a beautiful being, as lovely as the morn 
ng, as pure as the vestal snow, and against whom in her primi- 
tive state no one to this day ever dare say aught. Outwardly as 
fair as t'ne lily, and inwardly extra-jeweled with virtue, she walks 
abroad, a living specimen of the last, the best, and the most lovely 
of all Nature's works. Yes, my friends, the lasses are the love- 
liest of all breathing objects, but amazingly susceptible of being 
soiled and put out of kilter for life. Oh, that man should make 
tojs of them for a while, then use them for horses, and aftil-wards 
treat them like dogs ! Her beauty should be her shield, and her 
weakness her weapon. In me, nevertheless, the lasses may ever 
expect to find a valiant protector and a constant friend. I will 
stick by them, stick up for them, and stick up to them, so long as 
there is anything sticky in the first principles of love, admiration 
and respect; and if any scamp in my congregation dare oppose 
me, I will wollup him with such a cudgel of pastoral reproof as ia 
not brandished by every expounder of the gospel and good tnan- 
Jiers. So mote it be ! 



ON NOTING TIME 

Text. -The bell strikes one — we take no note of time ! 

My Hearers : it occurs to me that Time is shoving us on towards 
our last resting places at the most rapid rate. Yesterday I look a 



142 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

retrospiK'tive survey of the distance between the Present and a 
certain post stuck up m the Past, and, to my utter astonisl mem, 
it measured full fourteen years ! Can it be possible, inquired I of 
myself, that what seems to be of yesterday only should be found 
Bo astonishingly in the rear? Yet it was so: and I have now 
come to the conclusion that the Past, Present and Future are all 
equ&ily deceiving. Put not your trust in any of them : if you oo, 
you will be taken in and done for, about as 'slick' as Jonah 
Wiggle yourselves, brethren, among the three, and make head- 
way the best way you can. Fond Recollection holds us by the 
coat-tail, and joyous Anticipation pulls us by the hair, while Re- 
ality gets us about the middle, from whose rough grasp we are 
ever struggling to escape. Somehow all we mortals seem to want 
is to get ahead, reckless of economizing tVe little strip of time be- 
tween here and hereafter. But there is no use in being in a hurry : 
we shall all reach the end of life's journey sooner than is desira- 
ble — and, I am afraid, before half of us have earned a pint of gra- 
cious salt for the pickling of our precious souls. 

My friends — ' we take no note of time ;' and a good reason why 
— time never gives a note ; never wants to be trusted, and trusts 
nobody. Why, it is enough to make a weeping willow laugh to 
see how*iiicely innocent people are cheated out of hours, minutes, 
aye, seconds. Good souls, they think that because there is a mul- 
t tude stored away for them in the Future, they can afford to 
squander as extravagantly as they please ; but they will find out, 
too late I fear, that minutes are precious gems, and hours worth 
their circumference in gold. Time flies with the swiftness of a 
swallow — days, months and years glide by with the rapidity of a 
locomotive upon the great western railroad, and we take matters 
just as cool and easy as though decline, decrepitude and death 
were all a romance! But, let me tell you, dear friends, that there 
IS a reality in all these, which you will but too suddenly experi 
ence. If you can't take time by the forelock, make a grab at nia 
fetlock, and hang on like a Dutchman's dog to the tail of a mad 
bull If there be anything in this world that I particulaily de 
epise, it is an indolent, lazy loafer, who lies down in the sunshine 
of self-content, and permits himself to be bitten by bugs and bedet 
^>y flies, regardless of the scoffs and sneers of those who hapi^en 
*o be a little better dre.^se,.. Htuveii knows, and peiiiays i*'-i' 



SHORT I'ATENT SERMONS 14i 

also, that I am lazy enough to produce general stagnation through- 
out a neighborhood ; but I must say that thousands of my fellow- 
creatures, in this little city alone, are far less coneerned for then 
temporal welfare than your very humble and most obsequious 
preacher. So little do I care about money, that while the hat is 
being passed round, I shall close my eyes and think up a text for 
the next sermon. Meanwhile, however, let me impress upon 
your hearts — let me instil into the minds of your children — that 
moments are to be prized above rubies, and hours more valuable 
than the richest mines of Mexico, or all the wealth of the Indies. 
I had the boldness, the oiher mo ning, to ask a dissipated looking 
young stranger how he felt. Eubbing h's foreh-ead, and stroking 
the anterior of his peiicranium, he said he felt as if he was about 
to make a sudden start for he 1 on a hard trotting horse. Wish- 
ing him all sorts of luck, I bid him good bye. But, friends, the 
latter end of that young man will turn out to b^ a great deal sorer 
than he thinks. He has a hard horse to ride : nevertheless, if he 
sit easy upon the saddle and make the most of his time, he may 
get in without breaking his neck or collapsing his pocket. Time, 
my friends, as has been truly remarked by one of the eastern 
sages, is a great deal 'shorter than it is long.' It is as much 
shorter than pie-crust as pie-crust is briefer than the summing up 
of a district attorney in behalf of the Peebles ; and, therefore, it 
hehooves us all that we should stretch it to its utmost possible 
tension — for there is nothing like making as much as we can of 
the little we have. So mote it be ! 



BLIND FOOLISHNESS. 

Text. — I saw a mouse within a trap, 
'Poor little thing,' said I, 
'Oh ! why so foulihh to go in 1 
Pray tell me, mousey — why "?' 

My Hearers: mice are foolish little animals; they sacrifice their 
souls for a crumb of cheese, the same as you do yours for a few 
lumps of gold. I can cobble up an excuse, however, for the mice . 
it is absolute hunsrer that drives them to d&sliuction ; but you jump 
into a pit or misery for the sake of someth'ng thnt you want h\ii 
don \ Nfiicij any more than a wiuie in-.i;- needs mittens and an ovftr- 



i4-l SHORT PATENT SERMOy% 

coal. Why will you ? — oh ! why will yor, . >*mren, for the sak 
of a s';iny dollar, allow yourselves to be entrapped by that arch* 
enemv of mankind, who goes about, according to scripture, 'seek* 
in<^ where he might suck somebody in !' 

j\ly friends : in every path of life the devil sets his traps; and it 
is curious to see the funny beasts, birds, and reptiles, he catches. 
Poor penniless creatures are driven in by necessity, and men of 
wealth and apparent respectability are caught by their own indis- 
cretion at last. Many a priest has he counted as game; and it is 
but two or three years since he caught a bishop by the tail, in the 
state of New York ; but as to how he escaped, thereby still hangs 
a tale — most probably by a compromise. What are the traps 1 
you inquire. Why, my friends, every rum-mill, groggery and tip- 
pling-shop (where they don't sell good liquor) is a trap set by the 
devil to catch those who are guilty of not having over three cents 
in their pockets for the time being. 

My hearers : far be it from me to advise you to go to the devil, 
in any emergency ; but avoid his traps. Keep out of Wall street. 
Church street, and never enter the doors where they retail distilled 
damnation — liquid hell-fire at three cents a go ; and I wouldn't in- 
sure your your souls, under a heavy per centage, were I certain 
that you imbibed alcohol at even a shilling a nip. Young men! 
ook out for the traps and snares of the world, or you may have a 
chance to squeal when it is too late for succor. Every pleasure 
nath its poison, and each sweet a snare, as hath been truly said by 
somenody. It was 'ever thus from childhood's hour' — yea, it al- 
ways has been so since Nature was a little girl and wore panta- 
lettes. And you, ye gray-haired worshippers at the shrine of 
Mammon ! if you allow your avaricious propensities to get and 
keep the belter of that divine creature called Conscience, you will 
worry out the remainder o/ your days in a cage of misery and 
torment — in a trap-cage set b) Satan and baited with a sixpence. 
Brethren I — one and all — don't be, caught with chaff, saw-dust nof 
gold-dust; but pursue the even course of prudence and beauty; 
i.\A should you happen to get into the mire of misfortune, Heaveu 
Hope, Patience and Perseverance will as surely put you upon si. 
lid ground again as (by the looks of the wea.iicr) it will be a tail 
day to-morrow, b-n mote it be i 



I 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 149 

ON LOVR AND FLOWERS. • 

Text. — 'Yoims: Lovp oir^e m a ^anlpn strayef^. 

Where Philonn"'. h?" «!tar-\vatch keeping, 
To the Ia!v moon h;8 flute so n'avel. 

That flowers, oppressed with joy, hung woti ing 
And fairy elves, in lily hells, 

Entrance!, forgot to weave their spells/ 

My TIrarers: All of my discourses, you well know, have a mo 
ra'. rather than a religious nature; hut in their moral, mind ye, a 
few seeds of religion may be picked out, just as well as not: anJ 
if you don't do it, it isn't my fault, no more than I should be to 
blame if j'ou were all to go to destruction with a lot of my ser- 
mons in your pockets Now, there is a great deal of religion, as 
well as morality, in love — it is good enouy;h week-day religion for 
any one: hut it must be pure, genuine, unadulterated love — love 
for everything virtuous, fair and beautiful — love for the sex, love 
for truth, love for honesty, love for one another, and lastly, but 
not leastly, love for flowers, [Tt has not yet been decided among 
politicians whether love for hard cider is religion or not.] Yes, 
my friends, you must all love flowers, or you can't have the ele- 
ments of true love in your souls. If you despise flowers, you 
despise me, and mock my religion. I never knew a person, since 
I shed my swaddlings, that looked upon flowers with cold indif- 
ference, but was morose, soggy, and perfectly destitute of love. 
All the tender sympathies for ever ice-bound in the frigid zone of 
the heart, can awaken, in such a wretch, none of those fine ex- 
quisite sensibilities which aiimate the lover of flowers, virtue and 
women, and render him an ornament to those paths in which he 
is <le?tined to locomote. Love — the little boy, Love — the begot- 
ten of the k eraphim and Cherubim — was born in the midst of a 
beautiful ga.den, in dog days, and beneath the umbrage of a cool- 
ing bower. The first naturalized kick he gave was upon a bed of 
roses, amid .he aroma of ten million different flowers, from the 
scer.ti.ess toadstool of Down East, to the sweet-smelling zinziber 
of the West Indies. When the infant god first shook the dew 
from his new-fledged pinions, and tried them to the balmy breeze 
of Hiorn, there was a happy devil at work in the garden, and no 
tv^o ways. A magnetic thrill of joy, my hearers, caught the fin- 
ders of an erratic squash vine, and shot over the whole vegetabU 
10 



146 SHORT PATENT SKRMONS. 

With the speed of liquid ]ig:htning. It didn't stop here — it conti- 
nued on from plant to plant, and :rom shrub to shrub, bursting 
buds in its course, and adding new blossoms to every stalk. Phi- 
lomel — that pretty speck of melody blown out of Paradise — came 
and tuned his flute upon the hawthorn, and poured such enchant 
ing notes into the listening ear of the lady-moon, that she blushed 
like a boiled lobster. The harebells, lilies, roses, geraniums, dai- 
sies holly-hocks and butter cups, all hung down their heads, and 
wept honied tears of ecstacy. The elves and the fairies were 
spell-bound at the serenade, and forgot to come the science over 
the mysteries of moonlight. Dame Nature pulled up her under 
linen a couple of inches, and danced to the merry beatings of hei 
own heart, Philomel's flute, and the glad music of the spheres. 
0, my friends, there was a glorious time when young Love first 
strayed in the garden — in the garden of Eden, I mean — because 
there is where he made his debut, and promised that the drama of 
life should go off happily — and so it would, if the devil in the pit 
hadn't kicked up a muss and spoilt the whole — just like the old 
fool ! But, my friends, we have this g orious consolation — I say 
glorious consolation, because it is a superbly glorious consolation 
— and that is, he hasn't cheated us out of all love. He has only 
iniused a poison into parts of it — made some of it impure. It 
remains for you to obtain that which is untainted by the foul filth 
of the world ; and let me tell you how to do that thing. Just 
scrape a smelling acquaintance with flowers; become familiar with 
them; court their society often; and I don't care if your hearts 
are harder than Dutch cheese, they will soon begin to soften in 
the warm liquor of friendship, and be ready for pickle in the syrup 
of love. It will take the meat-axe out of your tempers — civilize 
you, and render you fit subjects for the kingdom of everlasting 
happiness. I tell you, my hearers, that you must be on good 
terms with garden flowers, or you never can enjoy that pure love 
which is the foundation of all holiness, and binds members of the 
human family together, with rosy wreaths of peace. If you don't 
love flowers, you can't belong to my church, and the sooner you 
get out of it the better for me and the cause which I have labored 
for years to build up. Now, as the season is approaching when 
the children of Flora put on their gayest attire, wear the brightest 
htooui on their cheeks, ai d are most vvDithy of being beloved, ) 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 14? 

hope and pray that you will occasionally quit these vice-stained 
streets, take a walk into the country, and become morally renova- 
ted by a fi'iendly intercourse with flowers. If you would all 
tread in my footsteps, you might find yourselves, every now and 
then, in the midst of a blooming paradise, planted to the eastward 
of the southern extremity of Broadway, called Hogg's Garden. 
O, my friends, it is a delightful spot! where flowers from all climes 
are for ever breathing the sweetest of fragrance, and whispering, 
in unknown tongues, of friendship, love and affection. I go there 
frequently, and return with a bosom full of sentiment and philan- 
thropic love, and much better prepared for my Sunday duties than 
before. I bring bouquets to the city — and little children and 
pretty girls run after me by instinct — for such is the effect flowera 
have on innocence and virtue — but as I pass down Wall street the 
sinful men of the world take no notice of what I carry in my 
hand, knowing that the buds are not silver, nor the blossoms gold. 
Such is the non-effect they have on vice. These men will go to 
torment, because they don't like flowers — but I beg of you, my 
friends, to go out to that garden occasionally, wives, sweethearts 
and all, and have your minds purified, your fierce dispositions 
mollified, the virtue of flowers testified, by having your morala 
rectified, and the truth of my doctrine exemplified. So mote it be ! 



ON THE PRACTISED ARTS OF LOVE. 

TiXT. — Do anything but love; 

Or if thou lovest, and art a woman, 
Hide thy love from him whom thou dost wcslirp, 
Never let him know how dear he is ! 
Flit like a bird before him ; lead him from tree to tree, 
From flower to flower — but be not won 
Or thou wilt, like that bird, when caged and caught, 
Be left to pine neglected. — [L. E. Landon. 

My Hearers : I've found it all out — I have been tee-totally bam 
boozied. I said, while under the hydrophobia of revenge a feA^ 
Sundays ago, that women hadn't any love; but now I begin to 
feel a little sorry about it. I've had all the girls, from the Bull'a 
Head to the Battery, in my flax since then. One thought me real 



148 SHORT PATENT SERMOH8. 

mean for uttering such super-diabniiral sentiments — another said 
T didn't know anything about the nature of wonnan, or was too 
old to appreciate the influence of love in anybody — and othera 
stuck to it that I must have been disappointed in some love scrape, 
and only wanted to fall out, for the sake of kissing and making 
it up again ; and so I've catched it right and left. Now tlie fact 
of the matter is, I have been deceived. I was under the impres- 
sion that, if there was any such thing as love in the girl kind, it 
would stick out so as to be seen with half an eye. But I see how 
It is. They hide their love, as my text says — I wouldn't have 
thought it — but Miss Landon has told them to do it; and she 
knows what's what as well as that woman who broomed me out 
of the house a spell ago. 0, these girls are cunning creatures ! 
Well, I like 'em the better for their seeming coldness, since I am 
fully convinced that they actually possess a quantum sufficient of 
that exhilarating gas, called love, which diffuses itself throughout 
this oviparious, sublunary world of ours, and impregnates the 
whole human race with witching symptoms of ideality, and en- 
genders a spirit of good will among the gregarious sexes ! As old 
as I am, T even love the fair sex, for the shrewdness and scientific 
tricks they display when admirers 'are trying to coax them into the 
rat-traps of their affections. If further proof than my text offers 
is needed, that women are tinctured with the pure essence of love, 
I will quote a passage from Ovid, whose veracity is uncomovera- 
ble, and can't be disputed : ' Girlandum qui loveabus cupideran- 
dum, et posse comitatus flirtie femini, hoc homo quid tobacco-juice 
eon amoriso kissandum pro sighandum, sine desperando nihil 
faintabit.' 

Now, my dear female auditors, having proved, fairly, directly, 
perpendicularly, horizontally and collaterally, that Cupid is the 
fledgling of your bosoms, and true love the offspring of your 
hearts, I mean to go half the figure with you and my text in 
speaking of its exercise, ft tells you to do anything but love — a 
stumper to begin with — can't go in for that. You ought *o love, 
because it is the soul of that religion which cherishes peace and 
harmony on earth, and adds lustre to the diadems of angels in 
heaven. But you may conceal this love as long as you think 
proper. It is often the best way to make admirers think you don't 
r^re much about them; for they aie sure W" lore vou the more. 



8W0RT PATENT SERMONS. 149 

una will use greater exertions to win you over into the moonshine 
of their affections. It's no use of telling you to hide your love 
under a bushel, because I know you oftentimes do it, whether or 
no. A.S nny old friend Shakspere says, you don't always tell your 
love, but let concealment, like a moth in a red woolen blanket, 
feed upon your dawask cheeks. It's all right — perfectly right — 
go it girls, with a deer-like shyness! Lead the lover on, from 
tree to tree, and flower to flower, like the eastern bird of hope — 
but don't let him come near enough to sprinkle salt on your necks, 
or you are gone sparrows. Keep just such a distance before him 
— and this distance will lend a very peculiar enchantment to hia 
view; your defects, if you have any, will wholly disappear, and 
your beauties will glisten, like a tin teapot on the summit of a 
heaven-kissing hill. [Shakspere.] Yes, as you recede from the 
lover's gaze, your charms will increase in splendor, inasmuch as 
the golden atmosphere of love will fall between, and you will ap- 
pear before his treacherous vision like beings of light surrounded 
by a halo of glory. You should follow up this game till you find 
your pursuer is dead set on taking you into the ark of connubial 
happiness ; and then you may allow yourself to be cornered up, 
but don't give up too suddenly, or it may spoil all the fun ; rather 
contrive some way to get into close quarters — and even then, you 
must dodge round and try to elude every earnest grasp, till you 
find you can't struggle any longer with the giant impulses of tht 
heart. Then yield at once in the blissful agony of submission, 
and say, 

Here, sir, I give myself away,m 
'Tis all that I can do.' 

Follow this method, and you will secure to yourself such ma- 
trimonial peace and comfort as an abrupt union can neither give 
nor take away. I don't care what my text says — depend upon it, 
you will not be left to pine neglected, like a maiden robin in. a 
(Solitary cage. No, my dear young females — a person vA\o has 
experienced so much trouble, and used such persevering exfrlions 
to coax his dear turtle dove to his bosom, will never loi<ake it 
when once secure in his affectionate embrace. He will prt'..^;, it to 
his heart in times of danger, sorrow and affliction — support .-nd 
cherish it as the companion of his lonely hours, and cling to him 



150 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

even when the shears of Death are about to clip the conjugal 
thread, and separate them for ever. 

My hearers — happy unions may sometimes agree with hasty 
marriagps ; but the best way to ensure happiness is to live as 
though we were married but yesterday ; and add to the present 
enjoyment the firm resolution of becoming more moral, more vir- 
tuous, more pious, and consequently more happy, till we are called 
upon to give in the sum total of all our virtues and vices, at the 
har of Heaven. So mote it be ! 



ON DANCING. 



Text. — Lost they not then all sense of present woe. 

In that wild dance 1 Thus musing as I gazed, 

O it was beautiful to see them throw 

Up their sinister leg, and, with hands raised, 

Politely intimate, while poised so, 

At each gyration's close, that they did 'jump Jim Crow.' 

My Dear Hearers : I have no doubt but the subject before me 
might be a source of bunkum delight to young men afflicted WMth 
levity, and girls of hyperbolical giddiness, were I to descant upon 
it according to their notions of fun, pleasure and happiness, in 
this take-in sort of a world. I wouldn't have you think that I am 
tee-totally opposed to dancing in every shape — for the very plain 
reason that I used to heel and toe it a trifle, ere my old legs had 
refused to perform the bidding of the will, as is now the case. 
But the fact is, I \vas wont to cut it down too strong altogether — 
I carried the step too far — went the double-shuffle too mightily — 
but I couldn't help it. I w^as obliged to mind the music and keep 
up with my partner; and the way she would balance up, and right- 
and-left, was significant of something more than nothing. I soon 
began to lose health, flesh, cash and morality; and finally to!d 
all the frivolities of the w^orld to go to pot, and I would go to 
preaching — preach good morals, moderation, temperance, love, and 
a particular cautious slep in the scientific practice of dancing. I 
don't like the looks of such ball-rooms as they have lately, nor 
the way they manage matters. Artificial corruptness covers over 
and •iestro'^s all that beautiful simplicity which graces the domes- 



iHORT PATENT SERMONS. 151 

tic circle. The girls are all so titivated off with false beauty and 
dipperjigs, that a fellow loses his heart before he knows it; and 
the plaji^ue of it is, he don't know which of the fair ones has got 
it. Generally speaking, it's much better for him if he never finds 
it out; for he should take into consideration, that everything is 
not gold that glitters — neither is every girl an angel, though she 
|!i.les through the mazes of the dance like a spirit clothed with 
the rainbow and studded with stars. He may behold his admired 
object, on the morrow, in the true light of reality — perchance 
emptying a wash-tub in the gutter, with frock pinned up behind — 
her cheeks pale for the want of paint — her hair mussed and mossy, 
except what lies in the bureau — and her whole contour wearing 
the appearance of an angel rammed through a bush fence into a 
world of wretchedness and woe. Now, my dear friends, suppos- 
ing a }*oung man does happen to find his snatched-up beauty in 
such a predicament 1 I say it is a glorious recommendation for 
him — and if he don't like it, he must keep away from those places 
where loveliness is patched up for the occasion, and where a she 
devil and a she seraph are one and the same thing. Every ball, 
now-a-days, is a masquerade- its attendants are as false as they 
appear to be fair — and when day-light comes to uniriask them, 
they can boast of no great attiactions, either inside or out. They 
are too fond of blowing it out 'till day-light doth apjiear," instead 
of hanging up their fiddles at eleven o'clock, and winding otf with 
' Lord dismiss us with thy blessing,' as was the case in the good 
old days of yore. Dancing has been gathering a thick coat of 
coiruption for a long time. The primitive Shaker jig is the only 
pure pigeon wing, to my notion, though I never went their figure. 
The old down-outside-and-back is the next natural and simple 
form of leg worship; the Jim Crow jump is a falling ofif from 
eithei — and the fashionable capers cut at the present day are all 
stupid nonsense. What meaning is there in what they call a quin- 
tiliion 1 It's all full ot such hog-latin as dose-a-do.-se ! lemonade 
all ! pussay ! alamode at the corners ! chase-here-de-chase-hore ! 
and so on, and so forth. Waltzing is more stupid yet — nobody 
can do it real slick unless they have the spring-hait in one leg, aa 
horses sometimes have. When I see a chap hugged up to a girl, 
performing c'^nstant revolutions, at the rate of six to a minute, I 
^n't help suspecting that he is trying to get round her in a ver> 



152 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

nonsensical way. 0, this waltzing is a silly piece of business. 
A piij'l'y whirling round after his tail makes a more respectable 
appearance than a couple of our Heavanly Father's images in the 
ludicrous position of waltzing. If dancing must be done at all, I 
Bay let it be done decently and in order — after the manner of the 
times in which I came the ajetta to a nicety. Let the figure be 
simple — keep at a respectful distance while balancing to partners 
— and when you go down the middle, don't squeeze hands too 
tight, and look out for the corn plantations on either side. 

My beloved friends : it always affords me a full purse of plea- 
sure to see my young pupils happy in the enjoyment of rational 
pastime. I would not, for the world, throw aloes in the wine-cups 
of young men 5 neither could I have the cruelty to force worm- 
wood tea down the delicate throats of those dear, delightful an- 
gels who honor me with their presence. But while drinking from 
the pitcher of pleasure, you must be careful and not drink so deep 
as to make a buzzing quill factory of your cock-lofts. If you do, 
you may stand a chance to learn St. Vitus' dance, or be obliged to 
dance down the dark alley, to the tune of Delirium Tremens. 
Think of this, my young friends, and toe out like a tea-stand ! 1 
know, full well, that you find a good deal of fun in your wild 
dances — you lose, at the time, all sense of present woe, and fee) 
light as corks; but mind, I tell ye, if you keep it up of a nigh' 
till you get your pores too far open, the storm that may blow on 
the morrow will beat in, till you become water -soaked, and finally 
sink down beneath the waves of corruption, to rise no moie. 
May each of you weigh my sentiments on the subject with the 
steelyards of prudence — dance not on slippery pla'^es — and return, 
as far as convenient, toward the good old ways 0/ your ancestors. 
So mote it be ! 



ON UNION. 

Text.— ' Union,' the woods, 'union,' the floods, 
'Union,' the hollow mountains ring. 

My Hearers : if we look abroad, cast a philosophic eye ovei 
what Nature, or Nature's God has created, we sbill find that co- 
hesive union (everywhere exists. The rocks are attached to eacb 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 15S 

Other — the trees of the foust grow quietly togethe; without disa- 
Cjrcement, or the slightest manifestation of ill-will one towards an- 
othor. The seas and the flood^^, as they ro'l, seem to murmur and 
complain, as though naught but unhappiness had fallen to their 
lot; yet wave follows wave — where one goes, the other goes — 
where one sleeps the other sleeps ; and when storms and tempests 
arise to tiouble, if one be shaken, the other must be shook, too. 
There's union for you, my friends, which you would do well to 
take a fattern from. The stars in the firmament sing together — 
the bugs, bees, caterpillars, butterflies, birds, and all kinds of in- 
sects, seem to dwell together in harmony, friendship and love ; 
with the exception of some instances where the principle seems to 
be sustained that 'might makes right.' 

My friends — be united. 'In union, as well as in an onion, 
there is strength.' A house divided against itself must come 
down. In politics, and in relation to my particular friends, the 
Democrats, the force of this principle has been strongly demon- 
strated. The Old Hunkers and the Barnburners could do no- 
thing but disagree ; the consequence of which is, they ' Lost their 
election.' 'Make your election sure,' says the good Book ; and 
to do this, you must be united, t am glad to see, however, that 
something like a spirit of brotherly love has lately been stirred up 
among you. You seem to feel the necessity of union — you are 
determined to act upon this necessity ; and, if you don't whip the 
Whigs for the two following years, you disgrace your political 
profession, are a dishonor to your country, and unworthy of the 
name 'Locoroco.' As forme, I always assist the party I think is 
going to win. I have helped the bear heretofore, but now I in- 
tend to help YOU — provided you help yourselves as much as you 
can, by sticking together, like a flock of sheep, and huddling the 
closer the more furiously drives the storm. Let 'Union, for the 
sake of the Union" be henceforward our motto — our watchword 
— our shield — our musket — our shovel — our 'toothpick,' and our 
spade — and, just as sure as the glorious sun shall shine on my 
straw hat to-morrow, we shall go on ' conquering and to' eat clams, 
till the last vestige of Whiggery is swept into the dark north-east 
forner of oblivion — besides doing other great things. 

My dear friends: what a lovely sight it would be, too, to see all 
the different religious sects and denominations throughout the 



154 SHORT PATENT SF.RMON8. 

world, united in spirit, faith and doctrine! — all worshi]»ping aftel 
the same form and manner, in one grand, magnificent temple, as it 
were : whose dome is the blue-arched sky ; whose aiiar is the 
eternal mountain ; and whose broad aisle is the valley of the Mis- 
B.'ssippi! Oh, what a beautiful picture for Contemplation to sit 
and fan herself over ! There, in the yonder green and eve;-fresh 
pastures of universal love, harmony and truth, are ihe various 
flocks all feeding quietly together — all nibbling the same spiritual 
grass, or lying in the shade and chewing the same kind of cud 
(not tobacco, brethren,) — all receiving the salt of salvation from 
the different shepherds, no one of which pretends to be purer and 
cleaner than another, and all cooling their noses and quenching 
their thirst at the same refreshing and ever-running rivulet of love 
and good will ! — ewes, lambs, wethers, and rams with the rest. 
0, this were a glorious sight! but I am afraid, brethren, that Time 
will snap our brittle thread of life long before it can be brought 
about. If this thread was only made of india-rubber, and large 
enough, it might stretch ten years, on a steady pull ; but, alas ! 
there is little more strength to it than to what the spider spins ! 

I wish to see, dear brethren, a spirit of union everywhere pre- 
vail : among those of dilierent pursuits, callings and professions; 
among all societies, clubs and associations ; among the high and 
the low, the rich and the poor; among all partnerships — ])articu- 
laily those formed for life, by the uniting of hands and hearts ; 
and I may say, without committing an assault and battery upon 
propriety — of lips, too. Here is the kind of union that would 
make my soul purr like a kitten to see more fully manifested. 
All you young brothers and sisters who are outside the gate to the 
garden of connubial bliss, and fain would enter, come up, and 1 
will give you tickets to pass, at the rate of twelve shillings the 
cou])le. Come up to the altar, and be fixed off for only twelve 
shillings ! I want to make every one happy as possible ; there- 
fore, come up, and receive ten thousand dollars' worth of happi- 
ness for ONLY twelve shillings! Come and have the knot tied, 
tighter and cheaper than anywhere else! What! none come for- 
ward ? Yes, a solitary couple. Well, I marry you upon my pa- 
tent principle. ' Do you take one another for better or for worse T 
* We do.' ' Then I pronounce you two ' one of 'em.' As you are 
rather of a small pair, I shall charge you but ten shillings and six- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 155 

ijcnce — go, aid be happy!' Now, my unmarried heaiers. 1 hope 
and trii>t that, ere another week shall have rollel aioiind, many 
of you will have made up your minds to strengthen the bonds oi 
union in general, by uniting one with another, thereby securing 
perpetual bliss to yourselves, and — twei > e shillings to me. S« 
iiote it be ! 



ON THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS 



Text. — Though no word may be spoken, 

My welfare to tell. 
When I send thee a token, 

Decipher it well; 
In my desolate hours 

My solace shall be. 
In the language of flowers 

To whisper to thee. 

My Faithful Hearers : I 'spose you know well enough that 
there are more languages on the face of the globe than you can 
shake a stick at, or cypher up on a slaty in a dog's age. There 
are all kinds of gibberish, from Cherokee up to Chaldee — but I 
consider the old English the best of any agoing ; because it is just 
as plain as A, B, C — so plain that he who runs may read, and 
know exactly what it means. Every other language is mere 
geese-gabble ; jabber-jabber, google-google. Those who talk it 
can't make each other understand, without a wriggling about, and 
bobbing up and dovrn of heads, just as the geese do. Bat they 
contrive to get along, some how or other — so, they may talk Tur- 
key, Tonga-wanga or low Dutch, for aught I care. Between you 
and me, and the lamp post, my friends — tongues are not always 
necessary to express and convey ideas. There is a language in 
almost every thing, in the heavens above, the earth beneath, and 
the place down below — excepting in shell-fish and saw-dust pud- 
dings. The birds, beast?, and insects, all understand each other, 
'ike bedfellows. The Naiades prattle in the brooks — old Neptune 
grumbles on the ocean — Diana sings in the woods — and Flora, the 
fair mistress of flowers, teaches her blooming children to converse 
with man in a mysterious language, but plain enough to be under- 
stood by those who will lend an ear to their silent eloquence 



156 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Yes, my hearers, every flower has a sentiment to iinpart and if 
you'll keep awake long enoUj^n, i'li paiuculanze a ii.le. 

The rose speaks of beauty — it is called the Queen of F.owera 
— (not Queen Victoria — she's a pond-lily, surrounded by bull frogs 
and water-lizards) — it blooms and looks lovely but for a short 
time — its blushing petals soon fade, and the rough winds scatter 
them abroad — telling that beauty is evanescent, and won't stand 
the scruhbing-brush of time. It is guarded by thorns, the same 
as some girls are all stuck round with pins — cautioning the em- 
bracers of beauty to look well, or they may get scratched a few. 
The myrtle is always full of hope and expectation — it keeps 
green, and never turns pale with disappointment. When a young 
man sends a myrtle to his sweetheart, she has a right to expect a 
visit from him instanter; because the vegetable can't lie. The 
jasmine is a pretty little flower, and I hope my young female 
hearers will heed its moral. It is an emblem of simplicity ; and 
shows that a girl's heart, free from guile — not too fond of setting 
traps — is the coiner-stone of beauty. It braves the storms of win- 
ter, as an artless heart does the blasts of adversity and ill-luck. 
The hollyhock is ambition itself — its blossoms seem to strive for 
the ascendancy on the parent stem ; and those nearest the top have 
the toughest time of it in the gale. People generally don't know 
how cold it is on the top of Mount Ambition. The yellow day- 
lily represents coquetry, because its flowers don't last over a day. 
So it is with all coquettes — they have their day, as well as dogs ; 
and the dogs of it is, they arn't worth a tinkers dog when they 
are in full blossom. The tulip is the posie for lovers. It is al- 
ways used as a declaration of affection. When I first saw my 
wife, (that was,) I didn't tell her right out that I loved her; so I 
sent her a tulip, and it did the thing, just like a knife — she knew 
what it meant. Madder, my friends, is a true emblem of calumny 
— its leaves make a stain that wont wash out with soap-suds and 
potash. I advise you to talk with this flow^er, and never backbite 
your neighbors — for the marks left, where their backs are bitten, 
will always remain. The lilac ir.eans forsaken. When a beau 
don't intend to le his aflfections hang on any longer, he should 
send his girl a lilac, and she'll know directly that he means to be 
o-p-h, like a pot lid. I must call the attention of some of my 
heaters *'^ one particular flower — and that's the T^un-flower. It ii 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 157 

n picture of h ass-faceitiveness. It can look at the sun ■without 
blushing;, and stare the moon out of countenace — it carries its head 
altoojether too hig^h, and has nothing to recommend it but che black 
seeds of impudence! I coulJ tell yo^' lots more about the lan- 
guage of flc wers ; but pay attention j what I have given — con- 
verse with them often, and compare their sentiments with those 
that have taken root in your hearts. Let no madder, sun-flowers, 
night-shade, pig-weed, and such like vegetables, find a genial soil 
in your bosoms — if they already have, hoe them out immediately, 
for they will overrun the whole mord garden, and prevent fair 
Virtue's flowers from putting forth a single bud. 

There is a little flower, called the violet, that young ladies should 
profit by. It indicates modesty, and, to my notion, is the prettiest 
child of the whole floral family. To see it lying in its grassy 
cradle, looking up so lovely, and with a dewy tear-drop resting in 
its little blue eye, is enough to give one the kiss-distemper! I 
flatter myself I see a great many violets among n^y congregation. 
I saw lots of artificial ones last night, going up and down Broad- 
way. T knew such flowers as they wern't genuine, as quick as I 
smelt them. But, my hearers, it matters not what kind of vege- 
tation you are; you will all soon be cut down by the scythe of 
Time. You don't flourish long before you are lopped off. It has 
been truly said, that you spring up like a hoppergrass, grow like 
peppergrass, and are cut down like sparrowgrass. Think of these 
things, and be prepared for a final arl happy transplantation to 
that land where buds of purity alone can blossom. So mote it he ! 



WOMAN — HER POWER. 



Text. — Oh woman, woman, woman ; all the gods 
Have not such power of doing good to men 
As you of doing harm ! — [Dryden. 

My Hearers: there is no doubt but Woman brings as much wo 
And wretchedness to man as does that root of all evil, money. 
We of the opposite gender quarrel, fight and toil for both, and by 
both not unfrequently are made miserable. I would not have the 
fair portion of my audience suspect me of believing that they do, 
taken in a lump, more harm than good to men- but that they have 



liSS SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

THE powEB of making more mischief among us weak and erring 
ions of sit than ever had Satan when he was al'owel to wandef 
at will up ar.c down the earth in search of ihose whom he m'ghl 
feel disposed to devour. It was woman that first ate of the apple 
of sin in Eden, and caused man to partake of the same — whereby 
deviltry, death and damnation came like a disease upon the world, 
which has now assumed such a chronic form as to defy eitliei 
preaching or any moral purgative that can be admini tered. When 
our first paternal parent was soundly sleeping in Paradise, amid 
the fresh-blown roses of peace, Heaven stole a portion of his finer 
but superfluous material to fit up a woman ; but had he been wide 
awake at the time, instead of napping, and could he have fore- 
known the misery that she afterward brought upon him, he never 
would have consented to the operation that was performed upon 
him. 

My friends : Woman is the fountain of all human frality. 
Were it not for her, we should exhibit moral might and strength, 
where now we show nothing but weakness. She draws from us 
the life-sustaining sap of virtuous resolution — encourages our am- 
bition to beyond its proper point — she is the bane of empire and 
the root of power — causes mischiefs, murders, massacres ; and 
damns us faster than Providence can save. Allow me to ask, with 
my old friend Otway, what ills might not have been done by wo- 
man ? Who was it that betrayed the capitol ? A woman ! Who 
was the cause of a long ten years' war, that laid old Troy at last 
in ashes 1 A w^oman ! Who lost Marc Antony, what he termed, 
the world ? A woman ! Yes, it was a woman — the same deceit- 
ful kind of a creature that was at first given to man as a blessing, 
and afterwards proved his bane. There was a time when Inno- 
cence and Love slept as sweetly together, beneath a heaven-built 
bower of bliss, as a twnn pair of babes in a cradle; but woman 
led them astray ; and now they no longer go hand in hand, but 
wander solitary and alone over the sterile plains of vice and licen- 
tiousness. Woman, always in quest of some new adventure, saw 
jhe devil — changed her love — inclined her soul to his temptations 
— and, for the sake of a wormy pippin, brought enough wo and 
.misery upon all mankind to create a yellow fever in the coldest 
corner of eternity. 
My hearers : Womi n sometimes sews the seeds of sorrow among 



SHORT r\TF,NT SERMONS. If^ 

oiir flowers of joy^ and sticks pins through our trovtsers when we 
suspect she only intf nds to tickle. She coaxes us with her smilrs, 
and leads us astray by her arts ; and yat, after all, we must ac- 
knowledge that the weakness is ours and the power is hers. 1 iib 
feminine race of mortals appear to be governed by an absolute 
and stubborn fate. There is no removing the land-marks of their 
love; and their detestation can be bounded by no certain limits. 
When they love, they love with a looseness; and when they hate, 
jt is entirely on the high pressure principle. When a female has 
her affections once fairly fastened upon a man, you can no more 
detach them by persuasion than you can coax a couple oi angry 
hull dogs from each other, with a slice of raw beef. The women 
have beauty and pride, which makes mankind their slaves ; and 
nothing, save the soft soap of flattery, can induce them to unloose 
the fetters from one poor mortal and bind them upon another. 
Pour out a few drops of praise upon woman from your vials of 
admiration, and the apparent ossification of her heart is ^mi.ie li- 
ately reduced to the consistency of calf's head jelly for there is 
no mistake but the thoughtless sex are oftentimes caught by empty 
noise, despite their pretensions to almost absolute power in the oi- 
fices of love. 

My fair feminine hearers : although you possess the power of 
making a vast deal of mischief among the mass of mankind, I 
would not, for the world, be so uncharitable as to suppose that 
you always take advantage of this power, for the purpose of 
playing the Old Harry with us of the masculine gender. You are 
not to be blamed for your beauty, nor censured for those attrac- 
tions over which you have no control. If a moth flutters around 
the alluring blaze of a candle, and scorches its wings, it is all 
ov/ing to its indiscretion, and no fault whatever can be attached to 
to the fatal fire by which it dies. Nature made you, my dear 
females, to temper man — to smoothe the asperities of his nature, 
which IS as rough as the back of a hog, when manipulated 'rom 
the tail headward — and so long as you scatter roses among our 
daily v/alks, T, for one, won't grumble if a few thorns of wo are 
concealed beneath the bright blossoms of love. Without you w€ 
e\idently should have been brutes, caring for nothing save the 
sensual enjoyment of the present, and as utterly regardless of the 
future "s a ral, aibbiiiig at ihe bail of a steel-trap. Angels, it is 



1(JA SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Raid, are painted fair to look like you ; for in you we fanc^ that 
we behold all brightness, all purity, all truth, eternal joy and ever- 
lasting love — notwithstanding we sometinnes get deceived, and af- 
terwards detest the very name of Woman. You are the last and 
t'ery best reserve of God ; but when your moral characters be- 
come stained witli sin, and bespotted with vice, you are looked 
I'pon as the most loathsome of reptiles that cast their slime upon 
the fair surface of the earth. Your power fordoing either harm 
or good remains with you so long as Virtue is your aid and pro- 
tectress, and no longer. You can make mischief among men by 
causing them to fieht, bleed and die for you, while your inclina- 
tions are virtuous and your actions are exemplary; but as soon as 
your rudders of virtue are lost from the sterns of your frail ves- 
sels, you are left to the mercy of the winds and the waves ; and, 
with all your false show, false colors, and doubtful singnals of 
distress, no one will deign to assist you. 

Let your aitractii.ns be inward as well as outward, my young 
females — wear no paint upon your cheeks — no artificial smiles 
upon your features — carry no dissemblance in your hearts — and 
then if you are the cause of harm among men, the weakness i« 
**heirs, and to you belongs the glory of being possessed of such 
lovely attributes as to command the respect and the admiration of 
ii.^, woi^d. So mote it be ! 



ON PATIENCE. 

T'Tyr. — There's not a virtue in the bosom lives 

That gives such ready pay as patience gives. 

'vTy Reapers: There can be no question but it would be bettei 
tor most of you did you possess in a greater degree a certain asi- 
nine virtue, called patience. It would be much to your gain and 
glory for you to make jack-asses of yourselves in this respect. 
The ass that patiently bears his t irden, from day to day, feels far 
more at ea^e, and is much better off than the mettlesome colt thai 
kicks lor a while in the traces, /)ruises its own heels, and has to 
submit, after all, to the will of the wagoner. It is known to you 
ail, beloved frienJs, that the cat, by patient sitting and watching, ia 



I 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 161 

Ainiost certain to catch the mouse; hut the hound thai hurries af- 
Jer Ihe hare, worries anil fati.e:ues himself oftentin.es in vain 
That paradise of happiness for which we are all seeking is hedged 
in, an 1 surrounded bv. thorns : an I he that endeavors to rush ra>h!y 
through them, is sure to be wounded and impeded in his progress 
— but the one that picks his way patiently escapes unscratched, 
and unexpectedly finds himself in the elysium of the blest. Oh, 
patience can accomplish more than mortals dream of! No great 
design was ever snatched at once. The ingenious nest must first 
be built — the egg must then be laid — and patience must sit upon it 
till the chicken is hatched. Rome, that wasn't built in a day, still 
lift*- her exalted head, an everlasting monument of patience ; — and 
if all unmarried people who how sit wriggling in their chairs or 
lie tossing in their beds, impatient to get a taste of the sweets of 
matrimony, would quietly wait their time, genuine happiness 
would be more likely to attend them in the event. 

My friends : ancient Job was smitten with sore biles, from the 
crown of his head to the sole of his foot ; but, instead of cursing 
God and dying, he was enabled, by patience, to sing in his suffer- 
mgs, even as a tea-kettle singeth with its bottom upon the burning 
coals. Adam exhibited much patience ere he found a wife to 
cheer him ; and a great deal more, after he got a wife to vex him. 
ft was through patience that Eiisha dwelt so long by the brook in 
the wilderness, dependent upon precarious crows for hi., food. 
Patience caused the seven years' pasturage of Nebuchadnezzar to 
appear but so many months. Patience, amalgamated with an im- 
plicit trust in Providence, kept Jonah alive in the whale's belly: 
— and it is only by the .most enduring patience, my friends, that 1 
continue, from year to year, to sow the seeds of moral advice upon 
every sort of soil, for the sake of seeing a few green blades spring 
op amid the burning sands of iniquity. As ' constant dropping 
will wear away stones,' so I mean to keep patiently pouring the 
oil of instruction upon your adamantine hearts, till they become 
as soft as putty and as absorbing as sponge. 

My dear hearers : there ire three things that no moral, christian 
or natural phdosophcr can put up with, with any degree of pa- 
tience — namely : an excruciating toothache, a loquacious bore, and 
a scolJing wife. Of hese evils there is no least to he chosen; 
an I he that is afflicted with either of them is certainiv an obiecl 
11 



ftt2 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

of pily ; but most of the trials, vexations and troubles that attcir^ 
us in life can be overcome by patience, proper perseverance, ami 
a firm reliance upon the protecting care of Providence. A too 
l^reat eagerness for things desirable and tempting is the cause of 
half your misery. Like foolish rats and mice, you enter the trap 
cage and nibble at the cheese of temptation, without first consult- 
ing how you are to get out — you follow the will-o'-the-wisps of 
pleasure, even to the centre of the swamps of destruction — you 
wade in deep and dangerous waters for the purpose of grasping at 
imaginary bubbles ; and sometimes give Satan a mortgage upon 
your souls for the sake of a few hundred dollars. 

My friends : go and learn patience from the beasts, birds, in 
sects and reptiles. They are always content with what Nature 
provides for them to-day, and care less of to-morrow's fare. Their 
wants are few and easily supplied ; but you, discontented mortals, 
are never satisfied with a sufficiency. Give you enough to eat, 
drink and wear — ay, all the comforts that the world can afford — 
and you still have an eternal itching after honor, glory, praise, 
riches, or something else equally poisonous to peace and happi- 
ness. Instead of making yourselves uneasy in the anticipation of 
richer enjoyments yet to come, you ought to be satisfied with the 
repast of the present — but don't dip in too deeply. If you drink 
from the cup of pleasure till you become intoxicated, all present 
hilarity is sure to be soon turned into the saddest of melancholy. 
If you do nothing but sip at the sweets of the world, a sickening 
sensation around the heart soon ensues, and you feel far worse 
than you would had you partaken prudently of the dainties w^hich 
Heaven supplies. In the morning of youth you breakfast upon 
hope — take strong cups of the hot coffee of enthusiasm, sweet- 
ened with the sugar of incipient love, and seem to enjoy the feast 
like juvenile gods revelling amid ambrosial sweets — but you in- 
dulge with too much freedom altogether. At the mid-day of man- 
hood your fare is more substantial. On the table you find the 
corned beef of care — the mustard of misery- offensive onions of 
avarice, and a small quantity, indeed, of the true butter of bene- 
volence. You eat and get your fill, and then you go away com- 
plaining of indigestion and the wickedness of the world. In old 
age you sup upon sorrow, and lament that your appetites have 
gone and that yoi have lost all relish for earthly enjoyments. 



SHORT PATENT SEIIMONS. 163 

Thus you go forward, from the cradle to the grave, disdaining all 
plain but proper food, till it is too late forever to enjoy it; but if 
you will now make up your minds to live upon plain mutton and 
morality — the unseasoned soup of sobriety — and drink nothing 
but the pure water of wisdom, and have patience to put up with 
a few temporary annoyances, you will enjoy life's treat in a man- 
ner that becomes the rational portion of the Almighty's creation ; 
and, at last, go down to the grave uncorrupted in body and undis- 
eased in spirit. So mote it be ! 



INDEPENDENCE. 



Text. — Independence is the thing, 

And we're the boys to boast cn'l. 

My Hearers : Next Thursday is the birthJay of American Lib 
erty — the day upon which our star-spangled banner first waved in 
the fair breeze of Freedom — the day that the proud eag-le of the 
mountain first looked down from his eyry on a free and independ- 
ent nation — the day upon which the fat, ragged and saucy chil- 
dren of Columbia broke loose from the apron strings of their mo- 
ther country, and kicked up their heels for joy, like so many colts 
released from the bondage of winter's confinement. Ycu ought, 
on this occasion, to be as full of glory as a gin bottle, tnat this 
blessed anniversary is about once more to dawn upon your beads, 
and find you reaping the harvest of those blessings which your 
fathers sowed in revolutionary soil — watered with their own blood 
and manured with their own ashes. Yes, you ought to throw up 
your caps, and make the halls of Freedom ring with loud huzzas : 
and then sit down and meditate on the groans and the pains of 
travail which attended this mighty Republic during the delivery 
of her first born — Liberty. 

My friends: next Thursday the celebration will take place. 
Then the whole nation will be alive, like a beggar's shirt , there 
will be a general stirring up of the genus homo from one end of 
tlie nation to the other. The fires of enthusiasm will be kindled 
in every breast; and many of those who lack in patiiotic giory, 
will doubl^ess supply themselves with the arti*J? a.", the boothp 



164 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

round the Park But my dear friends, this sixpenny pat'I.tk'ja 
is most horrible stuff: it is patriotism of the head and not of tr«.» 
heart. It makes you feel too independent altogether. It indiirsft 
you to fight in limes of peace, and takes all the starch oot ot yo'H 
courage in times of war. While this artific'' 1 Datriotis.T is e iei- 
vescing in your cocoa-nuts, your boasts of iraependp.^ce are IduI 
and clamorous : but when its spirit has evaporated, yo-.i are tiiv 
veriest serviles that ever writhed under the lash of despoiisni. If 
you suppose, my friends, that the proper wav tc observe our na- 
tional independence is by drinking brandy slino-s c.,-A gi?. cockraiis* 
you are just as much mistaken as the boy was wno set a bear crap 
to catch bed-bugs. But I see there is very little use in scatT.e/ii>i>; 
the seeds of good advice upon such barren soil as ihe bosoms cf 
many now present. It is just about as easy to preach sdlvauon 
into a basket of stinking fish as to turn them from the eixor of 
their ways. 

My friends: while you are citizens of a free and independent 
republic, you should always let independence be your boast, but 
never forget the price at which it was purchased. It »'o;i.t Uncie 
Samuel something more than mere powder and shot. It co^'t him 
some of the most precious blood that eve coursed through the 
veins of mortality ; and the bones of martyred heroes that now 
lie crumbling in their sepulchres, or bleaching uoon the bartle- 
heUl, are the melancholy memoranda of the price at which cur 
liberty was purchased They offered themselves up as sacrifices 
upon their country's altar, in order that you and your children's 
children might live in clover, and feast upon the rich fruits of 
freedom, to the stomach's and heart's content. Will you then, my 
friends, break into the enclosures of the dead, and hckl drunken 
carousals upon the graves of your fathers who fought, bled and 
died in defence of your dearest rights 1 No — I am perfectly well 
convinced that most of you won't do any such thing; but, on the 
contrary, you will behave yourselves as men, patriots, christians, 
and gentlemen should ; and not like soaplocks and rowdies, v/ho 
would glory to deflower even the Goddess of Liberty herself, in 
fier own sacred temple. I know there will be some who declare 
themselves free and independent of all moral law, restraijit, order 
and decency — who will be so carried away with branily and en- 
thusiasm that it will lake a whole week for them to gather up 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 165 

Iheir scattered fragments of ideas, and return again to ihe home- 
stead of common sense and reason. 

My dear hearers : I like to hear you boast of your independ- 
ence, if it be not done in a vain and bragadocial spirit ; and my 
gratuitous prayer is, that you may maintain it so lorg as you are 
permitted to squat this side of the deep, still river of death. To 
preserve your collectiv-j strength, your hearts, your feelings, and 
your pure sympathies must be all joined together, like the links 
of a log chain. You must all hang together like a string of tish, 
snd stick to one another, through thick and thin, like a bunch of 
burdocks in a bellwether's fleece. Remember, my friends, that, 
with all your boasted independence, you are poor, weak, miser- 
able, dependent beings. That same Almighty hand which provides 
you with soup and shirts, beef and breeches, can take them all 
from you in a little less than a short space of time, and leave you 
as naked as an apple tree in winter. Yes, my friends, you must 
recollect that you are dependent as well as independent; and that 
all the favors you receive are donations from Heaven, brought 
down by angels of mercy, and distributed impartially among the 
grabbing, snatching and thieving sons of sin. So mote it be! 

N. B. — We, that is the mayor, common council and myself, 
have thought it well not to have any booths round the Park next 
Thursday — not that they have been the cause of disturbance and 
riot, but there is no knowing that they might be; and therefore 
we consider it advisable to resort to precautionary measures. You 
can get your inner man refreshed and replenished at those public 
houses where your money is wanted more than at the booths. 



A FLEETING WORLD. 



Text. — I've been thinking, I've bfen thinking 
What a fleeting world this is. 

My Hearers : In this fleeting world, whatever comes must shortjy 
go — disappear like barn-swallows at the latter end oi suL'jne.' 
As Brother Bowshin once truly remarked, What's here to-morrcw 
is gone yesterday. Time halloi s ' shoo !' to the whole living flock, 
and away they scamper out of the flowery vale of youth vj* the 



166 SHORT LATENT SERMONS 

green hill-sides of matuiitj^, to the semi-barien highlands of a^e , 
an.] push on, like so many bnfialoes, for the fearful precipice! 
Poor Mortality ! — doomed to drudgery, disappointment and death 
— sits down as soon as she can see to thread a needle, and makes 
herself a shroud. She sews assiduously, but the shades of eveL- 
ing begin to gather ere the last stitch is taken. Anu ycu. bi-eti-t- 
ren, whereabouts do you stand, between the beginning and 'h-» 
end? You may think it a great way from one extrem.ity of eyv» 
tence to the other ; but O, ye victims of a wretched optical illusio i ! 
let me tell you, that if you were now to strip, preparatory to an eld'- 
nal sleep, you could stand exactly where you are, and with one hand 
toss your boots into your cradle, while with the other you hung 
your hat upon your grave stone. Verily, life is so short that any 
middle-aged tobacco-chewer might easily lay his quid upon the 
tomb, and turn round and spit upon the step-stone to the dooi of 
being. 

My friends : Hope and Memory are both lying jades. One 
tells you that your life has an amazingly long tail, tapering lo a 
point like a spindle ; and the other would fain make you believ3 
that you are yet scarcely a toad's-hop from, the suburbs of child- 
hood. Believe them not, for they are gay deceivers. Hope ereccs 
a ladder, like that in the patriarch's dream, with its fool upon 
earth and the top resting against the cornice of heaven. Accom- 
panied by angels, you begin to ascend it ; but, ere the middle 
round be reached, the bottom slips, and down you come ker-flam- 
mux. The angels take care of themselves. And thus you are 
deceived in relation to the length, breadth and prospects of your 
earthly existence. Poor insects of an hour! elated with hope, 
putTed with pride, and spurred by ambition, you scramble about 
upon the graves of your ancestors for a brief while — then keel 
upon your backs, give a convulsive kick or two, and mingle with 
ancient mould; and then another set of huiuan beings coiiiea 
along, to crawl and scratch among your ashes, with the same care- 
less unconcern that you delved amid the dust of those who lived, 
and moved, and had a being before you. And you, young bloom- 
ing daughters of mortality! — evanescent, epheir.eral iiuiteriiies of 
fortune, fashion and folly ! — let your beautiful souls flit and flutter, 
to-day, upon their spangled pinions, among the /lowers ol fancy, 
love and "un, while the nr.orning dews of deliglu still glitter upon 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 167 

iieir petals ; for to-morrow your sport is over. Auiurnnal winds 
are blowing — hoar-frosts are fallinj^ — your clmr.Tis T.re failing — 
an.I )-ou niu?t go llie way of all butteriies, and other flePtinir em- 
blems of beauty and vanity. Go it, all ye 'g'hais a.m all ye 
' b'hoys,' as much as you can while you are young • lor, in the 
narrow circumference of youth, there isn't room to go i>, *o an;' 
fearful extent, and you don't stay there long encugh to a'j irr.r.ii 
damage to yourselves nor to posterity. Soon you are ojt— and 
then you jog steadily along the plain road of life, as coo^riy as an 
old ox, who seems somewhat seriously to moralize as he goes, in 
memory of the anciics and capers that he cut in the gree:i pas- 
tures of his calf hood. Go it, young folks, for Time's L,Oin^ it! 
— and so am I — with a hitch and a hobble. 

]VIy hearers : this is a fleeting world, and no mistake. The 
bright visions of youth — how soon they are flown ! The beauti- 
liful bubbles of hope — how suddenly they burst ! The hot fur- 
nace of love — how soon it grows cold ! The blossoms of friend- 
ship — how fast they fade ! How swiftly the seasons fly! Hot- 
whiskey-punch time, shad time, pea time, cucumber time, green- 
corn time, and apple time, glimmer in blended confusion as we be- 
hold them at a glance, like so many spokes in the swift-revolving 
wheel of the year. Even now, while I am talking, minutes go 
past me like little killi-llsh through a mill-flume ; and these little 
minutes, my friends, are the sands in the glass of Time. Soon 
they will cease to run — the lights will be blown out in the hills 
of the firmament — the embers of life will expire upon the hearth- 
stone of the heart — and you will all sleep the sleep that knows no 
terrestrial waking. No waking! — no, not even if a heavy debtor 
were to put a speaking-trumpet to your ear, and bellow loud 
enough to stun the cherubim, that he had come with the rhino, 
and was ready for a settlement. What is the lot of mortality 1 — 
to bud to bloom, to bloom to fade, to fade to fall, and to fall to 
flourish again in some supermundane sphere. That's all — and it 
is accomplishing its destiny with a most wonderful rapidity. Look 
about the visible world and see how transitory — how fleeting — are 
ail sublunary things. The flies, the bees, the bugs, the birds, the 
babies, the spiders' webs, the toadstools, the fogs, the vapors, the 
emoke, the flowers, the grass, and all such vegetables, are "^ble- 
matical of the shortness and uncertainty of human life. They 



168 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

lell you that you are trottin": as straij>:ht to eternity as a thirsty 
doo; to a rivulet, and with the iieetness of a moose across a mea 
dow. I \voii'(i offer an op'nion concerninij yf)nr future situation, 
^>ut my thoughts become broken-winsreci in beat ng like hnU. about 
jiu tomb-stones and dusky charnel-houses — therefore. I shall ke.p 
their caged in my bosom. But I hope an 1 trust that the railroad 
velocity with which you speed through time will give you sufli- 
rlent time to carry you far enough into eternity to prevent }0ur 
«»ver returning to such a wicked, ilccitful, clothes-tearing and soui- 
woriying woild as this. So mole it be.' 



ON SCANDAL. 

Text. — There h a lust in man no charm ran tame 
Of loudly publishing his neighbors shame: 
On eagles' wings immortal scanda's fly, 
While virtuous actions are but b(»rn to die. 

Mv JIkarers: I shall preach to you a plain, comT-on-sense kind 
of discourse. Unlike the cabinet maker, who .so sm.toihes, pol- 
ishes, stains and varnishes his articles, that it is dilhcult to tell 
what kind of wood they ar^ composed of, I shall be so }>iain in 
prosody, and simple in syntax, that you can hardly help under- 
standing what I intend to say. 

To commence : that there is a wild and untameable hist forever 
lurking in the breast of man to publish his neighbor's shame, is 
as correct as a calculation for an eclipse. Why it is that we, like 
flics which take pains to light upon one's sores, should delight in 
seeking out the errors and petit sins of a brother-in-blood, is more 
than I can rationally explain ; but true it is, we all have an itch- 
ing thusward, and no moral physic nor external ajiplication can 
allay it. Let an individual, in the humble walks of life, who 
makes no pretensions to superior piety, but sustains a fair reputa- 
tion, do an uncommonly praise-worthy deed, and the report of it 
dies like an echo upon a sand hill. Then let him accidentally 
tread upon a little violet of modesty, or thoughlessly ]>luck a sin- 
gle bright blossom from the garland of virtue, and it is trumped 
abroad, to his everlasting disgrace. His indiscreet.ness may at 
first be only known to one — and he a ' friend ;' but this ' friend' 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 169 

has, in common with us all, a devil within him, the same as the 
most mellow and fairest-looking apple has a worm at il^ core. He 
alone knowing of the misstep of his intimate, feels in duly bourn) 
to keep It secret; but at the same time is afflicted with an irresist- 
ible inclination to tell of it to some one. He tells it 'confiden- 
tially' to his nearest friend — he tells it 'confidentially' to an ac- 
quaintance — he to a fourth, and finally it becomes as jiuhlic as the 
doings of Congiess. These confidential dams can no more stop 
the stream of scandal, when it has once broken loose from its 
fountain head, than a bear trap can catch the measles. 

My friends: it is impossible for you to know, at the moment, 
how your reputations are being unravelled by Mr. Meddlesome, 
Mrs. Chatterbox, and Miss Tittletattle. You are not aware at first 
how badly your backs are bitten by these blood-suckers — gorman- 
dizers upon the good names of others; but when time causes the 
wounds they intlict to fester, you begin to feel sore indeed, and are 
ready to exclaim, 'Oh ! the slanderer's tooth is equally as poison- 
ous to one's soul as the fang of a serpent to the fle>h !' The rea- 
son why you glory in publishing your neighbor's shame is as plain 
to me as the garb of a quakeress. It is through a spirit of envy 
and jealousy. You know that you are all addicted to error, sin 
andfo!ly; and consequently you are always on the lookout to 
discover disgraces in others that will outweigh your own. When 
you tind such, you use your utmost exertions to increase the enor- 
mity in order th-at contrast may aid your own wickedness to escape 
unnoticed. But it won't answer : it is very much like j)ot circula- 
ting the report that the character of the kettle is covered with 
crock. 

My hearers : you have no right to tear a man's character to 
pieces for the sake of patching up your own tatteied trowsers of 
mortality; and you have no business to know what he does })ri- 
vately, if he does not publicly set a pernicious example. Some 
of you go to the theatre to hiss, and perhaps drive a good actor 
from the stage, because he is given to ceitain little immoralities. 
This shouldn't be — you should look alone at the actor and forget 
the man. You visit the i)lace to be entertained— perhaj)r> amused 
—and, if the performer 'act well his })art,' you ougnt to give him 
just as much applause as though he we. e })U re as crystal and 
chaste as new-fallen snow. So, my fi'ends; it should be with re« 



170 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

gard to the parse n of your parish. If he gives you ^ood advice 
from the pulpit — encourages the christian in his pious career- 
warns sinners to repentance, and points out the dangers that Oise* 
tlie path of the transgressor — if he goes about doing good — com* 
forts the widow and the orphan in their sorrows — visits the sick, 
and endeavors to alleviate the sufferings and lighten the burdens 
of the heavy laden and weary — enters the house of adversity and 
calms the soul's troubled waters with a pennyworth of the oil of 
peace — gives hope and consolation to him who is about to set sail 
upon the ocean of eternity; accompanies him to the dock of 
death ; shakes hands, and sees him safely off, with ardent wishes 
for his eternal welfare. I say, my friends, if your parson does 
all these things, it is none of your business if he takes an occa- 
sional glass of brandy and water behind his own door. If Betty, 
the servant maid, should happen to discover it, and, with the aid 
of scandal mongers, circulate it through the parish — you make a 
fuss about it, and discharge him from the ministry. Now what is 
the consequence 1 Why, the poor man, not conscious of a single 
fault, but pierced to the heart with the arrows of public opinion, 
takes to the bottle to drown his grief — not remorse, for he has 
done nothing to be ashamed of — and feels his way in a fog to the 
tomb as fast as he can — and you are the murderers of this unfor- 
tunate man ! Truly, all his virtuous actions were born but to die 
for the want of that protection and nourishment which a foolish 
and niggardly community was never known to afford. 

My hearers : you are too apt to annihilate a good and virtuous 
reputation, merely because you fancy you can discover a small 
stain upon it, which, after all, generally amounts to no more than 
a fly-speck upon a clean table-cloth. This is wrong — decidedly 
wrong ; and I hope that, by reflecting upon the subject, you will 
become convinced of the fact, and for the future behave better, 
grctw wiser, and become happier. So mote it be ! 



NOBILITY OF BIRTH. 

Text. — Fairest piece of well-formed earth. 
Urge not thus your haughty birth. 
My" Hearers: If there be any one among you who thinks 'ha- 
ll* is made of better stuflf than another, let him come forward and 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS^ 171 

be examined. You, young man yonder, by your nigh beanng and 
haup'hiy air, seem to lay claims to superiority in some way. It is 
true you are good looking; you have bright eyes, a fair skin, an 
a" ''"•*f,3 crop of whiskers, and a fine figure, with garments to fit. 
^*on cic all that could be wished, as far as shape and symmetry 
arc concerned. In fact, you look as though your clothes were 
made first, after the most approved fashion, and yourself poured 
int.-j ^hein, in a state of liquefaction, after the manner of making 
cai.<ilc3. T'Jt who are you, and what are you, after all 1 A small 
rr.Pss oi the leavmgs of high ancestry ! which, were it analyzed 
by r?.y : ijnd Dr. Chilton, would be found no better than the ma- 
IujI:^! -./orked into the son of a chimney-sweep — and no doubt bat 
ihe blood of the latter is far more pure and uncorrupted. Your 
n.hility of blood is nothing more than the renown of your great 
grant' fathers, known by their virtues, which has descended, in a 
long trail of light, through ages, growing fainter and fainter, till 
here it has ended upon you — all in smoke. Go, young man ! but 
remember, if you rob a hen-roost or pick a pocket, the sword of 
Justice will have no more respect for your noble blood than for 
so much beet juice. In such a dilemma, a full purse is your only 
salvation ; for, as my particular friend Dryden says. Laws bear the 
name, but money has all the power: the cause is always ba4 
whenever the client is short of chink. Bear these things in mind, 
and go your way, young nobleman. 

My friends : birth is nothing ; some mighty monarchs have been 
meanly born, and those that have been kings by birth, have, by 
mean and wicketl acts, been brought into the lowest ranks. The 
King of Heaven was born of an humble maid, among shingles and 
shavings, and laid in a manger, for the want of other and better 
conveniences ; yet where is there the nobility to compare with 
his 1 — the nobility of goodness. In him all the virtues that could 
be crowded into flesh shone resplendent. These made him good : 
and that which made him good made him noble. Nobility is de- 
pendent upon praiseworthy acts, and not upon inheritance. If it 
were not so, my friends, we should be all noble, or rather ignoble, 
alike ; since we are all descended from Adam and Eve — and I am 
sure there was nothing very noble about this ancient couple — who 
hadn't ^ house to live in — went naked, stole apples, and absquatu- 
lated 



172 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

My hearers: nobility of blood is all nonsense; one kind of 
olood will taint as quick as another ; and the precious red fluif^ 
thaf circul t'^s in the veins of Queen Victoria , (Kent, I believe 
her other name is) won't make any belter meat than that which 
meanders through the Dutch girls of B rgen. In fact, I hare seen 
as good female flesh as ever mortal need desire to kiss, accumu- 
lated from wild Irish blood. Your true nobleman is he whose 
mind is filled with in-bred worth, no matter whether he was ush- 
ered into tlie '.vorld amid pomp and pageantry, or dug O'Ut of a 
dung-heap, in the silence of midnight. Of Nature's noblemen, 
our red race of the forest are perfect patterns. They never forget 
r. kindness, nor rest satisfied till they have avenged a wrong. 
Generous, from the impulses of their nature, and alive to the 
highest sense of honor, they only ask what is fair and reasonable, 
and submit but when vanquished to any unjust requirement. 
When left to themselves, and unswayed by foreign influence, they 
are the noblest specimens of what God intended man should be, 
that ever found an abode upon earth ; but when goaded, chafed 
and corrupted by us \vhite skins, they are the veriest hell-hounds 
the devil ever let loose upon strangers. May Heaven forgive us 
our trespasses! — it is too much to ask of the poor Indian! But 
nobiliiy is confined to no race, dependent upon no station, confer- 
rsu by no birthright. You will find it as pure among the com- 
L'Ou peasantry of the land as in the places of lords and princes; 
an' though not glittering with regal splendor, it is an ornament to 
cvr yeomanry, and would do honor to anything wearing the hu- 
man face divine, from a monarch to a monkey. 

My friends : if your progenitors were noble, you must adopt 
their virtues and imitate their actions, or they might as well have 
been sheep-stealers, as far as benefitting you is concerned. Your 
own actg must immortalize your names ; for who cares whether 
you were born up in the garret or down in the cellar, or whether 
your great grandfather descended the stream of time on a lumber 
raft, or was shaken out of a sycamore in a hurricane 1 If you 
don't behave yourselves well, you can have no claims to noble 
ness nor nobility ; but, on the contrary, if you act fairly, frankly, 
openly and undisguisedly--say always what you mean and fulfil 
what you promise — and deceive no one — you may hold up your 
aeads and be proud of the legitimate title — Nobleman. Taen 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 178 

jon w!ll be easj^— then yon will be happy; and while yonr mun 
dane joys are flourishing here below, a mw crop will be starling; 
up for you in heaven : and often, in your dn-ams. you wiii asceiio 
:he jatriarch's ladder, to see how things are getting on uj» there 
So mote it be ! 



LITTLE MEN WITH LITTLE SOULS 

Ti:xT. — There was a little man, 

And he had a little soul, 
And eke a little mind, 
And o'er it no control. 
My Headers : In regard to physical and mental magnitude, we 
rind that, all the world over, the extremes are monstrous. Wher- 
ever we go, it is big and little, great and small, like a cart-load of 
stones, or a barrel of potatoes. I find, in my travels, a good many 
big little folks, and about an equal 'uimber of little big folks; 
and, pepper my snutf-box, if I can tell which are the greatest! 
The big little ones have small carcases, to be sure ; but they pos- 
sess souls of some considerable magnitude. On the other hand, 
your little big people can boast of a great extent of carnal terri- 
tory, and hearts that occuj)y about as much room in proj)ortion as 
an acorn in a hogshead. 1 have seen small human dimensions, 
however, so swollen with self-importance, that 1 have trembled, 
least they should suddenly experience the fate of the frog in the 
fable 

My friends : as my text informs us, there was a little man, anu 
he had a little soul, consequently he had a little mind ; and, as 
might naturally be supposed, he had no control over it. It was a 
slender 'reed shaken with the wind,' and no more susceptible of 
a prop than a spider thread. Peradventure, you have all seen 
specimens of such transcendental, humanized littleness. Mere 
Cockroaches, as they are, in a community of decent-sized bodies 
and souls, they kick, scratch, crawl, and scrabble about, as though 
the \Ahole world was their kitchen, and everybody a cook. They 
aie as fidgetty as an old m.aid at a wedding. As for their mean- 
ness, if is hardly worth mentioning — still too important to be pas- 
sed over in silence. They are meaner than turkey poudrette — 
and, you ai^ well aware, that is so mean that grass won't grow 
within ten miles of it ^ have seen one of these small-bodied-and* 



f74 SHORT PATENT SERBIONS. 

littled-souled chaps, myself, chase a musquito till sundown foi 
.ts suet ; and I have no doubt but he would have followed it up 
to midnight were it not for the expense of a candle. Not one of 
*hem would hesitate to steal a sick nigger's physic — to take a 
cracker from the claw of a poll-j)airot — to put in a tin sixpence, 
and take a penny from a contribution box — or to chew over a 
second-hand tobacco quid. In charity, however, towards these 
diminutive mortals, I am inclined to believe that they are not al- 
together to blame : they only exercise the best of their powers. 
Ihey have hearts in proportion to the size of their carcases. Na- 
ture seldom makes a misfit, by planting the seeds of moral and in- 
tellectual greatness in pots of clay too small to admit of a fine 
growth and full fruition. 

My hearers : while many little men, corporeally speaking, have 
souls to match, other big masses of human flesh contain less, by a 
monstrous sight ; but generally, they are not of the stout and stal- 
wart, but of the soapy fat, bloat and blubber species, in whom is 
concentrated all the gross selfishness that could possibly be crowd- 
ed into the circumference of individual mortality. They are bound 
to enjoy their mugs of ale, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding ; 
find, when asked for a penny for the starving children of charity, 
they inform them that they too are poor, and can't get half enongh 
to eat, themselves. They usually contain about half a bowl of 
the milk of human kin(Ip*»ss ; but they are pretty careful to keep 
the cream skimmed off for their own use. I did know one, how- 
ever, who, to his credit be it said, once had the generosity to bor 
row a cent to drop into the hat of a blind fiddler. Whether i* 
v.'as ever returned or not, is none of my business. Such are your 
little big men. 

My friends : Jupiter kows there is plenty of littleness to be 
found amoi g all sizes, shapes, colors and sexes but I know of 
nothing: meaner, or more little, than for one sect of christians to 
monopolize heaven, to the exclusion of all others ; or for one po- 
litical party to take all the credit to itself for saving the country. 
But, brethren, the time will soon come, I have no doubt, when 
people will be made largsr (there is stuff enough for it) — have 
larger minds — wear bigger boots and Ireeches — and have more 
enlarged views of things generally, end small matters in particU' 
^i. iS" mott 't be! 



SHORT PATENT SERM0K8. 17S 

DESTINY. 

Text. — There is a destiny that shapes ou" end?, 
Rough hew them as we wili. 

My Hearers : Although this shaping of 'our ends' has reference 
to the' ends of both men and women, I wish you to . understand 
ihat it has nothing whatever to do with those obsolete, antecetient 
excrescences vulgarly called ' bustles.' No — it alludes solely c 
those ends which all of us terrestrial beings have in view, love c 
dwell upon, and hope to have brought to a happy j>erfection. at 
iast. Now, my friends, I don't say it is so, but did it never skem 
to you that you were dragged by Destiny into certain mud-boles- 
of misfortune 1 — that all your plans, aiiifs and ends — let them be 
rough-hewn with the broad-axe of hope as they may — are directed, 
shaped and perfected, after all, by that same old meddler — brazen- 
faced, iron-fisted Fate. No doubt it has often !»c'emed thus to '"ou; 
and there is no doubt, either, that if some of you fail, or niaK^- a 
flummux of getting to heaven, after trying as hard for it as a toad 
to get up a sand bank — you will lay it all to your cuss'd ever 

LASTING LUCK ! 

My friends : whether it is destiny that we are bitten by a bed 
lug, stung by a gnat, poisoned by slander, or shipwrecked at sea, 
is more than I am, at present, prepared to decide ; but some folks 
are, apparently, more lucky than others. Now, when a man 
once gets upon the ebb tide of fortune, it certainly ajjpears as 
though hell, heaven, and all the elements — natural, social, peace 
ful and warring — had conspired against him. The more he exerts 
himself, the farther off is he, as it would seem, from the shore. He 
climbs the ladder of ambition ; and, just as he is within one round 
of reaching the top, the bottom slips, and down he goes! Poor 
fellow ! nobody deigns to help him, because he really needs assist- 
ance. Were it anybody else, he would have met with better luck. 
He can't go in a crowd but he gets his corns gratuitously ground, 
— if he goes a-fishing with a couple of comrades, he averages 
about fifty no-bites to their hundred haul-'em-ins ; and, should he 
venture to throw dice for his soul's salvation, he would cast but 
two aces and a deuce at the best. The stars that, in their courses, 
fought against Cisero, are bound to fight against him to the last 
So it goes — such is the luck of life; and yet this, as my friend 
M-. Brass says, 'this is the world which turns round on its owD 



176 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

avf s--nas lunar monthly influences and influxes — revolves r(Aind 
tiie heavenly bodies, and comes warious games of that 'ere kind 
o' sort !' 

My hearers : trot along, from j'our cradles to your graves, as 
gently as you may, you are liable to meet with accidents. If yoa 
come in contact with an inoffensive mile-stone, a luckless lamp- 
post, or a dormant dirt-cart, I leave it for you to decide whether it 
be destin}^ or the result of your own carelessness. To make it 
satisfactory, as far as pos-^ible, I will consider it about half-and- 
half. As my bootmaker observes, sickness and sore toes are the 
natural concomitants of humanity; and Destiny must bear th- 
blame, I suppose, for every ill imposed upon ourselves by reck- 
lessness, folly and crime. Vet there are what may be cal1f;(i yo:r 
unlucky sort. They never can get into a streak of good forl-anej 
however great their exertions. The world turns the wrcig way 
with them — the wind is always in a contrary quar^'^r — the weathei 
answers for everybody but them — the whole mach' ■cv of nature 
is out of kelter, and all concocted creation is .o ;V«enr. as ro m-'- 1 
mush and miik to a marble statue. Then, &gain, v^^ ^-jr- tiv 
lucky kind. They draw prizes in a lottery, 'an^ 'o. ha.'f ;rv' — 
if they go out without an umbrella, they happen to gei nom- ust 
PS the first drop of a shower touches the-: hee'.s upon tne i *sh- 
old — lightning runs down the chimney, me'/s t'.ie buttons o^ th«^ir 
coats, and kills a cat in the corner ; but the^' are safe Hc.p« 
promises them a pie, and she brings them a ba^ h. Let come uha* 
will come, and they are none the worse ofT— in all probability 
better. I once knew one of these luckies t: be blown up into si 
pear-tree by the permature blast of a rock. What do you think ! 
— the chap never came down till he had fiHel his fruit baskK j 
and then he said he was thankful for the boost : 

Now, my dear friends — I won't pretend to say that ' luck is 
everything,' although there is a good dee! i*. ii But allow m-.- 
tc tell you one thing. It is this: if you 1 ve sober, virtuous, 
moral iives — are ambitious, active, perseve'i g — act uprightly — 
are economical, but not parsimonious — you w'.l ]>e lucky throug'i 
this life, and I think (but I won't be certain) i. t..^ lie to come : ba% 
if you are determined to be lazy, dishonest, imni .ra; and prcd.g?'., 
^•ou will have ' the devil's own luck ' so long ae- you are perii.it' 
ifid to pollute God's green pavilion. So mote it be ! 



SHORT PATENT SERMOKS. 177 

SELF-LOVE. 

Tfxt. — Whate'er the pnss.'on. knowledg'^, fame, or j elf, 
No one will ciiaiige h s neighbor wiih himself. 

Mv Hearers: Self-love is ihe true salt of contentment; it keeDS 
a man always sati.'-fieJ with himself, if he isn't with his circum- 
stances. And self-love is instinctive: it peivaJes every bosom, 
and imprignates every heart. Every man wanta^ to be himself, 
aaJ ♦ nc! ody e S:!.' He g'oriously exuts in the exclamation of my 
friend An rew Jack^on Allen, Esq., 'I am myself — alone!' and, 
If he thought there was a possibility of his waking up some odd 
morning, and finding himself another individual, he wouldn't trust 
h s person to the care of old father Somnus for a single night ; but 
sleep by i ches, to avoid ihe detested tran^mogrificaiion. We do 
not piefer ouselves, peisonally and individually, lut give pieference 
lo the gei.der to which we happen to belong. J never saw a wo- 
man in my life, hut if I asked ihe question, woull say that she 
would lather be a woman than a man; and 1 know that all who 
wiai b i rds an I bree.h s, are content ; hat heaven has made them 
as they are, in regard to sex. So nature has wisely oidained that 
there shall be lo grumbling on this pcdnt. In fact every one is 
so eniiip urel widi his individual identity, that it would require 
an immense sight of loot to induce h-m to swap soul and body 
w th his neighbor — unless he knew he were to be hung on the 
morrow ; then, probably, he would be glad to exchange being 
sviili a lisnppointed politician or a ring-tailed monkey. 

My friends : ibe learned is happy in exploring the fields of na- 
ture an 1 knowledge — in pondering over the pictures upon the 
[la^es of history — in gathering wild flowers, that still bloom amid 
li'.e rums of the Past — in analyzing every blossom that blows in 
the garden of the Present — and in sprinkling with the pot of hope 
the young plants that llourish in the paradise of the Future. The 
fool is haup^ because he doesn't know enough to be miserable. 
\VhlI<; ot\e s are care-eaten, melancholy, and living in constant 
fear of da ger, death and the devil, he finds pleasure in tickling 
tea Is with a straw, that hop in the dusk of evening, at the very 
door of the tomb. While thousands are engaged in the bloody 
occupation of war — shooting ofT heads, legs and arms, and open- 
•ng a passage-way with the bayonet to the citadels of each other's 

^-^'ils-'he captures flies, and lets them go again upon the parol* 
12 



LiH SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

of honor, minus perchance a wing, or with the loss of a super* 
iuous leg. What cares he about the ' honor of the nation,' or 
ior the name and fame of the old ' hosses ' that are to drag the 
g-overmental car to glory ? — Not a hooter. Let kingdoms come 
down with a crash — let empires fall, and shake the whole world 
vvith their thunders — and let republics tumble into the dust, bury 
ing deep in anarchial rubbish the ruins of the Temple of Liberty 
— he cares no more for the matter than an oyster-cellar for an 
earthquake. It is all the same to him, so long as old Time isn't 
mortally wounded — the earth safe and sound — the sun shines— 
the grass grows, and, he lives cheerily. Thus, you see, my friends, 
that the fool is happy ; and you, too, are happy that you are not 
the fool. 

My hearers: the rich man is happy but not so happy as he 
might be, if he didn't take so much trouble to make himself un- 
comfortable. The happiness that he drinks from the cup oi 
wealth, is a mixture of vinegar and molasses; and the vinegar is 
80 predominant, that it could not be other than an unpalateable 
mess to him who has long been accustomed to the sweets sucked 
from the ' uses of adversity.' But, whether the man with the 
' mopuses ' be happy or not, one thing is certain : hn would'nt 
change himself with one in lower circumstances for a moig.age on 
an acre of heaven, and a supply of sublunary bliss sufficient to fit 
up a dozen guardian angels to attend him through his tenestriai 
pilgrimage. Not he. The poor man confides him to the protection 
of an all-wise Providence, and feels as safe as a wejag in his win- 
ter's burrow. iHe hasn't much to lose, and a world to hope for. 
?le£t with health — perchance a handtome wife, and an interesting 
"lot of liltle dependencies — he goes to his daily task with a merry 
heart; the toil being lightened by laboring for those whom he 
loves. None of the cursed cares of state find their way into his 
humble home — no thouf^aiii's of dollars are momenta-' v in danger 
of heing lost in the uncertain sea of speculation — no srectres ol 
writs, duns, and protests disturb his midnight slumbers ; and, be- 
ing at the bottom of the wheel of fortune, it makes no odJs to 
him which way it turns, so long as it is bound to bring him up. 
He has but little, but that little is as full of sweets as a ho- 
ney-comb. He lives in the sunlight of contentment — happy in 
•libli] ing at the peaked end of nothing; and happier still in t'ae 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 1^ 

hope of overtaking that ' two dollars a day and roast beei,' ao long 
proiTiised by political preachers. 

My dear friends : where mankind are free from bodily pain, J 
rion't see as there is much difference in the average amount of 
their happiness. The old she-dragon Sin has deposited just about 
so much spawn in every human heart ; and it will hatch out just 
about so much misery to every individual. A blind beggar danres 
while a millionaire is mourning over the corpse of a defunct jol- 
lar bill : a cripple sings while ?, king is crying: the drunken sot 
is a hero, pro tem., and covers himself with glory, drawn from a 
e;in bottle, while the military commander is painfully and tediously 
extracting it from the blood of his fellow creatures; the lunatic 
is 'monarch of all he surveys,' without the trouble of looking af- 
ter it ; while care, anxiety and fear shake the soul of an emperor, 
as a dog would a woodchuck. Your humble servant, and poor 
preacher, is perfectly well satisfied with himself. He wouldn't 
swap his carnal and mental arrangements for those of the greatest 
or the smallest man now living; nor for all the Moseses and Sol- 
omons that ever trod 'tother side of Anno Domini — and I have no 
doubt, my friends, that you set equally as high a value upon your 
individual .selves; at least, I hope so. If we are all satisfied with 
ourselves. Heaven will be satisfied with us all. So mote it be 1 



THE PRECIOUSNESS OF PRAISil 



Text. — How very precious praise 

Is to young Genius, like sunlight on flowers, 
Ripening them into fruit 

Mr Hearers : Genius, when somewhat matured, and not properly 
encouraged, is very apt to be still and allow itself to be trodden 
upon, like a lame duck m the dark, rather than attempt to get out 
of the way ; but not unfrequently it assays to rise when it can't 
— flaps its wings, gives a kick, and jumps about as high as a ham- 
strung grasshoj)per; then comes down ker-whop, bruises itself 
not a little — tries again with no better success ; and gives it up 
ouly when its wings are cropped by the shears of Death. There 
is a great difference, my friends, between real geniuses and would- 
be geniuses. The real genius exhibits his inclination and capa- 



180 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

.'•ili'ies while he is young — sometimes ere he is out of his petti- 
'.o-at? . bi I the \vt)ul(l-be genius makes his abortive attempts at any 
ind evt-ry season of life He has no important original ideas of 
his ov/n, but makes use of others, which he spoils by meddling 
v/th. lie has an everlasting itching for imitation ; and there is 
ao doubt but he oftentimes imagines that he is the real inventor of 
man) things which he has contrived to counterfeit. So strong an 
opinion has he of him.self and his powers, that if you were to 
put a pair of feather breeches upon him and set him to hatching 
eggs, he would be almost willing to swear that he was the legiti- 
mate father of every chicken that crept from under. Pure genius 
is furnished with pinions, swift and strong, with wiiich it soars 
aloft with the eagle, commanding the admiration of the world, and 
gathering its food from summits wholly inaccessible to the com 
mon herd. False genius endeavors to fly with artificial wings. 
It will not stoop to pick up the many seeds of sustenance that lie 
scattered along the ordinary paths of life ; but is forever looking; 
up to fruit that hangs high, and starves to death in its unsuccess- 
ful efforts to reach it. 

My friends: young Genius, if properly encouraged, will pro- 
bably work wonders in time. To encourage genius in juveniles 
IS praising it; for praise is as necessary to it, as my text says, as 
sunlight to a flower, that ripens it into fruit. Parent, if your son 
exhibits a genius for drawing, by scratching houses, horses and 
geese with a nail upon your mahogany table, don't box his ears, 
and send him to a tap house to learn the art and mystery of draw- 
ing beer and cider, but put a slate and pencil in his hand, and plas- 
ter on the praise thickly. Praise is even cheaper than putty — it 
costs nothing. Some children have a genius for one thing and 
some for another ; but, as for me, I had a genius for everything in 
general and nothing in particular — except it was for eating ginger- 
bread. I don"t know, however, but I did manifest some little ge- 
nius for preaching; for I recollect I used to get upon the top of a 
hill that overlooked a corn-field, and preach damnation to the 
crows. I was wont to preach to the black sinners something af- 
tui this manner, and loud enough for half of creation to hear : 
'*.'. you rascally crows! you are a wicked and perverse genera 
Urn, ^hat seeketh after corn ; but no corn shall be given here, save 
fL ^'iicci of pepper corns from brother Jim's gun. Therefore, take 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 181 

warning, ye vile transgessors, and flee from the wrath to come !' 
And they made themselves distant almost immediately. Would 
that my sermons could have such a powerful and salutary effect 
at present. But no — the more I tell my hearers that they are 
trespassing on forbidden grounds, and i\ c more that I admonish 
them of the danger that awaits them, the more determinedly they 
seem to push forward in their headlong, unholy and careless ca- 
reers If I advise young people not to get married, their minds 
are made up for matrimony at once ; and if I tell them to marry, 
they had ' rather think about it awhile.' Tell them to go right, 
and they are sure to go wrong ; and if I bid them follow their 
noses, they are sure to put their faces behind them, and follow 
their heels. I don't know but I shall have to manage them as 
farmers do hogs — try to drive them down hill if they want them 
to go up. No, I shall do no such thing. I shall continue, as 
heretofore, to preach up honesty, humility, sobriety, industry, fru- 
gality, love, virtue and wisdom. This is the kind of fodder with 
which I shall feed my sheep ; and, if they don't like it, they can 
leave it, and browse among thorns and thistles. 

My hearers : Genius generally requires fostering and encoura- 
ging when it is young, to enable it to assume a bold and lofty 
flight in after years; although there are many instances where it 
has gained strength of position in its determination to rise in the 
most discouraging storms. The severe tempests of ridicule killed 
a young Keats, in whose sensitive soul and tender system dwelt 
the beautiful genius of poetry. But they brought out the genius 
of a Byron, from its low brush and underwood, to soar above all 
storms and tempests, in an eternal sunshine of glory. And it was 
the oppressor's foot that scared up the bird of American Genius 
from its lowly haunts, to find shelter in the towering Tree of Lib- 
erty. Generally speaking, praise to young genius is just as ne- 
ces«.ary as manure to a garden ; but to the older sort it isn't of so 
much consequence. The latter may sometimes stand in need of 
necessary encouragement, but never of flattery. Most of you 
seem to have a genius for makmg money, and taking every pos- 
siole advantage of your fellow mortals around you; but this kind 
of genius isn't calculated to carry you safely to heaven. No, if 
you depend upon any such strength as this to support you ii. your 
hopes of eternal happiness, you will be sadly disappointed. While 



382 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

upon the win^ of ardent anticipatiorij you will, sooner or larsi 
fall as sudden]}' to the ground as a wounded woodcock, and bt. 
come an easy prey to that great hunter of men — the devil. 

I\Iy friends : if j'ou haven't natural genius enough to avoid fall- 
ing into the hands of the great arch enemy of mankind, listen to 
me hereafter, and i v»ill point out the various ways and means of 
escape. If l don't show you a plain, straight, smooth, safe and 
weil-paved path to heaven, you may use my best beaver for a spit 
box, and convert my pulpit into a p'g-pen. So mote it be! 



A GENERAL DISCOURSE. 

Text. — But, how the subject theme may gang 
Let time and chance determine; 
Perhaps it may turn out a sang, 
Perhaps turn out a sermon. 

Yjs: Men of Gotham ! What a pretty looking nest of varmints ye 
are, taken in a heap, altogether! You toil not, neither do your 
daughters spin ! You get your feed from the surrounding farmers, 
and make yourselves busy only in snatching meat from each oth- 
ers" mouths. Instead of getting your bread by the sweat of the 
brow, you buy it of the baker, and he buys the stuff to make it 
with of somebody else — though I acknowledge breaJ can't always 
be got by the sweat of the brow; foi I have known a lazy loafei 
to sit down in the sun and sweat for half an hour, and find no 
bread coming after all. You don't produce anything more than 
BO many toads, but merely fix contrivances, like spiders, whereby 
to make a living. Yes, you play the parts of spiders and fiies to 
each other. In the streets, ard on the corners where insects are 
the mo?t numerous, I see old grey spiders have woven their webs 
to catch innocents, whom they politely term 'patrons;' and it is 
enough to make a codfish smiie to see with what urbanity they 
invite every gad-fiy, gnat and blue-bottle to 'walk into then par- 
lors.' O, you Gothamites ! you secondary formation of humanity ! 
■ — everything is bought and sold with you — even the water you 
Jrink. There is a high duty upon the fashionable waters of Di- 
vine Grace ; and you have to pay, at least, a penny apiece for a 
nibble at the Bread of Life. To go to church in any kind of tol- 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 183 

jTnble style costs a heap a-year ; and I know very well that the 
reason why a majority of you go to Beelzebub is, because you 
can't atford to go to heaven at the present exhorbilant prices. 
Principles are put up at auction — opinions find a mock sale — virtue 
is sacriliced at the shrine of Mammon — the pawnbroker purchases 
the emblems of the last remnants of respectability at one quarter 
their value — and the lawyer, politician, doctor and divine are de- 
vouring your substances, while, like the famed cats of Kilkenny, 
you eat each other up, hide, hair, whiskers and all. 

Ye Women of Gotham : you are physically no better than remi- 
nine country flesh, made of bull-beef and boiled cabbage ; but you 
think you are. You make a greater display of satins, silks and 
laces, but as for real, ideal and intrinsic beauty, you can't come to 
tea with most of the she sex who sleep between a pig pen and an 
apple orchard. You have nothing to do, and two or three servants 
to assist you. You sit in your parlors all day, fading like flowers 
In autumn, and sacrificing health, true enjoyment, beautv and every 
blessed gift, for fashion's sake. All the information you daily de- 
sire is to know how goes on the fashionable world, and whether 
the devil, the prime leader of the ton, has sought out any new in- 
vention, whereby to widen the wide breach and strengthen the 
strong barrier between the respectable upper ten thousand and the 
contemptible lower five million. When your husbands come home 
in the evening, your great concern is to inquire how much money 
they have ' picked up' during the day 1 — what success they hav^e 
had in swindling? — how many they have been enabled to cheat, 
and to what purpose 1 — and what are the morrow's prospects of a 
good grab among an hundred and fifty thousand grabbers ? And 
then, whether a cent has been made, or a hundred dollars lost, you 
must still go on adding to your extravagant follies and fineries — 
blowing up your bladders of vanity and pride — till suddenly they 
burst, and then all the 'respectability,' all the 'quality' vanishes 
into t'.in air forever; and you take your places so far in tJie rear 
of society as to be scarce worthy of a nod from a scraggle-headed 
son of a Nobody. You women of Gotham are the cause of more 
listress and ruina ion than all the locusts, famines ynd rotten bank- 
ing institutions that ever afflicted the land If you could only be 
content to go to Nicodemus solitary and alone, 1 wouldn't grumbl*! 
iX all — on the cont>-ary, I would sing out, like a Tu k from a mxu- 



1B4 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

aret, or a boy from under a hay-stack, La us Deo! — But no, yon 

mn«!t take us men by ihe hair, and drag us after you. Well, leJ 
God's and woman's will be done! 

Ye Dandies of Gotham : 1 have seen fnols and fops in more 
than forty different cities, but none to co.npare \vith you. 1 have 
seen them so s'ckeningly soft and silly as to entirely stop the 
growth of thriving little villages; but you are as much softer than 
ihey as the side of a pudding bag is softer than the belly of a din- 
ner pot. A fly's foot would make impres^^ion upon your j)ates as 
visible as a mouse-track in a meal chest. I am afraid to let you 
feel the full force of my sermonizing indignation, lest it leave you 
like the spilt contents of a bowl of much and milk — too shallow 
to be scraped up with a spoon, and nothing to be got at with a 
fork. Oh, you oily-haired, greasy whiskered, debilitated appari- 
tions of Nature's unhandiwork ! — you require to be handled with 
as much care as a talloAV candle in August. You melt before the 
smile of a maiden like a lump of butter before a glowing grate ol 
anth:acite ; and then we have superlative distress made still softer. 
With a few fashionable phrases in your noddles — a face most bai 
barously brutalized — a ridiculously genteel apparel, and a most 
audacious assurance — you tip and teeter about, thinking th.at you 
entrap the admiration of everybody and everything — that of the 
ladies in particular. But the worst of it is, you are mistaken — • 
the medium of it is, you don't know any better — and the best of 
it is, there is no danger of your making fools of yourselves wher- 
ever you go. I have done with you. 

Ye Belles of Gotham : I shall not be so severe with you as the 
in*jr")rtance of the subject demands: but you are an expensive ar- 
ticle, and you know it. What your real value is, never has, and 
perhaps never will be, fully determined — it depends on circum- 
stances. You are as deceitful creatures as ever wore feathers. 
Vou aie not what you seem to be by a long odds ; and I am not 
Mire but nine out of ten of the Biddies who personally patronize 
the town pump, are worth more for domestic purposes, and to 
-ontribute to the happiness of a husband, than the best of you. 
However. I will let you pass. 

Ye Inhabitants of Gothim : you are a wicked and perverse ge- 
ner.ition, going about one among another, seeking whom ye may 
devour — newspaper critics stoning the prophets and killing ihero 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 185 

—and every one disresardiig the righteous motto of Mire ana let 
live.' Behold ! the time may come when your house will be left 
unto you desolate. It surely will come, unless you mend you: 
ways, and act more according to the principles of piety, charily 
and good will. So mote it be I 



DURATION OF TIME. 



Text. -Ages and ages yet away must pass, 

Ere Time aside shall cast his scythe and glass. 

My Hearers: Asa river is constantly emptying itself into the 
gea, and s.ill continues to run as it is wont, so the stream of Time 
is continually losing itself in the great ocean of Eternity, and yet 
flows on for ever: that is, it always has moved with the same re- 
gularity ever since the beginning of the Creation, and will continue 
on uninterrupted for ages yet to come — till the dissolution or the 
earth and the whole universe — which period is so far distant thai 
even the strong and swift wings of Imagination become weary in 
endeavoring to reach it. The Earth is but an infant yet in the 
cradle of Time ; and when we consider how long since it was a 
mere foetus in the womb of Chaos, we cannot but be brougnt to 
the conclusion that millions of years must still roll away ere it 
can be said to have arrived at the age of maturity. Man's me- 
mory can give him no information relative to the beginning oi the 
world, and neither can his foresight tell him of the end thereof. 
All surmises, predictions, and foolish speculations that arise trom 
the mystified and mysterious prophecies of old, are as nonsensical 
as they are useless; and they are as useless, in determining ihe 
destruction of the universe, as psalm books in a deaf ami dumb 
asylum. As for any mortal ever being able to unroll the niap of 
the future before the eyes of his fellow mortals, he might a< sot»n 
think of dragging eternity with a sha( net for the pearls of • -le- 
parted worth ' 

My friends : it causes my heart to swim in the very suils vi 
sympathy to see how many of my brother and sister beings art 
being carried away by what is termed the 'Miller Delusion,' — a 
peculiar and destructive doctrine — the principal tenet of which is. 
iliat the human race has become an evil excrescence, a jori up: 



k86 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

earno?ity upon the bosom of the earth ; and that the earth t»iJII. 
some time this year, shake itself, as a lion when he shaketn t):€ 
dew from his mane, spilling the ungodly into the lap of destruc- 
tion, and casting the righteous (what few there are) upward into 
Ihe heavens above — there to remain till a new earth is manufac- 
.'ured ; and then they are to come down unharmed and uninjured, 
fo abide with the Saviour, and the sons and daughters of lioliness, 
for ever and ever. I pity Brother Miller, from the botiom of my 
soul ; and have any quantity of commiseration in store for hif 
deluded followers. Poor man, he is mad ! but there is a mysteri 
fious method in his madness, that operates most powerfully on the 
credulity of many. I conversed wn'th him once, and discovered 
ihat almost every word he uttered was accompanied with a ner- 
vous tremor — an involuntary shaking of the head — which plainly 
indicated that his mental machinery was not altogether in what 'S 
called apple-pie order, and that no more faith should be placed 
upon his predictions, than upon those of the small jobbernowls 
who have prophecied before him. 

My hearers : the material world as yet is none the worse fo 
wear ; and I see no reason why you should be under any fearfu' 
apprehensions of its speedy dissolution. Young ladies, who are 
now busy in preparing for themselves ascension robes and panta- 
loons to wear under them, ought to turn their attention to subjects 
equally important and far more necessary, a knowledge of which 
cannot fail to prove useful in afier years. Those of the masculine 
gender who are troubled with anything like a weakness in the 
ujtper story, should turn a deaf ear to whatever may be said in 
eupport of this mischievous doctrine, and never allow their minds 
to dwell upon the subject for a single moment, lest a foolish fear 
cause what little philosophy and judgment they possess to quit 
the premises, and leave them exposed to the scorn, contempt and 
ridicule of the world. 

]My dear friends : this terrestrial orb of ours, which, as yet, ex 
hibits no symptoms of disease or decline, will continue to roll on 
its axes when we aJl shall be mouldering in our sepulchres, ana 
the monuments erected to our memories shall have fallen and be- 
come buried in the dust of oblivion. Earth is constantly under- 
going a miraculous change, but it is subject to no decay. The 
ose that faded yesterday we can never behold -again ; and still the 



SHOUT PATENT SEP3ICNS. IST 

«am2 family of flcwers that now bloom around the graves of our 
kindred, will blossom at the tombs of millions yet unborn. The 
feet of future generations will tread upon the dust of our bodies, 
and the great-grand-children of our children's children will pluck 
posies from the very bosoms of their ancestors. Nature produces 
as fast as she destroys; and so long as this conservative principle 
is observed and well carried out, you need be under no apprehen- 
eion, my friends, of the world's making a burst of it. The scyth". 
of Old Time is just as keen and no keener now than it was when 
he mowed down a cock sparrow in the Garden of Eden, by way 
of experiment ; and the sands in his glass have never been clog- 
ged for a single moment — nor won't be, till the earth grows hoary, 
the sun loses its lustre with age, and the bald-pated moon furnishes 
itself with a wig. 

My hearers : when you see wonders in the heavens that have 
never been witnessed before — when the bowels of the earth inces- 
santly rumble, like an empty stomach before dinner — wlien you 
discover a single screw loose in the grand machinery of Nature— 
when thunder comes before lightning — when young ducks exhibit 
an instinctive antipathy to water — when young men cease to run 
after the girls, and the girls won't marry — and when the Orange 
county butter can be made from the milk in the cocoa-nut — then, 
and not till then, believe that the end of all things is at hand 
So mote it be ! 



MORTALS NOT CONTENT WITH ENOUGH. 

Text. — Now IMrs. Eve was foolish, very, 
Not to be well content and merry 
With peach, plum, melon, grape and cherry, 
When apples were forbidden. 

My Hearers: Women are never satisfied with what they har« 
any more than men. They are no sooner gratified in one wish 
than another pops into their pretty hearts to teaze and torment. 
The more they get the more they must have. A new gown bege-.i 
a desire for a new bonnet ; and these together form the foundation 
for a host of expensive fixings and foolish flipperjigs. When 
Ibey once get f^arted, an attempt to stop them is like holding a cat 



18S SHORT PATENT SERiMONS. 

by the tail — we are soon glad to let go for the squalling TheiT 
morbid appetite is a cont^titutional disease, inherited from the 
'mother of all living,' who ate herself out of home, happiness 
and Eden, into a gloomy wilderness of wo, want, wretchedners 
and wild cats. What a pity it was that Mrs. Eve couldn't have 
been satisfied with the pure and legitimate pleasures of Paradise, 
without trespassing upon the little that was fordidden ! She had 
everything necessary to make her happy — including a husband, 
and no trousers to mend. All that a mortal in her situation could 
reasonably desire was hers to enjoy. Nature supplied all her ne- 
cessary wants, and furnished extras in superabundance. She had 
nothing to do but to gather flowers, twine wreaths, weave gar- 
lands, and form love-knots to please her good and noble spouse. 
She had no house to keep in order, for the blue-roofed sky was 
her only and sufficient shelter, whence neither rain, hail, sleet nor 
snow descended ; nor were the winds of heaven allowed to handle 
her delicate person roughly. Having no meals to prepare, Adam 
couldn't find fault with her cooking, nor scold about dinner not 
being ready in season. No beds to make in the morning — no 
dishes to wash — no room to sweep — and no stockings to darn — 
how could she, my friends, be otherwise than happy ^ For her a 
perpetual spring reigned in Eden, breathing its balmy odors 
throughout the whole domain : for her the rose blossomed thorn 
less — merry birds sang their melodious madrigals in every grove, 
and Nature seemed to take particular pains to have everything as 
it should be — ' done up brown,' as they say in the Bowery. Sor 
row was then unborn, Care hadn't come into the world, and Trou- 
ble never entered the gates of Paradise. Velvet-footed Time, 
treading upon mossy banks and beds of violets, trotted by with a 
noiseless step — the gol(len-winged minutes flitted past like butter- 
flies in June — and the laughing hours went dancing along as mer- 
rily as a lot of bright-eyed lasses ' just let loo.se from school.' 
Yet for all these. Discontent dwelt in the garden, growing daily fat 
ai;d saucy by silly indulgence. 

My friends : to please the palate of Mrs. Eve, there grew spon- 
lanecusly, in Eden, peaches, pears, plums, melons, grapes, figs, 
cheines, and all kinds of delicious berries. Of these she partook 
freely, and without fear of their doing damage to either her phy* 
lical stomach or moral maw. Ir their midst stood the tree of 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 189 

knowledge, and from its beiviing boughs nung the forbidden apples 
in enticing abundance. She looked upon them, and saw they were 
fair to behold, but never thought of tasting them till she accident 
ally saw written upon the trunk of the tree, CF'Sfll^O— (l**?.,^ 
— which, being interpreted, meaneth touch not, taste not! At 
that moment, my friends, she began to grow uneasy, and hanker 
after the apples. They looked more mellow and luscious than 
ever, and have a bite at them she must, let the consequences be 
what they might. So she got the Devil to give her a boost into 
the tree; and up she went, like a 'possum after persimmons. 
HLving eaten her fill, she selected a half a dozen of the biggest 
and best, and trudged off to Adam, with a request that he woiild 
also eat, and pass his opinion upon the pippins. Whereupon he 
pronounced them good — first rate — and immediately made way 
with the lot. Soon they botii began to grow ill — feel bad all over. 
They felt as if they had been doing what they ought not to have 
done. They saw that they were naked, and were, for the first 
time, ashamed of it. Whether it was the man or the woman that 
first made the discovery, I have no means of ascertaining, my frienda. 
"As a beginning of their punishment, they were obliged to go to 
•work. So they turned tailors, and sewed fig leaves together to 
make themselves aprons. These answered very well to cover 
their legs, but they could not hide their moral guilt from the all- 
seeing Eye. Eden soon lost all its loveliness. The flowers faded ; 
the birds ceased to sing ; the skies lowered, and gloom encom- 
passed the unhappy pair. They wandered arm in arm to and fro, 
in search of peace, but found in its stead a flaming sword, fast 
driving them forever from Paradise and happiness into a world of 
toil, trouble, anxiety, sin and sorrow, for them to people with a 
wicked and sickly progeny — and they have done it. 

My friends : isirt it a dreadful pity that our long dead and la 
mentea progenitress should have damned all mankind for a paltry 
apple 1 What evils she has entailed upon us by her foolishness' 
Instead of enjoying a heaven upon earth, as might otherwise have 
been the case, here we are, struggling about in the miastof dea'h, 
disease, crime, wickedness of all kinds, pain, discontent, old barn- 
elors and other evils, vice, grief, melancholy, old mams, and such 
like miseries. Here we are, <\orthless drtgs of mortality — taP 
Jast runnings of the keg of holiness, and growing more I'Aey ever^ 



190 SHORT PATENT SER> ONS. 

day. Here we are, made up of the fag ends, clippings and refusfc 
of such moral stuff as used to be put into people in days of yore. 
Here we are, sucking happiness through a g' ose-quill and misery 
throu2;h an eaves-spout — poking over a barrel of cnaff for a cou- 
ple grains of wheat — fishing half a day with a wet jacket and a 
hungry belly for a mess of trout, and coming home with a solitary 
cat-tish — working like a windmill for the public good, and then 
whistling for reward — seeking glory, and finding it at the door of 
the tomb. Oh, how I mourn the fall of our first parents! When 
they fell, what a fall was there, my brethren ! It was like an an 
gel falling out of heaven into a horse pond. It is true there are 
a fpw particles of pleasure to be nicked up in our terrestrial wan- 
derings ; but ..ley are of little consequence. Sorrow sometimes 
lies down to sleep amid the ticwers of joy: but she is soon awa- 
kened by the jarring footstejjs cf AlHiction. Cares, perj)iexities 
and disappointments will come, i^. spite of physic or preaching; 
and the less notice we take of them the better we are oil". Alto- 
gether, the world is in a sad pickle; but I hope and trust that the 
time will eventually come when it will wear off a good portion of 
its accumulated rust, and exhibit something of its original bright- 
ness and purity. So mute it be ! 



LIFE NEXT TO NOTHING. 



Text. — O Life ! than Nothins's younger brother; 

So like that one m'ght take one for the other! 

♦ ♦*«•♦■«•♦*♦ 
Without blest Liberty, Life were a burden. 

M-"- Hearers : Call life what we may, it is so near akin to No- 
thing, that, as my text says, one might be easily taken for the other. 
It is no more rtiated to Something than a cauiei to King Richar'l 
tr.e Third; and the false glories reflected from a rainbow aie a? 
solid as iron when compared toil. It is a mysterious magnetic 
operation, that is continually carried on between mind and matte) 
— and as for trying to comprehend it, one might as well think of 
producing butter by churning chalk and water. How we came 
by it is more than we can tell. We know just about as much 
concerning the .natter, and how we happenec^ to be washed upon 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 191 

the shore Jf b^ing, ready male, as do the -hoptoads that a:e rain- 
ed aown in a shower. It is thrust upon us, unasked for, ani 
taken from us hefore our pernsission le ng fist obta'ned. We 
fan get rid of it as soon as we like, but cannot enjoy it as long 
as we plea.-e. It is an ice-built isthmus between twc eternities, 
which, after a time, dissolves and disappears ; and then one endless 
ocean embraces all. Not all the gold of Apollo's Pythian trea 
sures can purchase it, nor bribe it to remain for a single hour. 
When the vital spiiit has once burst from its prison of clay, it 
is off like a fugitive from justice — and there is no more turn- 
about to it than there is to a train of cars on a railroad. 

My friends : when we come to seriously consider upon life, we 
find it all a cheat; or, more vulgarly speaking, a tecided suck-in. 
It deludes us from hour to hour — employs that sycophant, Hope, to 
flatter our expectations with promises as false as they are fair, and 
as brittle as they are bright. It tells us that happiness is hoarded 
up in the treasury of to-morrow — that golden heaps of joy are 
wrapped in the thick folds of the future — and that one year to 
come is worth more than a dozen of those already devoured by 
Time. So we loan out all our cash of present comfort for the 
flimsy paper of Hope, which is always made payable at some in 
definite period hereafter ; and ere we could get it redeemed, the 
bank had either suspended, or it bui-st up forever. Hope tells us 
that as lovely flowers might be found on the mountain of man- 
hood as in the velvet meadow of youth — that the lowly vale of 
age is as blooming as either — and that the latter end of life's jour- 
ney is as pleasant as the beginning; but we shall find, when we 
arrive there, that it's all a lie, as the Indian Chief (who is now at 
brother Barnum's museum) said when he scalped the man with a 
wig on. 

My hearers : as the play-writer says, life is but a walking 
shadow that vanishes at the setting of mortality's sun : a poor 
player, that struts his hour upon a stage, and then is heard no 
more ; a tale told by an idiot, as full of sound and fury as a tin 
whistle and signifying as little. The life of man is the same in 
principle as that of a dog or a monkey, and is no more precious 
to him than theirs to them. Beasts have instinct, and they find 
enjoyment unmarred by care ; but man, proud of being rational, 
ooasts of the little knowledge he possesses, and . is miserable 



192 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

Life is g'ven to the brute creation, and they know how to iiRe it, 
but man co;nnnences abusing it ahnost as soon as he receives it. 
Let him have his own way — give him a chance to gratify every 
desire — let him pick nis own path to heaven — and he will be 
sure lO find himself eventually loating about the borders of dam- 
nation, minus happiness, comfort, and cash and perchance hif 
pantaloons pretty well patched to pieces. Birds feed on birds 
and beasts on each other prey out of dire necessity — for hunger 
bids them do it ; but man wantonly undoes his brother man, when 
he knows he can do himse!f no good by it : even as boys throw 
stones at frogs — for fun. Oh, my friends ! it is a grand thing to 
understand the moral chemistry of life : to know how to analyze 
every ingredient, so that its wholesome pleasures may be separa- 
ted from its poisons ; an i its sweets extracted from its bitters ; 
but you weak and inconsiderate insects r-' a summers day! like 
foolish flies, you dive headlong into the molasses of gross and 
sensual indulgence ; and then, when you attempt to rise into a 
purer atmosphere, you find your feet clogged, and the wings of 
j'our sprits too enfeebled to raise even a respectable flutter. So 
you keep pad lling, as nigh the surface as possible, till eventually 
you give a mighty struggle — a desperate kick — and then sink to 
rise no more. Then, at the moment when death comes, and not 
till then, you make up your minds that you have just learned 
how to live. 

My dear friends : everything possessed of life and being must 
have LIBERTY, else there is little or no enjoyment. The body 
must not be shut up in the thick walls of a prison, nor confined 
to any particular locality. Man cannot bear the idea cf being a 
slave to any but his own passions. He would use his strongest 
eflorts to burst the fetters that bind him, even though he were to 
rush into the cold arms of Death. He must be free — free as the 
wild birds that sport in summer bowsers, and sing in their own 
green groves — ay, free as the winds, that disdain to be at rest, but 
wander abroad to the earth's remotest bounds. The vale of tyr- 
anny is dark and dreary — filled with offensive vapors mm arise 
from the putrid pools of oppression ; but the fair fields of freedom 
are redolent with the sweet fragrance of flowers. The warm light 
cf libeity causes the seeds of a young nation's greatness to ger- 
minate, and produce a tree whose branches shall bend with ita 



SHORT PATENT SERiMONS. 193 

ijiple.'J of ^old : and the poor laborer can scarcely fail to r<.ij> the 
rich rewards of his industry from republican soil. Li'e s .ib- 
erty. and ! bert) is life. Even the soul '.viil not Lf, ci^ruv-nt .'ith 
mer^y looking ihrougli the dim wiiu.'ows [hat let a trw r..vs of 
1 ghi i t.) lis leiiebr (US cell, but leaves its pent-up i)r;>o:: :o re'- -;l 
amiJ th-e star-blos<o(neJ bowers of heaven, and iiavers-c t-'.r »ysJ 
and uiilracked v;ildernessof eternity. When the body is \v.r<o]>^tI 
l:\ «; umber, and reason nods upon her throne, our thougMj scal 
£Wriy fiorn home — go on a rpree — get intoxicated and ciazy — and 
bick i:p crnsiderable of a dust in the queendom of Fancy 'i'hey 
uiitl have l.berty while the system has life — and it is J!i»i •>;• 1 1 - 
iir.ult to cCiiline ihem as it would be for Brother Gossin'^ Iw u i-Jf.a 
to hold a .-treak of West India lightning by the tail. 

Preseive your liberties, my hearers, by vigilance and patriotism 
and pro'.ony; your life by prudence and lemperance : and then when 
you are called tc leave this world of toil, you will have the un- 
speakable joy ol knowing liiat you have made the moKl of the 
iiti'it that life aflurds. So mote it be ! 



s:gn3 of spriiio. 

Text. — Cy certain signs al-cut ihelanc', 

1 know that Spri:;g is .:'.los2 at hasd. 

My Hkarbrs: Nat Oi-.], do we fcei, by particularly mild, soft, 
soothing, serr.i-.'.Lei:y and half soul-animating influences, that 
gentle, balmy Si/iing is advancing upon us, but 'A'c are persuaded 
of the faci. by ccr.ain signs manifested around us. What are 
these signs, ask ye ? Tney ere iiunierously numerous. Nature — 
awaking from her long winter's sleep — rubs her eyc;s, and seems 
l*arfully a.stonished to tind herself in so nude a sta-.t, lest she be 
i.ndicled. with the model artists, for indecency. She appears not 
to Know exactly what to do : whether to shut her eyes again, and 
ulay chloroformed, or prepare a drapery which ruthle.ss Jack Frost 
might tear into tatters eve it be half made up. All this shows 
conclusively that Winter is in a 'transition state'— not in the 
etate of Massachusetts, fcr that is a primitive state, but in a state 
like Jersey— a very l;^CI:E^A^l^ state. However, when we see eo 

la 



(94 £HORT PATENT SERMOKS. 

much shirting and shifting going on in nature, we can easily sui« 
niise that a change of outer gaiments is about to take place. 

Now, my friends, allow me to speak of other signs. I yester* 
day saw some green blades of grass leaning up to the sunny sida 
of a brick wall, rejoicing in hope, and taking it easy ; as much as 
to say, ' Happy are we, from care we are free ; we are not to ;:e 
the victims of misplaced confidence, any how yo4i can fix it !' 1 
noticed, too, that pet flov/ers in parlor windows ail pu^ t.ieii lieaid 
towards the panes; and they seemed to look out. vv:n tnoir pink, 
blue and yellow eyes, as anxiously for the approacn of Spring as 
ever did s'-. eel^eart for lover. Horses' coats, men's hats, and Na- 
ture's shin:r.y, all indicate that an unusual change of wardrobe is 
upon the eve of commencement. Pedestrians unbutton their 
overcoats, and throw faera back upo.i their shoulders, as though 
they would carry, rather than Mtar tLm. ; ^nr a: or you see them 
buttoned up to their chirks, and iheir tfiian.s streaking it ahead, as 
if they were going to a C?.Ivii:.istic ch'.rch to hear hall preached 
for the comfort of the thing. 

My friends: that Spring is at hand we all know, without any 
of the aforementioned harbingers. We know it, not only because 
the almanac tells us so, but because we know that each season 
comes round in its turn, just as regular as the milkman, the col- 
lector of taxes, rent-day, or Sunday. There is nothing irregujp.r 
in nature; because it is round, as I told you last Sabbekdv; it 
rolls evenly round, and is bound to come regularly round. ;t is 
not like men generally, the women more generally, and tnc La- 
glioh verbs particularly, ' regular, irregular, and defective •' r ^, 
nature is straightforward nature, and it isn't anything eli " . - ■ *-'ui 
to Heaven, brothers and sisters, that you were half a?* -i^ii: r a 
your courses! 

My dear friends : since Winter is retiring, or has alrer.QV rctr'-.i, 
to his hibernal, antarctic hall, ' ain't you glad V U you .-*-► rt, 
you must be made of old junk, or something about as 5:^TlJli)••'e. 
iShow me the man who does not del ght in the departuie o. *^ •.i- 
ter, and I will exhibit to you one who, as Sheepspear eayz, :« lit 
for treacle, straddlebugs and spooks.' But, when you tei Argo 
and the Dog cutting their sticks from the north, -"nd Ich:!:] the 
March Ram butting down the barriers of the yar, to let milder 
ajid sunnier days steal in upon us. now can it oe othervrise tUauc 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 195 

that you should feel as though your hearts were reao;y to put 
forth new sprouts of joy and gladness! Oh ! if you have souls 
susceptible of the beauty of bean-porridge hot, or of the glories 
attendant upon a mild morning in Muy, you can't help experienc- 
ing the revivifying, the reanimating, the rejuvenating influences of 
the vernal season. Why, my friends. Spring can start fresh and 
vigorous plants from the ostensibly barren soil of an over-tilled 
mind — twine a flowery wreath of hope round the pale brow of 
Despair— give strength, new life and activity to the pinions of 
frost-bitten Fancy, and make an old man feel as if the hour-hand 
to the clock of existence had been set back one quarter, at least, 
of its little circle. In fact, Spring can do almost anthing in the 
way of favoring poor humanity, except dyeing grey hairs in the 
whiskers of an old bachelor, taking out the superfluous curls and 
mortifying wrinkles of an elderly maiden, transmogrifyi'ng decre- 
pid Age into buoyant Youth, and mending our old shoes. 

My hearers: while you behold sweet Spring waving her magic 
wand, and awakening dull earth into life, pristine beauty and love- 
liness, you cannot but hope that you will vegetate for another 

year — that new flowers will start up along the pathway of life 

and that all your prospects will be crowned with success, even as 
the blossoms of promise put forth by May are fulfilled by the 
golden fruits of Autumn. And you also behold a general resur- 
rection of bugs and vegetation around you, you may go to your 
mortal beds at last, in full confidence that, after having taken a 
short nap in the cold wintry grave, you will start up and flourish 
pgain, like pig-weeds in an unmolested garden. So mote it be ! 



ON SPIRITS. 

Text. — Spirits, that live throughout, 

Vital in every part, not us frail man, 
In entrails, head or heart, liver or reins, 
Cannot, but by annihilating, die. 

Mr Hearers: Do you believe in spirits'? I do. If we cannot 
behold them with our natural natural eyes, they reveal themselves 
♦o us through the channel of every other one of our senses. We 
hear them, feel them, smell them, and taste them. We hearihem, 
either howling, sighing or singing in the wind- -'•oaring, moaning 



196 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

or laughing in the living waters — humming, buzzing or whisper. 
ioj^ among the moving multitudes of earth. We feel them finger- 
inf>- our heart-strings ; at times producing most soothing, delight- 
ful melody, and again awaking the wildest and most tenor-slriking 
notes that ever marred the unwritten music of the human soul. 
We ^mell the perfume shaken from their odoriferous wings, even 
as we scent the fragrance of flowers from afar, without b-holJing 
the lovely objects themselves — ay, even as the hound kr.ovveth by 
his nostrils that a fox is in the neighborhood. Yes, and we smell 
spirits, too, when we put our noses to a bottle of Jamaica. We 
taste tham in the same manner ) for tasting is but smelling, and 
smelling tasting. 

Spirits, my friends, are an independent set of beings, going whi- 
ther they will, doing whatever they like, and caring for no one. 
Taeir home is the unbounded universe; and consequently they 
glory in an immunity from the laws enacted in this or any other 
rolling sphere ; for any being has a perfect right to do as he pleases 
in his own house. Having no debts to pay — not even the debt 
of nature — they hide behind no bushes for fear of a creditor, but 
boldly flap their wings in the face of that unrelenting proprieto; 
ot all flesh. Death himself. No bodies have they to feed, clothe, 
or suffer incarceration for crime, how can they, you m.ay ask, be 
otherwise than happy as the insects that dance in the golden sun- 
shine 1 But it is not so. Spirits are often melancholy — utterly 
miseiable — pierced with anguish; and the groans that they som.e- 
times pour into the unwilling ear of meditation are enough to make 
a laughing philosopher moody for life. What a mournful ado is 
kicked up by those naturally jovial, sylvan spirits of the forest, 
when the Storm King, in his wrath, drives them helter-skelter from 
their favorite haunts, and sends them howling through the view- 
less air in search of that undiscoverable spot where ' the weary 
are at rest, and the wicked cease from troubling !' And how, too, 
the ocean-spirits below whistle, shriek and roar, when the rampant 
wind5> are let loose, and the whole of heaven's heavy artillery la 
brought to bear upon the bosom of the mighty deep! Wh}, 
Sjiirits are as much, and as often, troubled in spirit as we mud 
made mortals are in both spirit and flesh ; and when there is any 
thing the matter with *hem, they are determined that man shaL 
Know it. or heaven darken and hell grow brighter. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 197 

My friends : as I have said before, the home of spirits /s every 
ivhere, even at the bottom of the ocean. Fishing once of! Ascen- 
sion Island, I hauled up ^vith my hook a mnrine Beelzebub, or 
what the natives termed a sea devil ; and I forthwith came to iho 
conclusion that the creature was nothing more nor less than one 
of those fish-embodied spirits which one Glendower of old falsely 
asserted he could call from the vasty deep. My surmises wers 
fully sustained, from the fact that I had no sooner got him to the 
surface of the water than he vanished 'like the baseless fabric of 
a vision,' leaving only me, a poor disappointed wretch, behind. 
The truth is, spirits can never be coaxed nor compelled to obey the 
summons of any human mortal ; you must fish for them, and may 
not catch them then. 

My hearers: there are myriads of spirits that inhabit thia 
breathing world, assuming all shapes, sizes and sexes, to enume- 
rate a thousandth part of which would take me from the coming 
fourth of July to for ever. There is the spirit of the age, with 
big boots, long legs, and going it with a most straddling stride — 
the sprit of the press, armed with the bludgeon of freedom, and at 
the same time scattering the seeds of intelligence abroad — the spi- 
rit of reform, trouncing moral error with a bundle of roses and 
thistles — the spirit of democracy, with a dirty shirt and a slump 
of a cigar, ready and rough for almost any emergency — the spirit 
of seventy-six, pale, emaciated and fast declining to the tomb. 
Yes, and there, too, brethren, is the spirit of love, the most beau- 
tiful of the whole tribe of spirits, twining rosy wreaths with 
which to bind all mankind in one universal bond cf brotherhood. 
I hope she may succeed. 1 hope, also, that the time is not far dis- 
tant when only one spirit shall prevail over all others upon earth, 
and that known by no other name than the spirit of right. So 
mote it be ! 



ON RECONCILIATION. 



Text. — It is a work of charity, God knows, 

The reconcilement of two mortal foes. 

5lY Hearers : There are a thousand and one ways in this wcrla 
of bestowing charity. 11 you have no money to give to the poor 



198 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

»nd need)'', let ihem see that they are welcome to a slice of yoar 
friendship ; and God will butter it for them with his blessing. A 
I:ind word or deed is as good to thern as a piece of gold. While 
if serves as a salve to lheir sorrows, it is, at the same time, meat, 
J. ink and lodg ng to their souls. It also greases the elbows of 
e\eriion, and causes a half-despairing biother to give an extra dig 
lor the maintenance of that p tiful pauper, the body It is a work 
of charity, too, not to give, in any M-ay, shape or manner; but to 
catch a wilfully-blind mortal, that is about to run into the fire, by 
the coat-tail, and jerk him aside, as you would a dog intent upon 
putting his foot in a steel-trap for the bait. Moreover, it is a cha- 
rity to yourselves to forego luxuries that you stand in no more 
need of than a sheep v/ants champagne and oysters, and which 
not only corrupt your carcases, but cause .scales to grow upon 
your dispositions half as big as pewter platters. 

My friends: the great work of charity, after all, is to persuade 
two mortal foes, who are pulling each other's hair, to let go, and 
shake hands. Oh ! how such manual vibrations, under such cir- 
cumstances, cause the heart-strings of him who efTects .so glorious 
a purpose to quiver with delight ! He feels as though he were 
reconciling Satan himself to the holy precept of the Bible. 
Well, he does certainly do a good — a great thing — who per- 
suades a couple of belligerent humans to eat bread nnd milk 
out of the same dish without hitting one another over the head 
with the spoon. He accomplishes more than was ever dreampt 
of in all Fourisrite philosophy. Only think, brethren, two men, 
inodolled, built and finished after the image of GoJ — whose hearts 
should afiord downy ne^ts for love and gentleness, and whose lips 
should j)roclaim peace and good-will to all — only think, I say, of 
two such beautiful beings pitching into each other right and left, 
and giving each a blackened eye, as a receipt for a besooted cha- 
racter ! What a melancholy pair of spectacles ! They will die, 
some timfi or another, however, and go to a place where they will 
see stuck up in large letters, 'No Fighting Allowed Here' — to 
which 1 would direct the attention of all nations, as well as indi- 
viduals, who are engaged in furious and bloody strifes, and request 
them to hurry up and get satisfaction as soon as possible; for, let 
ihem recollect that, although a war may be carried into Africa, 
tliere is no such thing as finishing it off in heaven. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 199 

My worthy hearers : in the catalogue of worldly loss we find 
social foes, political foes, religious foes, and mortal foes. Your 
social enemy is the very worst, on some accounts : he firec at yo' 
from the bushes ; and, when he comes out, he so counterfeits the 
guise of a fjiend that you don't know who from neuter gendei 
But, at the same time, and to make accounts square, somebod) 
else is receiving a shot in the rear from you. Envy, sheer envy, 
is the cause of all the trouble. You want your neighbor's swiil, 
and he wants yours ; and yet you won't swap, ' JMine and yours 
too' is your motto, and you seem determined to have them or tight, 
and die if must be. It were a work of charity, indeed, if heaven, 
or some hog constable, would interfere in this business. Political 
ioes are such very small potatoes, that they will hardly pay foi 
skinning; yet behold how (through their respective journals) they 
endeavor to flay one another ! — or, rather, how they thrust and 
stab, each with his own weapon — a GoosE-quill ! A monstrous 
shedding of ink, and nobody hurt — not even a character damaged ! 
The ^reat work of charity, in such cases, would- be to put some 
half dozen of conflicting heads together under a pump spout, and 
work away at the handle, till each acknowledged himself wrons, 
the Lther right, and the country safe. In religious foes, there is a 
vast deal of venom and malignant spite. So rancorous is their 
mutual hatred, that I verily believe if the one krew that the other 
had got into heaven before him, he would smell his coat-tail 
scorching with blue blazes a long while ere he budged an inch 
towa.-ds the whereabouts of his contemptible predecessor. To st- 
tempt a reconcilement of them, were just as futile as would be the 
endeavor to mix fire and water together, or make a woman give in 
during the first ten minutes of a domestic dispute. It is a reckless 
waste of charity to bestow it in behalf of two opposing bigots. 
They are both set as firmly as an iron la-nnp post, and you might 
as well preach to the one as to the other. Religious fanatics are 
bound to have one eye shut, and you couldn't pry ii open with the 
crowbar of reason, even though you were to use the Bible and a 
brickbat for a fulcrum. 

Nevertheless, brethren, we ought not to flag in our exertions 
towards the reconcilement of the whole human family. I knew 
this is a world of selfishness ; and therefore there must be feuds, 
strifes, turmoils, and conflicts \ but I believe that if we spent less 



£00 SHO'lT PATENT SERMONS. 

money than ^ve do for charitable purposes, and resorted to othei 
means for the ameloralion of mankind in gencial, there would 
not be quite so much of pulling of hair, kicking of shins, bleed- 
ing of noses, and black-balling of character as at present exists. 
I believe it, by Josh. So mote it be ! 



THE SWEETS OF GRATITUDE. 



Text. — Sweet is the breath of vernal thowers, 
The bee's collected treasure's sweet ; 
Sweet music's melting fall, but sweeter yet 
The still small voice of gratitude. 

Mr Hearers : In every orchard there are sweet apples as well as 
sour; and worms indiscriminately eat at the cores of each. Life 
has it sweets, its bitters, and its acids. Its sweets are generally so 
.sweet as to be sickening after a short indulgence; its bitters are 
tco strong to be taken separately ; and its ac ds are too sour to be 
reii.shed — for instance the marriage state, when wills and wont's 
find shalls and shan'ts, are thicker in the domestic decalogue than 
ANDs in the Old Testament. When the bitter, sweet, and sour of 
existence are proportionably mixed togelher, and well shaken up 
by industry, they form a pleasant beverage for the soul, healthy, 
invigorating, and cheerirg. Joy, sorrow, pleasure, pain, hope, 
doubt, happiness and tro^-ble are all mingled in the cup of life ; and 
vrell it is so — for wh.Vi enjoyment, my friends, do you sup})ose a 
person would find in chewi:ii^ a m.ouihful of tea and drinking a 
quantity of hot water ari:eivv5,rds ? The world to some appenrs to 
be a big sweet orange, at vviuch they sit and suck, apparently as 
happy, and twice as sleepy, as a pig at the teat. To others, it is 
an addled e2:g — a rotten potato — a bad oyster — anything that is 
rank and offensive. To me it is a good enough sort of affair, and 
toierably well got up, .ill things considered — answer? very well. 
it is a little rough round the edges, and has rather a tough rin 1 : 
but, rfter one has once gnawned his way into the best of its soci- 
ety, he finds pretty good pickings, I can assure you. Vet eVcMi 
here there is a very deal of vice brooding under the gob.'en wings 
of wealth. Here, as well as elsewhere, are immorality, infidelity, 
^eachery, dishonesty and rascality. Here, too, are gormandizers 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 201 

upon good names — robbers of reputations. Yes, I verily 1 elieve 
there are some to be found here who would, if they coul 1 ge: 
chance, go eaves-dropping about the door of heaven for the .«al:e 
of slandering the saints; but with such I want to have nothing to 
do — not even to try to better their mal-formed characters. No. 1 
would as soon thi.ik of planting sweet potatoes upon the rock of 
Gibraltar as attempt engrafting virtue and honesty ufon a natj 
rally depraved heart. 

My hearers : there are many sweet sights, sounds and sensa- 
tions in the »v;,.jd. Sweet, says my text, is the breath of vernal 
showers. Delightfully true. What pleasant odors arise from the 
earth wnen gently fails the mild Aj.ril rain ! — how fragrant the 
young btuls and ju^'enile flowers, just starting into life and rejoic- 
ing in a renewed existence ! How animating the smell of new- 
ness and freshness of the outer world ! Fresh sprouts of joy and 
gladness spring up in our bosoms; and hearts, that seem to have 
dro])ped their petals and gone to seed, re-bloom like an old apple- 
tree an hundred years old. Honey is sweet, so is molasses. 
Sweet, sweet is the syrup of love ! but, my friends, it is by far 
the sweetest when taken by sips, so small as never to satisfy. 
When headlongishly dived into, like a duck into a dough-dish, a 
body soon gets his fill, and often turns away from the feast in 
disgust. Proffered kisses are sweet, but stolen ones are SAveeter. 
Those kisses that are gathered from the bush of beauty are not 
always *.he sweetest. No, it is the rich, mellow and juicy kiss of 
affection that gives out the saccharine to the soul's delight, even 
though it be taken fro.m the fungous lips of an Ethiopian wench. 
A singb smack upon the labiel protuberances of the girl that one 
truly J.nd devotedly loves, though she be plain in feature, is 
sweeter far than would be a bushel of busses favored by the 
Queen of Beauty, Sweet, too, is the melting fall of music — 1)ut 
not such music as nightly comes down upon us ' like a thousand 
of bricks' from the balconies of museums, nor such as we some- 
times hear at the opera. There may be some who find sweetness 
in such musical agony; and also perhaps in the trumpets of fire- 
rj en, the bowlings of dogs and v.-aulings of cats. Such persons 
should recollect that King IMidas of old was furnished w.'th a pair 
of ass's ears for preferring the singing of Marsyas, the satyr, to 
die divine s.iains of Apollo, and beware lest their own auricles 



202 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

maKe a stir, further elongation. Music to be sweet ; should be 
gentle, soft, melodious, divine — such as one might imagine is put 
forth by the golden harps of the seraphim, breathing a balm upon 
the heart, and awakening fond memories of by-gone days. Even 
such delightful music as this becomes a bore when prolonged after 
i^ body once gets his musical maw well filled with it. It is then 
no longer music, for it has devoured itself — swallowed its own 
ethereal form and substance, and nothing but an unwelcome odor 
is left behind. 

My dear friends : of all that is sweet in the world, or pertaining 
to humanity, gratitude is by far the sweetest. It is the rich per- 
fume that flowers emit when moistened by generous dews and 
welcome showers, or even when trodden upon by the foot of care- 
lessness. So ought you all to pour out your gratitude for kicks 
as well as kindnesses. It is a 'sweet-smelling savor to the Lord,' 
and he that furnishes most of the article receives in return the 
greatest share of heavenly favors. Uncork your phials of grati- 
tude, ye poor, pitiful and dependent beings, for the blessings as 
well as ills that daily fall around you, and let their fragrance as- 
cend to the sole Provider of all. If you have but little that you 
can call your own upon earth, be thankful for it, and hope and 
hoe for more. Be as grateful for an onion as you would be for 
an egg, and you could't help feeling happy if you were to try all 
you knew to make yourselves miserable. Show your thankful- 
ness for whatever you receive, whether it be flogging by the hand 
of Amiction or a kiss by the blooming damsel. Health, Old Time 
in his travels has often trodden upon my corns in a mos" careless 
manner; but 1 have always been obliged to him for it — consider- 
ing how much better they felt when they had done aching. Gra- 
titude emits such a sweet moral scent as makes man delighted witl 
the company of his kind. He loves to breathe the social atmos 
phere made redolent with its perfume; and whih he luxuriates in 
the joys of the v.-orld below, he ever and anon looks up to a Det- 
tei and bigger one above. So mote it be ! 



'Know Thyself, — This is one of my friend Pope's injunctions 
I thought of it the moment I saw my portrait in 'The Town' 
yesterday ; and then I thought how difiicult it is for a man {9 
know himseV —sometimes. Who am I '^ i> jb. 



SHORT PATENT Si:RMONS. 203 

lUCCESS UNCERTAIN — PROSPEROUS FAME. 

Text. — Success, the mark no mortal wit. 
Or surest hand, can always hit. 

For all affections wait on prosperous fame : 

Not he that climbs, but he that falls, meets shame. 

Mr Hir-ARERS : To begin, alloAv me to drink success to you ai!, 
from thiS tumbler of pure Croton. It is my hearty desire that you 
may succeed in the majority of your undertakings ; that is, if you 
don't undertake to steal a sheep, pick a pocket, put tar on my good 
name, or do something equally as uncommendable. But you need 
not tickle yourselves with the hope that you can always acconf 
plish what you put your hand to ; for that doesn't lie in the par, 
taloons of mortality. The greatest, best and mightiest must miss 
it sometimes — 1 do myself ; and so INIichael, the archangel, fell 
short of his calculations when he and all his volunteer crew 
undertook to take heaven by conquest. He didn't succeed. 

My worthy friends : success is indeed the mark that no mortal 
can always hit. It is the bull's eye upon a target ; you put a do- 
zen shots round it — some near and some farther off— where you 
plum.p one within its circumference. You often think you are as 
sure of it as the green youth is of the ' little joker' beneath the 
cups of the thimble rig — and so you are, just about as sure. It 
is w^ell enough to be flattered and encouraged with the promises 
of success put forth by that lovely, but fickle damsel, Hope ; but 
O, brethren ! I warn you not to make too sure of succe&c, for ycu 
may get disappointed ; and recollect that disappointment carries a 
sting in its tail as well as a bumble bee. Yes, when you fall short 
of the object for which you jump, you go meeching off like a cat 
that has missed her mouse. You feel sore about the heart — your 
gizzard grumbles — your spirits sink below zero — you look as 
crabbed as an apple-orchard among hemKcks, and sour enough to 
pickle saJmon at a single glance ] and all because you were too 
sanguine in your expectations. 

I will tell you, brethren, of a few truths. Never attempt to be- 
come a lavoritc with the ladies unless you are tolerably good look- 
ing — have a face made of brass, and a heart of beeswax- -are pos- 
sessed 01 half a bushel of small talk — have a bowl of mush an.' 
milk upon your shoulders, instead of a head — and are just the 
fool not to know when you make an extra ^ool or yourself; if 



204 SHORT PATENT SERMONS 

you do, you won't succeed. Never run to catch a falling star in 
your hat, noriittempt to re-seat a k ng upon his ihrcne, whom his 
subjects have tumbled to the bot;om ; it were useless. Never o;ive 
a boy a shilling to hold your shadow while you c'imb a tree to 
look into the middle of next week ; it is money thrown away. 
Never grease the wheels of time, thinking thereby to journey 
more comfortably through life : you will get disappoiiitt J. Nevei 
become a lawyer, unless you can lie like Satan, forward and bacK, 
right and left, and round the corners; and can trans-quilify a su- 
perlative wrong into a positive right in the shake of a judge's 
wig : you'll not succeed. Never turn politician, unless you are 
willing to immolate your reputation for honesty, and stand readv 
to sacrifice, at a moment's warning, any and every dear principle 
for the sake of office. Never start a newspaper with no other 
capital to back it than one solitary idea, and that backed by no- 
thing but egotism and vanity : it will starve to death, as sure as 
fate. Never think to draw a great crowd by preaching, nowaday, 
unless you hold forth in a magnificent church, or deliver odd dis- 
courses, or preach, as it were, by forty-horse steam power, or pos- 
sess the faculty of opening the hearts of sinners to conviction, as 
though you did it with a beetle and wedge : you stand no chance 
of succeeding. Finally, never imagine you can get to heaven in 
a balloon : nothing gassy can ever reach there. 

Brethren : now lend nie one or both of your ears, while T inform 
you about the best way to succeed, where success is as probable 
as one fair day in a week. You can't obtain it any the quicker 
by taking a run-and-jump for it; nor by flying around, like dry 
leaves on a whirlwind. No, you must creep along quietly, softly, 
patiently. Persevere, but take it easy up the hill — don't worry 
yourselves out of breath and good humor ; if your foot slips, grab 
at a twng, and hold on till you recover: have faith like a grain of 
calomel ; at every sunset see that you have gained a little, no 
matter how little, and you are sure to reach the summit after a 
while. To see some uneasy, impatient mortals striving for suc- 
cess, puts me in mind of little toads vainly endeavoring to hop up 
a steep sand-bank ; — they give a desperate jump or two, and turn- 
ole backward to the bottom. 

My hearers: according to the first of the last limb of my text, 
all our aflections arc ever ready to wait on prosperous fame ; and 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS 205 

<.tiat's truth, too Those who go to war anJ come oil victnious 
either by luck o goo i gent /alship — no matter which — are extolled 
to the .stars ; bjt those whom Mars wills to be beaten, and conse- 
quently get beaten, are entitled to noth'ng but scorn, ridicule and 
contrmpt. This ought not to be so, espec-ally where all has been 
done that spunk, courage, pluck and bravery could iionestly de- 
mand : though it is considered a high honor to be slain in battle, 
upon either side. For my part, however, I aspire to nothing ol 
the kind ; but would much rather be excused from having it con- 
ferred. I can't see why my friend Hudibras k not perfectly right 

vvnen he says. 

If he that is in battle slain, 
Be in the bed of honor lain. 
Sure he that's beaten may be said 
To lie in honors truckle-bed. 

But the world won't have it so. He that is beaten, instead of be- 
ing allowed to lie in the trundle-bed of honor, is pitched into a 
rrud-hole of disgrace, there to remain and rot in oblivion. And 
feo it is with climbing. He that reaches the top of the tree is 
praised, but he that falls meets shame and abuse — just as though 
the fall alone was not enough for the poor unfortunate devil. 
This is a queer world, my friends ; it has queer ways — it is stock- 
ed with a queer people, who are filled with queer notions — and ii 
is a query to me whether it would half pay expenses to get up 
another one like it. So mote it be ! 



TERMS, COMPARATIVELY USED. 

T.^XT. — What is smooth, and what is rough, 
Of what is tender, what is tough — 
Of what for all is good enough. 

My Hi:arers : Perhaps you expect me to tell you, in the tirsl 
•jldcs, wiial tilings are smooth. There is nothing perfectly smooth 
m this world, except the tongue of the flatterer — that is as sleeK 
art article as Nature ever attempted to produce. There ire thou- 
oci'vls of things, however, appaienlly smooth, but in realty rough 
>3the barK of a hickory tree, or that of a big bulldog. But, ne- 
ii.:'>P0RTE. as they say in Choctaw, which, being translated, means 
n^ifcr mind— ]pt us look at the things that are considered smooth 



£06 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

We have smooth, fiowing rivers — smooth, glassy lakes — smooth 
oads — smooth people — smooth speeches-smooth shaves — smooth 
Btories — smooth faces — and smooth characters. Nov/, under the 
surfaces, and .nside the exteriors of all these, there may be found 
as many asperities as there are bones in a moss-bunker. Stiii they 
tre comparatively smooth ; but I advise y lu, my friends, to be 
».areful how you venture upon, handle, touc, or approach them. 
Your boat may be upset while crossing the gentlest and smoothest 
of rivers ; the calmest of lakes may become turbulent when roused 
into a passion by the angry storm, and you be pitched out of your 
frail bark into eternity, in a moment ; you may be thrown, from 
your fast trotting sulkies boots over cap-leather, upon the smooth- 
est of roads, and not save your bacon, even though you struck 
upon the rock of salvation ; you may get most unrighteously 
pricked by coming in contact witi-, smooth people, and find your- 
selves awfully hatcheled by smooth speeches. If you want any- 
thing really smooth, come unto me, and I will give you such a 
private dose of pure moral castor oil, as will so purify and polish 
your natures that you won't need any more physic till long after 
the last doctor has gone to look after his put-away patients. 

My friends : the chiefest of the rough things of the world is 
the world itself — the next is a bear — the nex*, a bore — and the 
next, a rough customer of any sort. It has been said that ours is 
a smooth and slippery world ; instead of which, it is my firm 
Dpdnion that it approaches more to the rough and stumbling. How 
many old stubs, stumps, snags and firmly-fastened stones do we 
come across in the path of rectitude ! — and do we not meet with 
the same obstructions if we pursue any other course 1 Wherever 
we go, brethren, we find it all rough ; and we must lift our calf- 
skins and cowhides high and carefully — and have one eye aner.-., 
while the other keeps working to the right and left — or we may 
stub our toes, bruise our shins, tumble down, and spil) the ccntents 
of our pockets, to be scraped up by somebody beside? • j^selvr,? 
That a bear is rough, you may judge pretty well by tl.- felhw s 
looks ; were you to have a hug-and-tussle with him, Pil l.v-" adoi- 
lar to a doughnut that you would soon become convinced of t"i>e 
fact. We have a host of human bears that pretend to be civili?^(' 
and tame; but, like their wild quadrupedal brethren of the woci/, 
they are not to be trusted, treat them any way you will ; ihei 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 207 

bruinish disrositlon manifests itself under all circiiTnstances. Me- 
thinks I see a bear before me now. A bore, my friends, (I am not 
gpeaking of those pertaining to guns, such as smooth bores and 
screw bores, nor of the porcine species, but of certain bipeds) — a 
boie is as rough as a chestnut burr, because his presence pricka 
you with pins and needles, which you are oftentimes compelled to 
endure till endurance is no longer endurable; and, then, when af- 
ter a helgh-ho-hum, and a gentle hint, he doesn't feel inclined to 
move, 3^ou don't kick him out of doors — Oh, no, that would be 
uncivil, ungentlemanly, and wholly in disaccordance with the sp'- 
rit of Christianity, which teaches us that ' Whatsoever ye would' 
— you know the rest. No, you don't resort to any harsh mea* 
sure, but you siy unto him, ' My good friend, did you ever hear 
related a scory concern! ig a bore 1 It v;ill take only two hours 
and a hal* to tell it, and I beg the loan of your patience for the 
■wh'le.' If he doesn't make a start then, place no longer depend- 
ence upon the virtue of stratagem, but give him to understand, 
PLAINLY, that his company is no longer desirable. 

My hearers: allow me now to speak of what is tender, and 
what is tough. The women are all tender and delicate ; and, if 
any of you, my tough male brethren, lay a hand upon them ' ex 
cept in the way of kindness,' you incur my everlasting displea 
sure. Handle them gently, as you would a fiosver — press them, 
squeeze them, kiss them, fondly, as much as you please; because 
they like all that, whether they say so or not. I say unto you, 
my rough and tough brethren, let all such things be done de- 
licately, ' decently, and in order.' 

As for what is good enough for all, I will tell you in aD"ther 
discourse. So mote it be ! 



ON SMILES. 

Text. — A smile that glowed 

Celestial rosy red, love's proper hue. 

My I-^jgaf.ers : If we cast our eyes, as far as we c?in throw th^m. 
ovci thii natural world, we shall find it almost constantly wreathed 
with smiles. It is true clouds may occasionally overshadow ita 
Drew, or some other part of its countenance ; or even storms aad 



208 SHORI PATENT SERMONS. 

tpmpests may rage — as they sometimes do in th" iiature of the 
iTi'lJ<2.<l End plea-antest christian that ever existed — lut they tlon'l 
lasi Ion;. ; in a moment, as it were, the same wontc 1 hriprht and 
cheerful smile is displayed upon the face of the earth, and oi. the 
features of the heavens. 

My hearers: the firmament above smiles first with love and 
gladness, and the earth henealli can't helpsmil'no; and feeKngglaJ 
too — in like manner as those below you in ci:cumstances are 
caused to look happy by the light of your smiles. There is the 
gun — the eye and the soul of this great world — is not that eye for 
ever beaming with die warmest and brightest of smi'es 1 And the 
stars — those little twinkling eyes of night — are they not cont'nr.- 
ally snapping and glistening with the scintillations .if joy ? And 
there's the moon, too, that nocturnally looks down upon this leaden 
earth of ours with that same everlasti.ig sad smile ; but us nj'Jdl) 
melancholy as is that smile, there is someth ng j)leasing, if -vDt 
beautiful, about it, after all. It lights up the countenance of dull 
evening, and makes it look almost as cheerful as daylight a little 
tarnished. It silvers the tops of the dark forest trees — burnishes 
one side of each brown old rock, and transforms into magnificent 
mirrors every lake, pond and pool that sleeps unmolested by windf 
and waves. As my friend Moore once exclaimed, 

' How sweetly do the moonbeams smile 
To-night, upon yon leafy isle!' 
BO did I oft exclaim, ' long, long ago,' when 

'•Twas my delight of a shiny night, 
In the season of the year.' 
My other friend, Wordsworth, also apostrophizes the Queen of 
Ihe Silver Bow : 

* Smile of the moon ! — for so T name 
That silent greetmg from ubove.' 
Therefore, you may perceive that the moon does smile, in spite 
of her taciturn deportment and saturnine appearance ; for not only 
one or two, but a host of lunatic authors, have assured lis of the 
'act. 

My brethren : Aurora greets us in th'; morning with a glorious 
rosy srnile; the same also does old Scd bid us good r.ighfc with. 
when he puts on his red sleeping cap, and retires to rest. Look 
where you will, my sour-visaged, codfish-mouthed, melancholv 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 20*) 

mildewed brethren, and there you find Nature as smiling as a bunr b 
of shingles in the sunshine So you — if you know what is fo. 
your own happiness and the comfort of others — will ever strive to 
keep your faces as a bright, cheerful sun, and a source of serial 
warmth to those around you. But let your smiles be those re- 
flected from the blazes of sincerity and common kindness that 
one* used to glow so brighly in the old-fashioned fireplace of tht 
heart These bestow impartial warmth upon, and impart a soul- 
gladdening cheerfulness to, the littl. temi-circle of one's acquaint- 
ance ; but a counterfeit smile is colder than one thrown out by an 
iceberg at the last quarter of the moon. Some of the fair sex, 1 
know, can smile, and commit manslaughter when they smile — so 
powerful are their witching glances, and so terrible are the d«^'icate 
:\vistings and turnings of the corners of their lips ; but when King 
Richard Three Oj)tics declared he could smile, and murder whilst 
he smiled, he had reference to a diflferent sort of smiling, altoge- 
gether. Anybody might have seen that there was diabolical mur- 
der in it, and that he was just the chap to manufacture the article. 

My friends: I know of many who, when they wish to appear 
'•ujierlatively polite in company, screw their faces into such case 
lianleiied, ludicrous smiles, that you could hardly tell whether 
hey were grinning at the anguish produced by tormenting corns, 
3r endeavoring to put on an extra fascinating look for the occa- 
sion. 

And Ihen observe that same eternal hypocritical smile — always 
as mild as milk and water, as sweet as syrup, and twice as sick- 
ening. There is no rich glow about it — no warmth in it. It i« 
too cold, too calculating, too much of the polished pewter about 
it, to excite the caloric of one's admiration. 

There is the smile of contempt, with its upper lip curled as [ 
have seen that of a bullock at some unsavory smell : — the smile 
of defiance, like that exhibited by a mastiff chained to a gate post , 
— and the smile of imitation, as we often see forced from tho-t^e 
who smile, without knowing a whit of the wherefore. 

15ut all these smirks and smiles, my brethren, are but of little 
avail in the end. There is only one true and profitable kind: it 
U the warm, rosy smile of heart-born sincerity — the smile that 
?l- oaks of love, friendship, charity, justice and truth; that warmg 
as it glows and re:eives warmth in return — that proclaims bo'V 



210 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

ready we are to exchange ' smiles' with a world full ol friends 
with the wish that they may all be as prosperous and happy 
throu^jh Lie as ourselves — if not more so. So mote it ba 



PREACHERS NOT SUBJECTS FOR JESTS. 

l'ii> T Jest not at a preachers' language or condition ; 

How knowest thou but thy sins made him miscarry "* 
Then turn thy faults and his into confession. 
God sent him, whatsoe'er he be. 

My Hearers : You must never throw the paper pellets of ridicula 
at your preacher, under any circumstances. However uncouth his 
appearance, and coarse his apparel, you must recollect that God 
sent him, with a clean shirt at least (the preacher) and pure mo- 
tives, to proclaim the truth and do the work assigned him, without 
regard to exterior elegance. ' Don't be afther making fun of the 
bird,' said a newly-imported Hibernian to a lad whom he discov- 
ered annoying a land terrapin with a bull-rush — 'how do ye know 
but he has blessed hne feathers under his overcoat V And so with 
your ministei : he may wear a rough and hard-looking shell, and 
yet, like the turtle or lobster, have something good inside notwith- 
standing. Now, for instance, over yonder sits my friend Greeley, 
a political preacher; and here, in this old pulpit, stands your hum- 
ble servant, a dispenser of moral truths, holy obligations, and 
mild castigations. Now, neither of us can boast much in the way 
of personal appearance. I wear my trovvsers tucked into my 
boot-legs : he wears his neither tucked into nor under his boots, 
but about half way up from heel to strap. That venerable white 
coat of his has been trying from time immemorial to reconcile it- 
self to its slavish condition, and still tries, with most profound pa- 
tience and perseverance ; but my old brown outer garment seems 
to have given wholly up in despair of ever being released from its 
present bondage. Well, let God be praised — any how ! — even 
though TAILORS do curse and men deride. I couldn't j reach a bit 
better if I were clothed in the finest of broadcloth, silks and sa- 
tins, nor could my associate respecter of old clo's do any more for 
ihe political salvation of the country, were he to strap down Lj» 
p ints and wear a corset-board. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 211 

My friends; don't you laagh at your preacher's laiguage, un* 
.CSS lie intends it to provoke your merriment — for, let me tell you 
p:eachlnj^ is no laughing; matter : you wouldn't think it was if you 
l.ad sweat over it for seven long years, as I have done. Now, if 
I lalk to you in a manner as plain as a path along a canal, I ask 
if it isn't more becoming than to send you my thoughts in a ridi- 
cnlou? dandified dress, glittering with paste and tinsel, and un- 
adorned by a single valuable gem of sentiment ^ I am not going 
'•1 spoil the appearance of heaven by foolishly attempting to gar- 
nish it with artificial flowers, nor to blacken hell till it shines like 
a new polished boot. Not I. No, I am just as plain-spoken, and 
perhaps sometimes as quaint, as many of those Wesleyan preacn- 
ers, of whom Brother Robert A. West has given such interesting, 
and, I have no doubt faithful, sketches, in a book lately published 
for the Methodist Episcopal Church, 200 Mulberry street. Why, 
brethren, if you can't relish plain gospel, without its being dress- 
ed with the salad oil and mustard of rhetoric, you are altogether 
too dainty to sii at my table. Go till you get hungry, and then I 
will feed you, with such fodder as I have : or, till you are ill, and 
then I will administer unto you. You wonldn't reject a physician 
because he came to your beside in a common garb 1 If you did, 
you would deserve to be let alone, jammed in between tirre and 
eternity — grunting and sweating, like a pig under a picket fence. 

My dear friends : in speaking of your preacher's condition, hovf 
do you know, as inquireth my text, but your sins made him mis- 
carry? Great, indeed, are the sacrifices that ministers are com- 
pelled to make for the sins of the peojile. One half of them, 
o-.ving to the miserly niggardliness of their congregations, are 
obliged to lead the way to New- Jerusalem bare-footed, bare-head- 
ed, almost out at the elbows, and momentarily in deadly fear of 
exposing the latter ends of their undermost garments. If a pio- 
neer through the world's thorny and thickety wildnerness to the 
gates of an eternal Paradise, should be allowed to get footsore and 
have his trowsers torn without proper reward, I should like to 
know what should be the recompense of those who are entrusted 
\vi! ti the duty of leading us to the devil ? Ought not they to suf- 
fer for the want of a dickey, at least 1 

My friends: hypocrites are to be found wherever we tread- - 
they are as plenty as hop-toads after a shower. They have fals» 



212 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

keys, wherewith they hop** to make a bui^Iarious entrance into 
heaven ; but they are bound to l)e disapjiointed. Tliey will be. 
caught, tried and condemned before the highest of supreme courlF, 
and their doom will be eternal damnation. There are thousdnds 
of others, too, guilty of false pretences, in words, looks, drees, 
actions and manners. To them shall be meled out the panishmeni 
they have so assiduously earned ; but Mercy will take those to 
her bosom who are derided for speaking the plain truth, with an 
honest purpose, without regard to boots, breeches, language, cf 
manner of delivery. So mote it be ! 



ON POVERTY. 

Text. — But poverty with most, who whisper forth 
Their long complaints, is self-infiicted woe; 
The '"fleet of la/iness or sottish waste. 
My FjiiTKFUL Heakers : As regular as Sunday comes round, you 
find me always on hand, like a quantity of stale codfish ; and it 
affords me a vast deal of pleasure to perceive that none of you are 
ever found among the missing; though, I must say that I can be- 
liold a few, without the aid of spectacles, who are rather too much 
in the habit of taking every possible advantage of the old proverb, 
' better late than never.' Those would confer a particuhir favor 
upon me, and on the audienne generally, if at such times they 
would take the precaution to wear j)umps ; for the clanking of 
brazen-heeled boots does not well accord with the solemnities cf 
the occasion — besides, they very much disturb the slumbers of 
those who may be comfortably snoozing at the time. However, 
I don't beli'eve it is my fault ; for, if people sleep under my preach- 
ing, I very much doubt whether one, or even two blasts oi the 
last trump will be able to arouse them at the day of final settle- 
ment. I don't like to brag, but I humbly believe that I can make 
AS much noise, and drive as much common sense and morality into 
a mass of human nature as the comn.on run of loud preachers, 
and grandiloquent moral lecturers; because I feel the importance 
of my office, and am composed of so much combustible mateiial. 
When my ebenezer is once raised tc a certain pitch, 1 will turn 
my back to no man of my length, breadth, width, depth and num» 
ber of hairs, in a regular battle with sin, error, superstition and 
'oliy. Suffice it to say, that I always toe the mark, and nevej 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 213 

flinch, unless attacked in the rear. Now let mg to my text 

Poverty, it says, is in most cases self-inflicted 'Aoe. My fiiends, 
there is little doubt but Cowper is more than half right here. In 
order to stem the torrent of this world, you have all got to keep 
paddling — keep putting in the elbow grease; for, if you rest on 
your oars, you will soon find ycurselves, and your cargo of hap- 
piness fast floating down to the gulf of misery. Don't place toe 
much dependence on Providence. Heaven will never lend you a 
shilling till you have the disposition to earn two ; and even then 
your moral characters must be as sound as a log ; or the favors 
from such a source will be, like my visits to a rum shop, few and 
far between. It is said that poverty is no disgrace, but quite an 
inconvenience. Let me tell you, my hearers, that it is a disgrace in 
all cases. If a young man creates his own ruination by going it 
loose, and spreeing it tight, it is surely a disgrace ; and if, also, a 
person have the misfortune to be shipwrecked in a gale of adver- 
sity, and be left to sink or swim on a mere plank of honesty, sur- 
rounded by an ocean of troubles, he is likewise disgraced, in the 
distorted vision of the world, which, the Lord knows, is disgrace 
enough ; because it is the world that qualifies and sett, a value 
upon everything. A man may be entitled to honor, but he can't 
enjoy it unless the w^orld has a mind to bestow it on him. So 
you see, my friends, poverty is a disgrace, any way you can fi" 
it. [You needn't be jingling your coppers till the box goes round.] 
You all look very respectable — and I want you to retai-n your re- 
spectability; and the only way to maintain it is to keep a sharp 
lookout for the lucre — and the best method of being safe on this 
score is to go tho whole hog, bristles and all, in the advocacy of 
sound moral truths, Christianity, sobriety, integrity, and all such 
heart-polishing varnish — but not abolition, because white folks 
don't meddle with that. You must take a bee line through life — 
always be able to walk a crack — deal justly by all — never cheat 
?.nybody, unless they'd just as lief stand it as not, as the farmer 
tjld his son — and, above all, be particular to apply at my shop 
every Sunday for some sodder, in case the moral faculties should 
get any wise loosened at the joints. If you only follow ihcsti 
airections, you will soon wind your way up the pyramid of wealth, 
and finally enjoy the luxury of swingirgtc and fro on the golden 
^ates of terrestrial glory, where the comforts of this world are all 



214 SHORT PATENT StRMONS. 

boiled down to a syrup, and served up in big platteis of bliss. Tl 
you don't abide by liie«e. why you will always be as poor an J( b's 
turkey as lon<2; as you live; and when you come to die, you will 
feel persuade 1 that you were made for nothing, but to furnibU a 
paper-mill with rags, and perhaps cheat the worms out of a decent 
meal. When I see a young man, with an extra lot of dry goods 
upon his back, strutting along the streets, swinging a gold-heade I 
cane, frequenting gambling houses, and never engaged in useful 
employment, I am constrained to say, Young buck, you are spend- 
ing your substance in riotous living — you go it too strong on the 
iiigh-pressure system — you will soon burst the boiler of your va 
/lity, and be left to drift about, a shattered wreck, upon the billows 
of woe. When I see a poor loafer lie soaking in the suporific suda 
of a porter-house, I say, Old chap, you are a gone goose already — 
you have passed that bourne from whence no traveller returns, and 
all you are fit for is to be kept there, a warning to young suckers ' 
My respected hearers : be wise, be careful — do the best you can, 
BO that you may have the satisfaction of knowing that you are rich 
in spirit, if somewhat minus in purse. So mole it be ! 



MOON-FLATTERY. 



Text. — He ! he ! he ! zala he ! — the moon looks down — 
The moon in the blue sky, he ! he ! he ! 

My Hearers : of all the orbs that swim in blue ether, the moon 
— our moon — is the most ridiculed and abused. It is looked upoii 
as the mere servant of mother Earth — lamp-bearer to her ladyship 
— ' a servant of servants ;' ay, even of servants ; for do not wait- 
ers, in their happy days of courtship, sometimes command it to 
• shine out, and light me to my love V Nature uses such a strong 
whip-hand over the poor menial, that it changes, takes a horn, 
halves and quarters itself, goes to bed, and rises at the slightest of 
her nods, and is expected punctually t. haul in the tides twice in 
every twenty-four hours, till the ocean be boiled away before the 
threat conflagration of the world. 

He ! he ! he ! — who can help laughing to see the moon assum- 
ing to be bigger and brighter than the thousands of stars that glis- 
ten above it 1 Why, my friends, its brightness is nothing but 
biazen-facedness; and its appareit largeness is all owing to ii* 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 21i» 

audacious nearness to this majestic sphere of ours, Ju«t like lit 
lie folks and big fools — they always crowd themseives forward, 
while the greater, wisei and more modest stand a little back, and 
shine with pure loveliness through the atmosphere of amiability 
that surrounds them. Dogs bark contemptuously at the moon , 
and it is supposed that no young lady would ever deign to look 
upon it, had she not been made to believe there was a man in it. 
Some say it is made of green cheese : but I can't imagine tha/ 
anything half so good as this article was ever wasted in its con- 
struction. — Green cheese is a gentleman to it ! It is fuller of er- 
rors than the first proof-sheet of a printer's apprentice. My friend 
Shakspere speaks about ' the very error of the moon;' thereby 
having reference to a particular one out of a million. By its own 
errors, mundane mortals are led astray, making lunatics, moonies, 
moon-calves, and all such cattle, of them. Being a witch of the 
most mischievous kind, it should be hung higher than it is. If 
the farmers plant not exactly at the time to suit its caprices, it 
stunts their crops — sows tares among their wheat — causes their 
potatoes to rot, and their fresh shad to stink : or, if they kill ihoir 
hogs without consulting it as to the season, it takes off the pot-lid, 
and, by some hocus pocus makes the pork shrink in boiling to the 
most insignificant and disgraceful of dimensions. And this is the 
moon, as friend Hudibras says, 

Whose vast command 
Rules all the sea, and half the land ; 
And over moist and crazy brains, 
In high spring-tides at midnight reigns. 

Yes, this is the little lunar satellite that is more gazed upon, raore 
flattered by the poets, and more talked about than the great c^ n 
itself! He! he! he! zala he ! It is a big humbug. 

My friends : the moon being considered of the feminine gend.;"-, 
is the cause of poets lavishing their extravagant praises upon her. 
Were she a man, sycophants were as scarce as green blackberries 
in winter. In their fulsome flattery, they call her the refulgent 
lamp of night — (her head looks more like a pumpkin-shell with a 
candle in it) — that sheds a sacred, religious glow over the clea» 
dzure of heaven — the queen of the silver bow, whose beamy 
locks are combed with gold, and around whose throne the vivid 
planets roll, like idolizers intoxicated in their worshipings. They 
vvjH how the aiaj'. unDumbeied and unnumberabie, gild ha /;;.mi- 



218 sHonr patent sermons. 

ing circle — how she silver-washes all creation below antl around 
— causes a Hood of glory to bui.-t f;on all the skies, an ! break 
u})on some brown old barn, or d lapidate.l 1 eii-h use. while the 
consc'ons swains, rejoicing in the glorious sight, swell like boiled 
apples with love and admiraiion — and hoi 1 fast to their spatter 
dashes. Even the sensible and sull me iMilton couldn't help be- 
stowing a little flattery upon the fat-cheeked damsel. He speaks 
of her nsing in clouded majesty — of Ler at length unveiling with 
peerless light — ol he* throwing ner s Iver mantle over that A'ery 
ancient ni,\rger, Darkn^"s, and making him almost a white man — 
and how she, in her pale dominion, checked the night — made it 
several shades lighter, by a process similar to that of pouring milk 
into a pan of molasses. 

But, my hearers, all that the poets have said or sung, or can 
ever say or sing about the moon, can't make one hair of her bald 
head black — auburn or flaxen, silvery or golden. But I don't De- 
lieve anything grows upon her pate — not even furze. There is 
no doubt but she is as chaste as ice, just as cold, and equally as 
barren. Like many other women that placidly, but frigidly smile 
upon us, she is a perfect mystery. You may ogje her — opera-glass 
her— -telescope her, and, after all, it is impossible to tell what she 
ic m-dde of. That she has an influence on the tides, the weather, 
fresh pork, and 'the rest of mankind,' as Brother Bliss would say, 
is scarcely questionable ; but, as to her wherefore, her how and 
her what, don't you trouble yourselves, my brethren. Stop not to 
gaze nor to philosophize upon her, nor to laugh at nor flatter her 
but push ahead to fulfil your destinies upon earth, if you would 
acccir.p'lsL vour ends smoothly and satisfactorily; for I have 
kr.cwn. many a golden (not galvanized) opportunity to be lost by 
a thoughtless mortal pausing to 'look at the moon.' So iiiOtc it 
be! 



VICTORY UNCERTAIN. 

Text. — The race is not always to the swift. 
Nor the battle to the strong. 

My Hearers : Politics is nothing more, nor less, than a race for 
A purse — a game for the stakes — a battle for the spoils. In poU' 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 217 

ficp, (please wrap it up in a clean rag- of remsmhrancc,) ' Oiii 
cciintry' always means our parly: so, whenever our party wns, 
'our codn IT is safe.' If you don't go for, an 1 with, the patty 
you tu"n your back upon the country, and are considered as pos 
sess'ng no more patriotism than a Cincinnati shoat. You are 
St gmatized as a traitor, a turn-coat, a shirk ; and more gimlel 
holes are bored into your public reputation, by petty ofhce s^'^.kers, 
than little speckled woodpeckers ever inflicted upon the trunk ot 
an apple tree. But be ye independent in all things. Be just, ana 
fear not ; and the voice of the people — which is said to be the 
echo of the voice of God — will eventually be heard resounding to 
your praise. 

My friends: that the political race is not always Avon by the 
swift, you all ought to know, as well as I. Some are very fleet 
of foot, but shoit-'vjnded. They put out with amazing speed, at 
first, but break down in the middle of the heat; thereby lettinj^ 
the old slow crabs crawl in and take the purse, at their leisure. 
Neither is the battle necessarily to the strong. In a political con- 
test, skilful manoeuvring is everything. Then combine such pow' 
erful auxiliaries as loud fifing and drumming — banner-displaying — 
song-singing — rum-drinking — hallooing, shouting and yelling, like 
60 iT.any demons upon a drunken spree — and the day is yours. 
Remember, though, that the poisoned arrows of calumny and de- 
*raction render efllcient service in a warfare of this kind. 

My hearers : I suppose you wish to know who is to be the un- 
happy wight that is to stand up and be pelted with stones and 
brick-bats from every quarter, for the next four years to come ; 
or, in other w^ords, who is to be your next President. So dc '. 
In all probability it \x\\\ be he who gets the most electoral vot'^s, 
unless the election be carried into the House of Reprobates — then 
I dcn't know but the Devil will stand as good a chance as any- 
body. Let me see. There are so many candidates put up for 
sufTrages, sacrifices and sufferings of this great, free and indepen- 
dent people, that they can hardly all obtain a seat in my memory. 
However — upon the banner of one party, methinks I have seen 
inscribed the names of three individuals: 

'Taylor, Filmore, and Victory !' 
Tne third-named gentleman is a rhinoceros, and a rouser ! He 
can't be beaten. Another party goes for 



21^ SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

*Cass, Butler, and Spoils I' 
' Spcils,' bsing a hungry dog, and a determined man, w/11 elect the 
ticket, 35 sure is the sun rises in the west! Another parly, still, 
hoiots to the breeze of popular favor the names of 

'Van Buren, Free Territory, and Revenge!' 
and the people (here and elsewhere) being anxious for 'Revenge,' 
his sucess is most immorally certain. He can't help going in by 
an immense minority, with his two as.-ociates — inasmuch as 'Free 
Territory' is as far greater a man than General Jackson ever was, 
as truth is greater than a young lie, just beginning to crawl. 
There are other candidates in the field, I believe, my friends; but 
they are of minor consideration, at present. Still, there is no tell- 
ing but they may spring up to elephantine importance in the course 
of a single night. 

Now, my friends, upon the jump of the half-sober second 
thought, I don't see how it is possible for any of the aforemen- 
tioned to be elected ; for, according to all accounts, not a single 
mother'.:? son of them is fit for the station to which he aspires ; for 
we — the sovereign and moral people — will never consent to see a 
person sit in the presidential chair, who cannot fill it, to bulging 
out, with capability, dignity, honesty, morality, piety, holiness, 
and honor. No ! — never ! 

What does General Taylor know about managing government 
affairs 1 He can kill a Mexican and whip a ' nigger' in beautiful 
style; and that is pretty much all. When advised by an influen 
tiai whig to come out with his principles, the old General thrust 
his hand into his breeches pocket, fumbled about for a moment — 
ana *hen replied : ' I thought I had a piece of plug, but it seeing 
to be missing !' Now, I ask, how a man can possibly entertain a 
hope of ever being President of the United States who doesn't un 
derstand the difference between principles and a plug of to- 
BAixo 1 ! There is no chance for him, as the doctors say. 

''-eneral Cass, my friends, stands no chance at ail, either. We 
have no idea cf having a man in the White House who would in- 
volve the country in a war with the Sandwich Islands in less than 
twenty-four hours Uter his inauguralicn. He would have the 
will, and he'd find the way to do it. Yes, and ere the dog-davb 
were over, he would send an invading army to march through tli# 
white sands of Coney Island — there to capture ali the unoflend 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS, 21.9 

ing clams, because one of their race once had the audacity to dis- 
agree with (the stomach of) a dicsharged midshipman — there to 
take possession of the bathing houses, and occupy the enemy's 
country till two-thirds of the poor conquered clams cor.sei ted to 
be roasted alive, and one half of their territory for ever an. exed. 
We can have no such a ferocious monster as Cass. 

As to Van Buren, he is crafty, cunning and sly. Actuated as 
he is by motives of revenge, the withering influence of his reign 
would extend from Kinderhook to Kamscatka. Not a single ciib- 
bage could be grown between these two distinguished places du- 
ring the four years of his administration. And, further, he is so 
fond of slavery that he wants it all home — isn't willing that any 
of it should go to Mexico ! He won't do. 

No, brethren — as none that I mention can possibly be elected 
go home, and make up your minds to vote my ticket — which is 
ffiffi Capability, Honesty, and Virtue. 

So mote it be ! 



man UNALTERAB1.E. 



Text. — T am as I am, and so will I be ; 

But how that I am none knoweth truly; 
Be it ill, be it well, be I bond, be I free, 
I am as I am, and so will I be. 

My Hearers : As far as the physical mechanism of mankind i» 
concerned, individuals are the same all the world over. They are 
all constructeu upon the same principle, made of the same mate- 
rial — moistened clay — (except the negroes, who are a mixture of 
mud and molasses) — propelled by the same mysterious magnetic 
power, and subject to the same casualties. There has been no im- 
provement in the manufacture of mortals, since the first human 
frame was put together, set up, lathed ar;d plastered in Paradise : 
no altering here, adding there, nor simplifying anywhere. No 
patent rights have been taken out for 'new and decided improve- 
ments,' and no odd whims entertained for its reconstruction asjre 
entertained by my friends the Fourierites for the re-organization 
oi society. No, my friends, the material, plan and architecture 
of the Soul's house are precisely the same now as when Time 



220 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

was a ch'cken, and so they will contii ue to be as long as Natiire 
shall continue at the hiisine?s of bniMin^. In this house there i» 
ju««t so much timber as, and no more than, of yore, and pal togeih- 
er ex ctly in the same way. It has just so many rooms, all tin- 
ished and furnshed in ihe same old-fashioned style; for be it 
kLown, fickle brethren, that Nature never changes her fashions. 
It has two windows, two doors, and a ventillator over one of 
these latter to let in and out the air, whenever it may happen to 
be closed. But it were emaciating time for me to enter upon a 
minute description of it: you are all acquainted with its construc- 
tion, and know very well how a:^mirably arranged it is, and that 
you coiildn't suggest an improvement upon it if you were to sit 
down and pull your whiskers from Christmas to the grand blow- 
up. 

My brethren : although you match one another, bone for bone 
and sinew for sinew, yet you are not morally constituted alike. 
There is as much difference in your disposition, tempers, inclina- 
tions, ambitions, and natural bonds, as there is in the markings 
of that curious gramineous production called striped grass. Some 
of 3-ou are as gentle as sucking goslings ; others are as fractious 
as wild bulls. Some are playful and harmless as kittens ; others 
are cross and ferocious. Some are inclined to honesty, while oth- 
ers, if perchance they found themselves in the path of integrity, 
would climb rocks and leap hedges to get out of it, even though 
they left the tails of their coats behind them. Some are open, 
kind-hearted and benevolent ; others are close, cold-gizzarded, and 
mean enough to crack nuts for a paralyzed cripple and feed him 
with the shells. Yet you are as you are, and so will you be. I 
can administer no moral alterative that will work any radical 
change in your natures. I can't take the temper and disposition 
out of ou'j man and put it into another ; and I defy any niurtal 
upon the footstool of Jehovah to do it. No, the individual him- 
self cannot hammer out or tinker up a new disposition to take the 
place of his old one. ' Can the leopard change his spots, or the 
Ethiopian his skin V Not a bit of it — those spots are fast, and 
unchangeable ; and, as lor the African, why, as it is written in the 
book of Thusekiah, nigger will be nigger, let him be born awhile 
men. Therefore, lamented brethren, I don't blame you for not bc- 
inej what you can't be ] and no one supposes for a moment, I trust 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 221 

that I intend to censure the Almighty hand that maci* you as you 
are. 

My friends : we will suppose that here sit? Dobson (iiot you, 
Brother Williams,) and there sits Hobson. Dobson's nature is 
filled to the brim with aquafortis, red pepper, e:inger, mustard, gall, 
wormwood, vinegar, and so forth ; Hobson's holds nothing more 
nor less than a couple of gallons of milk and honey. Now who, 
by any hocus-pocus, can cause Dobson to be Hobson, or Hobson 
Dobson? The thing is impossible — utterly absurd, brethren; 
therefore, if my preaching fails to change the dispositions — and, 
of course, the deeds — of individuals, you must be as lenient as 
possible, and let common sense dictate as to the amount of pun- 
ishment I ought, in justice, to suffer. Had some the power, they 
would have all folks alike: meek, mild, superlatively honest, and 
most particularly pious. Pooh ! I wouldn't give a tin sixpence 
for a world made up of such a dull, plodding mass, with nothing 
to break its monotony — nothing to relieve its weariness. It is 
VARIETY that gives life, animation and interest to both the moral 
and material world; and he that would have all men of one mind, 
one disposition, one creed, and one way of acting, must belong to 
the jackassical school of philosophers. 'Why heaven has made 
us as we are V is easily answered : It is all for the best. Re- 
specting myself, 

' I am as I am, and so will I be ; 
Bui how that I am none knoweth truly; 
Be it ill, be it well, be I bond, be I free, 
I am as I am, and so will I be.' 
Let this be the motto of you all. Hold in as much as you can, 
:f you are naturally impetuous — strive to improve where there is 
room for it; but pay no attention to those fools who would per- 
tmade you that you can change your own natures a> easily as you 
can put on a clean shirt. So mote it be ! 



^ THE BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY. 

Text. — Loveliest day, divinely blest, 
Emblem of eternal rest ! 



My Hearers : I have been requested to give my views of the 
Sabbath, or, to speak more correctly, oi the Chrif?uan Sunday. I 



222 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

soMom meddle with such mdt ers; but, if you will hear and for- 
give me for this once, I will promise, like a good bo\% nevrr lo 
Climb over the fence ?ga'n. Well, then, in the first place, there is 
something so sweetly soothing in the very conlcmplation of a Sun- 
da} — that sacred day of rest and relaxation — that, for my part, I 
would not have it bloiteJ from the cairn Jar for all the gold that 
my almost unfathomable breeches pockets could contain. No' 
Do away with your New Year's, your Fourth of July, your 
Chn'stmases, your Thanksgvings, ay. even April Fools" and St. 
Patr'<'k's Days, but dont disturb the beaut ful Sun lay. Let that 
remain untouche 1. It is a lovely garJen plante 1 among the rocks, 
the thorns, the thickets and the wee;ls of a wicked world. While 
travelling in the old cider-mill circle of t'me, we come round to it 
ev^eiy once in seven days: and what a famous re-sting-place it is! 
Here, beneath its quiet bowers, the weary and the toil-worn truly 
hnJ a calm repose: here bloom amaranthine flowers, shed ling a 
pious odor abroad; and, somehow or other, whenever a bland 
Suiiday breeze brushes the dew from my brow, I always imagine 
my-elf fanned by the wings of angels. Oh ! what peace and 
fre. dom are enjoyed upon this blessed day ! The ox is at rest — • 
the T.vdn servant and the maid servant — the mule, the fool and the 
ass. It is a day of holy independence, upon which the bond are 
set ("lee, to unburthen their care-loaded minds, and none to say 
unto them. Do ye this, or do ye that ; — only do nothing uproarious 
to -»rofane the sanctity of the day, n^r to prevent 3'our neighbor 
from peacefully enjoying it after the dictates of his own conscience. 
My friends: perhaps you are in doubt as to whether Sunday is 
jf a divine or human origin. Let me tell you, it is a civil insti- 
tut.on, established by man, since the time of Christ — but an ex'^ 
cell<»nt one, nevertheless. While the Son of God was upon earth 
there was no Sunday, except the Jewish Sabbath (Satuiday), to 
which he was teetotally opposed : and you may sea.ch the New 
Testament, from Matthew to the Revelations, as closely as a mon- 
key ever searched the head of his brother, and you can't find -a 
solitary instance where he recommends one particular day to be 
observed above another. On the contrary, he and his disciples 
trespassed on the only Sunday then known, by plucking ears from 
a cornfield ; and, when accused of the violation, virtually ah- 
Bweredj Pooh ! and passed along. And his apostle St. Paui 



SHOR-T PATENT SERMC NS. 225 

•peaking of the observance of the Sabbath, remarks, that with 
some all days are alike ; and concludes by saying, Let every one 
BE SATISFIED IN HIS OWN MIND; i. 6., if you wish to keep one 
day out of seven, keep it — servant or master — but don't compel 
any one to observe it according to particular rules. This same 
apostle's remarks concerning days for fasting are precisely of the 
same tenor. Now, as soon as I have disposed of that fly, whicn 
seems to have taken a decided fancy to my proboscis, I will pro- 
ceed. 

My hearers : what strange, bigoted, hypocritical notions some 
folks seem to entertain regarding Sunday. If they caught a man 
pulling a weed from his garden, they would, had they the power, 
consign him to the devil, or send the devil after him, in the shape 
of a constable; and yet these same hyper-pious individuals tres- 
pass upon every Sunday in the year, shielded by what they term 
NECESSARY LABOR. Now this is a Very vague term. What is 
meant by ' necessary labor V My aunt Charity — who was as 
good a christian as ever bit bread at a sacrament — used to make a 
cheese and go to church regularly every Sunday. She didn't con- 
sider the cheese-making at all wicked ; for the world insists upon 
its being ' necessary labor.' It was necessary only so far as this, 
that by making a cheese every day in the week, for three months, 
and selling at seven cents per pound, it would mete her, say, one 
hundred and ten dollars; but by skipping the first day of the 
week, it would bring her in about fifteen dollars less at the end 
of the three months — though butter could have been made of the 
milk at any time of the week, and the loss would have been but 
little, or nothing at all. So, good, innocent creature, she really 
supposed that the Lord took the dollars and cents into considera- 
tion, and that the recording angel entered no charge against her 
for making cheese on a Sunday. The boy that blows the organ, 
my friends, at a fashionable church, suddenly stopped turning, a 
few Sundays since, in the middle of a hymn. Wiping the perspira- 
tion from his brow, with a blue cotton handkerchief, he gently 
whispered to the organist, ' I say, I wish you would ask the n>> 
tor if he doesn't think that I have a soul, and some sweat, to be 
saved, as well as the rest ]' ' Oh, keep on blowing,' was the re- 
ply ; yours is a work of necessity — you will get to heaven as 
»oon as any of us.' Now, brethren, how is it possible that the 



224 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

boy's work was one of necessity, when it is nv)t necessary for a 
church to have an ore:an in it at all ? That, or some other work, 
might be necessary for the boy, though, to enable him to keep 
body and soul together. 

My friends : Sunday, as a civil institution, made sacred by cus- 
tom, snould be observed by all as a day of rest for man and beast. 
Let none require of another to toil upon this da)-, and none hin- 
der another from doing quietly and respectably whatever he 
pleases. For your own bodies and souls' sakes, turn your 
thoughts upwards from the things of eaith, and let them repose in 
the regions of everlasting happiness and love: but, as far as lam 
concerned, it is none of my business whether you go to church, 
or go to grass. So mote it be ! 



time's glory. 

Text. — Time's glory is to calm contending kings, 

To unmask falsehood, and bring truth to light, &c. 

J\Iy Hearers : Time, ever vigorous and all powerful, is not to be 
thought lightly of, or treated with ridicule, scorn or contempt. 
Vou may off with your coats, roll up your sleeves, and think tc 
defy him to the last, but he is sure to get the best of the fight in 
the end, like a gallon of whiskey. Pluck every feather from his 
pinions, and they are immediately plumed anew, for the continu- 
ance of his undetainable flight. He grabs you by the hair, and 
drags you after him, nolens volens — whether or no — to the tune 
of ' come along with me, and you'll see what you shall see.* 
There is no use of pulling back, kicking and making wry faces 
about the matter, for go you must. So take it easy — make a vir- 
tue of necessity, and jog along with a grinning smile ; but be 
careful to have one hand tight hold of the old man's forelock, so 
It may appear to the world that he is the prisoner, and not you. 

My friends : what is Time's glory ? It is not only to pour oii 
upon the troubled waters of royalty, and to administer anodynes 
to restless and contending kings, but to knock into vulgar fractions 
the crowns of those who sit upon the skirts of Liberty, and with- 
nold from a long-suifering people certain rights and privileges 
••hich the Great No-respe:tcr of persons never granted to poten- 



SHORT PATENT SKRMOXR, 225 

tatep a!orie, bin- to all manhnd. Time gloried when he set Ame 
ricjj free from the grasp of fortign tyiaiiny— he i.-« r-ow tick'el as 
p. (log \vi;h two t;i Is for \\hv.{ lie h.-^s (U n-- for Fraiire ;in:l I niv* 
and, when he tlriiks of whai he ;s go ng to do, l>v an I hv. f .i 
poor distiesse.J Irelan 1. his wings fa rly fiutler with delight; bai 
i advise him not to crow at ihe meie day-Lreak of freedom, I n1 
wat till the sun is far enough above the horizon to shii.e upon 
the lowliest hovel in the vale of poverty. 

It is Time's glory to tear off the mask from the face of f.ijse- 
hood ; to exhibit its disgusting features to the world, a^nd make it 
Eo ashamed as to wish itself a turtle, that it m-ght 'hide its di- 
R^inished' head in its shell, and 'blush unseen:' to bring truth 
from out the dark dungeon of error, that all may gaze upon its 
fair and beautiful proj)0!t'ons, and become enraptureil therewith — 
but not to vanish: to dig up sparkling gems of virtue from the 
common coalbeds of vice; and 1o garland the brow?i of young in- 
nocence and matured goodness with such perpetual flowers of joy 
and peace as the frost of calumny will have no more eflect ujion 
than a shower of bird-shot against the hiie of a rhinoceros. And 
it is the glory of Time, too, to bring budding greatness to beauti- 
ful bloom; to assist the aspiring youth up the steep hill of fame; 
to give a golden ripeness to the green apples f ^..romise ; to patch 
up our old breeches of care ; to apply a healing salve to every 
sorrowful wound; to blot out, or blur over, the record of former 
woes, follies and transgressions, written in the book of memory; 
and to keep the lamp of ho}>e well filled whh the best of winter- 
strained oil — such as won't thicken and give out during the cold- 
est nights of despair. 

My dear friends : Time has to do all sorts of drudgery — from 
the draining of swamps and leveling of mountains, to the build- 
ing of meeting-houses and tombs, and the settling of new coun- 
tries ; but what are the functions of his office, in general 1 Why, 
they are, to make the child a youth, the youth a young man, (or 
woman,) the young person an individual bowed down with age, 
the mortal weary with age, a lifeless lump of clay at last : to 
cause horns to protrude from the heads of calves and young rams 
— and whiskers, and muslachios, and imperials, to sprout and 
flourish upon the pretty faces of dandies; to deveJope, and then 
suddenly obliterate, the physical charms of the tender sex; tc 
15 



E26 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

wither the roses of beauty, pour a solution of potash upon its 
green leaves, and destroy forever all that gladdened the eye, teased 
the passions, tickled the nose, and tempted the lip : to give strc-ii;;lb 
to the weak, and make the powerful powerless: to cause desert 
wilds to bloom as gardens, and gardens to become desolate wlls ; 
to plough and to sow, to culture and mow; to dig rusly relics 
from the ruins of the past, and to give them a new polish for the 
present : to mould and re-mould the human race ; to re-model so- 
ciety ; turn everything topsy turvy, and see how much that shall 
be considered new and fashionable can be manufactured out of 
old material. 

My hearers : in conclusion, let me tell you what Shakspere said, 
or might have said, concerning Time : He wrongs the wronger 
till he knocks under and renders right. He knocks out the under- 
pinning of proud buildings, and smears with dust, ashes and lamp- 
black their glittering golden towers. He whets his tusk against 
the rock of ages, and goes forth to battle like one who had bet 
hia last shirt upon the victory. He bores more worm holes in 
stately monuments than a woodpecker ever inflicted upon an or- 
chard. He feeds the rapacious jaws of oblivion with the rotten 
wood and decay of all things. He alters the contents of old 
books, and makes them tell altogether a different story from of 
yore. He plucks the quills from the wings of superannuated 
•Id geese, and pulls out the tail feathers from proud and vain am- 
bition. He dries up the sap in digniiied and stately oaks, and 
takes a vast deal of trouble in preparing an insipid lacteal juice 
for the milkweed, the cocoanut and mushroom. He robs antiqui- 
ties of all their glory and boast, and so besmears the pages of an- 
cient history that it is hard work to tell where the truth lies, and 
and when it tells the truth. He makes the man a child, and the 
child a man, as if for mere amusement. He slays the innocent 
lamb, and feeds the ferocious tiger with the best that the table of 
Nature affords. He tames the serpent to sting its benefacors, and 
drives dogs mad to get up an excitement in dull cities. But I 
shall not preach against Time; had 1 the disposition, I should not 
have the time to spare. Towards all who treat him well, and wiih 
due respect, he will extend unbounded favors; but if you mock 
him, 'cfy his power, go to WTeslle with him, undertake to trip him 
up, or behave ungentlemanly to him in any way, look out what '. 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 227 

f 



tell you, ye rash and inconsr" 'erate hildrt-n of iniquity ! you 
will go down to your graves t;0(--hc o.rtg like a kidvci hooby. 
beaten, bruised, battered, soul- shattered, body-lattered, hardly hang- 
ing together, looking as ihough you had made your escape froni a 
regiment of wild cats, with just enough ideniity lelt for self ic 
Bwear to. Be careful, brethien, how you take hberlies wah T.m.% 
for he is one of the old sort, and won't be fooled wiih. So mole 
it be! 



PLEASANT SIGHTS. 



Text. — How pleasant 'tis to see 

Kindred and fi lends agree. 

My Hearers : The text I have selected for my present discourse 
appears to be susceptible of dividing into two }>arts ; and there- 
fore I shall split it. The first fragment, ' How pleasant 'tis to 
see !' is made of the real mahogany of truth — as brother Bill says, 
there is no basswood about it. It is, indeed, pleasant to see; to 
have the privilege of beholding and enjoying the beauties of the 
outer world : to gaze upon the moving panorama exhibited in 
cities, villages, hamlets, and even in country cow and sheep pas- 
tures : to admire the grand and magnificent picture pahiled by the 
Great Unknown upon the broad canvas of nature : to behold how 
admirably the world we rent is got up, and without regard to ex- 
pense — with two poles, two tropics, one ef[uator, and an imagi- 
nary line, called Mason & Dixon's — several latitudes, numerous 
longitudes, and a well-bound horizon. Isn't it pleasant to see hew 
the earth, in summer's gay prime, is clad with a vesture of green, 
and variegated with flowers of every color and hue T how the 
brooks, like little glassy snakelets, wriggle down from the moun- 
tains, as if anxious to be swallowed by the great silver serpent 
that winds through the valleys below ? how the cascades and 
cataracts leap from rock to precipice, exulting in their dare-devil 
feats 1 how the lakes lie like so many looking-gla-^ses environed 
with evergreens, before which Nature spreads her toiiet, puts on 
bcr bustle, and punctiliously performs every little office pertaining 
to the adjustment of her drapery ? how old Ocean snoozes and 
sncrw upon his mig^^v b«d, with his head piilowedupoa heaven 



£28 SHCRT PATENT SERMONS. 

and the everlasting hills for a foot-board '? Yes, yes, my fnends, 
it is anything but unpleasant to see ; to ki ow and appreciate the 
loveliness of the Creator's works with that mo^t valuable of all 
organs, ^especially to a cat,) the eye. Oh ! that 1 had as many 
eyes as a spider ! — a fly ! — as Argus of old ! — one for every stai 
in heaven ! Then would I look all ways at once, and get my fill 
cf the beautiful sights that grace the world — including handsome 
women, of cour.<e. A man must see in order to be happy, or 
even half sati.-fied. He goes to a concert to hear good music, 
but if he can't see the singers, he finds no enjoyment, and leaves 
the house grumbling. It was a capital idea putting attic windows, 
or skylights, into the human house. Without them, how dark 
and gloomy were the soul's apartments ! Hope couldn't live there 
rent free — not even if candles were a psnny a pound. With 
them, and when their shutters are apart, all within is bright and 
cheerful. The light of heaven shines through them like the sun's 
rays through the panes of a hot-house, ani the flowers of joy, 
love and fancy spring up and blossom from the warm beds of the 
heart. How i pity the few poor beings upon earth who were 
born with eyes neither for ornament nor for use — blind as beetles ! 
They came literally into a world of darkness, and have to poke 
their way through it as they best know how. They feel the warm 
sun shining upon their faces, but they have no idea what a splen- 
did concern it is — how it spatters its glittering particles of light in 
every direction, as it rises from the ocean, like a dog shaking hini- 
eelf when he comes out of a mill-pond — nor what a gorgeous 
niecht-cap it sometimes puts on as it goes to bed. They hear us 
tell of the fair round moon that plays hide and seek with the stars 
fimong the fleecy clouds, and of fiery-tailed comets that come upon 
boding errands ; but they can form no more proper conception of 
iheir appearance than I can of the day of wrath and red pepper. 
They smell the flowers, but they don't know how pretty they 
Dok ; and it's all the same to them whether they kiss a clean 
white baby or an unwashed papoose. Poor .miserable mortals! 
You may know they are melancholy by the looks of their faces. 
If they attempt to sing, the mournful noise they make sounds like 
a night-wind lost in a cedar swamp, and complaining of the belly- 
ache. They dine, sup and breakfast upon bitter reflections, and 
^ (irink from the goblet of sorrow till the grave cl •)ses over them, 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 229 

find iheir eyes are opened by the glorious resii rect'on sun. Oji ! 
it is, indeed, a blessing to see ! Jind Heaven grant that we m-iy all 
keep our visual organs clear and bright, even into the dull evening 
of age. I wouldn't lose my eyes on no account — I want them to 
sleep with, if for nothing else. 

My worthy hearers: it is pleasnnt to see kindred an J friends 
agiee, like a fiock of sheep all feeding in the same pasiure; never 
quarrelling about a green blade of grass, nor rt;om at the sait-^ 
trough. You are all related to one another. The women are all 
sisters and the men brothers. You are all members of one familv 
— belong to the same household — children of the tame God. You 
ought to treat one another accordingly, and not act, as you of;en 
do, like a lot of hogs at swill time. To present a pretty moral 
picture, you should be bound together by the green wreaths of 
friendship ; and in those wreaths should be entwined the unfading 
flowers of love. To make good moral music, harmony must ex- 
ist among you. You m.ust agree in all things. Let not the false 
notes of selfishness mar the melody of mutual good feeling; and 
be carei'ul not to pitch your tunes of charity and benevolence so 
high as to break down in the middle of them. The movements 
of society, to be agreeable and pleasing, should be measured and 
Bet to nuuibers, else all were as harsh and un])leasant as the creak- 
ings of a door upon rusty hinges. My friend Pope says, that all 
discord is harmony not understood 1 agree with him — and, fur- 
ther, I don't think it ever will be understood. At present, Heaven 
knows there is sufficient discord among us, poor wandering min- 
strels of earth, to make angels put their fingers in their ears ; but 
let us indulge in the hope that the time will eventually come when 
wars, jarrings and enmities shall cease — when the whole world 
shall discourse sweet social music, and every heart be tuned to 
Eing of the joys of 'love, friendship and truth.' So mote it be ! 



CUPID AN OLD COCK. 



Text. — Millions of years this old drivel Cupid lives, 

While still more wretch, more wicked he doth prove. 

My Hk.\rers : There are only two terrestrial beings that live mil 
jioift of years w:tho''t growing gray or exhibiting any of thu 



2.'?0 SHORT PATENT SERMCNS. 

fip-Ui'Prs of Time upon iheir for; heads : these are that cunning 
K.inu' Cupi I. and that arch rascal the Devil. A pivt'y ])air to 
kf'pp '.oniuui}- toti^ether, wliile aiz;e after age rolls away! — (.w It 
bis; eiu)U'i;li to wear No. 10 cowhide boois, and black as an old 
chimr.ey tinned wrong side out; while the olher is so small that 
he is allowed to run barefoot, and chase grasshoppers, whenever 
a moment can be found that he is not up to his middle in mischief. 
ar.d as white, clear and delicate in complexion as the skinned hind 
leg of a frog. I can't see, for my part, why it is that these two 
old coves, with such a monstrous disparity in size and color, 
should enjoy an immunity from death, and go about having their 
fun and work together, for ever in the full vigor of life, while the 
very hills themselves are growing old and bald. It is a wonder to 
me, my brethren, that they should be thus divinely favored, while 
you and I — who are nearly as smart as the)^ tar more honest, and 
a great deal better-looking — aie whipt out of the world almost as 
soon as we have tasted of, and ere we have half digested, the joys 
and pleasures of an eartkly existence. I don't understand it, but 
1 am sure there is no impartiality intended in the case. 

iMy friends: both Cupid and Satan, or the dragon, are furnished 
wiih wings, that they may flee away and escape punishment for 
their naughty and wicked deeds. Satan goes stealthily about, 
peeking whom he may catch and carry home to devour; but Cupid 
only delights in annoying, torturing and making a little mischief, 
for the fun of the thing — without once thinking of committing 
murder; although he is often the cause of it, as well as of sui- 
cides, robberies, thefts, and various other crimes that have conti- 
nued to stain and bedaub this fair world of ours ever since the 
little renegad? tickled Adam and Eve under the ribs in Paradise. 
Satan, to entice and secure his prey, carries a bag of gold in one 
hand and a pitchfork in the other. Cupid uses coaxing wreaths 
of roses, a silver bow% and a quiver full of a^Tows, all feathered 
with friendship, and the points of each dipped in the bewitching 
poison of \owe. 

My breihren : I will let Satan go to the D— 1, for the present, 
lind attend to Cupid alone. Since this little chap has lived for 
some six thousand years and upv.-ards, and not even yet exhibits 
any signs of a beard upon his chin, but whose whole phiz is as 
smooth as a china su^ar-bowl, he must be considered a bov — one 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 231 

Of tTie boys. Yes, my frien Js, he is the very 'old hov h'mself : 
fur he plays the old boy w th men aiii women ;ii] over the v/orid 
— more eifecctualiy amoiij? young peop e ; and yet he hasbt-e/ 
known to produce considernble ol a puncture in the harder and 
let^s sensitive hearts of those who are sixty, seventy, and even 
eighty years of age ; but he has ever found it a tough job — even 
though he strained his bow to the head of the arrow — to cause a 
wound that would not heal itself about as soon as a lame dog 
could trot a mile and back — if the weather were cool enough to 
keep meat from spoiling in a day, and they didn't take too much 
mustard and red pepper at their dinner. Such condiments will 
never do for those whose tenders have been pricked by the keen- 
pointed arrows of Cupid. 

My dear friends : what a fuss, flutter, rumpus and stir does the 
little 'old boy' kick up among young folks generally! Twang! 
goes the string to his bow. '0, dear !' faintly sighs as lovely a 
creature of seventeen as ever shamed a tulip or a hoilihock — '0, 
me! what was that! I experience sensations like what I did 
when I was sea-sick down to the Fishing Banks last summer, 
only I do not feel as if I wanted to throw up now. 0, John ! 
where be you to-night V Anoiher victim becomes moody and 
melancholy — refuses to eat — pines away, and finally jumps oli 
the dock into the river, food for eels and other mud fish. Another 
is in ecstacies, as though she had been taking laughing gas — 
thinks it a most indescribably delightful and funny feeling, and in 
the wildness of her joy exclaims : 

Oh ! if there's 
A heaven on earth, it is this ! it is this ! 

It is just about the same with the male sex, only they make 
greater fools of themselves, if possible, under the circumstances, 
than the feminines. I once received a shot in my younger days, 
and 1 acted and felt, for six months at least, as though I had been 
turned inside out, and some invisible angel kept tickling me with 
a spear of broom-corn. He sometimes lets fly at my old gizzard 
even now ; but as for his making any impression upon it, he 
might as well blow putty balls at a side of sole leather. It is 
lougher than bull beef; but still it softens at the cries of dis- 
tress, the wants of charity, and the calls of benevolence. 
My hearers • Cupid is omnipresent ; he is everywhere at once. 



£32 SHORT PATENT SERMOXS. 

He ig in the -court, the camp, ilie trrove,' the church, the th**tjtr-^ 
the lowly hut, and the stately mansion, nt the ?ame time. He la 
busy p'ayiiifj; hi'- pranks among: all nations, from the nio.st (ie^-3'itd 
Hotten"ot to the most enlgltenel of the earh. He sjiarsa r.e'ihei 
* age, S3X nor condition.' anl never wfl. When all that inhabit 
this sublunaTy globe shall have gone to their everlasting rest, iha 
same old boy Cupid will still he as young as ever — just as full of 
his deviltry— and find as much to make game of, as at any liine 
since me world began. So mote it be ! 



VEXATIONS. 

Text. — Wexatious is the lot of all, 

However 'gainst our will — 
We've got to run the common chance, 
While goin' through the mill. 

My Hearers: As the author of my text would doubtless say, thi> 
is a werry wexing world. It is so, on account of its deceptions 
disappointments, petty plagues, trifling an.ioyances, and little cares 
that keep one as constantly uneasy as a dog overrun with fleas 
It is all nonsense, however, to yield to their puny molestations: 
Carry a stiff upper lip, a stout heart, a brave and determinevl nrnd, 
and walk with dignity through life, as though nomusquitoes were 
buzzing about you, and no weeds nor thorns concealed among the 
flowers that grace the little garden of human existence. But every 
one seems to lhir:k that he is burdened with more than his share 
of sublunary trouble: he scratches a pimple till it become a sore 
— is frightened at his own shadow, in the pale moonl'ght of mel- 
ancholy imagination — starts at the rustling of a leaf — and is de- 
terred from moving onward by the apparitions of ill that stalk in 
ihe dull twilight of the future. Pooh! as well might a young 
and thriving grove become stunted through fear of premature age, 
because it contains a few white hares ! 

Nevertheless, my dear friends : there he many real ve.vat'ons 
that man must encounter between his casting off of clouts and 
putting on his everlasting night-shirt. Think how many time? 
does a mortal, who lives out his three-score years and ten, stub 
uis toes beiwixt his cradle and his couch ! How many Xlmef- doe# 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 233 

he actually s^ip down, anJ rise again like Truth, without the am 
of yeast ! How many times does he bump h'r^ nose against «ome 
unfoiseen obstacle, that seems to have been put purpcseiy in hia 
path ! How r.ften does he attempt to cro>s some giass-maiieJ 
marsh, and finds, too late, that he has put his fool in it! How 
many respectahlr. knocks "xnd bruises is he honored with in jost- 
ling his WriV through the world ! — and how much usek&s sweat 
oo/es from his fevered brow, while he undertakes wonders auil 
accomplishes nothing ! 

My hearers : unfaithful umbrellas, like fickle wives, are great 
vexations; they don't pay for the trouble of looking after them. 
If, however, you intend to possess either, I advise you to pick out 
the worst-looking one you can find : for then there is little danger 
of their ever being run away with. Corns, too, are great tor- 
ments, and tight boots their aggravators. What can more annoy 
a poor pilgrim than those pedal pests, irritated to anger by the stin- 
giness of Fashion! Oh! they bore gimlet holes through one's 
very soul — shoot cambric needles into a man's heart — drive Peac« 
from her warm nest, while Patience puts on her bonnet and goes 
off holding her breath for spite ! Then, when you have youi 
corns trod ien upon — as you must expect they will be, many a linrt* 
and oft, ore you go to your graves — oh! then don't you squirm 
like a half-skinned eel ! — dance about like a pea upon a hot sho 
vel ! and cramp up and grin like a baboon with a high-j)ressiird 
belly-ache! Yes, dear brethren, you needn't think of getting 
through this crowding and crowded world without having your 
corns trodden upon more than once: so you must make up your 
minds to stand each rub with the fortitude of a philosopher chis- 
elled out of marble, and continue to hope for better luck to come. 
Hide your griefs beneath your breakfast — cover your torrows with 
wreaths of rosy smiles — keep your ills concealed in some dark 
corner of the heart — wliistle like a plough-boy going home to 
dinner — and you will escape a thousand paltry vexations, that 
would olherv.-ise be down upon you like a regiment of crows upon 
d yellow dog. 

Yet, my hearers, this is a world of vexations, and we must run 
Oie common chance while going through the mill, and make as 
jittle fuss as possible. These are the principal things that vex 
mortal man during his short mundane e.vistence : To put a cleau 

a 



234 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

shirt on, in a hurry, and find that every button has turned traitor 
and gone over to the washerwoman : to purcliase a new hat, and 
rive minutes afterwaid, have the wind wantonly take it from your 
head and 'wet if for you in a mud-hole; to court a girl for a 
hvelvemonth, and then to have pa and ma suddenly put a stopper 
upon all fuither proceedings; to have a sneeze flash in the pan, 
just as you expected it to explode; to lind what your heart most 
desires exactly two inches out of the reach of your paws; to teai 
your trowsers for the public good, and be obliged to look to Hea- 
ven for reward; to have an untimely frost fall upon your fairest 
blossoms of hone^ and especially to gain the high summit of 
wealth, and find there less true happiness than surrounds the pea- 
sant's cot in the humble vale below. 

My deal friends: in this vexing sphere, almost everything vexes 
at times Husbands vex, wives vex, lovers vex, children vex, 
debtors vex, creditors vex, neighbors vex, and circumstances vex. 
The apparently smooth-running thread of life contains many a 
vexing knot, and it will sometimes tangle, in spite of all we can 
do. The silvery stream of life hath its ripples, its breakers, its 
cascades, and its cataracts. The landscape of life is diversified 
with hills, mountains, plains, valleys, flower-gardens, barren 
wastes, swamps, marshes, and thorny thickets. But you must 
spiralizf^ along the best, way you can. Do as I and the hedgehogs 
^Q — kefp a steady crawling; and when attacked by the dogs of 
ill and ad 'ersitv, roll yourselves into a ball, erect your quills, keep 
qdiet, and let the contemptible curs bark till they get sick of their 
(oily So mote it be ! 



ACTION — MOTION. 



Text.— -AH is action — all is motion, 

In this m.ighty world of ours ; 
Like the current of the ocean. 
All is urged by urseen powers. 

My Hearers : When we stand on tiptoe, and take a peep over 
thp. wall of the world, survey the suburbs of this mundane sphere, 
'^ur minds are filled to the brim with wonder, admiration and as- 
tonishment al the ever-busy scenes there presented. Tneie wf 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 235 

behold the golden cars of the planets, propelled hy r^agnelism, 
wheeling their unwearied courses round their respective suns, in 
(♦he same old cider-mill track that Joshua found them when he, 
(old the god of day to sit down and rest himself — silvery satellites 
acting as servants to the planets, ever upon the keen jump, and 
faces as bright as new britannia — and here and there a blood-red 
comet, with his flaming hair and fiery tail, cutting up his frightful 
antics in the celestial world, bound for nowhere in particular, but 
poking his nose into every nook and corner of creation, like a 
meddling vagabond without friends, home or employment. All 
comets might, with justice, be arrested as vagrants, but not aa 
idlers, for they are ever upon the move, like seagulls in a north- 
easter. Oh ! it is wonderful to see how the hosts above have kept 
continually dancing and waltzing in the high hall of Heaven ever 
since it was built, without once changing partners, stopping to 
rest, or even to partake of a particle of refreshment ! And see 
how bright they look, too ! as fresh and shining as though they 
had just opened the ball ! So they will continue to dance, for 
ages and ages to come, till the spheres cease their music. Time 
puts out the lights, and bids them sleep through all eternity, to get 
thoroughly rested. All is motion up above — continued, unceasing 
\)erpetual motion. 

My friends: all things down here, too, are as active as flies in 
the sunshine. The earth whirls like a water-wheel — it goes like 
lightning. It has always gone with the same speed ever since it 
was first started, and it doesn't squeak for the want of grease yet. 
How lucky it is for us poor, tender and brittle sinners, that there 
is no beam or bridge to hit our heads against while being carried 
-ound at the interesting rate of a thousand miles an hour! Thank 
Providence that our heads are clear on that score. Mark the little 
brooks, how they leap, jump and run to the arms of their mater- 
nal r;vers, and are gently borne upon their bosoms to the vast 
ocean— but not there to rest. No ; they must lend their feeble 
assi.'-tance in manufacturing waves, piling up billows, fashioning 
tides, and getting up an occassional water-spout. There is no 
quietness in the ocean — no more than \here is in the living sea 
before me when the hat is passed round. 

Now look, my friends, at the land again. All there is as busy 
as a lot ^f young turkeys after grasshoppers : all is action— all i^ 



236 SHORT PATENT SERMCNS. 

motion. Beasts, birds, bugs, butterflies, insects, and even ii'.en 
and women are f.lways upon the stir — and for what'/ Wliv, to 
get a hving, and to give the world a live'}' a])})earance. Even the 
creature called the sloth winks and breathes to assist in gving 
animation to the picture — knowing that, although his contribution 
be small, still every little helps, as the old woman said when lui 
grand-baby cried out at a prayer meeting. 

Climb with me, brethren, into the top of one of the highest 
trees of imagination. Sujipose we are there now, all comfortably 
seated, and looking down upon the vast moving multitude of a 
great city. What do we see 1 A most magiiiricent living pano- 
roma ; a m'ghty throng hurrying to the north, to the south, to the 
east, and to the west; passing and repassing; mingling, separat- 
ing; fashionable ladies and gentlemen promenading with majestic 
step and slow — businessmen darting ahead as though driver by a 
pocket steam boiler — idlers and loafers mixed in and shook about, 
like chips in a whirlpool — children rolling hoops, whipping lops, 
shooting marbles, and pitching pennies: but the great mass, after 
all, are in search of the almighly dollar, and striving to push their 
way to wealth, distinction and fame. They are urged onward by 
an unseen power, but easily understood. It is the money-motive 
power that pr^^pels them, and which never ceases to operate, till 
the physical machinery is worn out, or broken down, by time. 

Now, brethren, since nature has intended everything that boasts 
oi life to be always active — forever in n.otion — don't an individ- 
ual of you doggedly oppose her laws by shutting yourself up to 
mould and mildew in the damp, dark dungeon of melancholy, 
where the lamp of hope can but burn dimly at the best, or sput« 
ler like a tallow candle with a watery wick. Keep stirring — am- 
bitiously head up stream like shad in the spring. Don't be a log 
and float down the river of fortune into the dead sea of oblivion 
Your heart is alive and alwa3's at work. It produces emotions 
and desires : these are magnetically carried to the brain, and 
wrought into ideas ; thence they are transmitted to the hands, to 
he carried into execution. You ought to be ashamed to behold 
yourself in a mirror if you obstinately refuse to be dilligent while 
Nature so gratuitously exerts herself in your behalf. 

iMy hearers : I believe that man is naturally the most lazy of 
all create ' flesh. His whole end and aim appear to be to contrive 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 237 

eome means by which he can live without work; without once 
re.Herting that happiness and contentment are the natural con* 
co'n lants ol" in(hjsliy and active pursuit. Thde are two oclavc 
vnl'"nesof truth contained in the sacred j)recept, ' Workout you) 
own salvation, for the spirit works within you,' without ever 
rc'^t :\g Irutn its hihors. It never gets slothful and tired, no more 
than the pulse grows weary with beating, the eyelids with wink- 
ing, or the lungs with breathing. Then, up mortals, up! Be as 
lively, bustling and busy as the bees a.nd other insects around 
you ; and, like them, you will ever be well provided for — never 
grow gray with care, nor quit the world to curse it at a distance. 
So mote it be ! 



.Somebody requests me to preach from this text : 

'Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept.' 
I think enough has already been sa d upon this subject. The 
cause of Jacob's crying after he had done the deed, was, probably, 
a slap upon the face received by the hand of Rachel, according to 
the supposition of the New Orleans Delta newspaper. Any girl 
li f; uiik would have done the same. 



TIIK WORLD T'.') NARROW FOR SOME. 

Text. — The world is hardly wide enough 
To hold both you and nie. 

Mv Hearers: When Uncle Toby raised the sash and told the 
poor devil of a blue-bottle to go, there was room enough in the 
world for him and the fly, and some to spare: but its not so now. 
The world is scarcely wide enough for man alone, to say nothing 
of tne millions of other creatures that crowd themselves into it! 
and if it did'nt annually spill into the lap of eternity such ini- 
m<M;se qualities of its live lumber as it does, there woulJ be no 
such th ng as moving a peg. The reason why I think the world 
doesn't contain sj)ace enough for a man with broad shoulders and 
a bi,ij beliy, is, because he fln.ls it veiy difficult to get through it 
without pushing against, upsetting and tramplirg upon, other ol 
his species, who are equally as worthy, but unfortnale'v, doiv' 



238 SHORT PATENT SERiMONS. 

ha])pen to carry quite so much weight in their bree -lies as hirn* 

My friends : people h.ave become so numerous, and they mono- 
polize so much room individually, that instead of our wasting 
words and time upon such a small potato patch as Texas, we 
ought to think about enlarging the world by taking in Venus and 
;\Xars — two of our nearest neighbors, and magnificent territories 
withal. The annexation of the first would create more love and 
produce more marriages than now exist— reduce the proportionate 
number of old maids and bachelors, and numerically strengthen 
posterity. The latter would cause just enough war to cut off a 
surplus population and keep every tree in the garden well pruned. 
One thing or the other, my dear friends, must be done ; the world 
must either be widened, or else you must stnve to contract and 
content yourselves in a narrower compass. In your daily walks 
you spread yourselves too much altogether. Bladders of pride, as 
you are, in the moment of prosperity you pompously blow your- 
selves up with the wind of vanity, you go strutting along, almost 
brushing both sides of creation, spurning humble honesty, and 
disdaining to soil your boots with vile democratic dust. So swol- 
len and inflated are you with the gas of glory and self conceit, the 
whole universe is scarcely large enough for you to turn round in ; 
and you tread upon other folks' corns with the same unconcern as 
a jackass dances among chickens. But how is it when adverse 
fortune causes your bladders of self-iniportance to burst ? Why, 
you look as lean and lank as a lawyer in heaven ; and you feel 
slim enough to crawl through a rat hole into decent society. The 
world, then, is large enough for you — there is too much of it — 
more than you know how to use ; and the only way you can best 
enjoy yourselves is to be contented with a little niche, and en lea- 
vor to fill it respectably. I could animadvert upon some of ihe 
young ladies belonging to my congregation looming large, but I 
ion't like to bear hard upon them. They are flowers, which to 
be analyzed, must be stript of their petals, disrobed of their out- 
ward attractions — torn to pieces ; and Heaven knows I wouldn't 
do this for a bushel basket full of virg'n kisses, as fresh an 1 warm 
as ever lingered upon the lips of love. Nevertheless nianv of 
them do take up a great quantity of room in the world, and a mon- 
Btryui* hi^ht of sidewalk in the stj-feet. But it lasts only for a little 



«HORT PATENT SERMONS. 22** 

time. They soon shed their superfluous feathers of fame — cast 
off several pounds of the padding of pride, and 'fall oil' to make 
room for younger fledglings to flutter and flourish. What T here 
say in a sentence is as good to them as a long sermon ; for I know 
ihat their hearts are as susceptible of impressions as so many bails 
of new-made putty. 

My hearers: some of you, no doubt, complain that the world 
•sn't wide enough, because you find it such tight squeezing to get 
through it. You are pinched, cramped, crowded and cornered, 
ifou forsake the roughfares, and turn into bye-paths to pick up a 
"omfortable subsistence, or perhaps to seek fame and fortune ] but 
you find them all thronged, and no chance for achievement. So 
you fit down on your bottoms and blubber : Oh ! what a miserable, 
narrow-contracted, pent-up concern of a world this is ! — no room 
for enterprize, no encouragement for industry, a plenty of punish- 
ment for vice, and no reward for virtue ! — too many folks by half, 
and all in a heap — lliere is no use in trying; and so we might as 
well give it up ! Let me tell you, my disconsolate friends, that a 
few drops of the sweet oil of hope and a penny-worth of perse- 
verance, will sometimes work v;onders. A man of energy puts 
himself into the centre of a crowd ; and if he doesn't find room 
to work then, he makes room. He commences with the key-hole 
saw of deterniindtion, and by degrees he soon opens space enough 
whsr«:-on to la/ tho foundation of a future temple of w^ealth. 
Ambiticn never complains of a conflicting multitude — the more it 
is rubbed pgainst and jostled, the more it works up, like an in- 
verted wheat-head ; and many a bird of genius has been scared up 
from under foot for fear of being trodden upon, which never be- 
fore considered that it could fly, any more than a toad would think 
of flying with a coat of tar and feathers on its back. 

My dear friends : the world doesn't want widening. It is your 
ideas of it .that need enlarging. Because this great city of Go- 
tham is a vile nest of bed-bugs, each living upon and devouring 
each, you musn't suppose that there are no places upon earth 
where subsistence is gained, and wealth acquired, by honest and 
hard-earned industry — that there are no spots between here and 
sundown where a young man can distinguish himself in some 
other way besides forging notes, seducing girls, and cheating tail- 
or.s -am! 'hal a purer q^uality of happ'ness is not to be found ov 



240 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

mountain tops and in the plains than in the crowded a?id corrapted 
r.-.aits. Many a wihlerness is yet to be made to bloom like a jsra" 
den — villages are yet to spring up and dot the green val!ey=J of die 
west like white clusters ot* daisies in the meadows: and desolate 
places now inhabited by bats and owls shall be translorined, by 
magic as it were, into the abodes of noble, intelligent, and onler- 
riising men, and beautiful women. Grumble about the world not 
being wide enough for you ! I don't believe you would be sat!s.f.ed 
if you had as much room upon earth as a pismire in e*.erii\'.y. 
So mote it be ! 



ON SLEEP. 



"ext. — Ccme, balmy Sleep! tired Nature's soft resort! 
On these sad temples all thy poppies shed; 
And bid gay dreams from Morpheus' airy court 
Float in light visions round my aching head! 



Clasped in her faithful shepherd's guardian arms. 
Well may the village girl sweet slumbers ])rove; 

And they, gentle sleep ! still taste thy charms, 
Who wake to labor, liberty and )ove ! 

My wide-awake Hearers : I say wide awake, because I see you'' 
C3'es are all peeled clear back to the reddish-white at the prrsent 
moment ; but I've got a pretty sleepy subject to dig at, this lime, 
and I shouldn't much wonder if some of you were kidnapped by 
Somnus, before I say So mote it be! at the conclusion. I'll try, 
however, to make noise enough, by preaching on the high key, to 
cause every one to mind his eye, who is naturally awake to his 
own interests, and to the welfare of others. WHien I see you be- 
jrin to nap it, I'll drum on the tympanum of your hearts with the 
sticks of fearful admonition, till you hold up your optics with a 
wonderful wondering! I tell, you, my hearers, you can't, noi 
shan't sleep under my preaching, any how you can fix it! By- 
the-bye, I once extemporized, not far up the river, to a large lot 
of strange animals, who all fell asleep, right in the middle of my 
lij«course, and left me enthusiasticating it, on a stump, all alone 
iQ m} glory — whereupon I cut stick, and never charged them a 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. S41 

cent for -what I had done : and I don't know but they'te all sleep- 
me; Micre yet. They were native born citizens of Sleepy Hollow, 
where :hey do nothing hut ra'se popp'es, sleepy-headed babies, 
and chv-\v opium. 1 rather think they'll have to call twice, and 
liien whistle once, before they catch me there again. 

]y!y beloved brethren in a good cause! I am ready to exclaim, 
wilU the man who rode on Don Qui vote's foal of an ass, Eternal 
hle.-sings on the man who first invented sleep! It coverelh one 
all over like a blanket. Yes, my friends, it does all that ; but then 
tho mantle that sleep throws over the boiy is not always a com- 
loitable one, by a long shot: sometimes it is woven in the loom 
of wretchedness, with a warp of briar brushes, and a filling of 
cdid teeth. Sometimes its texture is so thin as to afford but poor 
protection to frost-biting dreams — and sometimes it is as smooth 
as satin, soft as down, anl comfortable as a foot-stove. If you 
have behaved ungrammatically through the day, you may just 
prepare yourself for a tattered lug to sleep under at night. There 
is no ' ha!my sleep" for those who act dishonestly, live immorally, 
vote spiiriously, shave closely, judge rashly, condemn instantly, 
lounge lazily, loaf idly, and, in short, do wickedly, in any shape. 
The man who backbites his neghbor, deceives his friends, speaks 
ill of m.arried women, runs down the girls, throws a quid of to- 
bacco into the contribution-box, and lakes a penny out of it to buv 
mt.re, and who cares not a snap for GoJ, man nor the Devil — I 
say, my hearer.^ such a man never ought to sleep in peace, and 
he never will ! Let him retire to his cat-tail couch, when sable 
ni^ht has emptied her soot-bag upon one half of this terraqueous 
piobe — when the iron tongue of midnight bids the witches stra idle 
their broomsticks, and the d.mons of (!arkness start from their 
hells — vvhen his spree is over an.' he seeks for repose— and what, 
my friends, await him there 1 — bed-bugs, mosquitoes and the 
nightmare! Yes, amid all these troubles, he wifl lay down hi.s 
guilty carcase — turn over — turn under — turn every way, in tryin'' 
to coax Sleep to his bedside : but she won't do it— he will fall 
into a ?nooze : but the load on his conscience vrill cause him to 
groiin in ;!ist'ess, while the skeleton of a nightmare looks in at 
h;s win low, and gives a Uo\>e laugh at his misery. Poor man— 
yt)U 'un't sleep under that budget of guilt! 

.\:w. my dear hearers, look at the man who goes to bed \vilh» 
IG 



242 SHORT PaTKNT skrmonb. 

sense of having done his duty to his Maker, his i eighbor and 
himself. He ialls calmly asleep in the aims of Somiius, wno 
beckons his messenger, Morpheus, to come while reason slumbers, 
and guide his wandering fancy over that blissful world of drtarns, 
where earth-born care is never known to enter. If he is a lover, 
his dearest angel is ever by his side, journeying with him through 
shady graves and over elysian fields — if he is a business man, the 
banks all pay specie, and discount freely — if he is a lawyer, his 
clients are all wealthy, and chock full of suits — if he is a preacher 
(like myself), his sheep yield good fleeces, and are content with 
such salt as they can get. 0, it's a blessed thing to lie down at 
night with a light stomach and a lighter conscience ! You ought 
to see me sleep sometimes — the way I take it easy is a caution to 
children ! With the bleached night-cap that Time has lent me, I 
lay my head upon a downy pillow, while over it the loveliest 
poppies bloom and distill their soporific dews on my closed eye- 
lids. I revel in the courts of the blest — like a poet, I seem to be 
suspended, in an ideal balloon, midway between an Eden below 
and a Paradise above, till the morning lands me on the barren 
cliffs of terra firma. Since the beloved partner of my bosom has 
departed, her side of the bed contains a bundle of nettles bound 
together by a wreath of cypress — but, for all that, I sleep as sound 
as a log ; because my accounts are all square. I am too old, my 
friends, to do justice to the last verse of my text — suflice it to say, 
it is beautiful, truthful, sublime and pathetic. And now, in con- 
clusion, let me tell you, that, as our night's repose depends upon 
our conduct through the day, so does the sleep of death upon our 
actions through life. If we go according to Hoyle through the 
day of existence, we shall all be blest with rapturous dreams 
when we fall asleep in the cradle of the grave, never more to 
awaken tc tiouble, care and sorrow. So n ote it be ! 



ON ARTIFICE. 

Text. — Why, I can smile, and murder while I smile, 

And cry content to that which grieves my heart, 
And wet my cheeks with artificial tears, 
And frame my face to all occasions. 

My very respectable Auditcrs : I am not going to speak 31 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 243 

the nionstf r here exhibited ; because I dont believe any man can 
take upon himself sucli super-deviiish mon.'trosities, anJ be a man 
—but intend merely to show how far the text will apply (perhaps 
in a dilferent manner) to a certain poition of the hiimtn family- 
the feminine branch in particular. This ornamental part of crea- 
tion, we all know, contains more art in its composition, and re- 
sorts to more artifice than the men. The women don't ploJ along 
the path of nature, as we do, but run out, every now and then, to 
I ick })osies, chase butterflies, and all sort o' thing. They are not 
1o blame for this, nor for any trickery they may have recourse to, 
to arouse the cold-hearteJness and gain the affections of such re- 
frigerators as we men are. I'd do it myself if I wore petticoats, 
and v/ere so much restricied as they are ; if I didn't set a trap, 
where I saw good game, it would be because I hadn't the means 
— nor the disposition. In the artful smile of a pretty lass, my 
young friends, there is murder ! and T bid you beware, lest you 
t.co imprudently become its victim. Thousands and tens of thou- 
sands have been murdered in this way, while the cruel perpetra- 
tors looked upon the conquest with a semblance of grief, and 
would still ' cry content!' Ay, they can smile, and murder when 
they smile; and, what is more, they are licensed to commit as 
much murder as they like. The judge on his bench — the monk 
in his closet — the parson in his pulpit (not me) — in fact all, froir. 
a poet to a pedlar, are alike exposed to the shafts of Cupid, who 
lies basking in the warm smiles of woman. Girls, my friends, are 
aangerous creatures ! They hold the same power over young men 
that snakes do over birds : they sometimes charm them to death 
—at any rate, they charm them. When the eyes of a poor inno- 
cent youth have become dazzled by the smiles of a lovely miss, 
he likes to have them 'stay put ;' and, as he continues his gaze, a 
thousand new beauties arise — she becomes an angel of light sur- 
rounded by a halo of loveliness — gems of pleasure sparkle on 
every side — he is in a perfect paradise. Sometimes he perceives 
his danger, and essays to escape — but he can't do it — the golden 
chords that bind him are drawn tighter and tighter at every kick 
— nearer and nearer he approaches — now he flutters around the 
jaws pf matrimony — and now the halter of Hymen t-uis an end 
to all his sufferings 1 Ain't y m scared at this, Kjy young hearers ? 
If yoi. ain't; I'll jjreach scare fication in a diiTsc'iit form, next Sun- 



214 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

.-liiy A «"ord more about murder. I am sorry that some stao^e 
perl. Trmers ' smile and murder when they smile' They no only 
mnnler their parts by their sm'les, but they commit asf^au't and 
batiery on the audience at the same time — on the pods and god- 
desses above — the angels between — and o.. the devils below — hut, 
however, moreover, whereas, nevertheless, notwithstanding, the 
stage is none of my business 

Wetting 'clieeks with artificial tears' — how about thai '? This, 
mv brethren, does not apply so readily to the ladies. AVben T see 
a tear trmkle down a fair maiden's cheek, I believe it to be the 
real juice of feeling — none of your crocodile salt drops. I don't 
imagine a woman can play 'possum in that kin 1 of ftyle, e' peci- 
nlly in the affairs of love ; but I must say, that I have seen .some 
giddy girls, who cared more about fellows and Hiitntion, than 
about religion, go to anxious and inquiry meetings, with a peeled 
onion nicely folded in their pocket-handkerchiefs ; so that a single 
wipe would cause the tears of true repentance to flow in any 
quantity. If this failed to start them, all the oil of gospel in 
Christendom w^ouLl be inefTeclual. It is in this latter instance 
only, that the limb of my text can possibly be applied. To talk 
about a person having the power to weep on all occas'ons, is the 
height of mooiTshine. I'd like to see a man undertake to cry, 
with a pretty girl beside him — pocket full of cash — no corns on 
^ais toes — and plenty of ice cream in reach. If he can do It on 
Ruch a time, he had better make a business of it, anil go about 
''rying for people at si.vpence a cry. To cut the matter short, ar- 
tificial tears are * all in my eye.' 

' Frame mv face to all occasions.' In order to under^^tand this, 
we must observe that frame is an old Egyptian word, which sig- 
nifies to form, fashion, paint. Here we have it — ' Paint my face,' 
&c. This manner of framing faces is very common at the pre- 
sent ^3ay. Different kinds of paint are used on different occasions, 
and by difrerent persons. Our ladies generally use rouge — those 
who are dark complexioned, make use of white-wash ; but neither 
are kiss r^vooi — two or three smacks take it off. The negroes use 
Ja,'*:: varnish, which .stands the test well. But, my friends, let 
Nal'ire do the painting; she is an experienced hand, and puts on 
a glow that retains its freshness. As you are ashamed to weal 
trinicets of brass th'-t imitate gold, so your price ought to forbid 



gnORT PATENT SEUMONS. 2^5 

yoWT wearing those false colors, which only mimic the handiwork 
of Nature. In regard to your smiles, let them always bs iho.^c 
of feincerity ; your tears, though real, let them flow from ihe pne 
fount of contrition — never from anger or petulence ; your dai'y 
acts, let thrm give evidence that you have profited by my ))rea^h- 
ing, that I may have the satisfaction of knowing that my gray 
hairs have been respected, and that my labors have not been in 
vain. So mote it be ! 



ON THE POWER OF CONSCIENCE. 

Text. — V/hat conscience dictates to be done, 
Or warns me not to do ; 
This teach me more than hell to shun, 
That more than heaven pursue. 

JVlY VERT SENSITIVE AND SENTIMENTAL HeARERS '. I shall, in the 

present discourse, direct my eloquence to those only who have 
consciences manufactured from Heaven's best material and are not 
case-hardened at the forge of Satan. I believe this includes nearly 
the whole of my flock — but if there are any who have cast-iron 
consciences that resist every impression ; and if, also, there be 
those with India-rubber consciences, that will stretch half a mile 
beyond the geographical line of honesty — why, I shall bid them 
go their own way — serve out their apprenticeship with the Devil, 
and afterward do jour-work in manufacturing mischief for them- 
selves and their neighbors, by the job. Conscience, my friends, 
lias of late been too generally bullied out of confidence in its own 
admonishing and chastising powers. My friend Shakspere says 
It makes cowards of us all — but it don't do it now-a-days so much. 
People have become too well acquainted with the animal, to be 
frightened out of their seven senses by its scolds, which they heed 
about as much as a fox does the cawing of carrion crows, (t 
would be a glorious thing for the present dilapidated state of soci- 
ety, if conscience could more frequently be elected president over 
the whole of the moral faculties. Now, my hearers, there's nu 
politics about me when you see me up here; but I verily believe 
that you run other candidates, because conscience is thought to he 
too arbitrary — au'^ so. oa tb* contrary, you go the whole hog ioj 



246 SHORT Patent sermons. 

democratic or republican prnripl-^. and vest supr'-rne powr in 
the /oilovvin^ authorities, to legislate, speechify, f^et s /zled, and 
make laws in the chaml:eis of ibe heart, viz : Self-interest, Envy, 
Avarice, rndiiiii^ence, Love, Viitue. Vice. Benevo'ence, Jealousy, 
IVelry, Hatred, &c. It is plain enough, my dear friends, that such 
a ropubiican form of government won't answer in th's case; for 
tile obvious reason, that an incongruous, anonymous, heteroge- 
neous, ^e f-contliciing mass of law-makeis can't take care of them- 
selves — Ifctiing alone the uproarious, levoUitionizing emj/ire of the 
mind. I appeal to your delhioned ccnss'ences, my hearers, if it 
isn't just as p^ain as that girl on the end of the bench yonder, that 
democracy never will answer for the king;!om of the heart. 1 
dive clean up to my elbows into the suds of democracy, in its po- 
litical relation : but the base passions and fine intellectual faculties 
of man, require some powerful mandate to keep in subjection the 
first, and push forward the latter. Ay, they need even a despot 
at their head — and Conscience was ordained by Heaven for this 
highly responsible office. Now, I beg all who have been traitors 
to their God and themselves, to lay down their arms and become 
faithful subjects to the r lord and sovereign, Conscience. Come, 
my dear friends, I know you won't act foolishly — upset your awn 
Boup, and sweeten your tea with mustard ! Come and let Con- 
science be your ruler — your guide — your protector — your reward- 
er — and your admonisher. Only go according to its dictates, and 
my word for it, you will gain possession of that rare jewel, hon- 
esty, which shall glitter amid the surrounding darkness of venality, 
and serve as a passport to the very cock-loft of j)ublic esteem. 
If it don't I wish I may be shaved ! I am rea !y, my friends, to 
stake the laurels that for years have decked my venerable front — 
that the man who always does the clean thing toward his inner 
man, will never have the darkest alleys of his soul haunted by 
the dragon-winged demon of remorse. But if you bid conscience 
depart, in order that the passions may hold a carnival in its pa- 
lace — run riot round its throne, and kick up Tom and Jerry — then 
beware! Remember that the resident whom you sent away as a 
servant, will return as a master. Ay. m} friends, he will return 
as a master, and a savage one, too. He will rap with terrible 
thundering at the door of the heart — and in earthquakified tones 
of ange§ demand -"Omittance. Then what a scampering there 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 247 

will be among the sensitive children of guilt ! — they will feel that 
they have been raising Cain and breaking things — they will :all 
on the beds to cover them, and the chairs to fall a-top ol them — 
on their knees they will implore Conscience to forgive them ; but 
he won't be gammoned — he will slap them all with the shingle oi 
reproof, and send them sobbing to their beds of shame! This, 
you see, all comes from not acting up to the requirements of a con- 
scientious sense of duty ; and this, or something similar, will be 
the portion of all who know they are digging those potatoes which 
ought not to be dug, and are leaving unJu^ those potatoes whic*" 
ought to be dug. I would have you take a pattern after my sto 
macher — that's the sort of conscience you all want — it never 
warps — never shrinks — but is always the same — sound, comfort- 
able and soul-protecting. Now, my hearers, may I hope that 
whatever you do hereafter, whether it be making money, making 
love, or making pretensions, you will do all to the glory of a clear 
conscience ; and that is the evidence of a religion, not only rare» 
but of more value than an inheritance in the kingdom of gratait 
ous gastronomy. So mote it be ! 



ON SICKENING SENTIMENTALITY. 



Text. — And sometimes when the sun, with parting rays, 
Gilds the long grass that hides my silent bed. 

The tear shall tremble in my Charlotte's eyes ; 

Dear, precious drops! they shall embalm the dead! 

Yes — Charlotte over the mournful spot shall weep, 
Where her poor Werter and his sorrows sleep. 

My Dear Friends : There is something deliciously melancholy, 
sensitive, sweet and silly, in the above sentiments. It's exactly 
the right stuff to make chicken-hearted young men and love-sick 
gu'.s go out in the evening and gawk at the moon, till they don't 
know what under heaven ails them — and feel as if they want to 
commit suicide on themselves, or somebody else. I take it for 
granted, that you have all read the Sorrows of Werter— I am per- 
8 'laded the female portion of my audience has — for I renr ember 
that when I was a boy, it like to have played the deuce with the 
whole lot of girls in our town. They would read it and cr>, as 
il the'T own t>we"iheaiis had turned highwaymen. I once caii^lii 



243 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

*ny sister in just such a jjie .icarr; ni — an I, boy as \ was v.mht 
took to reason wiih her on the subject like a mnit ; but :-h? wipeJ 
Ler<yes\vith a pockel-handkei chief, ahd spiifft.lly s iJ, -Ckaf 
out, you iitlletyke! what do you know about love 'J Then it 
was. my hearers, that I fiist resolved lo turn preacher at some fu- 
ture day, and show up the nonsense of such fi IlIc- e-dee foolery 
Wert -r was a silly booby — ' a cake not Inrned' — he was made up 
of sitfhs, sorrows and shoe-strings — tear-diops, lenderi e<s, and 
tin scraps. There was nothing substantal about him --he lacked 
those necessary ingre ients of Christianity, patience, fort tuda and 
forbearance, so indispensibly necessary to a person in love, as well 
as to all others. Poor fellow ! we must pty his weakness, and 
iorgive his errors ; for I really be ieve his ujjper story was out oi 
order. I will read a pass-age of his, which favors the idea, as I 
cannot recommend the book to your perusal : 

' 1 climb the steep rocks, I break my way through copses, among 
thorns and briars, which tear me to pieces, and 1 feel a little 
relief.' 

Who but a ninney, or an insane person, couM ever think of be- 
ing so rash ! And now, while my hand is in, 1 will quote another 
sentence, to show how paiticular he was in selecting a j)kice to 
sleep after death, as if he then might be sensible to feelings of 
Jove, pride, shame, &c. : 

'At the corner of the church-yard, which looks towards the 
fields, are two lime trees — it is there I wish to rest.' 

It seemed that he wished to be buried beneath the shade of the 
two lime trees, as though the spirit might be induced tostayihere, 
and guard the body from the encroachment of worms ; but he was 
deceived. The spirit wings its way to an unknown sphere the 
moment its mansion is demolished, and the rubbish that remains ia 
lit only to aid in forming grass and flesh — for flesh is grass, and 
grass tiesh — sailh the Book. 

J.ove, my friends, is neither a fluid nor a solid — it is a sort of 
compound quintessence of something indescribable. I never ex- 
perienced its effects myself : I only speak from observation. 1* 
has an attractive power, like the magnet, not yet fully understood 
[Silence those boys in the gallery.] Like electricity, it pervad^^^s 
all bodies — comes before you know it — creates a fluster in thi 
breast- -produces a fonr'^e&s for poetry, romantic places, and siiad^ 



SHORT PATENT SERMOHS Zi9 

pTove? — makes a body feel queer for a time, and finally depart.-i a% 
calmly as a Ch/s ian dies. Not unfieqneiit y it makts comjije e 
tools of people — as in the case of Wetter : causes them to comiTM\ 
«u cide, ti^l:t duels, take to drink, and become lo.ifers. The only 
sife j)iotection is to fortify the ht-art with reason — attend to basi- 
ne.'S cof'tantly — be moderate in the office of love, and pray Hea- 
ven (o guard you from its snares. You mu-t pray with the right 
•spiiit, mind you : if you don't, it won't ava 1 much. As it iscus- 
lomaiy for modern preachers to relate anecdotes, I will give one 
which is just su ted to my puipose: A farmer, who had been in 
the habit of daily praying in his family, was one day interrogated 
hy his negro servant, why he did not prny the Lord to prevent tiie 
woo Icluicks from eating the beans'? CufTee was toJd that he might 
do that himself. Accordingly, the next morning he repaired to 
the fiel.l, pulled off his coat, and down on h s marrow bones, 
prayed fervently thus: ' Mister Lor! massa say if you don't keep 
your woodchucks to home, he play h— 1 wid 'em.' You need not 
be told, my hearers, that the woodchucks continued to eat the 
beans, as ever. It was not because the petition was offered up by 
a black man that it was not listened to, brit for the reason that it 
was not uttered in faith. I would not have young men live bach- 
slors always, and never know what it is to love; but let them fix 
their affections on one, and love moderately, prudently and sin- 
cerely, that the collar of Hymen may sit easy on iheir necks, and 
the connubial harness fit to a T. In conclusion, my young friends, 
I must bid you take warning from the melancholy fate of the poor 
jeing named in my text, and be cautious in providing for domestic 
as well as eternal happiness, that your fatter end may not be like 
his. So mote it be ! 



ON PLAYING TRICKS WITH NATURE. 

Text.- - And thus they spend 

The little wick of life's poor shallow lamp, 
In playing tricks with nature. 

Once mo?e, my worthy hearers, T make mjself visible to your 
cptics — once more I am permitted to ascend the rostrum, ami dis- 
tribute among you the apples of moral instruction. I have iraih 
7 



250 SHORT PAT ENT SERMONS. 

ered tiiem from *he tree of experience — tasted them, and found 
them to be nutritious, healthy and palatable. If any of you pro- 
nounce them otherwise, why, I shall say, you are no judges of 
p'ppins — ihafs all. How have I collected these'? Lis'.en : I 
threw no clubs into the tree; I played no tricks with Nature — but 
simply held my hat, and caught them as they fell. I have a good 
sack full — enough to last me through the cold winter of age that 
is fast gathering round me. When these attic windows of mine 
shall become so dimmed by time as lo admit but a feeble ray of 
light into the dark tenement of the soul, it will trim the wick of 
life, and light the lamp of Hope, which shall continue to burn till 
the blast of Death extinguishes it, on earth, for ever. Now, my 
friends, in order to obtain the best fruits of virtue and morality, 
there is no need of playing tricks with Nature. All that is neces- 
sary is, to have your hearts prepared to receive them as they fall, 
and you will gather lots of such apples and peaches as Jersey can 
neither give nor take away. If you harbor the idea that you can 
bamboozle the public into the belief that you possess the best of 
qualities, when your hearts are as tight as a drum-head against 
them, let me tell you, you are as much mistaken as the person was 
who went to bed wrong end foremost, and awoke in the morning 
with his night-cap on his feet. I affirm, it is easier for a needle 
to go through the eye of a camel than for one of these to prosper 
spiritually under such hollow, vain-glorious pretensions. Man 
has lately grown too wise, in his own conceit — he fancies that he 
understands himself like a book — that all he has to do is to eat 
and drink, and take Brandreth's pills to help him out of all kinds 
of trouble. This trickery with Nature shows his near relation tc 
a certain quadruped that has more ears than intellect. Better take 
1 few doses of religious pills, prepared expressly for sin-sick mor- 
tals. They physic the inner man — operate as a mild cathartic on 
the constagular exfoliations of vice — eradicate and exemplify the 
diurnal system — corrustify and refrigerate the excressences of evil 
— and render the abdominal functionaries in a fluescent state for 
eternal happiness. I am obliged to use Latin expressions : because 
when translated into English they lose their force and beauty. 
Bii, to continue — man does 'spend the little wick of lif-.'s doot 
shiHow lamp, in playing tritks with nature,' most foolishly. He 
•evel? the beauteous hills to lay railroads — digs a furrow on th» 



motn PJ TENT SETIMONS. 2v'>l 

face of the e^.rth to make a canal — cuts down the o;iaiit oaks :>-> 
build ships and steamboats, and puis a scab on the nose of Dame 
Nature, all to gra*'fy a selfish cupidity. He turns everythinj: 
topsy-turvy, to make discoveries; he pretends to have found out 
that the earth is round like a ball, notwithstanding the Bible and 
the great Roswell Saltonstall have told him better— that it is con- 
tinually turning over, and we all stick to it, like Death to a dead 
nigger — that bodies weigh less at the equator than at the poles, 
except buck shot, for with them 'a pint is a pound, the world al^ 
round' — that animal maggolism pervades all flesh : because, when 
it dies, it is eaten by worms — that men have as many bumps on 
their heads as they have ideas — in short, everything concerns man 
that is of no more impoitance to us moitals than a dose of salts to 
a foul musket. Not satisfied with making mischief at home, he 
places a ladder against the topmost towers of heaven, and enters, 
with sacreligious hand, upon the domains of his Creator — discov« 
ers there that the sun is as cold as a sturgeons nose — that Saturn 
has rings on his fingers — that Jupiter has belts round his waist — 
that the moon is not made of green cheese, but is a world like 
ours, only a different sort of beings inhabit it; and all such non- 
sense. The infidel Voltaire said, that the Lord couldn't make hills 
without valleys; but I do assert that man wouldn't hesitate to un- 
dertake it, had he the power to make hills at all. Let him beware 
how far he at:empts to carry his unholy schemes! Let him re- 
member how Nimrod of old undertook to build a tower to heaven ; 
and how the brick-layers and hod-carriers all struck for higher 
wages, ere it was half completed — and how, also, they jawed and 
quarrelled till some of them put their tongues out of gear, and 
were never able to understand each other afterward. One found 
himself talking Dutch — another, Irish — another, Cockney English 
— another, Hebrew, &c., &c. Then, my hearers, were they all 
dispersed, Gog and Magog, and the tower left to crumble upon the 
desolate plains of Shinah, where its ruins now lie, a fearful, but 
broken, monument of the folly and unlawful enterprise of man ! 
Gothamite>, take warning from this ! there is a jargon of languasres 
already here; and the slow progress of the new custom-house 
prognosticates evil. Beware! beware! 

My friends : let us avoid w^asting the wick of life in playing 
loolis'^ tricks with Nature : for she will soon play a trick wth ua 



253 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

that is not to be winked at: that is, she will snuff out the candle 
of existence, and all the loco-foco matches on earth will not b^ 
aoie to re-light it. Therefore, let us follow the path of strict mo- 
rality, which leads through the tomb, over the viaduct between 
time and eternity, and ends in the everlasting gardens of Paradise. 
So mote it be! 



ON SLANDER. 

Text. — Anger, Self-love, Ambition, thirst of Praise, 

Perturb Man's soul, and darken half his days; 
Envy and Slander, Jealousy and Pride, 
On Woman wait, foul spectres by her side. 

My DEAR Hearers : It is, indeed, a painful job for me to descant 
upon the bad qualities of a person, for I know they are tender 
sores: and when touched by even a feather of reproof, are sure to 
throw the poor mortal who is afflicted with them into convulsions 
of the worst kind : but I must do it, for it is my line of business, 
and none can stop my mouth, nor say why preacheth Dow, Jr. 
thus? I mean to point out to man some of the principal causes 
of his perpetual disquietude, while a poor miserable tenant of that 
mud-built shanty called the body. These causes, my friends, are 
not a few, as the boy said of his head itching, but the principal 
ones are anger, self-love, ambition, and a constant thirst for praise. 
These are the begetting causes — the real old he ones; all the evils 
that follow them are their legitimate children — small, but saucy, 
and capable of producing a great deal of mischief in the sacred 
temple of the heart. Anger is a fiery, headstrong steed, that 
loves to rush into battle with its rider, w^ithout regard for prudence 
or fear of consequences. The ebenezer of some m.en rises to an 
awful pitch, at the mere prick of a pin ; and then such a flood of 
hurried imprecations bursts forth as to overflow the fair soil of 
virtue, rendering it sterile and unproductive forever. Were it not 
for that safety valve, the mouth, I am inclined to think that such 
people would snap their heart-strings, and perhaps burst the paicli- 
ment tnat encases all their wrath and fury. Self-love, my hearers, 
like good wine, may be indulged in moderately, without harm ; as 
It serves lo keep a body in good spirits, a "d stimulates him to man? 



SHORT PATENT SERMOICS. 253 

laudable enterprizes ; but too much self-love makes a man so bra- 
zen-faced, that (l.e delicate tints of modesty won't stick, for wanf 
of a suitable ground. It causes him to look taller, in the sight ot 
his ov. n eyes, than any of the twc-lfgged giraffes about him : it 
makes him look upon his own shadow ao the very paragon of 
beauty — too choice and lovely to be .ed over the vile dust of the 
streets. He needs no high-heeled boots to raise himself in his own 
estimation. No, my friends, he is altogether too lofty for his own 
good. He fears the opinions of the world — kisses the great toes 
of sycophants — kneels at the altar of flattery — and finally dies 
d'sgusted with himself, and at enmity with all creation. Ambition 
and a thirst for praise are attended with similar effects; and I ad- 
vise you all, my brethren, to keep clear of them as much as pos- 
sible, unless you wish to have the felicity of dancing, occasionally, 
a bare-footed double-shuffle on a bed of young nettles. 

Now, my hearers, I must doctrinise the women a little. They 
are tender subjects to handle ; and perhaps I ought to put on the 
silken gloves of sentiment for the purpose; but they have their 
faults, failings and foibles as well as the men. I always analyze 
afl their lovely blossoms of purity, and deposit them in the most 
congenial corner of my heart ; but it is my present intent to strip 
off the corolla of all those which are poisonous — show them how 
the stamens of vice are inserted on the recepticle of their natures, 
and teach them the difference between roses of loveliness and the 
swamp-grown flowers of vice. As my text implies, envy, jeal- 
ousy and jtride, are the foul spectres that wait on women ; but 
these, my friends, all concentrate in one evil, and that is Slander. 
I em sorry to say that women will backbite with more than com 
mendable eagerness. They appear to have been endowed with the 
gift of gab for this very purpose. Instead of giving a mild tone 
to society, they often produce a discordant buz in the mansions 
of peace, similar to that created by a loud rap on a bee-hive. 
Scandal is the wanton weapon of many a fr male, too good look 
^'ng to be censured by persons less free and courageous than my 
self — but it takes me to do it, because I know it is lor their good 
When I was travelling, my dear friends, through the state of yua 
ker honesty, Dutch simplicity and feminine frailly, called Penn 
itylvania, a young girl stumbled into the pathway of my know 
.edge, whose very teeth 1 td all become loosened by the aqualorlia 



254 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

of scandal. Her tongue was furred with the mould of gossip, and 
she spat cambric needles when her "lander was above summer heat. 
0, she was an angel in form, but a j<ataness at heart ! a beautiful 
flower to look at, but a dan;5erous one to pluck. My friends, this 
delightful spec of mischief would attend her routes, her ball.-^, hei 
evening parties, and fancy herself the only animate object worthy 
the admiration of a fashionable throng; and all because she had 
cheated her Maker out of some of the best material that was ever 
wasted in fitting up a feminine figure of vanity! The next day 
she would gad about, from house to house, to tell of the attentions 
paid her — the number of beaux she haJ rejected — how she haa 
fascinated all the young men present — how other young ladies be- 
came jealous of her — and string out whole skeins of other yarn 
too trifling to mention, but sufficient to set the whole village by the 
ears. Now, my friends, what do you think became of this girl ] 
Did she marry, and become a happy br.de, a wife, unJ a mother? 
No! she was often snappeu at, but never picked up. Her folly, 
scandal and flirtation were her ruin. She.sits in her desolate cor- 
ner, a disconsolate old maid! Two cats. Poll Parrot, and a little 
yellow dog, are her bosom companions. She must end her days 
in misanthropic solitude. 0, if 1 had only begun to preach when 
she begun to flirt, I might have saved her. But it's all over now 
— she's a gone child ! 

My dear females : don't, I pray you, take offence at what I have 
said — it is all for the best I love ou with all the ardor of you.h, 
for I- know that you are not ail unworthy of being beloved by 
the wise and the good ; and, for ihc most part, are well calculated 
to smooth down the moral asperities ol ffian, and to render him as 
happy through life as you are virtuous and lovely. So mote it be ' 



ON WORLDLY CORRUPTION. 

Text. — O for a lodge in some vast widerness — 
Some boundless contiguity of shade. 

My Hearers : The moral world has been progressing backwards, 
like a vexed ciab, for a number of years pa!>t ; and i don"t know 
what, in the name of wickedness, we shail all come to, ujiless u 
i», that, by some righteous mistake, we come to the deteimiiiuLiOn 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 255 

Ht behav« better, do better, and treat each other as though we were 
all rriembers of one club, trained in the same coinj)any, ate at the 
same labie. and woiked in the same vineyard : but, I regret to say, 
it isn't so now. Man looks upon man with a suspicious eye — aa 
though he were a thief, a robber, a sheep-stealer, a highwayman, 
or a cut-throat. We hear of rows and rumors of rows, but the 
end is not yet, and Heaven only knows when it will be. It 's, my 
friends, a horrible state of society in which we are compeiied, at 
the present day, to move. The community is pregnant with a 
thousand other evils besides those which the soaplocks scatter 
abroad. There are, in this little village of Gotham, thousands of 
rash, inconsiderate and foolish young men, who are sliding down 
to destruction as fast as the skates of lewdness and immorality 
can carry them. They bathe their sin-stained limbs in a flood of 
pleasure, as though it were a running stream, limpid and pure, 
washing grievous care down into the gulf of forgetful '^ess, and 
forever bringing a whole squadron of new delights. They are 
mistaken in this matter — they are paddling about in a dormant 
pool of sensuality, which becomes filthier and filthier, till it im- 
parts a deadly poison to every object in its vicinity. 0, my 
friends, when I see so many valuable and interesting young moi- 
tals floating about upon the surface of damnation, and just ready 
10 sink, I feel as if I had partaken of the crusts of grief and six 
or eight cups of pity for breakfast. Poor things ! I throw out a 
line for them ; and if they haven't a mind to catch hold of it, they 
may go down beneath the waves of their own folly, and there lie 
till the Devil fishes them out — for the fault is theirs — the mislor- 
tune mine. These corruptions, brethren, are enough to make a 
man seek for a lodging place in some vast wildernes , where he 
can remain in blessed ignorance of the debaucheries, crime and 
improprieties of soaplocks, blacklegs, and highbinders — ay, of 
those who are called respectable— who give society the vomit and 
purge the most devout of christian neighborhoods. In some vast 
wilderness, I say — where a man can show fight to his own base 
passions, and no one near to commit him for assault and battery 
— where he can gather the sweets of solitude — be refreshed by fra- 
grant dews of reflection — lie flat on his back, and look straight up 
through Nature to Nature's God, and hold communion with blessed 
spirits, f'i he is lulled to sleep by the vespers of the night-breeze, 



256 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

whose harp is hung amid the folds of the green curtail, that 9\it 
rounds him. He can there slumber in quiet repose, free f.om the 
vexation of a blistering world ; and in the full assurance that somf 
guardian angel will tickle his nose with a straw, when that black 
foundling of Satan, ca'led Nightmare, is thrust into his arms 
The solemn hoot of the owl would be music to his ears, compareff 
with^the horrible croakings which are daily ejaculated from tht 
sin-sore gullet of a contaminated community; and the hissings oJ 
serpents would pass by him without an admonishing meaning, af 
ter having been inured to those of slanderers, backbiters and tra- 
ducers. Verily, my hearers, a lodge in some vast wilderness is 
worth more, by two shillings a night, than one in the great ante- 
chamber of wickedness — where all manner of abominations are 
committed — where the greatest scourge that afflicts man is his fel- 
low man — where petit larcenies are performed upon his pockets — 
where base and cowardly passions burglariously enter the sacred 
temple of his heart, rob it of all that is virtuous, cut the threads 
of all the finer sentiments, and leave nothing behind but a pack 
of trash, that wouldn't fetch two cents in the market of heaven, 
and but a trifle more in the junk-shops of hell. 

My hearers : all the ills and follies that invade this social worli 
of ours musn't be saddled upon the backs of the man gender alone. 
Females nr.ust mother a portion of them. Old women are too much 
given to strong tea and stronger gab. They tell those things they 
ought not to tell, and leave untold those things which they ought 
jO have told ; which sometimes sets a whole parish by the ears. 
Young girls are too fond of extravagance, dress, flirting, coquet* 
ting, and a lancy variety of beaux. Too many of them are mere 
jack-o-lanterns, dancing before the eyes of admirers, and not un- 
frequently leading them into the ungetoutable swamps of poverty 
and wo. When I see a young lady dash out with such a cargo 
o: silks upon her back as to 1 reed a morus multicaulis mania 
throughout the land, I feel mcKned to say unto her, in the fullness 
of a charitable heart, Go, it Mary! your daddy may be rich, but 
not rich enough to purchase for you that happiness an 1 content- 
snent which dwell in the mansions of the h tmble, prudent and 
industrious! 0, my friends! I am also sorry to see so many un- 
fortunate damsels straying so far away from the flowery paths of 
virtue, to pick th^ bitter berries of vice from savage thorn treea 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 237 

and molesting briai brushes, and enticing foolish young men to 
partalie of the same, regardles? of the flaming sword which is to 
drive them forever from the garden of peace and happiness. 
Only think of them ! their virtuous charms might have been 
wreallieJ into a delightful bouciuet, to ornament the gay parlor of 
respectable society, md be beauiiful emblems of that virgin purt} 
which drops down fiom the distillery of Heaven upon the tenlei 
buds oi youth. But they are gone chickens — there is no balm for 
them either in Gilead or Gotham. They are wandering on, poor 
disinherited children of wrath ! to eternal shame and infamy, with 
nothing to guide their wayward steps, save the blue flame of their 
own iniquity, which casts a sickly glare along the dark alley of 
crime. ' Lord bless them, let them go !' is all I can say for the.m ; 
but, my dear friends, it isn't half what I should like to do for 
them, had 1 the instrument of power at my control. 

If such things, my liearers, are not enough to make any one 
sing out for ' a lodge in some vast wilderness — some boundless 
contiguity of shade,' where crime is unknown, and where vice 
never entered — then I'll get right down from the exalted stool of 
preaching, and not .say another word — but hold on a minute. So- 
ciety may be made a lit circle to travel in, if you all try to do the 
clean thing to every one, at all times, antl acknowledge obedience 
to One whose supremacy should never be called in question. So 
mote it be ! 



ON THE CHILDHOOD OF THE SOl'L. 

Teat. — I woul 1 give all the love 

Within the mind's control, 
Could I recall onre more 
The chihlhood of the soul. 
The world is changed; that island scene still blooms in Memory'i 

eye; 
'Tis here that I could wish to iive—there be content to die. 

Mr Hearers: It'.'; a hard case for a body to be transported foi 
ever away from tiie green isle of youth to the dreary Botany Bay 
of age never more to share the liberties and partake of the en- 
joyments \Thich flourish in that flowery tract of existence, called 

childhood. It is a har ' case— and you, ye banished old cripples, 
17 



Z5o SHORT PATENT SERMONS, 

who are shivering in the night atmosphere of death, must own its 
truth ! but you, young vegetables of merry spring, you don't be- 
gin to know what it is to have your sap chilled by the hoar-frosts 
of care, anxiety and infirmity; though you may all have to come 
to it one of these days, unless you take to drink, cut 'cross lots 
for eternity, and cheat old Time out of his turnpike fee. Look at 
me, my dear friends, and weep ! Here you behold a specimen ot 
antiquated humanity, about to be deposited in that dark and dusty 
museum of Hades, where dry bones are gathered together, and the 
dust of frail mortals lies scraped up in a heap, to be analyzed, at 
the great day of inspection, by the sole Judge of the Universe. 1 
am a poor prisoner in the gloomy cell of old age. Time, the 
stern tyrant, has lynched me, for failings that pertain to human 
nature, rather than for any fault of mine : he has shorn my head 
of the ebon locks of youth ; cast a film over my eyes ; cut the 
elastic sinews of manhood ; and bound my feet with such galling 
fetters as none save the ministering angel of Death can loosen. 
I yield to my fate, with all that submission and fortitude which 
should characterize an humble and philosophical mind ; though ! 
would give two shillings, at least, and my note for as much again 
more, could I but return to the homestead of my boyhood, which 
is ever blooming like a celestial Paradise — where new buds of 
pleasure are sure to expand ere the ripening flower decays. let 
me vegetate again in that gay garden of existence, amid the 
squashes, cucumbers, beans, peas and cabbages, and be the most 
promising cabbage among them all ! there to flourish upon the 
rich soil of virtuous innocence — to have the weeds of vice eradi- 
cated every morning by the hoe of parental admonition, while the 
balmy dews of contentment fall gently down upon my verdure- 
covered head. But I'm a withered cabbage now — torn up by the 
roots and chopped into cold-slaugh. I never shall put forth any 
more green leaves, till the old stump is set out to shoot again in 
ihe nursery of immortality. 

My beloved friends: well might we all be willing to give the 
whole lump of love we ever possessed, could we but recall the 
childhood of the soul — that happy time when the heart is as ligh. 
as the head, and dances to the tune of don"t-care-a-copper in its 
love-lighted abode ; when the mind is as free and independent as 
ft north e'Q nigger; when our slumlers, in the arms of Peace, are 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 259 

sweeter than virgin kisses simmered in the oil of heavenly love, 
when Fancy sits beside us, and, with a ready pencil, draws beau* 
tiful pictures for childish imagination to admire; when we can 
read whole pages of poetry written upon the hill-side, the moun- 
tains, the plains, brooks, rivers, and all such durable editions of 
Nature's album. Not such contagious doggerel, my friends, as 
afflicts the community these days, but real, genuine, legitimate poe 
try — such as the angels repeated, when the idea of creation was 
first conceived, and to whose harmonious jingle the world was 
formed. 0, my hearers, if we could always be young, wouldn't 
it be the tallest kind of sport ! then give us a plenty of bread and 
butter, and molasses, and what should we care for care, and the 
ten thousand vexations that manhood is heir to. I saw a little 
boy the other day, wading in a frog pond, with his trowsers strip- 
X»ed up above his lower hinges. He was bare-headed withal, and 
cut a very funny figure. His legs might be likened unto a couple 
of peeled sticks stuck into a sweet potato, and his head unto a 
handful of uncarded tow ; but I looked upon him as the very em- 
blem of happy innocence, courageous spunk, and careless indif- 
ference. In his frog-catching avocation, the thoughts of a United 
States' Bank or a Sub-Treasury never perplex his soul ; and a per- 
fect stranger is he to the multitude of anxieties that worry business 
men and poor mortals like me, who tug, toil and sweat in the mo- 
ral vineyard. He may, for a moment, get stuck in the mud, but 
so long as his head is out of water he has nothing to fear. I saw 
a little baby crawl out of its cradle, and take its first creep toward 
the tomb. What a pity that such a small mouthful of sin should, 
in time, become a locomotive mass of corruption ! but it must be 
so, for there is no remaining in the circle of childhood. Infancy 
soon finds^ itself prattling in merry childhood — childhood capers 
over the green meadows, and enters the rosy arbor of youth — 
youth winds its way up the mountain path of manhood — manhood 
hurries down a more rugged declivity, into the barren pasture of 
age — and age feels its way directly into the dark cavern of death. 
So you see, my hearers, there is no stopping by the way. When 
the physical engine of man is once put in operation, he locomotes 
straight ahead for eternity, and none can stop him. Since, then, 
we can't pla} truant by the road-side of youth, nor recall th** blest 
moments of childhood, wc must all try to act and fp»^l as though 



260 «HORT PATENT SERMONS. 

vve were yet young, and always keep the green islaml of vittuoui 
ny-gone days in the eye of memory, to prompt us in all our mifc» 
movements. VVe must keep sober by all means, and never take a 
bite at such pleasures as are not perfectly wholesome — pay all our 
debts— be prudent, and attend church regularly. You might aj 
well undertake to draw a straight line from southeast to south- 
west, as to try to feel young and be cursed with the horrors of a 
guilty conscience. Let my words sink six inches into your hearts, 
and all the glory, honor and praise be yours. So mote it be ! 



ON THF ELASTICITY OF VIRTUE AN^ MORALITT. 

Text. — Jim Crow is made of India-rubber, 

He weighs a ton and seben ounce : 
The harder that you knock him down, 
The higher up he bounce. 

My Hearehs : There is a moral to my text, as insignificant and 
liOthingfied as it may appear. You know, or ought to know, that 
all bodies possessing the least elasticity will rebound from resisting 
substances, just in proportion as they are propelled against ihem. 
Truth, for instance, is amazingly India-rubberish ; and will hop 
up, when thrust down, like a circus tumbler on a spring-board 
Error, per contra, is wet, heavy and soggish — when cast to earth, 
it flats right down, and stays there, like a junk of dough — no gei 
up to it — nothing save the yeast of repentance will cause it to 
rise. If, my hearers, I were to be struck down by the slanderous 
blow of an adversary, I should bounce clear up against the rafters 
of heaven, and lodge, on my way back, in the topmost branches 
oi the very talleat tree of popularity. There's no flat about me 
— I'm always too w^ell stuffed with such elastics as virtue, moral- 
ity and truth ; and ever have been since I first took up the pro- 
fession of preaching. Beelzebub and all his apprentices couldn't 
ccep me down, inflated as I am v/ith such keep-getting-up quali- 
t'es : and if he should ever try to do it, he'd have a closer match 
than the angel had, when he took a back hug with Jacob of old 
But, my dear friends, you can all be secure from the dead c^ettler** 
oi knock-downs, as well as I, if you have only a mind lo try foi 
it Don'* flatter yourselves ton much with the id«a that your cor 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 261 

poreal houses are all founded on rocks; because they maybe ouilt 
on the quick-sands of vanity, and then when the storms beat, the 
winds drive, the lightnings flash, and the thunders roar, they will 
»all like a bullet in the mud — not to hop up again — but to settle 
lower and lower, at every earthquake of misfortune All you 
whose shanties rest upon such everlasting rocks as strict integrity, 
practical piety, and a general uprightness of behavior, have nothing 
lo fear from the fists of opposition, or from those inimical vermin 
that are ever seeking to gnaw into the corn-crib of the sober, ho- 
nest and industrious. You will succeed in securing to yourselves 
a full measure of the wheat of this world in spite of their teeth. 
Every blow you receive from them will only drive another nail 
into the lids of your treasuries, and render them still safer from 
iheir burglarious des^igns. Even if they should happen to chuck 
you down to a level with themselves, it will only add perplexity 
to their shame; for, like the gum-elastic Jim Crow, )^ou will 
bounce up so far beyond their reach, that afterward they could but 
whistle and whine at your exaltation from the dark valley of envy, 
even as dogs bark at the moon, while peeping from their midnight 
kennels. Verily, my friends, you have nothing to fear, so long as 
your feet tread upoii the solid soil of virtue, and you estimate 
yourselves at about haif price of the original cost. Don't try to 
get up in the world too fast; for a rapid expansion may burst 
your suspenders, and take all the elasticity out of those sinewy 
functions, which enable man to spring out of the mire of difficulty, 
under the severest of pressures. You must love your neighboi 
as yourself. You mustn't be jealous of his prosperity — but take 
hold, and help him roll his barrel of ambition up hill ; and, if he 
is a man, he will help you shoulder your bag of worldly gain- 
gettings. 

Now, my respectable auditors, let us take a survey of thai an- 
leavened mass of humanity, called man, destitute of those moral 
qualities which alone can raise him to prosperity, when once stuck 
in the mud of embarrassment. He is a poor good-for-nothing spe- 
cimen of wretchedness; the storms of misery beat through the 
shattered tenement of his soul — the winds of poverty whistle 
through his ventilated garments — and his sin-dried bones go about 
BqueaKmg in their sockets, for the want of a few drops of oil of 
common honesty. My old jacket, stuffed with the petticoats of 



262 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

pious females, would make a man more in keeping with the wis* 
designs of Providence. A rag baby, fondled in the arms of some 
mamma's pet, is of more account than such a being. He never 
can rise more than a few inches above the equilibrium of his fel- 
low creatures, if even that : and when he is knocked down from 
the little eminence he might have usurped, there will be no bounce 
up to him — for he can't jump, more than a mud-turtle ; — he must 
lie flat on his back and kick, like a squalling brat in a cradle. 
He may call on the angels of heaven for aid, as he sees them ho- 
ver over the mansions of the good, but they'll tell him to go te 
grass, and scrape acquaintance with Nebuchadnezzer — he maj 
call on dragons to rake him out of purgatory with their fire-hooks; 
but they won't hazzard their reputations for the sake of gaining 
such a damaged, worm-eaten pattern of the human figure. De- 
spised from above, hissed at from below, and shut out from be- 
tween, a poor mortal like him must crawl along the best way he 
can ; for T can't help him, unless he will be helped — so help me, 
shade of my reverend father ! 

My hearers : I don't mean that, in order to maintain a high el- 
evation, you should, like Jim Crow, be made of India-rubber ; but 
I do say that your moral functions should be composed of those 
ingredients that come the nearest to it, in point of elasticity. 
These are industry, temperance, honesty, brotherly kindness, and 
reciprocal love. By the aid of such astringents as those, you can 
undulate through life, as gently as the mildest wave that rocks it- 
self to sleep on the ocean's breast ; and the fairest zephyrs of 
happiness will fan the fevered brow of Care, till you arrive into 
the cool evenings of existence, where you will all be stricken to 
earth by the cudgel of Death — and then, with a single bound, 
spring upward to an eternal home, far above yon silver-winged 
clouds, which are now shining in the reflection of immortal splen- 
Uor beyond them. So mote it be! 



ON THE LOVE OF GAIN. 

Text. — Kill a mans family and he may brook it, 

ffi But keep your hands out of his breeches' pocket. 

Mt dear Hearers : If you haven't yet found it out, it is time foi 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 2(3 

you to know that I am the great X-pounder of anything that con- 
ains a moral. X stands for ten — therefore I am a ten-Dounder, 
,vhich is just the sort of gun 3^ou need to keep various kinds of 
devils from taking your hearts by storm. Just fire me off once a 
week, and if the enemy are not obliged to stand back, it will be 
because you don't give me ammunition enough to blaze away af 
I would, or raise a great smoke, at least. There is nothing, now 
a-days, like raising a smoke — to make folks believe you do some- 
thing, whether you do or not. You now and then come across a 
person who always raises such a smoke that you might take him 
to be a real volcano — a walking Vesuvius — at a short distance ; 
but when you come to examine him closely, he is nothing but a 
mere putf-ball. But what's the odds ? such a fellow is sure to 
glide down the path of life as sleek as a whistle — and that's what 
we are, after all. Smoke, my friends, deceives a great many. 
The British got pretty nicely sucked in, when our Dutch grand- 
daddies fell to smoking on the Battery, and concealed it beneath 
the clouds of tobacco fume. I saw a loafer, one frosty morning 
last winter, smoke a cigar three hours after the fire had gone out 
— the steam of his own breath looked so much like smoke that he 
didn't know the difference. The fact is, when a man says, ' 1 
knew by the smoke,' &c., you may take it for granted he don't 
know much about the matter, any way. But I've smoked enough 
— let me dip into the discourse. 

My text says that a man can easier put up with the murder of 
his whole family, than to have another man thrust his thieving 
digits into his pocket — cause why "? because his rhino lies there ; 
and his family might as well be manslaughtered at once, as to die 
for the want of that substance of things hoped for, which, in plain 
English, is called money — filthy lucre — the root of all evil — but 
which, after all, is the real stuflT to patch up the coai oi Poverty 
with — get grub — and procure for us happiness, and all the neces- 
saries, comforts and luxuries of life. But, my friends, you must 
go to work rightly and honestly to get money, if you wish to en- 
joy it. Don't jab your hand rashly into a man's breeches' pocket, 
because you may not get it out again without chafing some of the 
skin off. Just wait patiently, till it's forked over to you ; and then 
you can go on a spree at noDody's expense but your own. B«» 
pious — he r-oral — be industrious — always stick to my church- • 



264 SirjRT PATENT SERMON!. 

— and you never will lack the wherewith to carry you comftirta- 
bly over the mountains of such an Alpine existence as is allottfc 
to Uian. Avoid avarice as you would the itch — it blackballs the 
soul —freezes up the brooks of charity — putrifies all sympathy — 
and makes a man poor and despised with all his riches : in shon, 
it leaves nothinj^ of him but a jacket and trowsers, stuffed with 
venal chaflT and chopped up straw — a repjular-built scarecrow, it 
is said that the devil lies down in the miser's chest. Thai's as true 
as 'tis devilish — and when the old miser raises the lid to droji in a 
copper, the demon looks up with a grin, and say? : That's right, 
oltl cock — there isn't half enough yet — get more — keep a getting 
mort — and you and I will make a division one of these days 
Ves, there will be a division made, and the poor ricii man wil! ^e. 
a dose of feul])hur for his share, that will burn blue blazes iindei 
his no«e tiJJ the sunset of eternity! Only think how delightfjl 
that will be — for a man to sit in double jet darkness, from ever- 
lasting to clear beyond everlasting, and road over the eternal cal- 
ender of his miseries by a torch-light of brimstone and turpentine! 
0, it makes my knee-pans jerk to think of it ! 

My good-looking hearers! don't, for the love of self-mercy, 
barter away your souls for a few 'ollars ! for just as true as you 
make a bargain with the devil to this effect, you are gone goslings 
— for you will always be miserable here, and he will have his 
clutches on ytu hereafter, and no mistake. You can't cheat hiia 

you may read your Bibles wh.n your latter end comes, as .huch 

as you ple.ise, but it will be no go. You must recollect that when 
the - )evil to 3k Tom Walker, he carried off a small bible iii the 
pocket of poorToni. It is well known that Satiin always watches 
over buried gold ; and I want to restrain you from trying to get it 
for you can't do it without meeting wi.h the fate of poor Tom 
Walker. Yes you can. by this means only : invoke a cerla n .«]ii. 
ril that holds pow'er ovei the bevil himself — prove to ia that the 
money is to be distributed among the poor, and it will come lo 
your assistance, repeating these words : 

'I guide the pale moon's silver wagon, 
The winds in magic bon.is I hold ; 

I charm t sleep the crimson dragon. 
Who loves to watch o'er buried gold.' 

Very little money is ever obtained this way, howevei , foi thert 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 265 

10 a natural narrow-souied selfishness in the breast of nrjan that 
otten would prompt him (as a ^veste^n editor once remarko(0 tc 
steal a nigger's physic, were it not for the mere name ot it. My 
friends, you must prepare for the body as Well as for the fon! ; 
and, in order to do this genteely, you must be economical — Jen I 
justly by all — never rob your neighbor of his purse, his good 
name, his man-servant, his maid-servant, his ass, his wife, and 
neither seduce his daughters, nor throw stones at his dog. Bo 
always contented with enough, and thank Provideni.e for that. In 
a word, you must resort to no skin-flint parsimony, if you wish to 
be happy in ttie acquirement of earthly treasures, but be as saving 
as clrcunr.stances will permit, and get all you can honestly. 
Have charity for the sufferings of your fellow creatures — for 
there is no preventing sickness and sore toes — they will come 
upon the just and the unjust. Be kind to one another — have a 
holy affection for the female sex — support me and my cause, and 
don't make wry faces when the contribution box comes round. 
Final I}', pack up your treasures for transportation to a better 
world, where thieves don't break through and steal, and where no 
pick-pockets are found to make business for Old Hays. So mote 
it be. 



ON THE SPIRIT OF DECAY — ITS EFFECTS ON BEAUTt. 

Text. — Flowers ! sweet flowers ! ye must cease to bloom, 
And expire embalmed in your own perfume; 
E'en your last red blossoms are braided now 
In the garlands wreaihed for the young briJe's brow. 

My dear Hearers : I believe I have before sa-d, that where two 
or three were gathered together in the name of Dow, Jr., there 
would 1 alway.^ be in the midst of ihem : and so I will, as long hs 
T am permitted by Providence to stand up, and tell all I know(,ini 
perhaps a little more) about man in a state of moral nu-iiiv — ex 
pose the ugly mug of Vice, rig Virtue up in the best of iSunday 
go-to-meetings, and show to every one the frailty, vanity, enipti 
n<»ss, notningness and slipperiness of life. Instead ot se..n<^ not 
more than one or so, gathered together, I behold thojsan'Js aromul 
me ; and I truly believe that there is not one among you zil^ bit 
o 



S66 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

is every way worthy of me and my patent principles. I intef>cl| 
in this discourse, merely to remind you, that the stoutest one 
among you will soon wilt down and die, as well as the blooming 
fljwers of the field. There's no mistake about it; there isn't a 
turnip which I see in the whole heap of humanity before me but 
will soon become pithy by age, shrivelled up by time, and worm- 
eaten by death. Yes, my beloved friends ! everything belonging 
to this circumvolutionary world is perishable and perishing. If 
you don't feel it in your bones, take a look over the broad phiz 
of creation, and be satisfied — ^just walk by the way-side — every 
dry leaf that rattles, and every stick that cracks beneath your 
feet, tells you in plain English that a spirit of decay is abroad in 
the land ; and no one can escape it, though he were to straddle a 
streak of lightning, and put spurs for the very outskirts of time. 
The cradle of Spring is first rocked upon the grave of Winter, 
and blue-nosed Boreas first sings hush-a-by-baby to its frettings. 
It is soon surrounded with the green leaves of youth, and buds 
of promise protrude in every direction. Summer comes, and 
everything looks as lovely and blooming as a young bride just 
passing the equator of maidenhood and matrimony ; but, my 
friends, it is not so in Autumn — a change has taken place — blight 
and mildew are kissing all the paint away from the cheek of Sum- 
jner — all creation looks sickly — the flowers are dying of consump- 
tion — the meadows and fields are sick with the yellow jaundice — 
the rivers look down at the mouth, and the hills have the blues. 
Thus we see how soon all things pretty and fair must fade, die 
and dissolve The handsomer a thing is, the shorter lived it is. 
The loveliest rose that ever bloomed in a lady's bower, wears the 
seeds of disease in its cheek, and droops to earth much sooner 
than the hardier and homelier mountain flower, which is formed 
to brave the storm and breast the rudest winds of Autumn. So it 
IS, my hearers, with us mortals rn the flesh. The more beautiful 
tnat carnal lump of sin, called woman, is, the more subject it is 
to the desolating ravages of decay. Handsome men are also the 
moBt CiVanescent : they are cut off in the pride of manhood, and 
their petals of beauty are wrapped up, and laid in the dark cave 
of death, to decompose and return to their kindred mould. I ne- 
ver had the vanity to brag of outward magnifieence mysell but 
just turn me wrong side out, and I shall stand a bright and shining 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 267 

Harht, surrounded by the thickest darkness of sin and moral de- 
pravity. The plainness of exterior causes me to carry a big bun- 
dle of cares, ills and perplexities over the hard hills of age, with- 
out sweating, grunting, or even stopping to rest on the road. I 
expect that when I lie down on the bed of death, I shall feel 
only a little bit sleepy — give a quiet yawn, stretch out my legs, 
turn over, and roll gently into the grave, calmly, peacefully and 
happily; there to lie with the sweetest of roses starting from my 
pillow, till I am aroused by the horn of Immortality. 

My dear hearers : every object around us is as fleeting as a flock 
of pigeons. Behold those beautiful flowers that variegate the 
meadows, and fill the air with sweeter odors than ever impregnated 
the breath of happy gods after having made way with a dish of 
ambrosial soup ! They, frail objects of beauty, can't last long — 
they are sporting on their own tombs— every dew-drop which the 
winds shake from their petals, falls down to moisten the clay 
which is soon to cover over them. They shall cease to bloom ere 
a few short months have passed away. Old King Frost will 
shortly implant frozen kisses on their delicate lips, and commit 
violence upon their frail beauty. They shall die amid their own 
delightful odors, even as a skunk dieth in the midst of unsmell- 
able perfume, when pelted by the stones of a beligerent foe. 
They shall lie embalmed in their own incense, like unto the body 
of said skunk, while undergoing the philosophical, mysterious and 
metaphysical changes of dissolution ; even, also, as the nectar of 
hope and the otto of memory surround the sepulchres of the de- 
parted just. You, my dear friends, young and old — you of the 
gentlemen sex — you will soon be cut down by the sickle of death, 
and all the odors of cavendish and camphor that now vivify your 
OIL-FACTORIES musl Vanish forever. You, young ladies — you who 
are thriving like squash vines, and blooming like roses — you, too, 
shall be crushed down, like a violet beneath the traveller's foot, 
and expire in the midst of your lavender, your rose-water, your 
nutmeg, your cinnamon, your hartshorn, and all such church-^'o- 
ing essences. [That young doctor by the po^t will die of his owil 
perfume, unless he can stand it better than I can.] 

My dear hearers: the most acceptable fragrance that ever as. 
cended to the throne of Heaven is that which is emitted from a 
piou«, virtuous, noiicst and guileless heart. Therefore, let me ask 



268 SHORT PATENT SERMONS 

of you all to bedeck your moral characters with such flowers at 
exhale that kind of sweetness which makes glad the licarta of 
Raints iL the regions of the blest. So mole it be 1 



ON THE VICISSITUDES OF LIFE. 

Text. — Gently has Time matured my fruitful years, 

Though grief oftwhile hath wrought me much annoy. 

In the cold grave, with many bitter tears, 
I laid the head of my warm-liearted boy; 

And from my side a tenderer friend was torn, \ 

Leaving the withered tree, of leaf and bud all shorn. 

Mv Friends: I am growing old. The ever-flapping wing ^f 
Time is fast brushing off all the silver, with which it has seen fit 
to cover my head. Yes — every day a white hair falls to the 
ground, reminding me that, inch by inch, poor mortality must slope 
away. I have been whittled down to a mere whittling; and the 
last chip is about ready to drop. I am pack-saddled with a load 
of years, which I would gladly shake ofl, and be young again, 
were it only for the fun of the thing — but such a wish is without 
a core — vain and empty. AVhen my old coat gives evidence of 
decay, I can get it scoured and mended — a superannuated pair of 
boots can find renovation in the lap of the cobbler — but when the 
body grows the worse for wear, no mortal hand can stay its de- 
struction. Time has used me pretty well, however, considering 
the liberties I have sometimes taken with it. It has gently brought 
me to tne calm evening of my days, where life's second twilight 
gattiers round, and, as it deepens, discloses the hand-writing upon 
the wall of the west : 

'A fair to-morrow for the weary pilgrim.' 
I have not descended, my friends, into a gloomy vale. Not a bit 
of It. I have reached the summit of a glorious hill, where the 
eternal sun of Hope shines down and warms my back, as an otT- 
eet to tne chill winds that whistle in my bosom. Here I can 
mount a stump and look over the whole landscape of past exist* 
ence. I can point to the dim blue horizon, and say, There, be- 
hiiiu that misty veil, lies the region of infancy, where I first peck- 
e(' ihe sueil, and came squalling into the world with an eloquence 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 2ti& 

<hat foretold my future calling: a little this side I behold the 
bloom iii*^ garden of childhood, in all its pristine loveliness, where 
1 pUiciu'd the roses or joy, sucked all the pwcol cider of life, 
mocked at care, and drove sorrow away wii^ a single boo-hoo : 
ihis si.ie of ilial arc the green pastures of vouih, over which I 
tounded v\ith the blood of young ambition boiling in my veins, 
striving to imitate and emulate: nearer stiH, extend the broad 
plains, fertile valleys, nigged hills and wooded lawns ot manhood, 
with an extensive varie'.y of prospect — here a gleam of sunshine, 
and ihere a gloomy shade : the mountain's brow upon which I 
stand basking and shivering, is that of age, which has never yet 
been pressed by the feet of young adventurers on the exploring 
expeilition of life. Now, my hearers, as I take a retrospective 
gquint over the vast prospect around me, all for the most part 
seems decked with the robe of beauty. Only here and there can 
I discover a barren spot of regret: and past sorrow has left but a 
few blemishes upon the landscape. There is one spot, though, 
that always looks dark and gloomy to me. The owl sits hooting 
iheie — there the night-raven flaps his sable wings and croaks — and 
there the turkey-Lu/zard, grief, continually hovers over the sod 
that covers my poor perished rib. Alas! there she lies! a beau- 
tiful flower, now trodden in the dust! — a rose that I wore in my 
bosom, nor cast it aside even when the mildew of death had rested 
upon it. She was faultless to a fault, and inflicted with but one 
failing : she would drink tea too strong for human nature to bear. 
I often gave her a friendly dose of admonition, with tears in my 
eves ; but it was of no use — she would continue to TEA-tolal it 
till her delicate nerves became unstrung, and then the jig was soon 
lip with her. Yes, my friends, yonder is the spot where Mrs. Dow 
upset her corporeal teapot; and there, too, my little boy — the very 
image of his daddy — crepi under the sod, and hid himself forever 
from my doating eyes ! leaving me a withered old tree, stript of 
every leaf and bud, and half torn up by the roots. When I fall, 
1 hope to sprout again — that is, if they don't make fire- wood of 
me ; and I'm rather of a poor stick for that ! 

My dear friends: some of you will, one of these days, be old, 
and then you will know all about it. Death's blossoms will deck 
your pales, and your spectacles will need wiping as well as mine 
but don't you think that you will then take things as easy I di' 



/TO SHORT PATFNT SERMONS. 

because it is a moral improbability, unless you begin now to walk 
the chalk of soberness, and get a v.rtuous footland at the begin- 
ning. Only act right up to the rules of decency and propriety, 
and you w 11 find that all the bitter herbs of this life put forth 
llov.'ers of happiness, and that the thorns which overspread this 
fair earth of ours won't scratch your legs much, as you wind along 
up the steep hill of age. Then, when you have done up the little 
chores of life, and have closed the great volume of its pilgrimage, 
you will find that glory hallows the declining age of man, equal 
in brightness to the glory that lingers round the setting sun of 
Autumn. So mote it be ! 



ON REJ.IGIOUS DISSEMBLING 



Text. — In Islington there was a man, 

Of whom the world might say, 
That still a godly race he ran 
Whene'er he went to pray. 

Very respectable Hearers : Islington is not the only seaport o» 
land town that contains such silver-washed ornaments to the 
christian religion as the one mentioned above. We find them 
wherever we go — they're around us just as thick as hemp and 
grass-hoppers, only we don't always distinguish them from the 
real Simon Pure ; but all we have to do is to give them a little 
scratch with the thumb-nail, and then it's easy enough to tell what 
stuff they are made of. These fellows get down on their marrow 
bones, and make long prayers just for a show off; but they 
couldn't pray at all, if they hadn't it all cut and dried beforehand. 
I've seen them get boggled before now, right in the middle of a 
prayer, because they wanted to vary it, and hadn't the gumption 
to do the thing nicely. I once knew an old farmer up in Connec- 
ticut, who might be set down as a fair specimen of the whole batch 
of these cunning dogs, who lick the outside of the platter. He 
used to pray in his family every morning, as regular as the teapot 
was emptied; but, while offering up his thread-bare petition, one 
eye was singled to the glory of the Lord, and the other to matters 
nearer home. On one occasion, as he drew nis big arm-c.^iair 
k»Tei which he had been devoutly leaning) to the casement, ht 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 271 

cast his eyes out of the window, and ere his hunnhle prayer had 
risen higher than the chimney top, exclaimed, in the fullness of hj? 
beart, There — there — run, John ! them d — d hogs are all in the 
mowin agin! Here, my hearers, was one of your true men ui Is 
lington. He ran a godly race whene'er he went to pray ; but at 
any other time his race consisted in licking the devil around the 
Etump. The coat of religion won't fit these deformed bt.ings, any 
how you can fix it : it wrinkles in the back — cuts under the arms 
— sits awkwardly, and won't bear wetting. If I had my way, I'd 
strip every rag of hypocrisy from their backs, and leave nothing 
on them but the mere shirt of honesty, which the Lord knows 
would be a thin covering. Their show of piety is only to hel{ 
them along smoothly through this world. It makes them appeal 
upright, just and equitable; but I do positively assert, that the 
man who thus counterfeits religion, for the sake of the world, 
would not hesitate to steal a sheep's head and pluck from a pau- 
per's hovel. They will offer their spurious coin at the gate of 
Heaven, but it will be no go — can't go in with that shilling. Ai< 
my venerable father, who is now numbered with the dead, once 
observed — they burn out their candles in the service cf the Devil, 
and then throw the wick in the Almighty's face. 

Dearly beloved brethren : don't, for the sake of common hon 
esty, profess any more than you possess ! take a pattern after me : 
be frank — be honest — speak your minds on all occasions — tell the 
truth and shame the lawyers. The young buck who was refused 
admission into the church, deserved credit for his sincerity, when 
he said it made no difference to him, for he could go and enlist into 
the troop. It has been said that an honest man is the noblest 
work of God ; some say a pretty woman is. Be that as it may, I 
believe my congregation is pretty nearly of the right stamp- - 
though a little is yet lacking. I came among you to preach, wicl: - 
out script, and an empty purse. Just fork over a few coppe..'^ 
more, and then if I don't ladle you out a mess of good pottage, i'. 
will be because your dishes are all bottom upwards. I ha>- • u 
fondness for you all ; and a deep affection for the souls of tho3e 
young ladies in that back seat yonder. I have too freq"cntly no- 
ticed the smiles of levity upon their countenances : their eyea a:e 
oftener turned to the young men at their right, than upon mu. J 
cannot see these buds ot purity contaminated: their immor^.&i 



272 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

parts are too Deantiful and tender to be exposed to the chill wircTa 
of the world. I have hopes for them yet. You, young gentle- 
njen. who are now leaving the flowery lawns of youth, to critvr 
tlic green bowers of manhood —I warn you never to disseinbl? ; 
life with yo'i is now a reality, and death will become so, scv.'^r 
or later. Avoid hypocri.s3- — shun vice — couit virtue — and le. ^.'^^ 
man of Islington go to Halifax. You, old men — who are sca'.tc.-- 
ing white hairs upon the grave — whose feet totter — whose cyrcs 
grow dim — bear with me for a short time longer, while I prep.^ie 
for you a downy bed, so that you may lie down and rest in ever- 
lasting peace. So mote it be ! 



ON FORTITUDE. 

Text. — Nvmph of the rock ! whose dauntless sp'rit braves 

The beating storm, and bitter winds that hnwl 
Round thy cold breast: and hear'st the bui sting waves 

And the deep thunder with unshaken soul ; 
come ! and show how vain the rares that press 

On my weak bosom, and how litiie worth 
Is the false, fleeting meteor. Happiness. 

That still misleads the wanJeiers of the earth. 

My Hkarers: There is nothing like fortitude, in these ha-rd tirucs 
especially, to throw stiffening into the spiiit of man, and enable it 
to bear up the fifty-sixes of affliction, poverty, disappointment, 
and the ten thousand minor vexations that flesh claims cousinship 
with. It's the main pillar to the wimJ-rocked castle of bunion 
happiness. I know it is, from experience — and the expeiience of 
an old veteran in the hard battles of life is not lo be sneezed at by 
the young and volatile. I have been oftentimes bound to the stake 
of misfortune, and had the faggots of misery kindled around me ; 
and had I not been rendered fire-proof by fortitude, I should long 
ago have flatted down, like a slice of cheese on a hot gridiron. 
Although these fiery trials have sometimes caused the gravy to 
start from the pluck, the heart, my dear fnends, has always re 
mained unscorched. When the long, low, rakish, black-looking 
Bchooner, Affliction, fir*.t left her moorings in Hell-gate, oi her pi- 
ratical cruise, the good ship Fortitude spread her white «ails to the 
(aii brsezes of heaven, crossed the havsn of tranquilityi aac 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 278 

poured in such a broadside as to cause her to sheer off with a leaky 
hull, and the loss of her jib. She is partially conquered, bul not 
captured. She is yet upon the high seas of man's existence, lying 
in wait for the weaker craft, and intent upon plunder. To drop 
all nautical metaphor, fortitude, my hearers, is just the stuff to 
support a body under all the trials and adversities that fall to the 
lots of us poor miserable mortals. No matter where you may 
happen to pitch your tent of fortune, witl it you are always safe. 
It warms the heart of the forlorn Greenlander, as he sits shivering 
amid the eternal snows of the arctic, where the sun freezes up for 
eix long months on a stretch ; it brings refreshing draughts to the 
lips of the weary wanderer over the burning sands of Africa- 
infuses new liie into his soul, while Hope adds an O. K. to hit 
condition: it affords contentment to the indigent squatter of the 
West, whose home is surrounded by briars, bears, Indians and 
Brandon shinplasters : it blunts the edge of ridicule, pulls out the 
«tings of poverty, saws off the bills of mosquitoes, paints up the 
ugiy phiz of Fear, smoothes down the wrinkled front of Care, and 
helps a man pay hie debts. Fortitude endures fong and accom- 
plishes much — slow but sure — as ifi testified by the executive 
^hair of the good old state of Massachusetts, Its ex-occupant, 
my friends, had suffered long, endured much, and came being 
pretty nearly used up ; but by dint of patience, perseverance and 
fortitude, he at last made out to paddle his empty fifteen gallon 
cask up the creek of democracy, and finally succeeded in bringing 
the striped pig to a fine rr.arket. I* only mention this by way of 
showing what fortitude, well stuck to, is capable of producing j 
because it is a most singular circumstance — inasmuch as fortitude, 
generally speaking, has no more effect on politics than the bible 
has on a steamboat boiler ; and all for the very reason that politi- 
cians, at the present day, are for the most part too tee-totally de- 
void of virtue, and unpracticed in the mere rudiments of comrnoa 
honesty. 

(). my dear friends, you must live soberly, morally, virtuously, 
and abhor vice in every shape, or you never can possess fortitude 
enough to meet a single ill with any assurance of victory. Per- 
haps you may wonder why 1 don't oftener speak to you about re- 
ligion. That isn't in my line — I leave that to those who go about 

oreaching for money, contrary to the command and example of 
18 



274 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

him jn whose footsteps they pretend to tread : but there is lellpion 
"n all 1 say — and if you will only practice according to my pre- 
cepts, yoa will need no better. It answers every purpose — is good 
enough to live by, and will do, on a pinch, to die by. I preach 
up strict virtue ; and if there is no religion in virtue, then there ia 
Lo virtue in religion. Therefore, do as I recommend, and prepare 
in the heart a good foundation for fortitude, by lining its bottom 
with genuine moral principles ; for fortitude, when mixed up with 
a little faith, acts on the high pressure system in working won- 
ders. It is, as my text says, the nymph of the rock, whose un- 
daunted spirit braves the beating storm of woe, and the bitter 
winds of affliction that howl round its cold breast ; it hears the 
bursting waves, and the deep thunder, without caring a copper; it 
shows how insignificantly vain and juothingfied are those insect 
cares that pat against the windows of the heart ; and how litile 
worth is the false fleeting meteor, happiness — that happiness which 
leads so many foolish children of mortality astray. To conclude, 
let me beseech of yea to collect a good quantity of fortitude — not 
merely enough to carry you through the troubles and trials of 
another week, till we meet again, but sufficient to hold out till we 
part forever. So mote it be ! 



ON YOUTHFUL LOVE. 

« 

Text. — 0, the days are gone, when beauty bright 
Its heart-chain wove — 
When all my dreams, from morn till night, 
Were love, still love ! 

My Hearers : I don't know how you feel on this subject — but i 
must confess, it sets this rusty old heart of mine a-leaking consid- 
erably, to think of the days when I was young, happy and buoy- 
ant — of the time when my breast contained a genial soil for the 
flowers of love to take root, bud and blossom in. But those days 
are gone — for ever gone ! They shot by like a steamboat that 
cleaves the peaceful w^ave, and leaves a train of billows behind. 
My bosom is fast becoming a barren waste ; its blossoms have all 
decayed, and a few thorns and thistles have sprung up in tlieil 
pi?"*. The vogetation upon my cranium has been nipped by the 



fHORT PATENT SERMONS. 275 

frosts of age ; and the ola reaper, Time, will soon take the whole 
swod into his garner. To reflect on the enjoyment of the past 
and dwell on the present, makes me feel amazing juicy round the 
ritals : it sets all the pumps of sympathy to work — and you must 
excuse these childish tears that force their way through the visual 
aqueducts, and hasten down the worn channels of my cheek — for 
I can't help it ; they will come — and I might as well think of 
damming up the Mississippi with a brush fence, as to try to stop 
them. I was once young, and loved all the girl genus with ths 
tallest kind of girl-anthropy. They wove a chain that bound my 
heart in a bondage of bliss ; and it was partly on their account 
that I took up preaching — for I thought it better that ninety and 
nine of my fellow men should suffer, than let one of these lovely, 
beautiful, angelic beings, be cast down and trampled upon by the 
iron-shod demons of vice. The old roots of affection are still 
left within me; and since the boisterous waves of passion have 
subsided, the moral faculties predominate — and I now set myself 
up as an eradicptor of evil — a corrector of error — a refrigerator 
of boiling wrath — a thermometer of feeling— a defender of the 
faith — and protector-in-chief of the women ! 

My young hearers : I have a few words to say to you. Listen ' 
You are now in the season of life when the heart is filled with the 
fondest of delights. Your dreams from morn till night may be 
said to be nothing but love, still love ; and it gives me a supera- 
bundance of joy to know and experience, even now, the sensa- 
tions that fill your breasts, while reveling in the sweets of natural 
affection. You are always happy, and still expect to be happier. 
Sparkling eyes, blooming cheeks, ruby lips, and slender waists, 
are ever depicted before you, and your whole souls are wrapped 
up in the silken fabric of love. But, my young friends, you must 
be cautious of your steps — the flowers from which you gather the 
honey grow among brambles ; and if you rush headlong into the 
thicket, look sharp, or you'll get scratched a few. I've seen a fly 
light upoii a molasses cup — dive rashly down to the fountain, and 
kick the bucket on the very surface of all its desires. I've seen 
a thoughtless moth flutter round the alluring blaze, till it scorched 
Its wings, and still continued to 'court the fatal fire,' till it fell a 
victim to its own recklessness. In pursuing the jack-o'-lantern 
love, you are likely to be led into the swamps and marshes ; and 



276 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

§ome «f tnefse. slough holes are more miry than the cat-tail .nea 
dows of Jersey, in April ; and heaven knows they are not firm 
enough to bear up the weight of a foolish man's argument. If 
you w'ish to get through the mazes of love nicely, smoothly and 
happily, you must sip lightly of its sweets, and not get drunken 
with its pleasures — be an admirer rather than a partaker of every 
fruit that grows in its garden — and, above all, fix upon some par- 
ticular object to love, cherish and admire, so that when you enter 
the more shady walks of matrimony, joined hand to hand and 
heart to heart with the partner of your bosom, you can look back 
with fond regrets upon the days that are gone, and at the same 
time, be happy in the midst of connubial joys. That's the case 
with me — only my wife has been dead these ten years. , 

My hearers, one and all — Love, Peace and Harmony are the 
triune sisters that administer all the comforts of this world, and 
are given by Providence to conduct us quietly through life. The 
first scatters roses along our path — the second brings us anodyne 
to soothe distress — and the third plays an air that we can march 
by and never be weary. We must all love one another, an 1 dwell 
in perfect unison. Let us have no wi angling among us — .ve will 
leave that for politicians ; but as they say, let us do — give a pull, 
a long pull, a strong pull, and a pull all together — and we wiU 
certainly make a raise sufficient to supply all wants and necessi- 
ties, when the days of beauty are gone, and when the time draws 
nigh for us to emigrate to a better and happier land. So mote it 
be! 



Text. — think of the miseries to which ye give birth, 

Ye cold-hearted statesmen — unknowing a scar ! 
Who, from pictured saloon, or the bright sculptured hearth, 
Disperse desolation and death through the earth, 
When ye let loose the demons of war. 

ftli Dear Friends: Wha; do you know about war ? Did you 
ever shoulder arms, and march to the battle field, with a firm reso- 
lution to return with the trophy of victory, or lie down in the arms 
of death, covered *vilh the laurels of the brave 1 Did you ev«i 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 277 

j^rapple with the famished war-dogs that howl over the fleshlp«« 
bones of the slain, and are furious to lap the warm blood of mar 
tyrs in the blest cause of freedom 1 If you nev^er did, you know 
precious little about the horrors of war, I tell ye ! I know weli 
enough that you are no more acquainted with the fighting-cock 
and tear-to-pieces dispositions of Mars and Bellona than I am with 
the pyrotechnic arts of the Evil One. No — my friends! you are 
fattening on the nuts of liberty, that are abundantly scattered over 
the soil which your ancestors have enriched with their blood— 
you sit under your own vine, and your own fig tree, sipping the 
wine of pleasure, eating the bread of peace, with a clear sky above 
and no snakes in the grass to bite the naked heel of independence 
You hear of wars and rumors of war — but what odds does that 
make so long as the pestilential scourge is not driven to our shores 
by the blasts of conflicting nations ? It is a glorious sight, my 
friends, to see the proud bird of liberty soaring over, and looking 
down upon, a nation, happy, free and prosperous, with the olive 
branch of peace in his talons ! I venerate the American eagle- 
his head, like my own, has grown bald in watching over a na 
tion's weal. I respect him none the less because England deno 
minates him a big turkey-buzzard, watching the best interests of 
America, as a cat does a mouse. Let me ask, what has England 
to boast of ? She has her Queen Victoria — and who is Queen 
Victoria ? — and what does she know about war 1 — as much as 
she, or any other girl does about managing the affairs of govern- 
ment — and that's just e'enamost nothing at all. She isn't half so 
pretty as the girl who does my ironing; and I don't believe she 
knows a terrible sight more — if she is married to the hat and cloak 
of a prince. Yet she is placed on a throne of crimson ana scar- 
let, embroidered with silver and gold, around which fools and sy- 
cophant courtiers gather to pay homage to a girl, who is as 
big a fool as themselves if she doesn't henpeck the whole king- 
dom. I say her subjects are fools, becauw they lack common 
sense, with all their boasted enlightenment. They know well 
enough that man is ordained by heaven to be the head of woman ; 
jind yet they place a sill} girl upon the throne to oversee those 
who do that kind of work which she don't know anything about 
— ana it was never intended she should ! It makes me sick to 
Uiink abf ut such stupidity. Did Eve order Adam about in the 



278 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

pirden of Eden ? No. Do men, when they lay cut cities and 
project canals, ask the advice of some pretty girl ^ No. Then 
why will some rob a female of all moral loveliness by turning her 
cut of her proper sphere, and clothing her with those attributej 
which becc me a man, but degrade a woman 1 If John BulJ, how 
ever, has a mind to let Queen Victoria wear his breeches, it's nunc 
of my bread and butter. Let her go ahead; but depend upon it. 
^hat if grim-visaged war walks into her affections, there will be 
i cry among the people, like that of the fabled frogs, for Jupitei 
to send them a ruler, who has real power, as well as imaginary 
influence. A lot of sea-gulls idly flapping around the thrones of 
monarchies, portend evil; but when we see the courageous eagle 
extending his broad pinions over a thriving republic, we have no- 
thing to fear, ft was not so with Rome — her unhappy bird sat 
forever perched upon a pole, with its wings closed, and calmly 
looked down on the death struggle of liberty, without raising a 
feather in its behalf. It never spread its wings to the fair winds 
of freedom, but remained sad and motionless; and, at last, v/as 
borne into exile, with Napoleon, its capturer — where it sickeneo 
and died, on the sea-beaten rock of St. Helena ! 

My beloved hearers : my voice is very still for war, but loua 
for peace. There is no use in our going to war, and killing each 
other, like a parcel of bed-bugs ; for we shall die in season to 
make room for more. When death and destruction sweep like a 
hurricane across the land — when our daughters are hunted down, 
like innocent hares, by the hell-hounds of war — when the spoiler 
comes to ravish our homes, sow tares in our wheat, cast our bread 
to the dogs, and play the deuce with our ducks — then, my broth- 
len, it may be all fun to the statesmen, but death to us. [Vide 
frogs, again.] Don't fight, my dear friends, so long as you can 
help it — but when you do come to the scratch, go it strong ! let 
the pluck predominate! go it on the steam principle — beat or 
Vurst ! If you beat, glory and honor are yours ; — if you burst, 
you have the honor, without the glory, of sacrificing life for the 
sake of your country, homes, wives, children and sweethearts. 
On the second, sober thought, my friends, I'll advise you not to 
fight at all. It's unchristianly ungentlemanly and beastly, Re- 
memb tr, Satan once showed fignt in the boundless saloon of hea- 
ven- -and the consequence was, he got kicked out, into a region 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 279 

of double-distilled darkness. I assert, that an affectioudte wife 
had much better be des ittite of a home, and wander with hei hus- 
band over the desert of penury, than to have h m kick the bucket 
and die in providing for her comfort. 

I know that cold, unfeeling statesmen, who have never known 
a »car, would oftentimes be glad to see the demons of war laying 
waste our fair gardens of prosperity, reckless of their blood-stained 
tracks and the horrors they leave behind. They would delight in 
taking Monsieur Tonson by the moustachios, or in poking sticks 
at Victoria's pet monkey, if they could raise a breeze by it. But, 
my hearers, let statesmen go on as they please — we are determined 
to dwell in peace and amity — we have saluted each other with a 
friendly kiss, and shaken hands with surrounding nations We 
have swept the seeds of war into a single corner — Florida — and 
she will shake herself, by and by, as a lion shaketh his niane, an<^ 
bury all her troubles in the Atlantic wave. Improvement ij fol- 
lowing the pioneer, Peace, and working wonders throughout the 
land; and if we can only stick together, like brothers and slsteis, 
we shall yet become a touch above the vulgar — and nc mistake. 
I'd like to have you, my little flock, set a pattern for the whole 
nation. Be united — have no quarreling — less fighting ; if a man 
calls you a fool, call him a gentleman — give a kiss for a blow, un- 
less it's a rouser — be moral, virtuous, pious, and especially encou- 
rage matrimony ; so that, in times of peace and plenty, tillers of 
the ground may not be lacking, after the reaper, Death, has gath- 
ered his annual harvest into the grave. So mote it be ! 



ON THE MECHANISM OF THE BODY. 



Text. — Man's body's like a house : his greater bones 
Are the main timber; and the lesser ones 
Are smaller joints: his ribs are laths daubed o'er, 
Plastered with flesh and blood; his mouth's the aoor, 
His throat's the narrow entry, and his heart 
Is the great chamber, full of curious art. 

Relovei) Hearers : Perhaps you never scraped a particular ac- 
quaintance with the thought that every mother's son of you are 
locomotive houses, or buildings of some kind or other. Well, it'« 
■ust as true as my name is Dow. Some folks are walking pal:i(r!H 



280 SHOUT PATENT SERMONS. 

— such as are handsome, well painted, look showy, and live in 
hip:h grass: some are common dwellings — such as look and dress 
plain, don't pretend to much, and are content with almost any kind 
of food, from bean porridge up to fried eels : some are mere ho- 
vels — such as are out of cash, out of doors, and outai the eibow^s, 
down at the mouth, down at the heel, and who beat along, head 
horizontal, through the cold storms of poverty. Some are grog 
shops — such as nnake small beer buts, wine pipes, gin casks and 
brandy bottles of themselves. There are too many of these tra- 
velling porter-houses going about now-a-days ; but they can't keep 
open long — Death will soon shut 'em up, and stick ' To Let, In- 
quire Below,' on their shells. 

Some people are temples, consecrated to holiness, in which Con- 
science preaches truth, morality, and the doctrine of Do as you'd 
be done by — ^just as I do, most gratuitously gratis. I feel a little 
«pruce, myself, about being one of these living temples; and I 
dcn't mean that any but the family of Virtue shall ever find a pew 
in its walls. I know the old building begins to totter some — but, 
thank Heaven, it leans to the right side ! When Death knocks 
oat my underpinning, I mean to fall (if I can) like the walls of a 
burning house — away from the flames. I wish you would all 
look out for your shanties in the same way. Remember they ara 
not insured. 

Now, my friends, allow me to explain how the human body is 
likened to a house. My text does this. It says that the big bones 
are the main timbers — very true. It says, also, the ribs are laths, 
•well plastered ; but I should say they were rafters, that run into 
the ridge-pole, or back-bone. The mouth is the door, and the 
nose is the chimney — especially for smokers. The throat is the 
entry that leads to the kitchen of the stomach, where all sorts of 
lood is cooked up : the lungs are the bellows that blow the flame 
of life, and keep the pot of existence boiling : the heart is the 
great chamber, where the greatest variety of goods imaginable are 
stored — some good, many bad, and a few kinder middling. In this 
way, my hearers, you see the house of the human body is formed ; 
and since it is a house of no small value, you ought to be careful 
of it — keep it well swep^ and dusted, and never let the cobwebs 
of sin gather in tlA corners of its apartments. The gable-end of 
It should never front the street, neither should its two windowi 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 281 

look out upon the swamps of vice. But, my friends, 1 beiesLn 
yoa to look after the great chamber of the heart, Jind ce?, '.nM 
everythinj^ there is arranged according to the very letter c/ :no;al- 
tty. If there is any useless rubbisb there, clear it out to make 
rooTi for goods that are saleable ii the markets of the vi *tuous. 
The chambers of some hearts present an awful dirty appes-iance! 
r ohould like to walk into them with a bran new broom — the way 
I'd brush out sin, and san»I the floor with piety, would astonish 
church members. 

Belcfed brethren : the hccirt is truly a depository for both good 
and evil, but it should be the sanctum of purity— and, for my 
part, I don't see the necessity of having so much trash deposited 
there, as is apt to be the case. I never can admire j)eop]e who are 
eternally bragging about what is contained in the temples of their 
hearts, and, at the same time, keep its doors closed as tight as a 
ballot-box. Just let them open the doors of frankness, let me 
take a squint therein, and I can tell whether their moral property 
is what it's cracked up to be, in two shakes of a fiddler's elbow. 
Give me the heart that is free to the inspection of man, as well as 
to the eye of Heaven — one fhat is well stored with the fruits of 
honesty, the gems of piety, and the elixir of love — but keep clear 
with those that are filled with the tears of deceit, the poisoned ar- 
rows of calumny, and the Devil's death-drops. I think the heart 
of woman naturally contains a good quantity of simplicity (a first 
rate recommendation), though she is obliged to allow cunning guile 
to lodge there, in order to come it over, nicely, the rascally designs 
of man. For all this, it is a palace strewn with flowers, wheie 
the little funny god, Cupid, conceals himself in his rosy castle, 
and lets fly an arrow at the unconscious visitor, which, as soma 
poet says, tickles mightily while it wounds. It's hard to take his 
fortress by storm — a few ladles of soft soap have been knocked 
down to gain so important a victory 

Now, my hearers, do look out for your frail tenements, and see 
that they do not become worm-eaten through sin ; for the time will 
'.ome soon enough when the timbers shall fail — the windows be 
darkened — tne doors closed, and the fires extinguished. Then 
may the spir/t tha^ inhabits it be prepared for a snugger and mo# 
comfortable abode, where the rent will be required in advance- - 
extending from everlasting to everlasting. So mote it be! 



5n4 SHORT PATEXT C3?c:.IC-N3. 

ON THE MILITIA SYSTEM. 

T«AT,.--Tl.e Comn.andant of Brigade feels an assjinncc t.iat 'l In 
o.ily p.ecessary to fully protnulgate, to his command, the faTl 
tpst the main arm of city defence are to exhibit to the Cojt;- 
r/it::idef-in-Chief the united forces of the infantry of the city^ 
5.nd a proper esprit de corps will prevail, from the rank and 
5ie up to the highest in command, and cause each coips to 
sustain the character of the citizen-soldier, enrolled under thft 
freeman's banner. And as uniformity always adds to the ap- 
pearance of the ununiformed co:f:, it is recommended that the 
rank and file appear in dark cou.o j^id light pantaloons on the 
day of general parade. — [Militia Notice. 

Ffllow Sol 1 beg ten thousand pardons — I mean my worthy 

hearers ! — You must excuse me, this time, for selecting a text in 
plain prose. I'm not in the habit of doing it, but the importance 
of the subject renders it absolutely necessary that somebody of 
about my weight and wind should say or do something in its be- 
half ; and though I am too old myself to do military duty, yet I 
feel as patriotic as ever — and, even now, sliould the w^orst come to 
the '//orstest, dang my pulpit if I wouldn't shoulder my muskei, 
and "wade up to the conjunction of my trowsers' legs in biooa, 
fiooner than see one inch of the soil that gave me birth and free- 
dom violated by an invading foe ! Them's my sentiments, my 
friends — and yours ought to be of the same pattern. Love or 
country is an natural as the love that exists between the sexes — 
and as none but the brave deserve the fair, and a faint heart never 
wins fair lady — so none but the pluckiest of the pluckitied is 
qualified to defend his country from the encroachment of aggres- 
sors. My friends — you must all have hard currency sufficient in 
your phizes to be able to look at an enemy, without blushing for 
fear and cowardice. 

Only think, my hearers, what the situation of our country was 
before the mighty and puissant arm of our glorious militia rescued 
it from British tyranny ! Then the fair winds of Freedom were 
tainted by the fcctid breath of oppression, long before they reached 
the American shore : although Mother England clasped the new- 
born babe to her breast, and nursed it at first with maternal ten- 
derness, yet she seemed to forget that it would one day need to be 
divested of its swaddling clothes, and look for sustenance at his 
owr t ands. Yes, she wished to keep it alw^ays tied to her apron 
citings, and feed it forever on par), but the child has broken \U 



SHOnT PATENT SKKWOVW. ^^ 

bondc — hr»« arrived ai infle.v'ble manhood — and .ir^Tr ^ihzz Jc':'-. 
Bull, and all his minions, to lay him on his hack ! Jor.r.117 ovn': 
<io it — and he never will dare to molest you so lon^ as you r.uo-T 
ofT well J!^,t general traijiinfj;s, and behave like men oT v^.lz':. Ya 
cannot but be iilled to the brim with patriotisin, v/hen yo-i c:e/ 
your eyes around, ar.d behold how everything; fiourish^s vpon 3 
free and independent soil, and how all is favored by Hea^ en, Lno 
fostered by a liberal government; and can you, 1 ask, look bac> 
without feeling symptoms of indignation, upon the time when it 
was told us that our sun of liberty had set for ever, and we must 
light up the lamps of industry and economy ? Ay, that snr< did 
set, but, thank God, to rise again with unwonted brightness over 
the happy plains of disenthralled America ! Though Brother Jon- 
athan was obliged for a time to carry a burden, he was not an as3 
to be overlad*»n without kicking at the oppressor. How like Csesai 
we were taxed then ! a tax v/as laid upon almost everything, ex- 
cept dogs, snow-storms and thunder-showers. A man could hardly 
kiss his wife, then, v/ithout being taxed for it ; but the worst of 
all taxes was the tax imposed on my favorite beverage, tea. This, 
my friends, was a species of robbery exceedingly annoying to us 
men, and particularly grinding to the ladies — and you know verv 
well that when the rights and privileges of the fair sex are in- 
vaded, the combustible spirit of Yankeeism is always aroused to 
vengeance. It was partly for their sakes that we first sounded the 
war-horn, and lit up the fires of the Revolution ; and the smoke 
tnat ascended from Bunker Hill bor? upon its columns the cata- 
logue of their wrongs up to heaven, and angels of mercy came 
down to adjust them. Now, my he^rers, just reflect upon what 
your forefathers have done for you. They have enriched the soil 
with their blocd, and gained for you those liberties you enjoy ; 
and the bones of martyrs, that now lie bleaching upon the wave- 
washed shore, are solemn mementos of the sacrifices made ujion 
our country's altir. Think ujipn these, and consider whether you 
ought not to be always ready to do and r.ct as they have done be- 
fore you. V/hen the man who has the honor of giving Jolkc uo- 
tice to train comec to warn you out, don't try .0 snea't off bv«iy. 
iiig that you have corns on your toec, and thf-efore ca.n'i iieM jp 
hk« a soldier; but turn out — shoulder arms — and gh'w toe li-jng 
(ftne ation how smart their daddies can be when necer.sit^ requires 



*>^i SHORT PATENT SERMONS 

'i The niilUia is ihs bulwark of our countiy — and ir.}- text savt 
It A-'i: lli3 iTjain arm of our city's defence. That am a fact. Ou? 
rr.r.lc-and- water independent companies are regular L dies' r-fT.— 
YOiy prcUy, and very foolish — too timid to fight — too la/.y lo r\n -. 
Out ycn^ ic^j militia friends — yon, I say, are the big guns of v/: i. 
Jji\ yon ha'"'e to do is to form a line in the field (as straight as you 
cr,n when sober), ground arms, and stare your foes in the face * 
s,nd if there isn't a scattering among them then, it will be becaase 
they don't believe in the existence of ghosts, gobbiins and sjn'rits 
damned. Yes, you are a whole team, and a dnim-major to sj>are: 
and well may the eagle, the mountain bird of liberty, look down 
V/ith exultation upon so valiant a corps, and glory in the thought 
that the same spirit is still alive which raised him to his lofty eyrie, 
and placed in his talons the olive of peace ! The text also insin- 
uates that some of you should dress uniform, as it gives ' unifor- 
•^ity' to an 'ununiformed corps.' I go in for that strong; and 1 
advise each of you to wear some kind of uniform, or other. If 
you can't get a black coat and white pantaloons, wear a white 
coat and black pantaloons — but, above all things, don't go on the 
grouud with dirty shirts — for I have seen a militia corporal in sucn 
a condition that if he were to take a retrospective view cf hia 
pants, he would find they needed back-stitching a few. 

My beloved hearers : as most of you are liable to do military 
duty, let me tell you how to act : go on the parade without a mur- 
mur — carry a gun that has a lock — dress decently — and, in line, 
act as the present law directs, till we get a better one. So mote 
it be ! 



ON THE COMFORTS OF A WINTER EVENING. 

Text. — In winter's tedious nights sit thou by the fire. 

With 5ood old folks, and let them te 1 thee tales 
Of a^Tts long ago betide. 

My Hearero: It affords me an expansion of pleasure to see witt 
what rapidity my congregation r.ugmer.ts. You are getting tc h». 
monstrous bulky — and now I want you should fetch up in quaKtv 
IS fast as it^ convenient — and a little faster. I said, in the oegm- 
nmg, that, where two or three were gatiicret together in my cauwfc 



SHORT pat]p:xt sermons. 28S 

there would I be in the midst of them — and I've stuck to my won 
like a guiJe-bor.rd. Instead oi there being only two or three in 
my collection, i can number thousands; and, what is moie, new 
converts are added every SuiidA,y. This all comes from not being 
discouraged wiih a small fleck to begin with. Why, if there 
hadn't been mere than one gathered together, I'd been among him 
till this day. There are no two ways about that. 

My v;orchy friends : you who are destitute of flannels, must 
allov/ that thi words of my text have a very comfortable sound 
iL tnis chilly reason of the year. They fall upon the heart with 
a vivilying influence, and cause it to nestle in its frosty domicil, 
like a black cat rubbing against the window pane to catch the 
warm rays of the winter's sun. The man who first found out the 
use of fire should have his name written with a red-hot poker on 
every cook shop and iron foundry in the country — and his fame 
he emblazoned forth to the utmost isles of the sea. But we don't 
know who the chap was, nor when that enlightened era took 
place. Figuratively speaking, it must have been about 123,456,- 
789,000,000,050 years ago — not far from it either way — at any 
rate there have been two New Eras since then. It makes no odds 
when it was — we are blest with this Useful element, and should be 
thankful for it. Without it we should all freeze up and lie torpid 
during the long winter season, to thaw out again in the spring, 
like a nest of snakes — that is, all that didn't winter-kill. Ay, my 
dear friends, we couldn't get over this cold quarter without the aid 
of a little rr.ore caloric than even a love-sick heart contains ; but 
seeing new that we have the comfortable proiocior, and besides 
various other comforters to make no comfortable, the question 
arises, how shall we spend thsss uncomfortable months, so as to 
experience that comfort which, is the most comfortable : [I ad- 
dress myself now to the younger portion of my audience.] In 
the tedious winter nights, whtn frozen-nosed Boreas comes blow- 
ing his icy f.ngers round your dwellings, whicTlIing ' whew-ew-w" 
in consequence of the cold, which is the best \fay to spend your 
moments, my young hearers 1 Supposing you go sieigh-rlding, 
lots of you — two or three layers deep, composed of boys and 
girls, in one sleigh- — that w^ouldn't answer; because there is apt 
to be too much love and levity abroad — and you grow thoughtless 
and reckless — drive licker-te-split, whip-a-te-whip, as though t^t 



286 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

old Harry was on skates, behind— sleigh suddenly runs on a *riC'.i 
bank, whops over, and spills all its live stock — thereby caiisi.'.g 
bloody noses, bruised shins, smashed bonnets^ and perchance dcir» 
some damage to the moral faculties. That don't do, my youif g 
^sends — there is neither religion nor corcforl in it. Suppo.=irjj 
you go to balls, parties, and assemblies — there is too much wi-ie, 
riveetmeats and sham-kissins: indulged in: and you are good far 
liOthing the next day. Supposmg the fellows go skating by moon- 
light — that don't do either: because their heads are not Ii^^rd 
enough to break the ice ; for, when two bodies meet, conciissive >, 
the sotter must give way. So ye see there are but lew way:< lo 
spend a bitter winter evening really comfortable after all : biit J 
think my friend Shakspere has suggested the best pian, and I'\ 
tell you about on what kind of a night you can best enjo;' his 
plan. Take one when it is cold enough, out, to stop a steam en 
gine — when the howling blasts of the frigid north come ruohing 
With fearful fury, and chase the snowy billows over the desert 
pl'iin — when the spikes start from the outer casement with the 
frost : and, as my author has it, 

' When icicles hang by the wall. 

And Dick, the shepherd, blows his nail, 

And Tom bears logs into the hall, 

And milk comes frozen home in pail ; 

When blood is nipped, and ways be foul, 

When nightly sings the staring owl, 
Tu whoo ; 

Tu-whit, tu-whoo, a merry note, 

While greasy Joan doth knell the pot.' 

Ye3, that's the time — for what ? why tc r.it by the fire witn ^joti 
old folks : and let them tell you all about th-i times that used lo 
v/as— and how much piety, sobriety, morality, ri^odesty and con- 
tei}tmcnt, were prevalent in those days. Old folks arc generally 
good— if ♦hey \vere not, they wouk.n't live so long, [I'm getting^ 
oldifh.] and they are the best company for young folks. How 
pleasant 'tis to picture a hreside scene like the above 1 Let's look 
at .t — here is a great log fire, blazing a^vay likj sixty- -here lie? 
dog Caesar, stretched out before it — here sits granny in the corner, 
enoozing over a budget of eighty years — there is the good wife, 
with her knitting work — there is the old man, studying the alma- 
nac to know the weather next week — here is bubby, in the li'tle 



SHORT PATENT SERMONS. JW7 

board chair, warming his toes to go to bed — and youn^ pcopJe. 
of both sexes, fill up the chinks, all in a jovial mood. Here tLey 
gain instruction from the experience of the aged — listen to tht.'r 
oft-told tales of virtue rewarded and vice condemned — and lca;:i 
from them how to spend the summer of their days, so that the 
winter of life may be passed in peace and happiness. Now, mj 
young friends, I wish you to bear this in mind, all through tht 
coming winter — ^join the companionship of old folks, and keep out 
of mischief as much as possible — and when spring returns, to 
clothe the fields with verdure, you may — all go to grass, for aught 
I care. So mote it be ! 

N. B. — I lately went across from Broadway to Chatham street; 
and when I got down as far as Jericho, 1 became convinced that 
the folks there needed my preaching some. The little ragged ur- 
chins ran hooting after me, ' There goes old Dow — there he goes : 
let's stone him !' I swung my cane at half a bushel of them, but 
they all dodged it. Every soul there is leg deep in the mud of 
pollution. 



ON woman's love. 



Text. — Women talk of love for fashion. 
So they do of spirits walking; 
But no more they feel the passion, 

Than see the ghost of which they're talking. 

My Hearers : I feel as short as pie-crust I mean to put it to all 
the women in creation, in the hardest kind of style, because I 
have my reasons for it. I called on Mrs. Upstart the other day, 
and got to reasoning with her on topics of love, virtue, preaching, 
piety, and other matters in my line of business ; and all at once 
she flew into a whirlwind, and raged awfully for a minute or two. 
Says she to me, 'Mr. Dow, you are a hyperbolicd eld hypocrite, 
and if you don't budge out of my house, I'll give you a piacticai 
illustration of female influence !' Whereupon I picked up my 
cane and made tracks, determined to express my sentiments in re- 
gard to woman's love — and so I will. I may think differently 
when 1 get over this fit : but as it is, I mean togive the whole pet 



288 SHORT PATENT SERMONS. 

.icoat tribe a regular stirring up — and they might as well take it 
easy, as to make up m.ouths about it. 

Women, my hearers, always like to be jabbering over matters 
ihat they don't know anything about. They know as much about 
iove as they do about the Florida war — and that's all hearsay ; 
yet to hear silly girls for ever and eternally tal-j'-g about Cupid, 
hearts, darts, and the tender passion, a body would naturally sup 
pose that the little lovegod had feathered his r.ect in their prett) 
bosoms (I must call them pretty), and only went out on venereal 
errands, to return at the biddirg of hi*, ii^ictresses. But I say, the 
birth, habitation and lodging-iIj,:3 of Cupid is in the quiet and 
secret chamber of man's own heart. He is only set at liberty oc- 
casionally to sport for an hour or so among the fruil flowers of 
womanhood, to gj\ilier from each, like the bee, a few particles of 
honey. Yes, my friends, man, alone, is the parent and possessor 
of love. It is a thing of reality with him — with woman it is the 
illegitimate child of fancy. A girl may feel happy in the warm 
light of a lover's smile, and show something like affection for him ; 
but that isn't love : it don't begin to be. She should feel a sort 
of crawling all over, like a bunch of carded wool on a hot stove 
— she should feel as if her heart-strings were made of India-rub- 
ber, and kept stretching out — she should feel as if she wanted to 
die for something, and didn't care what — she should feel as if she 
was climbing up to smell of roses, while thorns were tickling her 
under the short ribs — she should feel sick at the stomach about 
sundown, when angels of love are furling their golden pinions be- 
hind the crimson curtains of the west, to lake a comfortable snooze 
on the gay pillows of amber — in short, for a girl to be in love, 
she should feel pretty queer: I know exactly how she should feel, 
and yet I can't exj ress it. To give you some idea of it, she should 
feel some how or other as if she kinder wanted to, and didn't want 
to. That's as near as t can get at it. She knows what it is to be 
loved, but she hasn't the skin of an idea of knowing what it is to 
love. Women go through the whole routine of love as i.f it were 
a mechanical matter of form. Their kisses appear to have been 
Tianufactuied and laid by for the occasion, till they are cold and 
inadhesive. Men's rise spontaneously from the heart, soft, warm 
and pliable, u.:\d oticl: like wsx. So mote it bs! 

THE E^D. 



